The Flash Recap: Legends of Today

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Season 2/ Episode 8 / The CW

And you say Central City!

We join Barry Allen running through the streets getting his urban cross country on in an attempt to become faster than Zoom. He’s clocking in well over the speeding limit at Star Labs on the cosmic treadmill but it isn’t enough. Earth 2 Wells is next to Caitlin watchin’ Barry run sayin’, “Welp, this is useless. If Barry was in Mario Kart and used a lightnin’ bolt & Blue shell on Zoom, he’d still get lapped 3 times over. *Hits intercom button* You’re doing great Barry.”

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Barry realizes he isn’t actually getting faster and Wells says there’s a number of reason why Zoom is 4 times faster than him. It could be due to his diet, physiology, maybe he’s edging. As Barry heads out Caitlin is wondering how they goin’ make Barry faster when they tried everything, Wells looks at Caitlin and says, “Almost everything… where yall keep the fishscale and yayo round these parts? I got an idea.”

Meanwhile down at the Central City dock some Sea-me– dudes, are checking their ship in and escorting a stowaway over into police custody. They hand over this guy’s jacket which is packed with 32 knives and looks like some shit Prince would wear on tour back in ’87. The the stowaway starts talking about how they done brought him close to his prey and how he goin stab everybody there with them knives. Okay, first of all dude is talkin’ like he wanna be Kraven The Hunter soooo baad. One of the captains of the ship gets big, callin’ this guy Houdini asking how he goin’ get of the handcuffs to do— OOOOH SHIT HE’S OUT OF THE HANDCUFFS!

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Dude, I don’t know if there was a physical you gotta take to get a job at the docs or run a ship but they failed that miserably. How do you see this dude clearly, get out of handcuffs and then skip two beats and hit your captain with the Sub-zero cold shoulder move from MK III? They just stood there and let that shit happen, then you see dude dodge a bullet and kill the officer and y’all still standing there? Soon as he was talking bout killin’ everybody I’d have punched out for work, right the fuck there. Nooooope, this dude throwing handcuffs like this is Now You See Me? Never that. Homie puts on the coat and sees a flash of Kendra as Hawkgirl. So we already know this is Vandal Savage and he bout to be on his asshole shit.

The next day Vandal Savage’s work comes across Joe and Patti’s desk. Joe West said, “Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn, is this a crime scene or did somebody spill Ragu sauce all over these pictures again?” Barry confirms it was a crime scene, and the body count was done by one dude. He got a piece of flint from one of the victims that broke off one of the knives so he’s going to run it through …Medieval Times restaurants or some shit I guess, cause who out here using medieval ass paleolithic era knives in 2015? Barry and Patti part very professionally and apparently Joe West think it’s cute their trying to hold in all that lovey shit from him. Man, I need you not to ship these two Joe.

Kendra and Cisco are doing yet another date over at Jitters after hours. Yo, look I don’t know what the economy is like or how strong the dollar is in Central City but when the after hours of your job is where you decide to Netflix, Ipad movie, home cooked meal and chill. Wait, Kendra made ribs, mash and asparagus tho? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit, I’ll shut up. Cisco sees she tryin put the moves on’em with those two bottles of wine and as he goes in for the kiss here comes Vandal Savage with the co- consensual block in an old dialect. My man callin’ Kendra Chay-Ara sayin’ she just as beautiful in this life. Cisco tells dude he needs to take THAT shit and his purple reign highlander jacket outta town.

Yeaaaah, it’s about to be a thing cause Savage displays them knives on’em. I’m talkin “He got so much metal on his body he think he Weapon X” amount of knives and he ain’t goin’ anywhere without Kendra. Cisco hits that Flash distress signal and Barry comes in hittin’ Savage with the Sub-Zero MK III shoulder block for the save but Savage still manages to chuck a knife at Cisco with a flick of da wrist.

