Remember in the cross over last week when Ollie told Barry that Starling City wasn’t like sunny ass Central City? Barry gotta be holding his hands over his ears saying, “La-La-La- I don’t hear you Oliver!” cause we open up this week with Christmas time in the West Wing of the West house. Joe gets called to work cause ain’t no peace in these streets and that when Iris decides it’s time to open up gifts early. She opens the gift Barry got her and immediately regretted this decision.
My man Barry saved up them checks to drop the “Every Kiss begins with Kay” heat on Iris. He got a replica of her mother’s wedding band that she lost back in 5th grade. Bruh! Iris had the “oh shit, for me?” face then the “oh shit, we not giving each other lame gifts this year” face. Man she got dude a microscope. I bet Iris be handing out pennies and fruit during Halloween too. You know Barry’s ass too good to call her on that. Personally, I’d have said, “oh you put a lot of thought into this huh?
Eddy’s ass comes over just in time to kill the mood and to see how high Barry set the bar for gifts. Eddy looking at Barry with the patented “concerned boyfriend” “Dis Mutha fucka” face. Prompting Barry to get to sharing the gifts & the egg nog spirit over at Star Labs
At the coffee spot. Eddy hitting Iris with the high school cafeteria talk
Eddy: Barry didn’t give me a bro hand shake when I came in.
Eddy: yeah it’s probably nothing… You think he tryin slide in yo dms?
Iris: We just friends
Eddy: My friends ain’t wedding bands to make me dance
Not one to be threatened by the inadvertent smooth moves of Barry “Mr. Might Awkwardly Steal Yo Girl…More Than Likely Just Have A Progressive Conversation With Her Tho” Allen, Eddy brings out his gift… The key to his apartment. Okay, I gotta say at this point I am only trusting Barry to be my secret Santa cause these cats suck on the gifts tip. Iris all choked up accepting the key to the crib while Eddy is sitting there with the old school “Jon B in his prime” R&B face.
We next see Caitlin walking to her car, she then senses someone behind her as if she was in the “cry my a river” video and its none other than Ronnie Raymond. She catches him going Ghost Rider and hits the corner straight up “white girl in horror movie” quick. I think she was more surprised by the fact that Ronnie dressed like he just got off working a shift at Hot Topic. We then cut to Mercury labs where we see a doctor and two security guards exiting the premises. The alarm gets tripped and before the security guards go, “Fuuuuuuck” they both got that chiropractic neck crack at 180 mph. Only the doctor was left alive, locked away with what he was working on behind an apparently speedster proof wall. He got a “you ain’t shit” look from the assailant before he bounced.
When CCPD gets on the scene, Barry already knows it had to be a speedster that did this. We get to the doctor (apparently saved by his PHD) describing what he saw, “All I remember is some hip hop track coming over the PA system and then a yellow blur running round shoutin “break yo muthfucking neck… was kinda weird”. You already know who I’m thinking the suspect is but Barry is sure it’s the same dude that merk’d his moms. Now is the time where Joe has to finally tell Barry, “Yeaaaaah, I knew he been back in town cause he came by the house, wrecked the good china, stole your case files then had the nerve to threaten killing Iris.”
The team then figures out that the Honey Mustered (I’m calling him that from now on) Flash was trying to steal him some of that future technology or as the nerds call’em: Tachyons. Tachyons are particles that have enough power to fix your credit score or have you moving at the speed of light if harnessed right. The gang gets started on a trap house for HMF. Barry & Dr. Wells try to secure these Tachyons from Dr. McGee, but soon as they heard her British Accent they knew they weren’t bout to get a damn thing. Plus she saw Dr. Wells was workin with the police on this? She said, “We good”.
***I’ma wrap up the Caitlin & Ronnie side story here***
Caitlin tells Cisco that Ronnie is still alive to which his reaction is the 2014 updated “I can’t believe it’s not butter” face. Cisco know damn well if some shit goes wrong Caitlin more liable to not get killed off, so I give him props for helping her find Ronnie. Too bad that when they do, it ain’t all sunny in Central City.
I’m really hurting for Caitlin, I know it can’t be easy when your man has taken his new job at Hot Topic way to seriously and dressing like Raven from his ECW days. She confesses to Cisco that she feels she done lost Ronnie and wishes he just died that day. Damn, moment of silence for Ronnie Raymond yo…
**AND WE’RE BACK**
Barry having that flash back of his pre- merked mom tucking him in when Unofficial Bae Day Iris comes through the office. Iris hits Barry with the news that she moving in with Eddy. Iris got Barry’s emotions in the sharpshooter but he answering here like it’s all good in his clearly not all good Jeff Goodblum speech pattern:
Barry: oh thats…uhm.. ah thats great…yeah.
Iris: I know right, and Eddy thought you’d be weird with it.
Barry: heh why would…uhh.. I be..ahem uhhhh weird with that for?
Iris: Oh, he thinks you like trying to slide in the dms.
Barry: IN YO DMS? I mean ah..in. yo..ah dms? no. no. I don’t even like slides
Iris: I know! That’s exactly what I told him. Well I gotta run.
