Into The Badlands Recap: Fist Like A Bullet

Season: 1 / Episode: 2 / AMC

And you say Clipp City!!!

First off, first off the muthafuckin top, who making an entrance like The Widow?! Boots lookin’ like they made out of leather and the death of patriarchy. But nothing should surprise you when we up in a club where the main attraction is a woman using a powersaw to cut through her chassis. Full disclaimer: its been a long time since your boy frequented a ‘gentleman’s establishment’ but I want to say that if they introduced power tools into the show, I probably would’ve left even sooner than that.

The Widow up in the spot lookin’ for a defector that stole from her. She disarms dude without breaking her stride and looks at his female company like, “Bish, you know nothing good gonna come from you staying here.” Dude tries to unnerve The Widow by calling her by her (no longer a) government name, but she hit him with the “Minerva isn’t here. Minerva went away” Fight Club line. Widow making a plea to him, like he’s an essential piece to taking down Baron Quinn and making the others fall in line. I guess my question for the Widow is, how you so desperate to bring back a dude who can get hit by a hatchet from 20 feet away? Gotdamn, yo. This was your plan? This no dodging, “I don’t know why I came up in this club” muthafucka, is your plan. Damn My Baron, I hate it had to be you.

But lets not feel sorry for The Widow CUZ SHE NIIIIIIIIIICE. Remember that bar scene from Desperado when El Mariachi was taken cats apart with his sawed-off? Well, fuck that scene. Widow don’t need no ballistics, this shit all up close, all personal. We ain’t seen knifework like this since…

[Jessica Jones Spoiler, nevermind, move along]

…at any rate, she put the blade to every dude and his pops up in here.

She puts down the last of these bastards before finding out that Ryder aka wanna be Fredo Corleone so bad aka Baron Quinn’s son put out the hit on her. Because this dude can’t use third party mediators to perform the hit…

…yeah, he’s ready for the throne.

MK running for his freedom when he crosses over into Widow land. Look, I’m not saying MK ain’t bright. I guess what I’m saying is that MK is a fucking idiot. Dude is in this mess because The Widow is paying a ton of money to find him and weaponize him. And yet, this dude smells some freedom and almost literally runs into her embrace. How this dude survive this fuckin’ long? Oh yeah, right. The blood thing.

MK comes upon Waltzing Matilda in the forest, practicing her throwing star game on…some squirrels. Does it take skill to hit a moving squirrel? Absolutely, I’m sure that’s what the point was. I still ain’t forgetting that Matilda out here killing squirrels with throwing stars butterflies on GP. I mean, deranged killers start with small, defenseless animals, fam.

MK gets snuck up on and gets asked where he’s from because he’s entirely too ethnic to be around these Widow streets. Tilda takes to him and saves him from Quinn’s pursuers. Those pursuers are headed up by Ryder and Sunny. Ryder see the property markers, and since he wants war with The Widow, he’s all fuck yo couch Widow, we here now. But Sunny is like, fam…shut the fuck up. They turn back and MK escapes onto the Widow’s estate…

…which might have been a mistake. Widow up in the viewing room getting her dual blade recreation in.

Back on Baron Quinn’s plantation, Sunny giving the recap on how he stopped a large scale war (he thinks) and let MK go off into the Widow’s property without pursuit (because it would’ve exposed him). Quinn, holds up the medallion and asks if Sunny has seen it before to which Sunny says, “Nah, I ain’t seen no sucka shit like that in my life Baron.”

Quinn knows they got a traitor and thinks is too coincidental considering that an unsanctioned attack on the Widow just took place. It should be noted that AYEBODY in this room is a terrible liar, so when Ryder lies and tells his pops he didn’t do that, he lookin’ at him like, “This muthafucka here.”

Tilda runs a bath for MK (cuz he need that shit like a fat kid needs cake love, affection, affirmation and non-judgmental friends). Of course, she doesn’t leave immediately because “Mom told me I can’t let you out of my sight.” Uh-huh. I think she’s just young with some teenage hormones, thinks he’s cute and wants to see his MKs. But whateva. M no shame on the K strips down and gets in the bath tub, just in time to see the Widow standing right there. Now THIS is some Pervy Sage Shit.

Seriously, she start washing him up and I’m like, both MK and myself need a responsible adult at this point. MK tried to tell the Widow that he was a farmer, but she caressing his hand talking about his hands should be stained with tobacco, but they’re virgin white. I mean, lets not hit this too hard on the nose, AMC. She knows he came from the Fort and let’s MK know that she knows that he knows that she knows that he knows. MK tells her, there is nothing special about him…which, without that one scene with the blood, would probably be pretty accurate.

Sunny working on his Tai Chi, or just trying to create some gifs for all the Daniel Wu fans (and aren’t we all?). Quinn roll up on him telling him to accompany him outside the wall. Sunny says he’ll get an escort together, but the Baron says they’ll roll out by themselves…

Sunny noticing that Quinn stay with those headaches and Quinn deflects by telling him how he snapped a dude’s neck when he was ten. I mean, if you’re going to derail a conversation, that’s how you do it. If all those white dudes that bring up “black on black crime” when the conversation was about police violence started telling anecdotes about killing a man with their bare hands…well, at least that would be entertaining.

