Book Three: Change / Part XIII
I come to you unburdened. Untethered. I have forgone all my earthly possessions besides Microsoft Word and a reliable cable modem to deliver this recap to you. The Void done been entered. And the Void is endless. In other words, this recap is long as fuck. It’s the last one for the year and we going out strong in this one. Plus, we talkin about my girl Korra. My homie.
We pick up immediately after Zaheer started seeing the Zeros and Ones and shit in the Matrix and flew Korra back to the Red Lotus lair. They got my girl Korra strung up in the platinum shackles like some privileged beyond Thunderdome type of shit. They’re preparing the poison for Korra so that she will be forced into the Avatar state, so that when they murk her, the Avatar line will be done…
…wait WHAT? And I mean ‘What’ as in ‘WHAT THE FUCK!’ Was I just naïve this whole time? I thought they were just gonna make Korra do stuff, like try to wipe out all the world leaders or take care of all their unpaid parking tickets or something, did I miss the part where they always planned to “destroy” her (gotta love how Nickelodeon been killing people the last few weeks and finding creative ways to say it). So yeah, to quote my man Slim Charles…
Peeping the whole plan is Jinora TheRealMVP astroplaning on these fools. That might be an advanced airbender technique, but the shit still look like she about to say “Help Me Obi Wan Kanobi, you’re my only hope” at any given time.
Her and the Air-Wu-Bender Clan are chained up deep in the cave. Kya and Bumi lookin like the Hangover Part IV or that they were forced to watch the Hangover Part III. Shit is dire, fam.
Ikki to Jinora: Korra is gonna come and save us right?
Jinora: Korra ain’t about to save a gotdamn thing.
They start putting that poison on our girl trying to get her to flip Avatar, but Korra is frontline. She done them tours, b. Korra out here bending the willpower like she used to spar with Kilowag. These Red Lotus muthafuckas in over their heads and they don’t even know it yet.
Kai, leads the rest of Team Avatar and Team Metal City “Where we Catch Bodies” to the Red Lotus hideout. Poor Tenzin man, your boy can’t even stand up on his own. He gotta post up against the Bison while the rest of the crew saves his family. I’d say somebody should be healing him, but all the water benders in the detention camp right now. That’s pretty fucked ed up for him. Kai didn’t see any urgent care spots while he was doing this tour of the mountains?
Meanwhile the poison is all up in Korra’s personal Avatar space and she is GOING THROUGH IT. She start hallucinating and seeing all the cats she gave that employee orientation form to before. THAT WORK, less we forget. Guess what, y’all muthafuckas messed up your paperwork and now you owe on them taxes. Korra is not about you dodging your audit, people. She gonna collect on all y’all bastards. It’s about to be the MOST hostile work environment.
Jinora puts the plan in motion to free the clan and it basically becomes the greatest hits from a roadtrip with your kids. Ikki wants some water. Meelo doing the famous I gotta pee dance that has been modified for captivity. This Red Lotus bastard trying to point towards Bumi and Kya as a cautionary tale, like he had ANYTHING TO DO WITH THAT. Bruh, you were at the crib eating Sushi rolls and listening to the probending semis on the radio when that went down. This dude probably caught the bus late to his shift when he got called in because they had prisoners. GTFOH. Don’t you ever disrespect the elder gawds like that. Of course, his comeuppance doesn’t take long. They do some nice airbending trickery to get the keys, but since Opal Da Ain’t Quite Ready for Fictional Bae primetime can’t even hide that she is unlocking her cuffs, they almost get caught. Until Lin You Know Who My Mom is Right Beifong come through with that sledgehammer action.
The other guard tries to hold them off with some earthbending that Korra probably did just to get out the womb, but Asami comes through with that “Black Widow slash Huey Freeman powerfist slash I could’ve scored more points than Mako against Raleigh in Pacific Rim” work.
We get about 3 seconds of Suyin reuniting with Opal before Bolin comes and gives the Heisman to his probably future mother-in-law. Bolin stayed winning in these last couple of episodes. Your boy not only learned he’s one of the unique benders in the world, he also became the only person to put Suyin down since she got introduced to us.
Tonraq, who I just realized got above average combat skills, but God’s vocal density, says he’s going to find Korra, but Mako and Bolin been putting in that gym time and they’re ready for the rematch.
Korra been putting up the good fight to stay out of the Avatar state, but you know what, sometimes you gotta give these greedy muthafuckas exactly what they asked for. Sometimes you gotta give the people what they want. Korra goes ethereal and then SHIT GOT MAD REAL.
Red Lotus trying to hit her with that sleepy time tea but Korra don’t even drink tea, fam. Matter of fact, y’all ain’t got nothin strong enough behind the bar for the homie. She blockin everything that comes into the paint. Korra Da Gawd. Korra Da Rim Protector. Get that weak shit outta here. She breaks one arm loose and hits Ming-Hua with the wrecking ball. She tells Ghazan and his mini volcano to go fuck himself. How dare you come at the Gawd with this embryonic bullshit. She breaks free from all the chains and faces Zaheer before raising Stonehenge around herself.
