Season 3 / Episode 6, “Infant Du Sangre” / AMC
It’s looking to be an #ungodly Summer y’all!
Eugene makes it back to the hole in the ground that used to be the town of Annville, Texas. He’s feeling some kind of way about that, and still reeling from his trip back up from Hell.
If that wasn’t enough to keep him in his feels, he gets sent to the Lone Star Orphanage by Child Protective Services! From the moment he’s onscreen, Eugene is talking to himself about his purpose and God’s plan. Once his roommate at the orphanage gets an earful he reads Eugene’s joy for filth with his own tragic life. Before Eugene can feel a second of doubt, the loudspeaker announces he’s already adopted! It’s only been like ten minutes since he walked into the place! He picks up his belongings and makes his way to the door and is greeted by his new guardian: The Saint of Killers!
The Saint, freshly miffed from his pre-Civil War ass whooping from the Angel of Death, wastes no time getting Eugene out of the orphanage (not before putting an attendant through a wall, though, because: The Saint!). Eugene laments at not understanding God’s plan for being brought back to Hell. The Saint replies that God is absent. Eugene claps back with, “God is in everything.” The Saint handcuffs Eugene, saying they have one stop before heading back to Hell.
TC is hovering over Marie’s dying body like that mother in “Don’t Be A Menace”.
Jody is recovering from the slobberknocker fight they had at the end of the last episode, and picks up the gat quick when Jesse enters the room. Out the corner of his eye he can see Tulip unconscious and hooked up to the soul-sucking machine we saw SciGuy feed in episode 1. Jesse informs Jody and TC that Tulip thought she was saving Jesse, and that the idea came from Madame Sabina Boyd. Jesse makes Boyd the bad guy and devises a plan to steal the souls Sabina has stored over the years as payment past due for her mystic services. In order to make that plan work, Jesse convinces them that they all need Tulip’s expertise in ‘how to rob and steal’ (plays the 50 Cent track in the background). One key element to the plan: kill both Marie and Tulip!
It’s a fake out! TC, Jody, and Jesse have a fake funeral service for Tulip and Marie, knowing that Madame Boyd’s crew is watching (seriously, this place has STAR Labs level of security; people just walking in and out knowing secrets and whatnot). Once that’s over with, Jesse and Marie start their dual plots: Tulip shows up in a platinum blonde wig and Jody gets a whispered message from Marie.
Cassidy wakes up amongst the poser-ass vampire crew Enfant Du Sangre and their charismatic-but-cliche-AF leader Eccarius. Cassidy looks around the room is ready to hit the dip but is asked to chill for a bit. Cass is about meeting new people so he stays, right up until somebody’s grandma comes down into this basement with a load of laundry! Cass is like, ‘Aight, I’ve seen enough.’ Eccarius asks if he can show Cass ‘something’ and Cass is not with the shits. THEN Iccarius EATS HIS PET OWL. Not in a ravenous, gory, bloody affair. No, no, no. Eccarius inhales it in one long swallow like a snake…or a duck with a wet hot dog bun. Either way, Cassidy has to admit, he hasn’t seen anything quite like that. He exclaims that being a vampire sucks, Eccarius leans in and implies that maybe Cassidy hasn’t been doing it right.
Cut to: Tulip in some pearls, a pair of killer shoes, and the most bomb-ass, Stepford Wives-couture-looking, fresh blond wig with the T-Boz bob length as she struts into the Bank of the Bayou with all the swag of Ru Paul on any given runway. (If there is a Ruth Negga fan club, I went back in time to create it anonymously to ensure it happened. And if they respond to any of my recaps, I will milly rock on EVERY block, screenshot the response, print it out, and frame it beside my specialized college degree. Just saying.)
While TC hits up the local petting zoo with no pants, Jody off-camera takes out the entirety of Madame Boyd’s entourage with one revolver like a hillbilly John Wick.
The Grail is back on the scene heavy in New Orleans with their new headquarters. Starr and Agent Hoover are in the elevator heading up. Starr informs Hoover on how ruthless the AllFather is, but Hoover misses the point. They are greeted by Agent Featherstone who eagerly tries to give Starr some intel, but Starr ain’t even trying to hear it. He curves her whole attempt, then walks into his office to be greeted by His Largeness, The AllFather!
Homie is big — just sitting in his chair, taking up all the space possible. The AllFather gives Starr an analogy about templar knights and their horses, mostly about reliance and putting horses out of their misery with a ceremony. Then, he motions for his minions to bring them food. They bring in a fully cooked horse. A COOKED HORSE! Cooked pretty rare, and still bleeding. Profusely. Also, Starr’s head looks like a penis after Tulip grazed him with a shot across the whole top of his dome in episode 3.
