Season 3 / Episode 9/ The CW
This week, we finally get that Julian backstory we been looking for. Oh.. You thought we wanted to know more about this professional dick and Barry hater extraordinaire? Naa b. Just wanted to have more reasons to despise every ounce of his being. We see the fallout of Wally doin’ side training. Cisco goes off the depression deep end and Savitar gets the prophetic spotlight in our mid-season finale, The Present.
We start off in India. A bunch of rich assholes who don’t know when to leave well enough alone, are digging for that Alchemy Stone. It’s lookin’ grim out in these excavation dirt roads. Julian got that look on his face that you make when you bout to cry cuz you just did a slew of work thinking it was gonna result in the most praise, but at the last minute your boss gives your project the axe. He was bout to say fuck it and blow the rest of his inheritance, move to Thailand, and take up tour guiding when his lil’ assistant archaeologist runs up huffin’ like she just finished the NYC Marathon, so you know they done found the goods.
They locate the stone and Julian ignores all sound advice and immediately opens it, triggering violent rumbling. We don’t see the results of this opening, but we all know Julian got hit with that blue stone light and started up his Alchemy fuckboy shit right then n’ there.
S.T.A.R. Labs: Cisco pulls out an Oxford University dissertation paper on the Brahmastra, said to be the first device to give people super human abilities. Turns out this informative dissertation was written by none other than Draco Julian Dickfoy his slithering self! So Barry goes to ask the man what’s good with this suspect business.
CCPD: Barry rolls up on Julian and something closely related to this translation, goes down.
Barry: Sup, bruh?
Julian: Fuq you in my lab?
Barry: Fuq you know about the stone that Alchemy uses?
Julian: Long ago, I heard about the Brahmastra aka the Philosopher’s Stone. No not that one. I became obsessed with finding it. Spent family inheritance lookin’ for that shit for dumb long. I failed. They hid that rock so well, Tyrone Biggums wouldn’t have been able to find it. Then I pulled up to C-City. Kinda like Kevin Durant’s journey to Golden State.
Barry: OK, let’s say I believe you, whatchu know about Savitar?
Julian: How you know that name son?
Barty: I did my own research..
Julian: Beware Barry Allen, beware. And I still hate you.
Barry: Thanks. The feeling is mutual.
Meanwhile, Joe is busy gettin cozy with Cecil. It’s kinda romantic, but also kinda creepy. Idk how to feel about old love. I do know how to feel about the grandma Esther vs grandma Millie, Nog-Off. That shit sounds amazing.
S.T.A.R. Labs: Barry is getting restless with a Speed God and his minions running around his town, so he decides to do everything in his power to be ready to take on a being so fast only Flash can see him. So what does the fastest man alive and his perplexed ass do? Run over to Earth 3 and recruit Jay Garrick, of course. After that Supergirl, Arrow, Legends of Tomorrow team up, Flash can’t do shit on his own I guess. He lookin Magikarp weak.
Earth 3: Barry snatches up Jay and saves him from getting blown up by guest starring Mark Hamel. They head back to star labs to discuss what to do.
Sidebar: I’m so glad they’re finally giving Iris a legitimate roll on this team. Homegirl is a talent they’ve been wasting on damsel duties.
Iris and Barry get a moment alone and she tells her man that she did a bit of digging herself and found out some spicy tidbits about that Julian led excavation. Turns out his team was left with 4 dead archaeologists, a detail the professional dick AND liar conveniently forgot to mention. The wheels start turning in Barry’s head and he’s off to Headquarters.
S.T.A.R. Labs: HR and Wally let it slip that they’ve been training and do a comedic job of trying to cover it up. Joe was about to hit HR with the Mike Tyson’s Punch Out haymaker and turn into Joe Jackson on Wally’s behind. But they ain’t got time for dat cuz Alchemy is back out in the streets on his fuckboy Flashpoint revival shit. Wally and Harry rejoice that they just avoided Joe sticking his feet 2 foot up they asses.
Oh and here’s one more for that new J. Cole album.
