An Open Letter To Frieza: Homie, Let It Go & Move On

Dear Frieza,

I see that you’re scheduled to come back (again) for the Dragon Ball Z: Resurrection ‘F’ movie. Dude, come on. When I was in high school you was the man homie, but what the fuck happened to you? Actually I can tell you — Goku gave you the Ill Kamehameha wave fade-away jump shot at the buzzer, my dude. I’ll give you the fact that you got some good hits in, killed off Krillin, did your lil’ transformations and shit, and it was cool then. Key word: THEN. It’s 2015 now and the game done changed, dude. When I was a teen I had all the time in the world to wait 3 episodes for your transformations to your “final form”. It’s mad years later and I got a job and bills man, I don’t have time to watch you sit there screaming. I don’t know if you powering up for your final form or passing a kidney stone.

Look, I get it, you wanna come back to the game and prove you still got it. You wanna throw that jersey back on like Jordan and get back on the court. I understand. I’m just saying not only did you take the L, but YOUR WHOLE FAM GOT EQUAL PORTIONS OF THAT L TOO, MAN! Your big brother Cooler came in to avenge his little brother (as a big brother is inclined to do) and Goku gave him that elimination him by knocking his own attack back at him. He literally got roasted by a rebuttal, then came back with the the T-1000 Terminator chrome enhancements (with no candy paint) and got beat again. Then your Daddy King Cold came after resurrecting you with some Pentium processors and proceeded to get the Iverson crossover via Future Trunks aka Rookie Saiyan of the Year.

Listen — when the dudes that whooped your ass, then whoops your brother’s ass, as well as your daddy, as well as your own ass again, it’s time to look at your life, man. YOU EVEN GOT BEAT IN THE AFTERLIFE BY GOKU AS WELL AS HIS BOY PIKKON! You’re playing Tetris and the L bars are just fucking piling up on you at this point. My dude, do you know how embarrassing that is? I’d say kill yourself but you were already dead, and that’s a fucking paradox dude.

Listen, you’re getting a second chance and coming back. Instead of training for that Gold Final Form, you really need to just look at your life, man. Realize that maybe you got some issues you gotta work through. Maybe enslaving and colonizing alien races to do your bidding isn’t what’s hot in the streets. Maybe you got your ass whooped cause you were in the wrong and pretty much a dick. Just stop being a dick, dude. It is possible. No one is pushing for you to go back into the fight, man. You can say no. It’s okay.

Soldier: Lord Frieza! We’ve brought you back so you can get your revenge on the Saiyans!

Frieza: Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I think I’m good on that. I’m just at a different place in my life after the 335th L. I started to reflect on some things and I’m really not about that life anymore. I’m going to join a book club and catch up on some of these shows on Netflix.

It could all be that simple, man. You got a new lease on life, my dude. Let the final form go. But I know you don’t hear me though. You probably in the gym as we speak, listening to CT Fletcher motivation clips talkin’ ’bout “YOU MUST GROW” to be ready for this Goku fight. Listen, there only so many times I can see Uncle Ben die in these Spider-Man reboots and only so many times I can see you come back from the dead just to fall somewhere between Tyga-secret-album-drop numbers and no numbers at all. We all gotta have goals… I’m just saying you should switch yours from trying to beat Goku & Company to starting up on some Lego building.