Here’s where I’m gonna take a short break and say something that will either have you nodding your head or clicking to a new website, but I feel obligated to tell you…
I’m sorry b, it had to be said. And Aang was great. I stress that, Aang was great. But he was a symbol, my people. He was drumroll please, an avatar, more of an idealistic notion, a take the conflicts as they come, only fight when I have to type of cat. And none of that is a “fault” for that character, it was perfect for the story they were telling. But this Avatar bruh, this woman right here? This is how I like my 4 Element stunna. Brash, aggressive, confident, cocky and completely FED UP when people tried to end her. That Rage made it real fam.
I wouldn’t have said this a season ago, but Korra, for me, she came and snatched that number one spot. Not to mention that because she no longer has the former avatar spirits to power her in the avatar state, the fact that she can swing a boulder with one arm, THAT’S ALL HER. The fact that she can cut the top off of a mountain and throw it at Zaheer, THAT’S ALL HER. I done told you about not recognizing the queen.
I’m not saying Zaheer a punk because he isn’t. I’m just saying that when Korra went Super Saiyan, your boy got out of there quicker than Nelly when folks started asking him about Ferguson.
Yeah, we know Zaheer can fly, but credit to Omar Holmon, did you know that Korra had that Stark Tech propulsion? She looked like a cross between Iron Man and She-Hulk. She chasing Zaheer and hurling mountain peaks at him. WHO REALLY FUCKIN WITH A PISSED OFF KORRA IN THE AVATAR STATE?!?! Zaheer ain’t really winning, he’s surviving while the poison in Korra gets down to the bone like Tussin.
The Tenzin clan reunites and he wants to go around and dap everyone up if he didn’t have about 3 fractured ribs, a collapsed lung and a level two concussion. Plus he has a migraine from trying to figure out how the fuck Zaheer can fly. But Jinora also realized that there hasn’t been this many airbenders in one spot since like, Wednesday. But before that, there hasn’t been this many airbenders in hundreds of years. So of course, Jinora TheRealMVP has a plan.
Still inside the cave it’s round 2 in the Probending Apocalypse bracket. Mako throwin them thangs at Ming-Hua just isn’t impressed with them tentacles. Bolin aka Hot Nickels squares off with Ghazan again, but lets him know he giving all of Ghazan’s lava that return to sender work.
Korra still putting the paws, boulders, ice and Johnny Blaze (Jesus, how many nicknames did Method Man have regarding fire?) on Zaheer, and finally catches him with that ice-led-foot, but before she can give him that MK finisher, that poison snatches her up and she runs out of gas. On the ground, TheRealMVP gets all the airbenders together to throw a tornado party.
Back in the cave, Mako is TIRED OF MING-HUA’S SHIT. He takes them water arms down to the white meat and she got no choice but to dive deeper into the cave to the same spot that Gandalf fought the Balrog at. Unfortunately for Mako, the cave goes right into a pool of water where Ming-Hua can hit the stunt button on Kracken Mode. But then, Mako remembers for the first time since Book Two that he can bend lightning. Ming-Hua got about 8 water tentacles standing in a small lake…you do the math. Mako hit her with that Tesla one time and knocked everybody’s power out for a week.
Bolin still dealing with this Lava on Lava violence when Mako comes in and starts touching up Ghazan like a good big brother should. Ghazan ain’t going back to prison though man. Fuck that open water and view and sea sickness, he rather bring this whole spot down. Bolin bends the express elevator and gets them up and out before the spot caves in.
Topside, Korra is almost checked out from the poison and Zaheer orders up the Earth Queen special for her, but Jinora got all the airbenders on that spin cycle and the start pulling them both off the cliff. Zaheer sees that all the plans are shot and tries to fly away, but Korra hits him with that Scorpion treatment and gives Zaheer back to the Earth from whence he came.
Before Korra says that long goodnight, Suyin bends that metallic poison out of her system and Korra breathes again like Toni Braxton when she was still relevant and more popular than her ratchet sisters.
Zaheer finally loses his composure, but Bolin, the pun king, shuts him up.
Korra up in her room while Asami Da Fictional Bae is doing her hair. She treating Korra with kid gloves like she’s Harvey Dent when the surgeons first took the bandages off. And it’s bad fam. Korra up in the wheel chair staring out the window. This shit looks like her first month up in Bellvue. She lookin like she only gets to eat jello and isn’t allowed any sharp objects in her room. Korra, my Avatar, I hate it had to be you.
We here for the master airbender ceremony which, has only happened once in like the last 150+ years. Everybody in their Sunday best when Jinora unveils them blue arrows. Bruh, Jinora looks like she walked up into a joint barbershop /tattoo parlor and held up a DVD box set of the Last Airbender and said, Yo, give me THAT shit.
It’s an emotional ceremony and Korra lets them thug tears flow. Shit might never be the same fam. It might NEVER be the same.
Naw, don’t worry about me, I’m good man, I’m good. Air conditioning dripping foul up in here. Been looking at my computer screen too long, eyes just watery that’s all.
Give me my gotdamn Book Four!!!
I know that I’m late–but I just needed to tell you that this is one of the best reviews I’ve every read IN. MY. LIFE. I cried real tears, fam. I laughed so hard that I had to walk away at one point. #yaaasss (Ok, I’m done now).