An Open Letter To Frieza: Homie, Let It Go & Move On

Dear Frieza, I see that you’re scheduled to come back (again) for the Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection ‘F’ movie. Dude, come on. When I was in high school you was the man homie, but what the fuck happened to you? Actually I can tell you — Goku gave you the Ill Kamehameha wave fade-away jump shot at the buzzer, my dude. I’ll give you the fact that you got some good hits in, killed off Krillin, did your lil’ transformations and shit, and it was cool then. Key word: THEN. It’s 2015 now and the game done changed, dude. When I was a teen I had all the time in the world to wait 3 episodes for your transformations to your “final form”. It’s mad years later and I got a job and bills man, I don’t have time to watch you sit there screaming. I don’t know if you powering up for your final form or passing a kidney stone.

Look, I get it, you wanna come back to the game and prove you still got it. You wanna throw that jersey back on like Jordan and get back on the court. I understand. I’m just saying not only did you take the L, but YOUR WHOLE FAM GOT EQUAL PORTIONS OF THAT L TOO, MAN! Your big brother Cooler came in to avenge his little brother (as a big brother is inclined to do) and Goku gave him that elimination him by knocking his own attack back at him. He literally got roasted by a rebuttal, then came back with the the T-1000 Terminator chrome enhancements (with no candy paint) and got beat again. Then your Daddy King Cold came after resurrecting you with some Pentium processors and pro…