[Raises hands to absorb spirit energy] Give me your strength, people, ’cause we in the season finale — perhaps the series finale, if producers are to be trusted — of Big Little Lies. So, how’d this go down? If you need a “previously on,” see any of the previous Big Little Lies recaps and meet me back here in Monterey by the beach. [T’Challa voice] Evacuate the city, engage all defenses, and get this man a sunhat. Let’s get into it muhfuckas ’cause there’s a lot to say on the little that happened in “I Want to Know.”
We pick up on yet another flashback to the day it all happened. That shit plays on repeat like “Call Me Maybe” in 2013, and I’m fucking exhausted. If you asked me a year ago, I’d have said I could watch Perry get merked every day for the rest of my life. Big Little Lies done called my bluff and now they just need to switch tracks on their 2013 playlist to fucking “Let it Go!” Anyway, Celeste replaying that night in her head again followed by replaying every other body she caught the “Sexual Healing” way. Since memories aren’t enough, she pulls out the external hard drive with a terabyte of YouPerry videos just scrolling through the greatest hits, bookmarks, archives, all that shit. She on pages 23 of her search results when she’s aghast at what she finds, ’cause it’s a video of Perry’s abuse although we won’t discover that until due time in the courtroom so for now we left on the Jafar tip not knowing what she found.
All over town there are kids worried about their parents’ loves lives ’cause Mackenzie and Abbie are questioning whether Madeline and Ed are going to get divorced, and elsewhere on a beach Ziggy is giving Jane the full-court press on all the reasons Jane should be with Corey. Ziggy ain’t come to play neither. This kid laid it out plain like a motivational speaker, talm’bout “you like him, you love him, you want to be with him, he makes you happy, your whole face looks different when he’s around,” hot damn, Zig! Jane had to throw a smoke screen and fucking Sasuke her way out that shit. Ziggy looked up and Jane was a log.
Back at the hospital, Bonnie is still fantasizing about suffocating her moms with a pillow so apparently we gon’ beat these flashback drums till Tupac rises again. Bonnie hates her mom, we got it, damn, you know how hard this is for people who automatically hold their breath when characters are under water? Anyway, meanwhile, Renata runs into Mary Louise at the coffee shop because either Mary Louise everywhere at once or the city of Monterey is the size of a football field. Renata is, well, Renata and goes the fuck off on Mary Louise the way she wishes she had when they initially talked a few weeks back. Mary Louise is too damn genuine to be phased and just tells Renata her honest reaction, saying that Renata is a good friend and then gives the rundown of all the things she herself suggested to help Celeste. Mary Louise said how Celeste didn’t even want to get a nanny, and Renata took that shit as an indictment of her own parenting and that puts Renata to a full 10 so she puts on some Lupe “Words I Never Said” and lets it rip. Renata was winning too until she got tongue tied and called Mary Louise a “judgie judger.” Renata gave up a 3-1 lead on that argument, and then to add insult to injury Mary Louise kindly told the barista that she’ll take Renata’s coffee ’cause they going to the same place. Say what you want about Mary Louise but normal attacks don’t phase her, Teflon Grama is hard and smooth as fuck. Is she hard enough for this cross examination though? ‘Cause Celeste coming, yo.
Back in their respective locker rooms, Celeste and her lawyer Katie are arguing over whether Celeste should question Mary Louise while Mary Louise and her lawyer are going over their game plan. The lawyers are tryna coach their asses off, but neither of their clients are listening. Mary Louise is just thinking about how kind and beautiful her son Perry was and that Celeste killed him. Celeste is having a different flashback now though, recalling something from Perry and Mary Louise’s past. When it’s time for the court proceedings to begin, we find out exactly what it was: when Perry was a kid, Mary Louise was driving a car when she got into an accident that killed her son — Perry’s brother — and she blamed Perry for it. Add to that, Celeste led Mary Louise to admit that she’d only seen a very limited example of bad parenting examples and that Mary Louise ain’t much better. Mary Louise’s composure flies straight out the window as she hyperventilates to the traumatic memory of her son’s death when Perry was 5, but Celeste smelled the blood in water and went for the fucking kill. Celeste suggests that Mary Louise was violent with Perry and accuses her of hitting and kicking Perry the same way Perry hit and kicked Celeste. This shit turned into Law & Order: SVU and when Mary Louise pointed out that Jane was mistaken about Perry raping her, and that Perry is the victim here and that none of the rest of them are, Celeste pulled out the remote smooth as fuck like a bushido sword and got the swinging. That’s when we see the video that Celeste had found, that her children recorded, indisputable evidence of Perry abusing her.
