Banshee Recap: It’s a ‘Little Late to Grow a Pair’ Once the Bodies Start Dropping

“Little late to grow a pair” / Season 4 / Episode 5 / Cinemax

And you say Blood in Banshee. We’re back as our favorite ex-Sheriff gets a ride from special agent Dawson back to his home on the range. Dawson trying to get Hood to talk via alcohol, which is the best routine. She just wants him to keep her in the loop since she knows he’ll go after the killer.

Hood walks home to see his entire place burning. Proctor is literally standing there with the gasoline can talkin bout “what part of the game was getting Rebecca pregnant?”

I understand where Proctor is coming from but come on man. How petty we goin be about this? Hood is staring into the fire thinkin’, “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck man. I had ice cream and my laptop in there dude”.

Apparently that was enough to call it even cause Proctor still wants Hood to bring the killer directly to him.

We flash back a month to Rebecca being alive and at a bank trying to take her stash from a private vault. The banker is trying to tell her perhaps she might wanna wait till Proctor is there. Rebecca ain’t here to hear that shit at all. The banker has the “she’s goin pull a glock on me once I open this box for her” face and sure enough when he opens the box, Rebecca sees that her entire stash is gone, she yokes the banker up, puts the nina to his melon, and just starts shoutin Rihanna lyrics at him.

Banker: Annnnnd there’s the gun. Ms. Bowman Wait, I can–
Banker: If we just wait for–
Proctor:(Ooooooh. Rebecca put the heat away. you can’t be–
Proctor: Oh she talkin in Rihanna lyrics. Ain’t goin be no reaching her now.

Sun. Rebecca put the tool on Proctor and this dude’s response was, “Word? Shoot then. SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZE MUH FUCKA.” I. WAS. FUCKING. DYING.! That shit was straight outta the boon docks n*** moment segment man. Proctor fucking gully for real. Rebecca throws the piece down because she wasn’t bout it. Also Rebecca throwing the gun down…can’t be proper gun safety etiquette.

We come back to present day and Watts has a gift for Proctor to show his support. The dude that was in charge the night the Factor caught the fade from Carrie is tied to a tree with his legs tied to a pick up truck. Watts tells Calvin to get in the truck, put on “Highway to the Dangerzone” and pull off (literallly) on this dude.

Calvin got the Nancy Kerrigan “Why meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” facial struggle with this shit. He gets in, fucking hits 30mph, and rips dude in half. Proctor and Clay are watching this shit unfold, Proctor said, “Ummmm okay. Seems wasteful but whatever. I just want production to be good again.” Watts is telling him that’s handled but since Proctor dealing with Cartel cats and trying to supply the whole east coast. He needs a piece and not compensation. Yo, why is it cats will be racist and white power everything UNTIL money is involved? Just last episode Watts was talkin’ bout America being poisoned and he is literally working to provide a Mexican cartel with drugs. What part of the race wars is that? Bill O’ Reilly didn’t get punk’d by Cam and Dame Dash for this shit.

Job is at Carrie’s having flashbacks again. YO, MY HACKER JOB IS THE REALEST! He stood on a shaky ass stool balancing himself for 28 hours (new off the map prison record by the way). When the guard told’em he wasn’t goin kill’em (but was goin’ leave his ass on that stool for another 24 hours) Job kicked the stool over, hung himself, and dude cut him down. Guard gave him props on knowing that he would cut him loose. Carrie comes in and tells Job his ass bout to get these chores in. “Fuck your PTSD if you don’t wanna talk about it then. These windows dirty and we need some potpourri in this muh fucka.”

Job out here getting them hands Dirty when Hood comes by after being told by Sugar to see how he is doing. It’s hard to even make jokes at this scene as this is the first time we see Hood admit that he gave up (thinking Job was dead) and something broke inside him. Hood on the verge of tears man and Job BEING THE GAWD THAT HE IS and the good as friend that he is, says, “Well what’s one year to you doing 15 up north right? That shit happened on my watch. Again my bad on that. Fuck the past and the time I saved over your progress in Uncharted 3 (“that was you?!”) shhh.shhhh…. We gotta worry bout the now baby”

Hood: The now?
Job: Yes. The present mutha fucka cause Carrie *makes sure she isn’t coming up the drive way* Carrie been watching season two of Daredevil and goin’ Punisher on Proctor’s whole operation, continuing Gordon’s crusade to take his ass out. She out here thinkin she’s Frank mutha fucking Castle.
Hood: I hear you– wait, if she is Punisher does that make me Stick?
Job: Fuck you, I’m stick. That makes you Elektra.
Hood: Good. *Thinks to himself* (YASSSSSS! I was hoping for that.)

