Wonder Woman Trailer: Watch the Queen Conquer

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[quote_simple]“I did not come to play with you hoes. I came to slay, bish.” – Big Freedia[/quote_simple]

The San Diego Comic Con gods are fickle gods but generous with their bounty. Just as we’re left reeling from the unexpected shittiness of The Killing Joke, DC finally fires the Wonder Woman trailer. Y’all, I’ve been waiting for this shit…

I swear this trailer is longer than her combined screen time from Batman v Superman, which still has me salty af to say the least. And we finally get to hear her first name, thanks a lot, BvS. We also see the actual red, gold, and blue of the Wonder Woman costume instead of the urine-washed, sepia-toned monstrosity from Batman v Superman (BvS, the eternal fuckup).

From this trailer, I assume Wonder Woman is set to single-handedly win the First World War for the Allies while everybody slides across the ground in slow motion like an extra in You Got Served. We start with Diana on a beach with a wet Steve Trevor (wearing way too many clothes in my opinion) in a drawn out two sentence scene underscored by the ethereal sighs of a mezzo-soprano with mad reverb. There are some jokes flatter than one-sided paper and shots of all the white people (where’s Phillipus, DC? Where’s Phillipus?) before the Inception horns kick in.

Amazons bring swords to a gunfight and still manage to kick ass. Diana somehow sneaks a full fucking broadsword into a ball by hiding it down the back of her dress. And we carry on with the belief that no woman can ever fight without boob-hugging battle armor and wedge heels because y’all are dumb.

The good part starts around the 1:25 mark when Wonder Woman ascends from the trenches and we get a piece by piece glimpse of her iconic costume. Then shit gets real in all its sword-swinging, shield-flinging, lasso-slanging, fade-granting glory. It’s like watching Wonder Woman take on Granny Goodness’ team in Superman/Batman: Apocalypse as she’s busting through these soldiers. And I’m gonna assume she’s the one who flips that humvee because that’s the Wonder Woman I believe in. Gotta shout out the stunt women because they take all the hits and explosions in miniskirts and bustiers. Calitlin Dechelle, Alicia Vela-Bailey, and Christiaan Schodel work hard for that stunt pay on this movie. Slay, ladies.

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Sidebar: The real MVP of this trailer is Wonder Woman snapping a rifle in half like she’s cracking a twig across the arch of her back. All in slow motion. Yaaaaaas, bish! Didn’t they tell you that I was a savage?? That shot alone makes up for the Wonder Woman theme sounding like they remixed the Get Smart intro. Okay, carry on.

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Diana’s BFF, Etta Candy, pops up as Steve Trevor’s secretary in a great nod to comic fans. But knowing what they did to Jimmy Olsen and Mercy Graves in BvS, it probably won’t be as fun as I’m hoping. They take a subtle shot at secretaries (who are constantly underappreciated, just ask Mary J Blige). There’s also a quip about slavery that had me giving them the full side eye because where’s Phillipus?

Gal Gadot continues giving you face, fashions, laid pre and post battle hair. Between this and the new Justice League trailer, homegirl actually has pretty good comedic timing so I hope she gets more lines. Chris Pine…does some stuff and tries to be funny. That’s okay, boo, at least you’re cute. Hopefully, they get you in fewer clothes at some point.

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Finally, the G-est muhfuckah of the DC Trinity gets to kick ass and stunt on you hoes in Imax 3D. Get ready.

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  • Brittany N. Williams is a writer, actress, unimpressed Shakespearean Blerd, keeper of 90s theme songs, future Lord of the Fire Nation, and & New Orleanian by way of Baltimore, DC, Hong Kong, London, and NYC. Catch her laying waste to all challengers in Soul Calibur or slinging literary fire across the interwebs.

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