Welcome to the Wakanda Barbershop! Here we get to see your favorite Black Marvel characters, as well as other characters of color, be self aware and talk about what’s going on in our timeline of reality and their fictional 616 Marvel universe. What better place to hang and vent than the best barbershop on Earth, located in Wakanda? It’s so popular that characters from other comics publishers are allowed to stop in. Even characters that have been in limbo for years can be spotted in the Wakanda Barbershop, “Where That Atmosphere Be So Black.”
Bishop is waiting for a chair, sitting next to Luke Cage, who is waiting to get his beard trimmed. Bishop has been riffing on the return of NBC’s Heroes reboot. Bishop is watching the Heroes: Reborn trailer, then suddenly blurts out–
Bishop: ARE YOU FUCKING ME?!
Luke Cage: What Stark do now?
Bishop: Nah, it’s nothing Tony Stark related.
Luke Cage: Steve Rogers?
Bishop: No. It’s, not–
Luke Cage: You’re sure it ain’t Tony?
Bishop: Nah man, you remember that show Heroes?
Luke Cage: That was NBC’s X-Men Rip off? Yeah?
Bishop: Low key, that shit was my guilty pleasure. So I’m watching this trailer for the reboot Heroes: Reborn. I’m fucking with it, right? I got powers, they got powers, it’s speaking to me, right? Then a minute and 48 seconds into the trailer this White kid turns to the camera talkin’ ’bout, “In other countries they shoot people like me in the street.”
Luke Cage: …ummmmm?
Bishop: EXACTLY, MY DUDE! I CAN NOOOOT! I was going to fuck with this show until that, dude. I can’t Harlem Shake to this shit.
Luke Cage: That’s an odd dance to choose to be in solidarity with something, but okay.
Bishop: I’m serious, man. Don’t even get me started on the original X-Men run. Mutants are supposed to be a metaphor for the Civil Rights movement that was goin’ on but only way their audience could relate was to make the entire first class White. Storm ain’t get to give Black mutants the green light till how many years later? Sheeeeeeeeit, don’t get me started talkin’ my shit cause this the type of talk that makes the editors put your ass in limbo. Cats’ll be like, “I’m not saying I disagree, I’m just saying you gon’ be pressed to get some agreement out loud.”
Luke Cage: Bruh, they had me rockin a tiara and saying “Sweet Christmas” as a catchphrase for how many years? Oh you best believe they gon’ get an earful of all the Black issues I’m tryna talk about on these panels. Talkin’ ’bout some limbo? Pssh, fuck limbo. Besides, you Hollywood now anyway, so what’s the problem?
Bishop: Oh don’t you even go there, Luke. I had what, one line in that X-Men: Days of Future Past movie? I think it was “arghhhhh” as I was getting stabbed. I’m not the one with the Netflix deal.
Luke Cage: Comin’ sooner than a mutha fucka!
Bishop: As I was saying, of course I wanna address mad shit. You think them hip-hop variants with no Black writers was some shit? Bruh, do you know Psylocke’s back story? She is literally a White woman’s mind in the body of a Japanese woman. I found out and nearly lost my shit, like hold up… for real? We just gon’ let this rock for how many years now?
Luke Cage: Yeaaah that’s — ehhh — that’s some… wooo, Lawd.
Bishop: That’s some “Miley, what’s good?” shit, my dude. Oh-oh-oh, but I bring that shit up after a Danger Room session and I’m the bad guy. “Bishop you coulda addressed it a better way. Bishop why you always gotta make it about race, we’re all mutants here.” If they don’t get the fuck outta my blast radius with that shit.
Luke Cage: Ughhh.
Bishop: Fam, I ain’t telling you no lies.
Luke Cage: Oh, I know.
Bishop: Yet I’m the asshole cause I said, “If that’s the case then lemme have Xavier swap my mind with Angel’s Ryan Gosling-lookin’ ass so I can get this mortgage down payment from the bank.”
Luke Cage: *choking on organically grown herbal farmer’s beer* N-N-Nooo, you said that shit?!
Bishop: Dude this was back when I had the Ice Cube NWA curls. I ain’t give a fuuuck.
*points to the throwback picture on the wall*
Luke Cage: Wooooo-ooo-ooo-ooooo!
“Comin’ straigh outta Age of Apocalypse, a crazy mutant brotha named Bishop!”
Bishop: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ughhh, lemme delete this Heroes: Reborn shit from my search history. Last thing I need is anyone to see is this shit.
Luke Cage: Dude, my kid stay on my phone. It’s all Little Einsteins and Jelly Bellys up in there.
Bishop: *going through the stack of magazines on the counter in front of him* Does nobody else find it a bit overkill that T’challa is on the cover of all these magazines though? Even the cooking ones? He’s straight up wearing a chef hat and apron over his costume.
Luke Cage: See, now asking that out loud is the shit that will actually get you put in limbo, bruh.