Widow got some rough lookin’ nomads up in the spot. She’s offering them an opportunity to get lands and property if they help her take down Quinn. They make a deal, that if Tilda can take one of them down, they’ll fall in with her. Now listen, we already knew that Tilda was gonna be about that action Boss. But the fact that the Widow didn’t even flinch when the nomad said if they won, they get to keep Tilda. No hesitation man. What part of the game is that? If you’re scoring at home, Widow has ordered her daughter to be a pervert in watching MK bathe and is now making her a bargaining chip for these nomads’ support.

Of course, that all proves inconsequential.

We gonna talk about the fact that Tilda probably hasn’t had her first kiss yet, but she just twisted this dudes neck like it was a cap on a 2-Liter of Faygo? I say gotdamn man. Shit is so savage in these Badlands streets.

Sunny and the Baron roll up on this older couple out in the sticks. Dude must be Quinn’s personal doctor and takes him back in the room. On the mantle, Sunny staring at a picture of Veil, because, honestly, we’d all be staring a picture of Veil. Hannah states that taking in Veil was the best thing that ever happened for their family…before she was like, Heard you put a baby in her Veil, Sunny what’s good? Sunny is like…

Seriously? Veil is stubborn (or you know, a future mom) and doesn’t want a life without the baby and Sunny. Meanwhile, Quinn getting some bad news. That, you’re brain gonna stop working in 6 months, kind of news. Quinn being all extra nice to these folks considering he just got told he’ll be lucky to see Winter Solstice. Quinn roll up on Sunny like, well damn, this was a good day. Good day. Oh, yeah, if you don’t mind, go kill the grandparents of the child you created that I don’t know about yet.

Sunny like…fam, I know you having headaches, but have you lost your gotdamn mind? Sunny openly defies his Baron so Quinn is like fuck it Jobu, I’ll do it myself

Baron come out 30 seconds later lookin’ DMX’s Flesh of My Flesh album cover. He tells Sunny to never defy him again and that since it was his sword, he just gonna act like Sunny did the deed anyway. He sends Sunny in to torch the place then rides back off to the plantation.

Sunny after realizing this shit done got way too real too fuckin’ fast, goes to speak with one of the old heads at the Fort, Waldo. Waldo out here flippin’ pigeons and shit, but Sunny want to get some shit off his chest. Waldo gives him the Freedom and Cages speech. He’s like, Quinn is the MOST jealous ex lover, he ain’t gonna let Sunny leave like that.

Widow knows that MK is lying and sends Tilda to go make the boy bleed. She tells him that when he’s cut, he’ll become incredibly dangerous…and that’s it. No fuckin’ exit strategy Widow? What is this fuckin’ Iraq? How you just gonna send your daughter up into the Leaf Village when the Nine Tails is out man? Widow, great Baron so far, terrible fuckin’ mother. Baron makes Tilda and MK square off and Tilda decides to not put the steel to your boy, but cuts herself instead. They make it look like MK got the Joker treatment but it didn’t provoke him, so Mama Widow is like, “Well this is some bullshit.”

Now Sunny delivering the bad news to Veil Da Fictional Bae about her folks. You know, if that big ass fire wasn’t a giveaway. Veil is like, my folks were good people. Who did Quinn send to kill them? And we all like, Yeah, SUNNY, WHO DID THE BARON SEND, HOMIE? DO, TELL.

Sunny tells her that Quinn did it himself, but left out the part where his ass stood outside on the stoop while the deed got done. He drops that, “I am your family now,” before telling her that they are getting out of the Badlands.

Ryder or ole Klangfoot up in the whorehouse getting his lower extremity rubbed, when he sees that she smokin’ that good shit from his father’s plantation. She tells him that the nomads got a whole warehouse full of pops supply and that it must be getting fed to them from the inside.

Back at the Widow’s compound, MK gets Tilda to help him look for a way to escape. Tilda tells MK that Widow’s goal is to make “the boy” aka him, a weapon against the other Barons. When The Widow is coming, Tilda forces herself on MK for a kiss to conceal what they were really doing. Now listen, I know this was to maintain some cover, but I just thought y’all should know that since before the bath, your boy MK hasn’t consented to anything. Boundaries, yo.

Widow tells MK he ain’t got to go home, but he got to get the hell up outta here. Another one of Widow’s daughters comes in to say that Ryder took the bait (OF COURSE Klangfoot was set up for the Wu). The nomad says he’ll take the kid and reveals there’s a wanted poster with this dude’s selfie on it. MK is like, “that’s not me” which he says with the same tone President Clinton said, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”

Ryder and Sunny go to the spot where the opium is supposedly held and follow some nomads into the building, walking past super saiyan tied up in the trunk of the car. Of course this shit is a setup with HALF A HUNDRED HATCHET MUTHAFUCKAS in the building. Ryder, the fucking human AT-AT gets strung up by a chain about 4 seconds after pulling his sword out. Just gotdamn useless, yo. Not that Sunny needs any help.

He out here putting these dudes through every Ninja Gaiden game ever made, including the original NES joint through Ninja Gaiden 3. I’m assuming that Ninja Gaiden 3 exists. That shit looked too terrible that I couldn’t bear to play it and disrespect Ryu Hayubusa like that.

After Sunny cuts down a not really breathing Ryder, MK comes and saves him from being choked out by stabbing the Nomad through the back. Mk tells him that he knows how get out of the Badlands. Sunny makes him a deal that he gonna give him the Naruto, time jump treatment and train him. They all get back to ride back to the Fort and Sunny gets Baron to spare MK’s life by telling him that he will take MK as his COG, the first time he’s ever done it. Baron don’t look like he trust this shit, but what choice does he have? It’s time to saddle. Time for War.

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