Meanwhile at the Mayor’s office. The Amish community is straight up parked in front of Proctor’s steps. Proctor is so maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. These folk wanting Rebecca’s body back, and Proctor is fed up and getting out of pockeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet with everyone. He’s basically Denzel at the end of Training Day shoutin, “Y’all goin do me like this? YOU UNGRATEFUL MUTHA FUCKAS” Son, Clay had to step in on some, Chiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilll homie! Cameras is on fam. We goin get’em after recess brah. Just relax.”

Watts visits Kurt Bunker telling him to bring his ass back into the fold. Watts is also telling Kurt that Maggie shoulda married him cause Calvin sawft. Calvin a damn gluten free jello shot with no alcohol. Watts just draaaaaaaaaaaaaaags Calvin. All the while he got Calvin waiting in the truck cryiiiiiiiiiiin! Look at ya man’s and dem damn near melting over the steering wheel. Screenshot 2016-05-02 19.20.45

Kurt ain’t getting back into the fold of shit tho. Watts assures him that after the after party he is throwing tomorrow, he is going to take care of Kurt, for good. After visiting the most recently murdered girl’s sister, and telling Hood about the kid witness to the killer, Brock calls a press conference. My man gets on the mic and lets loose on some pc shit but I got the original unedited footage,

Brock: And to this fake ass, Jack the Ripper runnin’ round my town killing women. I SEE YOU PLAYBOI. I’ma get 5 minutes with you in the parking lot. Son, you out here making women feel unsafe when they already got enough shit to worry about just trying to get equal pay, pass the glass ceiling, and hope the dude walkin by them isn’t a god damn threat or tell them they should fucking smile more. You wanna bring this shit to my city now you fucking coward?
Kurt: Brock, I think that’s, enou-

Hood strolls up the the Native American residence to talk to the kid who saw the killer. The boy is outside coloring. Hood colors with him, I’m thinking this entire time. “Nobody goin come get the white dude on the reservation? Nobody sees this or did the parents make Hood baby sit the kid while they went out. That’s what i woulda did. Hood notices the kids drawing and realizes the killer has horns. Meanwhile at Fetish R Us. Agent Dawson was going over the case and came to a satanic cult spot in Banshee. She asks to get where the red door to where the real party at (only those that grew up with block buster or a West coast Video will get that Red Door joke). She gets told to fuck off and sneaks back there anyhow…she ain’t really sneak so much as walk back there and judge everyone’s kinks.

Dawson gets to dudes branding a girl and decides, “Yeah I gotta comment aloud on how weird this shit is. Aye….Aye! This shit is weiiiiiiiird my dude.” These dudes rightfully get offended and attack her and she holds her own, till the numbers game catches up. Hood comes in just in time to save her ass. Realizing this is the only spot where folks with horns might hang out. They beat up one dude to find out where he got his surgery. Dude of course says fuck you, then gets hit from Hood and is like “Okay. Okay. Okay” and proceeds to snitch. …I’m not one to be interrogated or anything but I’d like to believe it’d take more than one fucking punch to make me talk. Plus Hood got sensitive hands as we have established in these recaps. I’m not saying that guy is soft… I’m just saying that guy is soft. They get a name then get the fuck outta the club before they catch Hepatitis A through C. At Dawson’s hotel room, Hood decides to be her tag team partner on this go around.

We then see the tax accounting god Clay Burton in the middle of the street waiting for the Amish protesters to come back from harvesting their crops. This dude whips out a chainsaw and I thought he was going to fucking amputate the horse but he just sawed the wagon and let the horse run away. That horse got the fuck outta Banshee dude, he’s probably in Canada as we speak.

Clay tells them they won’t be selling shit in Banshee or anywhere. We then see smoke coming from their farms and Proctor at the car staring. Rebecca’s mom runs up on him shoutin’, why kai why? Ummmmmm I dunno maybe because you shunned your kid out of the community (when she was helping to defend someone no less) then ran up on Proctor in front of the entire city? Just a guess.

