Dear John Diggle,
Bruh. I didn’t wanna write this, man. I really didn’t. I thought we were good with our critique on how the show needed to improve you. I thought we bodied bagged the topic, my dude. Put the body bag in a body bag, bruh… then I got on the Twitters. I saw Arrow released a costume for you for season 4. I mean, it’s only seasons later and you already been runnin’ around Star City waving the four-four with Team Arrow sooooooo I’m not sure how a costume is going to conceal your identity. I’m sure it’s been up on a Star City Reddit forum titled “So what’s up with John Diggle being every where the Arrow is? Am I right?” but I was still fucking with it. I said, “Oh they finally goin’ give Digs his due? Cool. Lemme see what they whipped up. Let’s see what they got for ya mans and dem for season 4.”
Mmmmm–mmmm hmmm… *sighs* Wooooo- Ah– Mmmmmmmmmmm *shakes head side to side* I-don’t… I’m not sure if I… *hands on knees* Lord, give me the strength. I need ya, Looooooort! Lort I need you cause the fandom is telling me noooooooooo but the memes, *jumping up and down* these memes is telling me yesssss. I don’t wanna roast him, Lord. I don’t wanna… I… I…
Diggle they got you out here in Paul Robeson’s throwback football helmet?
Jacket lookin’ so young, that shit ain’t even on solid foods yet.
Lookin’ like you ’bout to cosplay as X-Men: First Class-edition Magneto.
Lookin’ like you ’bout to “hop out the muh fuckin Mach 5” on some Speed Racer shit .
Lookin’ like you a futuristic q-tip from the year 3034.
Lookin’ like an extra from Mad Max: Fury Road, ain’t nobody finna witness you, breh!
Lookin’ like you were football player #2 at the 51 second mark in Will Smith’s Concussion trailer
Lookin’ like you straight up lost a bet that involved aluminum foil.
Lookin’ like American Eagle introducing the new fall line.
Lookin’ like the superhero section of Forever 21.
Lookin’ like my created character in NFL Street.
Lookin’ like the designer was playing Kid Chameleon on their break and said, “fuck it, I’m bringing this shit back.”
Lookin’ like the new spokesperson for Trojan condoms.
Lookin’ like you low key ’bout to shoot a remake of Shaq’s Steel.
Also, I’m not sure if you’re about to fight crime or do an end zone dance.
I’m not sure if you finna’ vigilante or got a second job as the attacker in a self-defense class.
I’m not sure if this is a promo for season 4 of Arrow or a 90’s Extreme Mr. Clean ad.
Most importantly, WHY CAN I STILL PHYSICALLY SEE WHO THE FUCK YOU ARE?!?
I see you dude, like… full on Avatar “see you,” man. This is not a metaphor for something deep. If you were still single and your pic came up on Tinder everybody’d be like,
“oh the vigilante that hangs with Arrow on here?” *Swipes right*
Why they only conceal your cheekbones?! Are cheekbones the most necessary part of identifying someone?
“Sorry, officer I wish I could be more help, but I just didn’t get a good look at his cheek bones. His eyes, nose, mouth, and complexion were stunning, doe! That’s one vigilante that knows his moisturizers. I can tell you that much, sir.”
Diggle man, I’m… I’m not even sorry. Not even gon’ try to feign that fuck, my dude. Not even gon’ try. I’ll see you Wednesdays at 8pm, guy. Oh, one more thing: that helmet is trash. No I mean literally cause it looks like someone took an office bin and said, “yeah we could work with this.” Okay. I’m done for reals. I’m going. I’m going. I’ll see myself out.