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We’re not even trying with the secret identities anymore are we? Well Kendra is now at Star Labs with the entirety of Team Flash trying to figure out why this dude Vandal Savage is calling Kendra priestess Chay-Ara and trying to kill her. Kendra is like, “Look, I’m from Wisconsin. I moved here and y’all got man sharks and Gorillas walking around and villains with snow cone guns; this weird shit is new to me.” Barry feels police won’t be enough to stop Savage as there is something mystical about him (there is clearly a “shake it fast, but watch yourself” Mystikal joke here but ehhhh”. Barry is going to hit the team up button with Team Arrow cause what the fuck else they got goin’ on.

Meanwhile in Star City. Team Arrow is stopping Damian Darhk from stealing this A.R.G.U.S. chemical bomb right. They’re doing their hand to hand fights with the ghosts and Thea is racking up the high score. Damian gets the drop on Ollie and get’s with that five fingers of death touch but Barry runs in and saves everyone pulling them all out of the fight. Ollie knows Barry needs his help so he is apparently willing to just let Damian Darhk take that chemical bomb with no problem now cause friends over everything. I’m not even goin’ say nothing about Diggle throwing up from Barry grabbin’ him out of danger cause… ugh… Thea is like… “Wait- WHOA, wait a minute this dude is running at the speed of white privilege?”

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So Kendra now gets to meet not only The Flash’s crew but Team Arrow as well along with a grand tour of their new facilities. Kendra is impressed but Cisco is lookin’ around shoutin’ “What is this? the fuck is that? What are thooooooooooooose?!

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Team Flash describes the guy that’s after Kendra and Barry does a quick artists sketch of him (Ollie had to be thinking, “We get it you do things fast…fucking show off.“) and the only picture of Vandal Savage they got is from Woodstock back in ’75 making him about 80 years old. They need to see if Kendra perhaps forgot a detail about herself that may help them. Oliver is like, “We need to find out more on Kendra… I’ll handle this guys.

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WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!

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Ollie was on ten fucking thousand grillin’ Kendra then Barry for not knowing more about her and putting everyone in danger. Barry is like, “I shoulda let that Flock of Seagulls / “and I run so far away” lookin’ dude fade you.” Felicity suggests that everyone will be able to tolerate one another better once some drinks are in their system.

Back at S.T.A.R. Labs Wells and Caitlin found a way to increase Barry’s speed through an enhancement that accelerates his physiology through rendering his muscle tissue…. you know what, even I don’t speak that much nerd. These cats literally made a drug for Barry to take to make him faster.

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They legit made speed force molly water called Velocity 6. This might be a stretch but I believe this Velocity 6 speed force formula is a nod to the golden age speedster Johnny Quick (who is actually Jessie Quick’s father) and his mathematical formula (“3X2(9YZ)4A” that granted them super speed when said aloud. Fucking Nerds. Wells calls in Jay to come over and Jay walks in with the…”You gotta be fucking kidding me.” face.

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Jay is not happy that Wells wants to use him as a guinea pig to test this serum on. Jay lookin’ at Caitlin while walking out and sayin, “The fuck is this breaking bad shit man? He got you in here whippin’ work and makin’ speed force Molly and you don’t even know it? Wells you stay on that fuck shit. You know what I hope someone mistakes you for Earth one Wells and fires a hot nick (bullet) at you and it gets logged in your fucking chest.

Wells: Well the odds of that happening aren’t too slim but would be an astronomical series of events.

*a half hour later Patty sees footage of Earth 2 Wells, then proceeds to Star Labs to arrest E2 Wells all the while believing he is an alive and well (pun intended) Earth 1 Wells*

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Wells: Oh, fuck you Jaaaaaaaaaay–aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand I’m passing out.

