Season: 4 / Episode: 10
***Spoilers be out here getting their shine on like Lannister Gold***
Gotdamn people! Is this it? The last season 4 recap of Dem Thrones?!?! Say it ain’t so. Well, it is known Khaleesi. Let’s go ahead and embrace the incredible finale this was.
And as we talk about embracing things, shit don’t get much more ominous then watching Jon Snow walk past a ton of scattered bodies in the snow, including a bunch of crows pecking at a giant (nicely done director). I don’t know what death looks like up north, but I imagine there are dead giants on the road to it. Jon has got one goal in mind, that’s to kill Mance Rayder and hopefully disband the Wildling army. But considering we haven’t seen Mance in a fortnight, my guess is they gotta thaw your boy out first like Walt Disney before that can happen. This the most pleasant “our people just got done killing each other and this shit ain’t done yet” conversation I’ve ever heard. I do wish we got this much development from Mance at least one more time since the last time we saw him, but this scene was great regardless. Even if it looked like Mance was about to re-introduce the Princess Bride battle of wits scene on Jon for a minute.
When the ruse is finally revealed that Jon came there to kill Mance, none of it matters because Stannis Baratheon brought the crew up North for some ice fishing and kingdom ruling. And if you don’t mind me sayin, Stannis is a little cocky ain’t he? He rolled up on the King in North like all I do is, occasionally, sometimes, this one time maybe, got lucky, WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN. Mance, said, you know, the hook is nice and all, but we still we don’t kneel, b. Jon, who adds defense lawyer to his number of considerable talents that don’t include guarding a really fucking big piece of ice, vouches for Mance and saves his Oberyn from being cut off.
First off, they really could’ve just laced the next three scenes with Beyonce saying “Bow Down Bitches” on loop because that’s exactly how Cersei navigated this episode.
First, she presides over Maester Pycelle and Qyburn while they debate what to do with the Mountain and the poisoned gaping wound in his stomach. Then she kicks Pycelle out of his own muthafuckin lab, which really sucks for him because he won’t get to witness Qyburn creating the first man made zombie. There’s probably a separate spin-off that’s just called Frankenstein and the Mountain.
By the way, anyone that refers to the “monster” as “Frankenstein” is actually requesting that you give them a swift kick in the Briennes (foreshadowing, b),
So feel free to oblige them.
Next on the Cersei Tour De Force is her confrontation with Tywin. Cersei has the best shutdown oneliners in the game and that, “Spare me another smug story where you win. This isn’t going to be one of those times,” is one of her best. Of course, Tywin tries to dismiss that until Cersei hit him with the I Know That You Know What I Did Last Summer. Tywin tried to play that shit like:
Last stop on the Wu Tang Cersei Ain’t Nothin to Fuck with Tour is Jaime, who wasn’t trying to do shit except check the White Book to see if the margins were on point, when Cersei come up in there on some, “I choose you,” shit. Which leads to sex between two beautiful people…who are related. And not in the “we like family” way.
But at least, YEA FOR CONSENT THIS TIME!!!
…TO INCEST!!!…whateva, lets not belittle our progress here.
Across the Narrow Sea, we are back to the now Jorah-less Meereen Kingdom where Daenerys is, as usual, giving an audience to every pleb from Slaver’s Bay to New Mexico. Look, I know that Daenerys wants to be a just and accessible Queen. It’s nice to see her investment in the people as opposed to being completely consumed by revenge and birthright. But why the hell doesn’t Daenerys have a customer service department? How you Queen and you can’t get a muthafucka to screen your calls? This is like the CEO of Sony Enterprises not having caller ID. I need Daenerys to not be shocked and appalled every time a horror story is brought to her throne because a muthafucka working minimum wage should come up to her beforehand and be like, “so, the young cat with the nappy beard, number 108 in line, this dude gonna bring you a pile of scorched baby bones talkin about the big black one did it. I know, I know, I thought it was fucked up how he said it too, but I know he meant the dragon. I know, it doesn’t make it better, but that’s not what he meant, you feel me? Anyways, just wanted to give you the heads up on that Queen.” Or something like that, I have no idea how you say you say ‘you feel me?’ in High Valerian. All I’m sayin is that she really easy to get at. Shit, all I do is run a website and a brotha at least got voicemail. Sheeeeyet.