Meanwhile the whole time on the inside Barry been feelin like
Barry goes to the window to air that shit out then sees HMF watching him from the roof of the opposite building. This guy done merk’d Barry’s mom, got his dad doing a bid up north, and now just witnessed Barry’s feels get the Sharpshooter? Oh No! This fucker GOT TO GO! Barry chases after HMF but he can NOT catch dude. My man is crossing Barry Allen over on Canal Street, broke his ankles back on 64th Street, had time to do his taxes, get a shape up in Harlem, and then meet Barry over up in the stadium.
Where the ass whooping did not decrease. Honey Mustard Flash done made change out of Barry Allen’s ass ten times over. He was talking ALL the shit too,
“I ain’t even got track shoes on and I am fucking you uuuuuup Barry. I’m crossing you over in Jays B! OoOOOooOoh yo Daddy lucky he locked up so can’t see this ass whooping I am giving you right now. Man, if You going to use your turbo boost I suggest you press L2 now cause I’m having a hard time keeping this game breaker down”.*Dunks over Barry* Haaaaaa!!! Honey Mustered Flash 2014! I’m outtie!”
Barry got the breaks beat off his Delorean. Sun was up against a Ferarri and best he could do was hit 80 mph. He went back to Star Labs like, Well that sucked”. Dr. Wells telling Barry he got the shit covered once he get the Tachyons for the force field. Joe goes to handle that and Barry comes with him and puts the HEAT on Dr. McGee saying he goin’ snitch ALL her inventions in there on to tumblr if she don’t play ball. Once the Star Labs trap house is set up with the Tachyons for bait to catch HMF, Barry started doing the Birdman hand rub just waiting to taste that revenge. Then Joe had to tell him he was getting benched. He got MURDERED in the first half.
Joe: I gotta bench you after the half Barry.
Barry: The fuck Joe I’m the best shot against him.
Joe: Not right now. His cross over goin have you on the highlight reel lookin a fool!
Joe: Ah! I dont wanna hear it. I’m putting in Wells.
Barry had to take it up north to see his little league coach aka his Dad to get this Honey Mustered Flash ass whooping off his chest. Barry got all of the emotional break down as he confesses to his father bout the ass whooping he caught on the court. “I had him dad! But his moves were so original. His game breaker was full and he broke my ankles b. MY ANKLES DAD!”
Barry’s Dad ain’t worried about HMF tho, he hits Barry with the realest Dad shit of the year telling him to just let this Honey Mustard dude go, he too much of a grade A Prick. Don’t let this dude runnin round in Grey Poupon colored attire fuck up ya life.
This was sweet and all, but if that was my dad? There no way he woulda let me not hear it for some dude in a yellow skittle colored costume merkin me in the streets. Nope. Barry takes his dad’s advice and hits Iris with a visit. He had to of been listening to Drake on the way there cause he spilling ALL his guts. You could just hear “Just hold on we’re going home” in the background as Barry spills the feels.
Iris wasn’t expecting all that Drake, you can tell by the reaction. Barry of course hit her with the “I’m not trying to disrespect your relationship with Eddy. I just had to let you know”, then smooth bounces out the house. Meanwhile Eddy knows Joe is on to something with this blur case, he threatens to blow the fuck boy whistle unless he gets clued in. Joe is like aiight its going down at Star Labs. We see HMF fell for the mouse trap then got caught in Dr. Wells homemade force field. Joe wants to know why he attacked Barry mom, but he just straight up ignores him. What he does do is give Dr. Wells the beat down of the year when the force field gives. He is putting all the hands on Wells like he finger painting. He basically had him in the stone cold mudhole turnbuckle stomp for days. When Joe shuts the force field down to save Wells HMF grabs the goods, merks the swat team then gets all up in Eddy’s face.
Barry gets the text from Caitlin to get off the bench: then what ensues is the rematch we been waiting for. Barry bout to get in this French Mustard villains ass… or so you thought. I hate it had to be Barry but HMF gave him the best ass whooping Network Television has seen since Slade Wilson popped that Mirakuru water and tee’d off on Ollie.
Yo I was sooooo MAAAAAAAAAD Ronnie saved the day in this man. Ugh! I will say it was funny how Ronnie leaves the scene though. Best exit in the game.
Joe fills Eddy in on the metahuman situation and then sees Barry. He knows Barry done gotten the mess beat out of him this whole episode. This shit was a blowout but as Barry hits him with that real talk on how he always been scared of Mustard Yellow Suits, Joe West brings Barry back with some nostalgia.
Man let them thug tears fly right there. This that real rap raw role model fatherhood up in this piece, god damn it. They head back home with everyone from Star Labs there (minus Wells who caught the ass kicking of the millennium) Barry wishes Iris and Eddy luck as he buries all the feels he spilled for Iris earlier. Iris gives him that look back in understanding …or… I- I couldn’t tell yeah. At best it’s a “Maybe next life time” emoji as far as I can tell.
Dr. Wells back in his secret room and we find out that he on that young Jeezy real estate plan cause even his room got rooms! We also see what he been storing in secret as he let’s an iconic flash item glisten.
Yeah, we can finally say hello to the Honey Mustard colored bad guy.
**See Yall in 2015**