Passport To Wakanda: How To Get Your Black Ass Ready For An Audience With The King

Look Wakandans, you only get one opportunity to see Black Panther for the first time. And because Black Panther So Lit, the Black Nerd Problems staff is not playing around for the premiere.

First, I did a ‘23 and Me’ to find the exact African nation my folks came from. Then I copped a one-way plane ticket there and slept under a Shea fruit tree. Waited for the fruit to ripen, extracted the nut (phrasing), roasted and crushed the kernels. Added water, boiled then emulsified the paste. Lathered up in 100% pure organic shea butter from the roots of my locs to the sole of my Adidas Son Gohans. Got the baby Simba/T’Challa tattoo on my D’Angelo ab section (I know that you know where I’m talking ’bout). Wrapped my black ass in cellophane to preserve peak Blackness. Got a ticket back to NYC for the premiere with only the freshest cocoa sheen on my skin and the dopest Black Panther tee for my soul. You might see me in the line outside in ten degree weather talmbout, *Chadwick T’Challa voice* “I never freeze.” – Frantz

As soon as 12:00am 2018 hit, it’s been Wakandan Black Panther season. Now it’s Black Panther Daps with the X arms across my chest always. Copped a vitellaria tree, took my pre-existing aloe plant and cross pollinated them bad boys in a Masai Shield Flowerpot. Now I’m glistening. Started growing my hair and found some pink lotion from ’93 cuz I got the baby curls on spin cycle. Deaded the gym. It’s straight cat-like Parkour through Central Park in a BP costume I got on…