And also, what the hell is the economy like in Meereen right now? This old dude talkin about bring back the chains? Shit is that bad? I think the only thing we really learned was that Daenerys sure as hell ain’t FDR. Where does Meereen stand now after Daenerys freed the slaves, 92% unemployment? We can’t get no government programs or anything for these people? There’s no post war efforts to put these people to work? I guess that’s what happens when you take all the job creators and crucify them when you first enter the city. All the wealthy people of Meereen are pissed because now there’s regulations on shit, muthafuckas feel like they’re losing the country. This socialist agenda that Daenerys is pushing is the real tyranny. Wait till she announces KhalessiCare! That’s the real slavery. Better stay woke. And she got a Dragon program in place that has no direct human interaction and is taking out innocents. Gotdamn, what’s it take to impeach this woman? She wasn’t even born here.
If all that wasn’t bad enough, One Dead Kid = The Two Dragons that didn’t do shit getting locked up. Meereen needs to step up their DNA game and let these cats get free. They rolled that stone in front of the entrance like these cats supposed to rise on the third day. What y’all know about Easter Dragon Sunday?
Let’s check in with Brandon Stark as he drags his crew across all three Ice Age movies (tell me there’s only three) just to get to the same tree that swallowed Hugh Jackman in the Fountain.
Seriously, I know everyone is invested in this quest, but everybody not named Bran gotta think dude is an asshole at this point right? What could possibly be worth all that snow and uphill thigh burn? Then, of course, shit gets crazy when the skeletons from the original Clash of the Titans start popping out of the ground.
Look, I’m really not trying to throw shade homies, I enjoyed this scene a lot. But the above footage was from 1981. ’81, b. If this proves anything, its that all of our investments in CGI for the last 30 years have not advanced evil skeletons with swords animations that much. I’m just sayin, maybe it was never meant to be. Meera Reed goes Hyrule Warriors on the skeletons
…while her brother comes down with a case of “shoulda been dead by now.” Bran ghost rides the whip aka Hodor, one more ‘gain, but they are still being overwhelmed. Well, until Homeless Princess Peach come out the gotdamn tree, swallows a flower and starts throwing fireballs and shit.
Some skeleton puts that needle work to Jojen, Meera has to mercy kill her brother and they all jump in the tree on some “the floor is lava” type shit. Inside the tree, the three eyed raven is actually an old dude whose AARP apparently didn’t cover Tree-Growing-Through-You. At least with KhaleesiCare, he would still be covered under pre-existing conditions. He tells Bran he will get what he always wanted…
Bran: I will be able to walk again?
South of the Erie, everything is as it always is: Arya is riverdancing, Podrick is fucking up, Brienne is mad at Podrick for fucking up and the Hound is taking a shit. Everyone is in their comfort zone. This episode is filled with outstanding scenes, but this one might be a masterpiece from start to finish. Arya talking to Brienne broke my heart.
There’s an alternative version to this story where Brienne becomes the Batman to Ayra’s Damien Wayne and Arya is honed into the deadliest person alive while gaining (back) a sense of honor under Brienne’s tutelage. Alas, that lasts up to about the point where Hound finishes doing his business on the other side of the hill. A great back and forth between Brienne and Clegane where Clegane looks at that Lanister gold handled Valerian sword.
I gotta say, this is one of the best one on one fights that Thrones has given us. And we just had one of the all-timers a couple of weeks ago. You had swords clanging.
You had Brienne bite off Clegane’s right Holyfield. You had Clegane kick Brienne squarely in the penalty box
It all ends with Brienne going Sparta on the Hound off the cliff edge. Of course, Arya been ghost because her choices are between this large woman with a Lanister weapon (created from her father’s melted sword no doubt) and a dude still on her bucket list. Once Brienne and Podrick can’t find Arya because it would’ve been a waste of time to check behind large rocks, Arya has her final moments with a dying Hound.
“You won’t last a day” / “I’ll last longer than you”
Clegane is begging for a mercy kill and Arya just staring through this dude’s soul.
He tries to goad her by talking about her sister.
Arya thinking about how long it’s been since she washed her hair…
He tries to anger her about the Butcher’s Boy.
Arya is wondering if Jon Snow got any product for her hair up on the Wall because these split ends are not going to take care of themselves.
The hound finally begs for her to take his life.
