***Spoilers for the landfill of old tires and teen angst that is the Netflix live action Death Note.***
Last week, Netflix dropped the hottest gentrification since Taylor Swift’s current temporal existence with the live action adaptation of the popular and dare I say legendary manga and anime Death Note. I say adaptation because I’m in a generous fucking mood. Fam, this movie is an adaptation of Death Note the way that someone jumping out of a second-story window is an adaptation of flying. For those not familiar with the source material, Light Yagami is a brilliant and bored high school senior that stumbles upon a mysterious book called a Death Note, where it has the power to kill–
You know what, fuck this man. This terrible movie ain’t worth me explaining the premise. The anime is on Netflix. Thirty-seven episodes of that real rap raw, psychological thriller of cat and mouse type shit. This movie? This shit is basically the whitest 10 things I hate about you and your magical book of dead names. At first I was like, yo, Lakeith Stanfield, you my only hope Obi-Wan, I’m watching this shit for you. And he killed it until they had him absolutely break and run through the streets with the heater out. Yeah…fuckin’, yeah. L had the burner.
So I’m off it. I can’t commit to reviewing this or doing some close read on this shit. Every time I think about it, I see that scene from Chewing Gum when ol girl was like “Stop wasting my tiiiiiiiime.” But before I tip the fuck out and give myself head trauma to forget that I watched this shit, I do have some questions that I don’t even think I want answered. If you, like me, find moments of hating yourself enough to have watched this shit through, then you too might have some of these questions.
- Why the fuck would it be a good idea to compress a 37-episode anime into a two-hour movie?
- Why the fuck does Light not care about bullying when it’s a couple of smallish dudes, but jumps into the fray when “the girl” gets involved?
- Why the fuck would you assume that some girl you don’t know would be ok with you merkin’ people based on the solo observation of her breaking up a fight and then calling the school nurse for your injuries?
- Who the fuck decided to give Light some sympathetic backstory and motivation, only to feature a sex scene combined with them murdering people?
- How the fuck is Light’s dad such a great detective that he singlehandedly put together a case against Kira, but couldn’t put together a compelling case against his wife’s killer?
- How the fuck is Light a supposed genius but couldn’t figure out that his girlfriend killed all those FBI agents?
- When the fuck did we actually see Light being a genius in the first 98% of the movie besides the fact that he does people’s homework?
- How the fuck does L not use his real name, but Watani does, therefore making it super easy to get to L?
- How the fuck does Watani not have some kind of GPS enabled for L to monitor?
- How the fuck does L have Light under surveillance, but doesn’t have his phone bugged?
- When the fuck did the Death Note start controlling inanimte objects like making a note float into the fire?
- When the fuck did the Death Note start controlling the ocean to make itself wash up on shore into the hands of someone whose name was in it?
- Why the fuck did I keep my subscription to Netflix?
- Why the fuck didn’t anyone intervene?
- Why the fuck didn’t anyone take my tweets as cries for help?
- How the fuck y’all let me do this to myself?
Made it 20 minutes into this netflix Deathnote before realizing I could be cutting the grass or doing inventory on my comics or something.
— William Evans (@willevanswrites) August 25, 2017
…I went back…
Seriously, the Netflix Death Note movie is one of the worst things that's ever happened to me.
— William Evans (@willevanswrites) August 26, 2017