Game of Thrones Recap: The Wars To Come

Season: 5 / Episode: 1 / HBO Spoilers be catching arrows to the torso before they burn to death. Also, all the recaps won’t be this long (though I promise what Jon Snow knows: nothing), but it’s the premiere, and I was excited and my body was ready. So let’s get into it. How do we start season five? With our first flashback. Which ain’t really one because adolescent Cersei Lannister is basically adult Cersei Lannister but shorter and with more friends. In other words, one. We never learn the other girl’s name because this is Cersei’s story and it’s not even definite that she knows. But the friend with no twitter handle is scared to go deeper into the woods because Tywin might find out. But friend Cersei is like, nah, b (which might stand for bitch in this situation), you need to fear me. And then, like all really smart and privileged people, Cersei start talkin shit to a witch. Now look, we can go with the folly of youth and all that or the hubris of being the only daughter of the most powerful man in all the land, but basically daring a witch to prove to you that she’s not boring sounds like a bad way to start your afternoon.

The witch hits her with the “everybody wants to know their future until they know their future” which could also be the epigraph for everybody running against Hillary in 2016. Then, in what will become a theme of this episode of adults doing inappropriate shit with minors, the witch asks Cersei what the blood will do, before sucking it from Cersei’s fr…