March Multimedia Multiverse Madness, Match 1: Eternal Sailor Moon v. Misty Knight

Entering the ring: Eternal Sailor Moon

Eternal Sailor Moon

Brittany: I’m sorry, I know y’all love Misty Knight (I do too) but there’s no way on any of the inner or outer planets that she’s beating Eternal Sailor Moon. We talking first day on the job but I destroy a monster with no training Sailor Moon? We talking my mans from two lifetimes was acting a whole ass so I sliced him in half with my family blade Sailor Moon? We talking resurrected the whole world, all my friends, AND myself before I got out of middle school Sailor Moon? Nah, that’s not how this goes down. I’m sorry YOU never saw Tsukino Usagi throw a punch, she’s more of a karate kick—excuse me, Sailor Moon Kick—to the face kinda girl.

Oh, and in case you still had doubts, this isn’t anime, I-can-forgive-my-enemies Sailor Moon. This is manga, fuck-you-your-set-and-your-label Sailor Moon. Manga Sailor Moon wasn’t singing that forgiveness song. You get on her bad side, and you are moon dust. Just ask Tuxedo Mask, Metallia, Koan, Bertie, Petz, Calavares, Aquatici, Veneti, Demande, Wiseman, Eudial, Cyprine, Ptilol, Kaorinite, Germatoid, Pharoah 90, Mistress 9, Fisheye, Sailor Lead Crow, Sailor Phi, Sailor Chi, Chaos and countless youma, daimons, and whatever. Never mind, you can’t ask them because they’re all dead. Oops.

I can understand underestimating a cute Japanese school girl in a sailor uniform. Lots of folks have. But guess whose face was the last thing they saw?

Facing Misty Knight of Heroes for Hire

Misty Knight

Omar: We got Harlem’s own Misty Knight against Sailor Moon? Eternal Sailor Moon? No disrespect but disrespect, I ain’t ever seen Sailor Moon throw a punch in my life, my guy. Misty Knight battle tested. Misty Knight lost an arm in the line of duty and got that vibranium alloy cybernetic arm replacement. Man, I’m not even listing Misty’s cybernetic arm’s abilities since she wouldn’t even need to use it for this fight. Know why, because Misty Knight can scrap, boy-o. She was taught by Iron Fist and Shang-Chi, two of the top tier greatest martial artists in the Marvel Universe.

There’s no way, Misty Knight is goin take an “L” from Eternal Sailor Moon, Finite Sailor Moon, Crescent Sailor Moon or Daylight Savings Time Sailor Moon, especially when all her attacks take a full minute to get off after the marching band stance. Soon as Sailor Moon takes out her marching band baton to get her special meter off, Misty is already in her face rockin’ her. If this was a battle of vogue poses and Zoolander Blue Steel stares then maybe Misty would be sweatin’. But we talkin hand to hand, we talkin hand to hand, we talking UFC, we talkin’ stole on my fanboy/girl and Sailor Moon ain’t equipped for that like Misty. I ain’t even using the whole 300-word limit for this yo, Misty ain’t worried about any Sailor Moon. She too busy fighting shrinkage.

Check all of our matches in this year’s March Multimedia Multiverse Madness, and vote in our Twitter polls, following the hashtag #MarchMultimediaMultiverseMadness.

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