It’s Time We Stop Pretending That Simba Wasn’t Garbage In The Lion King

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Say what you will about Disney movies (and there’s plenty), but you can’t be out here in these streets acting like Disney ain’t got hits. They’ve been servicing the young, the old, the old with youngins and everyone in between for over 75 years fam. But the banger? The one that make you call up the fine GNO/Gal/Guy/Lion on a Friday night and ask if you trying to Disney and Chill is The Lion King. Ain’t even close folks. Not even. Lion King is exactly that, King of the gotdamn Pride Rock and to this day, it still tops my chart.

But even as we come to give praise to one of the best that ever done it, we have to set some baselines first. One: Rafiki was reincarnated as a brotha in Atlanta named Darius. Two: Can you feel the love tonight is one verse and a couple of lyrical choices away from being borderline risque for a G rated film. And Three: Simba, the beloved protagonist of the film, is straight up landfill. Trash. Rubbage. GOP 2016. Whatever you want to call it man. Every time I see a clip of Simba whipping his premature mane back and forth, I want to yell at the TV, “but YOU AIN’T THAT NICE, B [vigorous hand clap] YOU AIN’T THAT NICE.”

I know, Simba is an American Icon. Like a Kardashian. Or the Confederate Flag. But I ain’t convinced man. Simba made some calls that just don’t sit right on my spirit. I recently watched The Lion King with my daughter, thinking that I was about to enjoy one of the best movies of all time while watching my daughter enjoy the majesty of this film for the first time. Man, listen. As soon as Rafiki lifted your dude up to the heavens and the whole hood bowed, it all came rushing back to me, like wait…they bowing down for who now? Elephants lowering their tusks for the softest cub in the Pride Lands?

But lets be fair, I guess, it’s pretty hard to follow Mufasa. It’s basically like when Bad Boy tried to replace Biggie with Shyne and then Puff did some shady shit and Shyne caught ten years in prison for it. I mean, he did have one hit at least. Simba’s “I just Can’t Wait To be King” should’ve been, “I just can’t wait to book this passport out the Pride Lands when Scar aka Marlo moves in on my corners.” But we should’ve known man. We should’ve known when this dude hopped his ass on the back of an ostrich, smiling like Drake in a gentlemen’s club while singing in C Major. You can’t be king like that fam. King Robert Baratheon would never been caught doing some dumb shit like that, yo.

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And Mufasa one of the realest to ever do it, I get that. Mufasa was like every Black parent that had gained the respect of his neighborhood and workplace but still couldn’t keep his son out of doing some dumb shit. Man, that scene when they walking back from the elephant graveyard with Mufasa way in front and Simba and Nala way in back, reminded your boy of many a ride home when I was sitting in the back of the Dodge silent af watching steaming rising off my pops head. But even Mufasa was gentle when he proved the point and wrestled away that anger with his cub. Then Mufasa was like, “Simba, I want you to look into the sky. Those are all the former kings. Whenever you feeling cocky, just remember these cats was the real deal and therefore, exposing how garbage you really are.”

For real man, Simba was the son of the king. This dude ain’t have no chores, stayed getting into shit, and never taking responsibilities for his actions. Basically Simba is the lion version of privilege and affluenza. I know Scar set that shit up to murk Mufasa, but Simba was the catalyst, man. Scar was like the dude in Carlito’s Way offering Guajiro a Coke in the cooler like, “Nah man, its just in the bottom, you just have to reach down for it.” Sheeeeyet. Simba straight up fell for the Wu, the 36 Chambers, and the Gambinos.

Y’all gonna have to give me a moment, I don’t think I’ve ever written about the death of Mufasa. I know it messes with the whole story, but Mufasa ain’t have to go out like that man. You can’t be killin’ heroes and grand patriarchs like that on screen, fam. Nah, Optimus Prime did that, so hopefully, you won’t have to go through that. The hood might never forgive Disney for putting Mufasa out on the street, dead as all hell in the valley like that. Also, when’s the last time Disney just made you watch a dead body for like 5 minutes. I’m like, gotdamn, get my man Mufasa a white sheet or some shit.

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Yes, still salty about Simba bouncing like that. I get that dude fled the hyenas because they were about to have a lion two piece and a biscuit. But when Simba came to see his pop’s not breathing, he gotta own that shit. Dude fled the Pride Lands like he had warrants. Involuntarily manslaughter to be clear. You know how Malia Obama is taking a gap year? Simba basically took a gap adolescence and left the hood in tatters. Simba wasn’t concerned what was going down with Nala? With his mom? He left ma dukes behind like Princess Leia chained up in the Cantina with Scar the Hutt. She had to be thinking about her son leaving her behind like, “But fuck me though, right?”

Scar basically brought crack to the hood in his absence, but Simba out here singing no worries with two stoners backpacking across Europe. He hit grown up Nala with “Hakuna Matata” and Nala hit him with, “If you don’t get that punk ass free love bullshit the fuck up out my face, lion. Lion’s in the hood dying and you out here quoting a gotdamn meerkat? The fuck happened to you?” Dude needed guidance from his dead father just to get off his ass, fam. Mufasa was like, “remember who you are.” And I’m like, yeah, Simba bout to remember he a punk ass that dipped out on his fam over some survivor’s guilt shit.