Meanwhile back at Oliver + Felicity’s place where no one is bleeding out currently, it’s all apologies and good times as everyone is getting along. Diggle isn’t there cause I’m sure he doesn’t like their music playlists for gatherings. Cisco is telling Thea he can give her a better nickname and hair conditioner too cause his shit LUXURIOUS. Ollie is doing toasts and cheers to friends and WHO THE FUCK IS THE GUY SWINGING IN THROUGH THE BALCONY WINDOW? Sun, Vandal Savage entered the function on some Jack Sparrow shit. My man literally showed up just to show his ass and show off his sweet knife moves. Barry gets Oliver’s bow for him while Savage gets back to his knife tossin’ stints…with a lil extra something for Barry

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Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn, dude nice enough to predict Barry’s speed and adjust the flick of da wrist on’em! Oliver takes it to close range but Savage is savage there too, he catches Ollie’s arrows then gives Ollie that millennial ass whooping from waiting. He chucks another knife at Barry but he catches that shit point blank. Ollie starts returning shots and THIS DUDE SAVAGE BUSTS OUT THE STEEL KITANA MORTAL KOMBAT FAN! ON EVERYTHING I LOVE HOMES STARTED ROTATING THE FAN TO BLOCK THE ARROWS MAN.

Reneactment
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I WAS DYIIIIIIIIIING! Savage was really working that fan but once Thea hopped on the track to help Oliver put the screws to dude it got too much for Savage. They started lighting his ass UP with arrows, boi. My girl Thea wants that episode MVP so bad cause she was catching Savage’s fade right then and there.

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Back at The Quiver, Vandal Savage is still running around and Cisco has to reveal to Kendra that he is a metahuman and he can see vibes of other metas and folks. “Yeaaaaaaaaaaah, soooo you know that Nelly Furtado song she debuted with? I’m like a biiiiird I always fly away? yeah, that’s you. You’re like a bird hawk person thing with wings.” Before Kendra can go what the fuck the lights dim and ya mans and dem Malcolm Merlyn shows up. Why Malcolm hit the lights tho and appeared with the whole league of assassins on his six? You couldn’t just walk through the door or call ahead? You just out here appearing in folks lairs with mad dudes behind you like you the Verizon man (can you hear me now) commercial? Okay.

Malcolm: Yo the dude your lookin’ for is Vandal Savage.
Diggle: Never heard of him.
Malcolm: Are you using Bing as a search engine? Cause that’s probably why.
Barry: Well, who is he?
Malcolm: Depends on who you ask. Some call him a space cowboy others call him the gangster of love *crickets* No? Nothing? Steve Miller Band anyone? I fuckin hate you millennials. The dudes hung out with Ghengis Khan and was an adviser to Julius Cesar. The homie is an immortal and your girl is basically dead to rights…. We’ll see ourselves out.

Kendra is taking in a lot at the moment and goes out to get some air. Cisco tells her it’s going to be cool. It’s a weird world that their involved in but he won’t let anything happen to her like say some dude dressed up like a sparrow with a 16 foot wing-span randomly swooping her up in the middle of the conversation their having right now. Then out of nowhere a dude dressed up like a Hawk with a 16 foot wing span snatches up Kendra and flies off. Cisco is yelling, “Kendraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! …actually yeah a hawk makes much more sense to be dressed up as now that I think about it.” Kendra is taken to a rooftop where we are introduced to Carter Hall aka Hawkman aka Prince Khugu the (white) Egyptian lover of Chay-Ara. (DC goin be getting these think pieces from all angles cause they must have forgot that they had Hawkman as a white Egyptian king in his very long convoluted ass back story. That blitz is coming yo).

Carter is informing Kendra of who she was, how they reincarnate and find one another every time they die. He’s there to protect her from Savage and to help her emerge into her true self or some shit like that.

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Aye, all I know is this dude snatched up Kendra without any permission and is out literally mansplaning her to herself. I get that this is the love of your live(s) but there’s better ways to make a first impression homie. Also beating up her friends that have been trying to keep her safe might not be the best way to go about that second impression either. Green Arrow was able to locate where Kendra was taken thanks to the wiz on the comms Felicity. Sun, Carter ain’t event try to talk shit out, he just swung the mace at Oliver on his bike and had Oliver lookin’ like Diddy at the beginning of the “I’ll be missing you” video.