This dude Alchemy is out here showin’ his ass, using the power of some C-City orb looking structure to revive all the metas from Flashpoint. Too bad for those fools cuz they bout to get a double dosage of Flash putting in that time and half! Jay handles the alchemists, Barry takes a couple of laps around the sphere to charge up that dope AF Lighting canon and unleashes the meanest strike upon Alchemy’s Savitar worshiping ass. Zeus woulda been proud. Barry rips off Alchemy’s mask revealing Julian as the dick we always knew he was..or is he? Poor Jay thought he had it easy taking out the lackeys..until Savitar showed up and dropped the Cap and Bucky vs Iron Man beat down that Barry got a few episodes ago. Savitar was straight up bout to disembowel Garrick until Barry grabbed the Philosopher’s Stone and closed it up inside its containment box.
Sidebar: Fuck is good with this box? Is this shit Superman’s Savitar dog collar? Infused with the Chakra of the 9 tails? I don’t know man.
The Flash hauls this jabroni back and throws his guilty ass in the Pipeline for questioning. Dude is pumpin’ an awfully convincing tale that he has no idea what these accusations are about. Flash heads upstairs to check on Jay, who’s old ass is laid up in the STAR Labs hospital bed like Rock Lee after his battle with Gaara. Barry’s wheels begin to turn after a brief discussion with Joe, then decides to go back down and reason with his former colleague. He takes off his mask and tells Julian that he may believe that he’s not Alchemy, but needs to accept that he is being controlled by Savitar if he ever wants to get rid of this evil puppet master. Julian tells our hero he’s been blacking out for a hot minute and Flash begins to put the pieces together..or is he?
Meanwhile, Salty Cisco hasn’t found a way to get out his feelings and Savitar preys on his weakness in the form of visions of his brother Dante. It eventually gets so bad that Cisco is lured to the Philosopher’s Stone box and opens it up because “Dante” said it was the only way they could be together again. Word Cisco? That’s how we givin it up now? Barry makes one big mistake amongst all the life saving he be doin and you go full fuck boi decisions on us? Dam. Caitlin couldn’t even get him to come to his senses after she walks in on him.
Of course, the opening of the box allows Savitar to return while Jay’s bad knees and dislocated hip keep him sidelined. Yeah I’m comin’ at old people, what about it? Barry springs into action but is in deep doo doo with the quickness. It falls on HR to jump in and save the day — to urge Wally to use the talent he was blessed with, to give help Flash with this Speed Megatron, Savitar aka Savitron. Wally provides the perfect distraction (aka getting slapped around) to give Caitlin just enough time to convince Cisco that what he’s seeing is a trick and close the box before Wally and Barry get turned into a melted Choco Taco. Wally’s response to Barry’s gratitude? Golden.
I’ll be completely honest, the rest of the episode was mad meh. Straight Christmas cheer and Draco Julian Dickfoy manipulation.
Julian somehow weasels his way into an all access pass to S.T.A.R Labs. Barry’s ever trusting ass gave this fool the knowledge of every member of Team Flash’s identity. THEN they invite this frontin’ he lonely mufucka to Christmas dinner! Because letting someone who has been empowering villains all season couldn’t go badly, Barry. I will say that my man HR has seriously provided allllll the comedic relief this season while Cisco mopes around pissed at Barry. Especially drunk HR.
Late Episode Shockers
The writers crafted one remaining scene that finally moved forward with the story in a big way. Jay and Barry decide to destroy the Philosopher’s Stone by throwing it into the Speed Force. They do a little shake and bake Rocky Bobby speed move and toss that shit into the Speed Force like a Aroldis Chapman on the mound. But what is this? Barry goes and gets zapped 5 months into the future, and what does he see? Oh, only the death of his one true love, at the hands of Savitron and his 3 foot metallic scythe.
How adorable is Barry when he Christmas surprises Iris with the new apt? Orrrr he realized he’s only got a few months with bae.
Savitar called HR “the fake Wells”. As much as I love his humor, he could easily be a manipulative mofo parading as Wells.
Its honestly been fun as hell watching Wally relish in all his speed glory. Literally everyday has been like to Christmas to him so it was fitting he finally gets blessed with a suit on Christmas, so he can properly venture out as Kid Flash. The team is really coming together now.
“One Shall Betray You…”
“One Shall Fall…”
“One Shall Suffer A Fate Far Worse Than Death!”
The first half of this seasons Flash has been dope. A few snooze episodes, few great ones. Let’s hope the show keeps it goin strong for the Speed Force Gawd. Catch up on all our recaps from season 3 here.