Into The Badlands Recap: White Stork Spreads Wings

Season: 1 / Episode: 3 / AMC

And you say Clipp City!!!

We start outside of the Widow’s Estate with her fountain lookin’ like bootleg Bellagio and these dudes all decked in Blue like the cats that were too square to get into the Crips. I ain’t even got in my seat comfortably yet and Baron Quinn done brought the whole gotdamn Clipper Force to the Widow’s front lawn. Quinn got one bar for these cats.

Fan out. // Kill’em all.

So there may not be guns in the Badlands, but they got the crossbows on fleek in this piece. Quinn kicks in the front door waving the Broad Sword. They all up in the Widow’s personal space, doing damage, fam. They in her movie theater, hatin’ on her muthafuckin movie, yo. While most of Widow’s Blue Shirts getting deli, half a pound, thinly sliced treatment, THE REAL FIGHTERS or the Widows daughters or the folks in blue with ovaries are ambushing cats and then vanishing back into smoke on some “we were never here shit.” All they left was some testosterone in red vests dripping down the staircase.

Meanwhile…Can we talk about this bastard MK while he sneaks into the Widow’s estate, in the middle of a war to get a book? Just for a hot second. I won’t be too long. To save you all the prolonged rant that would assuredly happen for the rest of this 2K word recap, let me get this out the way and I can just refer back to this shit in the future. MK is to this show what the shoebomber is to airports, yo. MK, one time wild out and stabbed a dude through the eye because when he bleeds, he turns into a Mortal Kombat downloadable character. But everything else with this dude is a hassle. Much like that one time, a dude tried to get a bomb onto a plane with his shoe. He was caught. MK went HAM on a dude none of us gave a fuck about.

That’s it. And now, everytime someone has it in their mind that they should absolutely nail the fade to MK’s head, they have to treat him with kid gloves and keep letting him do stupid shit because of his ‘potential.’ Much like how we had to take off our shoes for over a decade because of one failed bombing, off the potential. Shoebomber, dude.

Finally we get some white on white crime Baron on Baron action when Quinn finds The Widow. Widow aka Two Swords let’s her girls get to the escape while she confronts Quinn for the following exchange.

[quote_simple]Quinn: Nobody comes after my family.

Widow: We both know your family is trash. You son ain’t just trash he’s LANDFILL. If he dies, I’ll bill you for it. [/quote_simple]

Yo, we’ve seen Sunny in the rain and dealing with that hatchets at the warehouse, but this shit right here. This shit right here my Clippa? This was the best fight of this shit, BY FAR. The Widow out here lookin’ like Beatrice Kiddo in her prime (you know, Kill Bill Part 1). If the Widow don’t get in the next Dead or Alive game, then the video game industry is garbage.

Quinn finally got the better of the Widow and goes in for the kill stroke, but you know, his tumor start acting up. Dude is in paralysis from the pain and The Widow gets up to give him that long kiss goodnight before Sunny comes in and saves Quinn.

Back at Quinn’s estate, whose house still looks like the Cobra symbol from GI Joe…

Lydia sitting over her half dead, fully useless before the injury, son. Jade sitting at the foot of the bed like a concerned future step mother and not at all like a grieving current lover of Ryder. Lydia start giving her the bars about how she is basically Quinn’s midlife crisis since there ain’t no Porsche Wagons to buy in thee Badlands streets. Quinn rides back in and the Clippers got mad bodies to bury. MK shows Sunny the book he stole from the Widow’s house and Sunny is like, see, this is why I can’t take your ass anywhere. Lydia sees Quinn coming up the stares and she starts giving him ALL THE BARS. She hopped in the booth, told the DJ to throw on that King Kunta Instrumental, then looked Quinn dead in his eye and dropped that first line, “I gotta bone to pick!”

She goin in on him about losing The Widow, starting another war and being on that bullshit saying that he did it to avenge Ryder. Of course Quinn ain’t really trying to hear it, so he smiles when he sees Jade sitting up in the room, before he gives her the NC-17 single of the album in the very next room that his wife is grieving over her dying son. That’s some cold ass shit, yo. Basically, Quinn trying to make Ryder’s replacement while dude in a coma next door.

Sunny, yo. Sunny is tired of MK’s shit. He tryin to train MK, but MK [something, something, something shoebomber].

Jade giving Quinn the pillow talk and tells him that she knows who can save Ryder, even if the Baroness won’t like. And at this point, Quinn is like, fuck the Baroness. Well, not literally, because, well, why would Jade be here? But basically, she’ll get over it. Jade shows up in Veil Da Fictional Bae’s workshop. Jade trying to act like ain’t nothin’ changed, she still Jade from the Block. But just like me when J’Lo tried that shit, Veil lookin at her like…

The level of sideye that Veil is giving Jade got Omega Mutant power levels to that shit. Props to site favorite Madeleine Mantock for simultaneously pulling off “I could care less, Little Privilege” and “I could probably take your head off your shoulders right now” in one look. Eventually, Jade convinces (lightweight orders) Veil to come and save Ryder’s life.

Sunny takes MK to see Waldo and Waldo can tell that MK ain’t shit before even turning around to see him. Sunny tells MK that he was Waldo’s colt back in the day and then MK basically starts in on some passive ableism shit since Waldo is in a wheel chair. Sunny makes MK a deal that if he can land an attack on Waldo, while in the chair, then he’ll train him in whatever he wants. Now look fam, if you get challenged to fight a regent aka former slaughter house resident to land one blow on a dude in a wheel chair, maybe, just maybe, the sirens in your dome need to start sounding that defcon-2 shit. But not MK. Not brilliant ass MK. He’s like, aiight, I don’t like wheelchair ramps any damn way. Needless to say, things don’t go that well for MK.