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Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn

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Barry arrives on the scene and this dude fucking snatches him up, flies into the air and drops him (Ollie shoots a grappling Arrow to save Barry). Yo, Carter is a fucking dick man. Again, there are sooooooooooooooo many better ways of protecting someone but not actually crippling their friends. Anyway, Barry and Ollie work together on exposing Carter’s wings and taking them out to get him grounded. Barry hit his ass with that new lightening technique (that he needs to do the guile Street Fighter II motion to do. Also it takes about as long as Piccalo’s special beam cannon too).

Carter comes to at the Quiver and he is chained up. He explains the whole being reincarnated lovers from a past life angle and that Vandal Savage is tied to his and Chay-Ara/ Kendra since every time they reincarnated Savage kills them to get strong. It’s happened 206 times already, at which Cisco keeps it ALL THE WAY 100 on that note. “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait, you’re 0 for 206?”

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I said god damn. Carter is telling the crew he knows how to help Kendra emerge into her true self and Malcolm shows up to let everyone know that Vandal Savage is seeking out the Staff of Horace to get more powerful. Carter is like fuck we gotta move now, Kendra is intimidated by the lives within her and Barry is like,

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The emerging method for Kendra go less that spectacular. Carter says she just has to jump off this 15 story building and she’ll emerge. It’s cool, they’ve been doing this for 4,000 years. No, sweat. Kendra gets on the ledge to try and my man is like, “You got this here I’ll help *shove*” Yeaaaaah, Barry had to run down and save her ass.

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I love how Barry and Cisco are like, this shit is insane but the whole while Oliver is like, “Eh, kinda makes sense to me”. Back at the Quiver the crew figures out that Kendra was drawn to Central City (like how Carter is drawn to her) because it’s where the Staff of Horace is. Felicity is able to get a direct location to where it’s being stored. Barry and Oliver suit up to go beat Savage to the staff. Barry tells Kendra that if she focuses on her and believes in herself then she will emerge. I’m sorry ’emerge’ really sounds like some shit you say in a cult before you hand over fifty dollars and drink something that tastes like mayo and regret.

In Central City, the guys are up in a church but they find out it’s to late. Vandal Savage already beat them there and he has the Staff. Okay, the fact that this dude Vandal still has the purple reign attire on plus the Staff makes him look like a +999 level mage wizard from World of Warcraft.

This dude is also wielding the staff around as it’s giving off this blue aura that’s blocking arrows and knocking our heroes back. Back in Star City, Kendra decides she’s ready to let everything go and take that leap. Cisco is still pretty, “WTF is with yall and free falling to your death?” but she does it and manages to bring out them wings. Hawkgirl has arrived y’all.

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Vandal Savage senses this all the way in Central City and decides to just get down to business and kill AYEbody quick. He blow up the church but Barry manages to get himself and Ollie out of harms way.

Jay arrives to see Harrison Wells laid the fuck out and has a hard time hiding his smile. He takes velocity 6 in order to phase the bullet that’s lodged in Wells out of him. Wells eventually wakes up and tells him thank you…but the look on his face mos def said, “I know you just saved my life but fuck you Jay Garrick.” It looks like Joe West is going to have to explain a lot to Patti now, which ought to be fun.

We end with Ollie and Barry at Jitters waiting for their crew to join them. Ollie is lookin’ at all these coffees and shit named after The Flash and would much rather face Vandal Savage and the Staff of Horace again. A kid drops his Flash action figure and Ollie hands it to the kid thinkin, “this ass even has toys? you gotta be kidding me.” He hands the toy to the kid then sees him run off to his mother… who was Oliver’s ex…. the ex that told him that she lost their baby…

Oliver: Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!
Barry: Whats wrong Ollie you look like you’ve seen a child you didn’t know was yours for years but just found out in this moment that it was your child?

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  • Omar Holmon is a content editor that is here to make .gifs, obscure references, and find the correlation between everything Black and Nerdy.