Shit was dark, and the judge had to put a stop to it but the video had its intended effect. Everyone was shook at the sight of it, especially Mary Louise who saw proof for the first time she raised Ramsay Bolton. In the car afterward, Madeline and Celeste talked about what might happen with the case and had a bonding moment as Madeline supported her friend. Over at not-SeaWorld, Jane listened to Ziggy’s advice and gave Corey another shot with her open heart, ending the scene with a kiss that just about wraps up her character arc. She finds love and later rediscovers the sexual intimacy that had been taken from her. The next day Madeline and Ed find a similar ending, choosing to renew their vows and take another shot at their happy ending. Guess this means Ed chose not to play Smash Bros on Yoga Wife’s new body but instead he gets an intimate wedding with his wife and two kids on their beachfront property.
Back at home, Celeste sees her boys playing video games, and they ask her how court went. She mixes up her universes and says she was like Wonder Woman and the Incredible Hulk at the same time and then immediately regrets it when the boys asks if she beat up grandma. Future serial killers, those two, but they’re rich, white, and male so at least they’ll never be convicted. Just then, Mary Louise pulls up at Celeste’s door begging that Celeste not lie on her, that it’s not fair, that she never hit Perry like Celeste suggested in court. Celeste tells Mary Louise that she lost her sons already and that she better get over that shit ’cause she doesn’t get to take hers. Celeste slams the door in her face and for the first time she goes Sub-Zero fatality on that ass. That same night Madeline is talking with Celeste and regretful that she ever told them to lie and that they’re all falling apart. Celeste tells her that the lie makes their friendship, this bond between these 5 women who used to compete, are now all on each other’s sides. We’ll revisit this later, ’cause what the fuck.
Over at the hospital, Bonnie is getting the pillow ready to give her moms the long kiss goodnight, and it looks like she’s about to get caught but turns out she actually forgave her mom and told her she loves her and used the pillow to cuddle up in bed beside her. That love rose her mom from the dead temporarily because she woke up later hungry as hell. Only temporarily though, because she suffers another stoke off-screen later ’cause Bonnie can’t ever win.
At court for the last time, the whole squad is there with Celeste’s twins so they can all hear the court’s final verdict. Mary Louise interrupts before the verdict is given and has her moment to admit she had no idea how terrible Perry was and ask forgiveness from Celeste and Jane for having doubted them. She says she loves Celeste and bears no contempt for her but stands by her judgment that Celeste is ill and that she’s not equipped to parent her children right now. She lays out her case and the evidence for one last time, but Celeste stands up and rebuts. I don’t know how court works in Monterey, but apparently the judge doesn’t care that she had a verdict already, she just listens like she hearing it all the first time. Whatever though, because just like that Celeste wins custody and Team Celeste can pop bottles ’cause they nailed the comeback. Meanwhile though, Bonnie’s mom dies, breaking the last straw of Bonnie’s will to keep living this lie she’s been living since pushing Perry down those stairs. One of the lies she’s done with is pretending to love her husband Nathan too, so she tells him right then, calm as fuck, that she’s never loved him and that he deserves to know and that she’s sorry she never told him sooner. For those keeping score at home, we got 2 happily-ever-afters, one relationship ended, and… what about Renata?
Renata comes home to find her shitbag husband playing with all his collectible toys because although she lost everything because of him, he managed to find a way to keep all his stuff and land on his feet. Renata had e-fucking-nough. She pulls out the Louisville Slugger and goes full Renata on everything he owns and loves and tells him that she’s fucking done. Even hits him in the ribs too, ’cause fuck him. Brings us to 2 happily-ever-afters and 2 relationships ended, along with Celeste who won custody of her kids.
But none of it matters though because somehow, someway, Bonnie hits everyone on the Group Murder text thread and tells ’em she’s confessing. After an entire season of cover-up and a blood pact to never break, the rest of the Monterey 5 look at their loved ones and everything they worked to protect, and they go… yup, that makes sense. And so it is that Big Little Lies ends with the Monterey 5 showing up to support Bonnie by turning themselves in to the Monterey Police Department for some undetermined fate. And that’s all she wrote, y’all. That’s all she wrote. No one said it makes any sense.
Want to get Black Nerd Problems updates sent directly to you? Sign up here!
Follow us on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram!
Show Comments