At Carrie’s residence Deputy Cruz is following up on who she suspects been shittin’ on Proctor’s operation recently. A boot print from the blown up factory reveals it was a woman’s boot, combine that with having seen Carrie hanging around Bunker, Cruz is out creepin… eeeexcept she gets caught by Job. A lil game of cat and mouse ensuses and Job reads Cruz her liiiiiiiiiiife.

Cruz: Oh, I’m just responding to a call. …You sure do have a lot of security.
Job: Yeah well you can think I’m paranoid until someone tries to see if you can balance on a stool for 28 hours to prevent yourself from being hung.
Cruz: What?
Job: What? Also funny thing about that call….cause i ain’t make it and we aint got no neighbors sooooooo

Cruz:…. I’m just goin step back into the shadows now. you have a good night.
Job: Mmmm hmm okay. I can still see you. Still see you. Annnnnnnd you’re- no still see you.
Job was holding the nina behind his back, is back on his bullshit. The gawd goes into the bathroom, looks at himself in the mirror, then looks up at Mufasa and hears him say, “Remember who you are” then starts shaving the dome. you know what that means, GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!

At the hate rally after party to the after party, Watts is giving his heart warming speech about family (something racist), payin’ dues (something else more racist), and everybody getting paid. Calvin had enough and is sayin that Watts sold out. Watts tells him to get his office space job havin, Michael Scott tie wearing ass out of his fucking face. Now if we move about 50-60 clicks north everybody’s favorite ex neo nazi Kurt Bunker got Watts dead to rights in the cross hairs of a sniper rifle.

Screenshot 2016-05-02 19.59.32

Son, Bunker is the fucking best man. I never thought I’d be saying this about a fictional ex neo nazi trying to repent but this guy man. This fucking guy man, before he can take the shot we hear, “Word? Really Bunker?” Brock talkin to Bunker like he just caught him trying to hide porn yo. Bunker, “awwww man go away Brock” as if Brock is standing in front of the TV while he is trying to play Call of Duty.

Brock found his ass due to the GPS tracker (get it together Bunker) and tells him there is a right way to do things and their (gang way) to do things. He needs Bunker on his side to protect Banshee the right way. I mean i guess we goin’ gloss over the execution that happened at the beginning of season 3 to the cats that killed Emit and his family by Hood, Kelly, and Brock but whatever. Bunker packs up the choppa and tells Brock he’s down with him.

Bunker: That was a good ah…a good speech.
Brock: He says holding a sniper rifle… We don’t have to make this anymore awkward than it already is. Come on, lets go.

Bunker heads home and sees Maggie already waiting for him. They discuss Watts being back and she shows Bunker some photos from Calvin’s desk. It’s about the large ass drug shipment that’s going down for the cartel. I mean sure you should just have that info lying around your house, why not. Speaking of shit lying around the house. Watts comes home to see Calvin drinking alone in the basement. Calvin tells him he ain’t welcomed round these parts no more, and Watts tells him’em to eat a dick and serve him a drink. Yo, Watts done made this dude tear a man in half. Sit in the car with the window down while he talked to bunker so he could hear him tell him how better Kurt is than him, and make fun of his tie at the after party. I mean that’s enough to make anyone …I dunno grab an ice pick from a bucket and stab their step father in the back of the neck as he goes to fix himself a drink? You’d agree right. Good cause that’s exactly what Calvin did.

Cavin then goes back to sipping his drink the proceeds to get but ass naked to cut up Watts body. …I realize there is a technique to killing someone and not getting your DNA everywhere and making sure you get ride of the blood and all but I mean….did you really have to get butt as naked tho Calvin? Do I have to add that to the list of things you get butt ass naked for? Sex, when you gotta take a shit so badly that you gotta get naked for it, and now when you kill someone and gotta chop up the body. Congrats Calvin you made the list buddy.

Screenshot 2016-05-02 20.06.44

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  • Omar Holmon is a content editor that is here to make .gifs, obscure references, and find the correlation between everything Black and Nerdy.

  • Show Comments

  • Evil Ninja (@EvilNinjaX24)


    In all my years, I’ve never had drop a load so bad that I had to get butt-ass nekkid for it. I don’t want that to happen, either.

  • H-Bone81

    Fuck you, I’m Stick. ??????? YASSSSSSSS

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