WALDO GIVES MK ALL THE WORK INCLUDING HOLIDAY PAY, TAX FREE UNDER THE TABLE, TIME AND A HALF BANKED VACATION HOURS WORK. ASK YOUR SUPERVISOR TO WORK OVER TO MAKE UP FOR THAT TIME YOU HAD TO TAKE NANNA TO THE ER CUZ HER DIABETES WAS ACTIN’ UP, WORK. THAT YOU MIND IF I WORK ON CHRISTMAS BECAUSE I’M SAVING MY HOURS FOR TAKING THE REST OF 2015 OFF, WORK.

Waldo out here doing this shit for all the Barbara Gordon’s out there in these streets.

Veil walks up in Ryder’s room with Jade and Lydia is basically like, um, did you get lost Cog? Veil says they gotta drill into your boy’s head to relieve the swelling on his brain. So, you know how great your day is going compared to Lydia.

I guarantee you, that no matter how many flat tires you got today or what co-worker threw you under the bus at work, you probably didn’t listen to your husband have sex with a younger version of you next door while you sat by your dying son’s bedside and then followed that up by holding your dying son’s head while someone else drilled into it, causing blood and probably some brain matter to splatter up onto your face. What I’m sayin’ is…life ain’t that bad.

Quinn comes in after the surgery telling Veil that he’ll do anything in his power to find the people that murdered her parents…

Quinn was really about to get on some manifest destiny shit with Veil’s personal space until Ryder does the first useful thing in his life and wakes up, drawing Quinn’s attention.

Eventually Sunny makes his way back to the estate and runs into Veil. But why this shit look like Sunny is telling Veil “I thought I asked you to stay in the car!”

Quinn tells Sunny to go get Angelica, the one that set them up and bring her back alive. Sunny takes MK with him because…ugh…and tells him to stand guard. While MK is standing there…useless, Tilda is on her way to warn Angelica and sees MK standing guard. Their conversation goes like this:

[quote_simple]Tilda: Hey there
MK: (turning around) Hey
Tilda: I need you sign for this delivery of the fade[/quote_simple]

Sunny busts in on Angelica, but Angelica ain’t some random prostitute. She’s a prostitute that knows how to THROW THESE HANDS. She giving Sunny Da Gawd all he can handle before jumping out the gotdamn window then climbing up to the next level in like 5 seconds. I really hope the actress Teressa Liane gets a phone call when they start casting for Jessica Drew aka Spider-Woman.

Angelica rather die then give up The Widow’s location, so she takes a header off the balcony. We should all strive to inspire that kind of loyalty, fam.

Sunny takes MK to Veil’s clinic to get stitched up and I had the same thought the actress did…

Umm. Why we bringing new people in to the safe space, Sunny? ? #IntotheBadlands

— Madeleine Mantock (@madeleinemgm) November 30, 2015

I’M SAYIN. Veil sewin’ Sunny up in the back but MK keep interrupting the beautiful cinematography and affection between two gorgeous people cuz he bored and shit. Man, if you don’t your punkass the fu–….[shoebomber]. Sunny doesn’t want Veil up in the Baron’s house and says he should’ve let Ryder die anyway.

But because Veil is too pure for this world and Ryder is in fact still alive, Lydia standing in his room talking about one time when he was fuckin’ kidnapped for 73 days by nomads. So if you wanted a Ryder origin story, spoiler alert, this muthafucka BEEN a liability. Lydia apparently didn’t even get to the second verse earlier, cuz she back in the booth spitting that hard shit at Ryder now. She give him the realest One Hunned talk when she says he ain’t built for this shit. Which is all true. Fam, people in TV and movies gonna get their fill of telling the crazy, selfish bastards that they ain’t shit and making them feel like they gotta prove themselves. Nothing good gonna come from this.

Quinn summons Sunny and tells him that the other Barons out here asking for your boy’s blood cuz he took control of the Widow’s oil fields. Quinn needs to make an alliance and decides to send Sunny on a mission to make the connect since he’s got “history” with a certain regent. Of course, the Baron don’t give a fuck about Veil or Sunny or Veil and Sunny, he just trying to stay alive.

While Sunny goes to meet the regent Zephyr, THIS PUNK ASS MK sneak into this room and gets the book so he can take it to Veil. TWO TRESPASSES FAM.

Zephyr waiting in the field for Sunny and you can basically some up her whole tone by…

Zephyr offers up Sunny a solution that everyone is thinking except Sunny, but he can’t see himself clipping his own Baron. Well, yet. Zephyr says she’s set up the meet with Jackobee, but first tries to shit on Sunny’s relationship like, “she ain’t even that cute, Sunny.” (wrong)

Tilda tells the Widow that she wasn’t able to get to Angelica in time AND that she didn’t retrieve the book that MK been breaking into houses for. Tilda really needs to get out of there and become her own mercenary. This working for mom shit ain’t cuttin’ it.

Veil just trying to enjoy a nice solo dinner before [shoebomber] comes up in the spot. He gives Veil the book, but the language is unfamiliar to her.

Before she can dive deep into it, Quinn walk up in the spot and Veil gotta be thinking that she tired of strange dudes walking up in the spot. Quinn is showing his “gratitude” for saving his son and shit looks like its about to get mad non-consensual up in here before Quinn reveals that he wants Veil to treat him. So great, now Veil saving two of the worst dudes in these Badland streets.

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