Cassidy is doing his Lois Lane thing, held close by Eccarius – who is flying. This must be ‘doing it right’. Eccarius drops Cass and hits the superhero landing on that ass on some back alley in the French Quarter. They hit the nearest bar for a drink. Cassidy looks for a good time, he goes to talk up an attractive woman and is promptly curved by her AND the gentleman she’s with. He walks back over to Eccarius, who is already hitting the Tom Cruise ‘Interview With A Vampire’ ‘come hither’ glance at the same woman. Homegirl floats over to Eccarius and they get to tonguing down. Wait, it ain’t over! The gentleman comes over too, and he starts tonguing Eccarius down! Everybody is getting this work! Then boom, Eccarius disappears. Like, he’s no longer there, can’t see him. The spell wears off and the attractive woman looks around, grabs the gentleman and says, “Let’s go, dad!” Cass loses his shit and looks for Eccarius, only to hear his voice from below, where a black cat is speaking to him about how impossible it is for anyone to be invisible.
Cassidy levels with Eccarius as they walk out of the joint. He wants to know how to gain access to these powers. Eccarius brings Cass back to the Infant Du Sangre, where he turns one of his followers into a vampire. Understanding and disgust wash over Cassidy’s face: he sees that drinking human blood is the key to Eccarius’ preternatural abilities. Cass yells that turning people is terrible and tries to put hands on Eccarius: your boy E-Money went Neo on him – dodged every hit AND did The Matrix lean to weave the last punch! Eccarius assures Cass that turning people who are already ‘good’ of heart breaks the cycle of murder. Cassidy listens, but leaves.
Tulip does her best Ocean’s 8, by her damn self! She cased the bank right quick, peeped how you have to use saliva to open the safety deposit box, and set off the alarm herself before leaving. After noting the police response time, she enlists TC and Jody to buy her and Jesse more time to rob the bank. Tulip asks Jesse how they’re going to get Madame Boyd’s blood.
Cut to: Jesse at the bar with bruised knuckles and a bunch of unconscious bodies on the ground. Sabina Boyd walks in with a couple of goons. She takes the seat next to him and a lager. They talk out their past and their grievances. Sabina assures Jesse that she had nothing to do with what Tulip did to Marie. Furthermore, he reminds him that he killed her brother, that she should spit in his face. She goes to leave. Jesse laments how he treated Sabina when they were kids, and lets her know if he thought she did anything to Tulip, he’d spit in her face. He implies he’s going to kill himself and asks Sabina if he’d be the worst person in the world if he asked to kiss her on the day his girlfriend died. She says, ‘Yes, you would.’
Jesse leaves the bar and gets in the car with Tulip. He takes out a tongue scraper, puts it in his mouth and places it in a sterile container. He looks Tulip in the eye and says, “Got the saliva. Now quit complaining and let’s go.”
The bank robbery is underway! Jesse and Tulip move as smooth as Michael and Janet’s choreography in “Scream”. They walk out with Madame Boyd’s souls like it ain’t no thing.
The cops respond quickly, to the robbery but get a call on their radio that TC is in a petting zoo. Them cops hit the brakes and did a Bat-Turn in TC’s direction! In a particularly funny and brutal moment of television, TC is running around town butt ass naked with a goat on a leash while we see the aftermath of Jody’s bloodlust. Turns out Jody was following the whispered orders of Madame L’Angelle with that hit.
Back in Angelville, TC is feeding souls to Marie like a mother feeds a baby a bottle. Jesse is keeping an eye on her recovery suspiciously, noting how much she enjoys eating souls. Tulip is in the kitchen making a call to check in on Cassidy. The vampire is currently sitting in a trap house smoking crack and singing Irish drinking songs. Tulip assures Cassidy that after they finish in Angelville that they’re all going to hit the road together again. Cass simply listens, and says, ‘I’ve lived one-hundred and nineteen years, I don’t wait for people. I move on.’ Then he hangs up. Tulip tears up just before Jody’s hand comes across her face with a cloth drenched in chloroform.
Jody pulls up next to Jesse in Marie’s study. TC is sweeping the floor and they are all listening to Marie, at full health, read Jesse and Tulip like any grandma would. Jesse asks if Tulip is on the phone, Jody says, “No.” Jesse feels it in the air. TC knocks him out with the broom handle and says sadly, “She shouldn’t have tried to kill Miss Marie.” Jesse wakes to a dark study with the familiar whooshing sound of a machine doing its thing.
We watch a needle pierce brown skin and see the distillation of a soul into a white liquid. Marie drinks deeply of the cup and glares over at a soulless Sabina Boyd. Marie cites how strong Sabina tastes and that she’ll do well for them fighting in the tombs. Jesse walks into the room and smoothly puts two shots into Sabina’s head as the last mercy. Jesse promises to pay his debt, but not like this and glances over at Tulip tied to a chair in the corner. Jesse tells them all he’s calling The Grail.
Cassidy returns to Infant Du Sangre after a day of liberal crack use.
We come back to Herr Starr and The AllFather at the end of their ridiculously long lunch of a full horse. They saved the buttcheeks for last and The AllFather asks Starr if they were to his liking. After immediately inducing a purging of their last meal, The AllFather asks Starr if he is ready for the nuclear annihilation of the world at large. Starr is taken aback and suggests that the apocalypse would only require global economies to fail. AllFather replies that fire is needed to reform the world. Lastly, that it is urgent that they discuss Jesse Custer…immediately.
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