Here’s a list of the best Disney Heroes:

1. Mulan
2. Aladdin
3. Beast
4. Quaismoto
24. The Mice in Cinderella
48. Lilo
136. Mulan’s Daddy’s sword.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
378. Simba

I’m sure y’all want to give credit for Simba coming back and claiming the kingdom, but he could’ve overpowered Scar’s weakass a long time ago, plus the Pride Lands was looking like Walter White’s old home after folks found out he was Heisenberg since he been gone. I’m not saying Simba can’t live man, he just shouldn’t be out here enjoying all this birthright and privilege at the expense of the realest Lion in these streets getting 86’d in the middle of the plains like that. Just remember that the next time Circle of Life start knockin’ on your TV, you ain’t got to take that knee for Simba’s coronation man. He ain’t earned it fam.

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  • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

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  • John Murray

    Get ’em!

    • Mushenkye Becos

      how do i comment on this dude got simba fucked up

  • Lydia Mesekale

    To be fair, Scar convinced Simba that Mufasa’s death was his fault, and told him that everybody would be out to get him if he didn’t leave. He was little and dumb, and so he was like…”okay, guess I’ll be going then”

    • Lia

      And then his two new friends were social outcasts who didn’t know a thing about his background or where he came from. So no one let him know “yeah, not your fault”.

  • Ian Coyer

    I need more of this in my life!

  • Nina Mendez

    On God I hate Simbas ass now

  • Vladimir Holly

    This is beautiful lmfaooo

  • Jaber

    Simba was a kid at the time of mufasa’s death
    This article is unfair

  • Lia

    Thank you! I’ve been reading some dark shit today, this made me laugh when I needed it. Thank you 🙂

  • Dia Tucker Writes

    I’m in tears right now ?

  • Evil Ninja (@EvilNinjaX24)

    I’ve only seen it once (I ain’t about that life), but damn, *I* hate Simba now. You just blew up his whole life and 75% of the movie. O’ punk-ass Kimba wannabe.

  • Umi Ebon

    Yeah, Lion King will forever and awlays be my all-time favorite animate feature, but I figured out a while ago that Simba was a spoiled little know-it-all (description courtesy of Honest Trailers) who didn’t become truly likable until the last 20 minutes of the movie when he owned up to his responsibilities and went the fuck home to kick his uncle out of his spot.

  • Hozay Crawzlee

    God shit sir!

  • malingose

    Lion King will forever be my fav Disney ‘scope’. Simba isn’t the best character in it, but he was young cub and he DID trust Scar (that whole playing with uncle scene early on), so he had reason to believe Scar was right when he told him to run. Not his fault.

  • Jessie

    Never has a truer thing been written.

  • Nneka S. Anekwe

    Beautifully written and hilarious. Matter of fact, Nala had to give him some cookies first then hit him with the “man the fuck up” wham. Nala a straight up G.

  • Niahri

    I died, came back, and died again after reading this.

  • Nick Drapeau

    Hilarious cultural references. You should do a take on the Jungle Book. A great story but OMFG is the Disney version edited down a lot, same with Hunchback of Notre Dame

  • Genevieve

    I love this but I think Beast should also be a lot farther down the line. He was prepared to kill himself because he thought his girl dumped him.

  • Aria

    I ain’t never laughed so hard at the reality of this movie!! I love lion king but I have always said Simba needed his ass kicked and should of had to prove he was right to take his dad title!!

  • King Simba IV

    You got Simba FUCKED up dog

  • Lisa Liu

    Yes. Simba’s not that great. He’s a coward. He’s every person who had a horrible experience and tries to disassociate until something/someone brings them back to reality to make them realize that they are bigger than their fears. Everyone expected him to accomplish great things, and it overwhelmed him. He was a kid. His flaw is that he didn’t want to grow up because he didn’t know what to do. What makes Lion King a great movie isn’t because Simba is a hero but because he’s just another “person” who because of social hierarchy was born into a role that had expectations that he wasn’t prepared for. The whole movie is “Welcome to real life. Accept it. Embrace it. It will get you one way or another.”

  • Tee

    This was one of the best things ever written.

  • Gen Gal

    Soooo we’re gonna pretend Simba wasn’t a kid?! Oh okay. ?

  • R tune

    Bruh. It’s a cartoon though. But THAT was hella funny and great writing. Straight comedy!!

  • Ursula

    Gif of him being thrown over cliff.

    *Dead*

  • DX

    I think half of us who have moved from the hood, can relate to Simba, we like, why the hood jacked up, because YOU ain’t there to make it better!

  • Noah Alexander

    ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME!?!?! SIMBA IS THE FUCKING BOMB< WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. Thank you for your time.

  • Destinee Love

    No No No! No way do I appreciate the disrespect to my Lion, Simba! You still gatta take a knee to bow in honor of his position, even though he had to mature into it. Sure he was naive in trusting Scar and made the mistake of leaving home, but man, he was a cub then. Please respect that that grown cat came home and came into his own!!!

  • Alan

    Mufasa was a punk bitch who lacked the courage to kill his brother. Didn’t you find it odd that Scar was the ONLY OTHER MALE? Mufasa killed all of the other males – who were also his brothers. But he wussed out on Scar, because Scar was the runt. He failed to obey the law of the jungle, and as a result he was killed and supplanted.

    Everything that happened in Lion King is Mufasa’s fault.

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