Arya thinks, naw, they probably got terrible products that far north. Might as well take some money and buy my own products.
Back in King’s Landing, Jaime, who feels good like a man that got some because the woman was mutually interested in getting some (we’ll leave out the other details), wants to continue to please his family (sorry) and let Tyrion out of jail. He’s coordinated an escape with Varys, which means that this might be the last mixtape the Kingslayer Brothers drop.
This is like the Clipse breaking up except Pusha T got two hands. Though, something tells me he would really give some hard thought to losing one if he could replace it with a solid gold one. Tyrion appears to be one of those annoying cheats that reads “create your own adventure books,” but also reads all of the choices anyway. He on his one last job hustle and finds his way to the Hands Tower to say goodbye to pops. You know, thank him for all his mentoring, guidance and support over the years. This did air on Father’s Day, by the way.
Apparently prostitutes can’t hear for shit because Shae up in the silks like TLC used for the “Creep” video and can’t recognize boots on stone are approaching her.
Now listen, I know that anyone can die on Thrones, but we didn’t come all this way for Tyrion to get gutted by Shae with a knife you skin apples with, b. I know she’s just an “employee”, but she should at least have a working knowledge of fiction tropes to understand an accessory from the fruit tray wasn’t going to get it done. After Tyrion chokes her out with Eric B’s chain from the Let the Rythem Hit ‘Em album cover,
Tyrion remembers that per Joffrey’s precedent, you’re only supposed to kill whores with crossbows, but figures he can still get some mileage out of it.
I’m sure this will become a movie / TV trope that we hate in the future much like “it’s time to finish this” line in the third act or the protagonist walking towards the camera with an explosion in the background, but for now, can we enjoy the terrifying and menacing visual and sound of someone dragging a weapon through a narrow hallway towards the inevitable kill room? Is this not the coolest thing going right now?
We are also witness to what must have been the most dignified and articulate conversation that ever took place while one of the participants was taking a shit.
Let’s take a moment to pay tribute to the horrible, brilliant cut throat that was Tywin Lannister. This man came into our collective consciousness (on the show) by carving a deer and delivering the immortal “A Lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinions of sheep” speech where he dressed down his own son, the most arrogant and famous swordsman in Westeros. He leaves us probably wishing he hadn’t ate all that bread before bed. In between that, he became the hero of Blackwater, destroyed the Stark family line by engineering the Red Wedding without lifting a sword and (almost) solidified the Martell’s as a permanent ally (before Oberyn’s head went Big Bang Theory). This isn’t even counting the triumphs that came before this storyline that include the sacking of Kings Landing or the decimation of the Rains Family. So here we are…in the privy. Tywin still out here intimidating cats and giving out lessons until Tyrion hits him with the Joffrey 1-2 stunna.
Varys comes into the tower and is like:
Varys drops Tyrion in the King Landing Fed Ex box and is about to make his way back to the capital when the bells start tolling, and despite Tyrion’s best wishes, you know its not for Tits and Wine. The bells are basically telling Varys that he ain’t got’s to go home, but he a got’s to get the hell up outta here.
Our last shot of the season is Arya on the pony enjoying all this freedom and fall breeze. She makes her way to a harbor where they don’t mind shoveling that milk of the poppy out in the open. After being rebuffed from going to the Wall (Arya, we’re doing this for your own good, you want NO PARTS of what’s poppin at the Wall right now), she remembers she got the Willy Wonka Golden Ticket in her pocket. She went from begging to scrub decks to getting a complimentary Skipper hat with her cabin with all amenities paid for and the option to sub in fondue for her vegetable with no charge for the upgrade.
And that’s where we leave it. Bran sill dead from the waist down inside of a tree, Jon Snow and the Bastard Swords now under new management, Cersei willing to set fire to anything, Daenerys, the breaker of chains, putting her chains on the babies, Tyrion and Varys bout to cross the Narrow Sea, Arya crossing the Narrow Sea with that hard white and about to meet her connect in Braavos and Tywin Lannister, dead as a muthafucka.
What an incredible, exhausting season this has been and I have been happy to supply the recaps for you. We’ll see you next March/April I’m sure, where hopefully we lead with the huge thing that DIDN’T happen in this last episode…
…I’m just playin
…but seriously, they left out something huge…
…See you in 9 months!