Annual Fictional Baes For The BNP Staff: 2016 Edition

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The Oxford Dictionary [Black Twitter Edition] defines the word Bae as a significant other in which you would eventually inform of how much stronger your bond could be i.e. “This could be us but you playing” or a person so skilled in their field that their ranking of “Bawse” places them on a pedestal of awe and tremendous amounts of admiration. We here at Black Nerd Problems strive to celebrate all shapes and forms of baes across multiple genres. That being said, we present (in no particular order) the people currently killing the game and our hearts with the greatest of ease. Check out last year’s Bae list too.

The Dora Milaje
“My emancipation don’t meet your equation…”

Izetta: Freedom is sexy. Freedom from heteronormative standards while kicking ass and taking names is even sexier. Freedom from heteronormative standards, kicking ass, taking names and defining your Beloved for yourself is hella sexy and that’s why these women are BAE! The Adored Ones or the Dora Milaje have most notably been seen in their role as the personal bodyguards of Black Panther, the king of Wakanda. What I know is this, once you try to define me, to stick me in a box and tell me who I belong to, how to fight ,and what to fight for is the moment that you lost your natural Black mind and CLEARLY these sistahs have felt the same.

Favorite Bar: “…let us act as dead women should.”
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Breaking away from the throne to take back their Wakanda, hand in hand and need I say- lip to lip (Yes, honey!) these women are at the TOP of my list of baes! When Ayo broke Aneka out of prison, I lost it. When they kissed? I about died and went to heaven. When they put on the Midnight Angles suits and began saving their sisters of Wakanda, when Ayo professed love as the reason for setting Aneka free and Aneka gave us the future all mapped out in an illustrated plan- like a map of the future, for bringing peace to Wakanda?? I-I…. I mean, I fell head over heels in love. Plans are hella sexy. Plans for freedom and peace in the hands of strong & beautiful Black women leave me breathless.

Sometimes you have to rise from the ashes, walk in the spirit of the freedom you deserve and save your sisters like no one else possibly could. That’s bae.

Akane Tsunemori
“We be the most incredible soldiers from underground,
See how easy they all fall down.”

Willie: Akane Tsunemori from Psycho pass is the epitome of bae. Or should I say BAE, because by the end of the Psycho Pass movie (and to a lesser extent season 2) she has transformed herself into a BAE because god damn I legit was in love with her in the movie. Ahem, excuse me I got a little carried away. Akane is an Inspector which means that she has to be partnered with an Enforcer to dish out some pure justice to criminals. Long story short for spoiler purposes, Akane learns what the Sibyl System really is and how it actually determines whether someone is a criminal or not. Akane then becomes quite literally the only one who can go against the system and not get corrupted by its ideals and blindly follow it.

Favorite Bar: “It is not society that determines people’s futures.
It is people who determine society’s future.”

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During her journey of becoming the best inspector this side of Snake Way she has multiple moments where any normal person would give up or snap, but she doesn’t. She sticks to her ideals no matter what happens. She initially joins the bureau for the sole reason of finding a place for herself. Akane scored the highest out of over 500 students and because of that she felt that there must have been something for her to do there that no one else could do. She starts as a naive learner but gradually turns into a cool, calm, and collected badass that I would want to carry me in her arms as she does some hero type shit.

I have no shame in wanting that, you should want that too. Akane can rock a short haircut and a bland looking skirt better than anyone. She can be the cutest and most badass person in the room at once. She can outscore you in any exam and take your man. She won’t do that though because she’s a good person (just know that she could). Akane is one of my favorite female anime characters ever so it’s no surprise that she’d be in my bae bucket list.

Monty Green
“Now peep the pattern as we movin’ on up the ladder/
Had a dream of how we beam up, puttin the focus on what matters”

Monica: Played by Christopher Larkin, Monty is an absolute cutie patootie. While The CW sci-fi show The 100 often suffers from under-utilizing and abusing their POC characters, Larkin’s portrayal of Green leaves enough depth for his character to grow into and develop. Monty is smart, kind, funny, and above-all, a good friend.

Favorite Bar: “Following the creepy music is a bad idea.”

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I’m a little sad that we haven’t seen too much of him this season, but hopefully with The 100’s season finale next Thursday, he starts delivering some more bad-assery. Here’s hoping to a long and happy run on The 100 (where hopefully the writers lay off old-ass clichés and stereotypes for future seasons).

Silk aka Cindy Moon
“Sometimes it’s hard to chill, choose to kill kill kill
I’m just that good though I ain’t worth a lot of millions.”

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Chace: Know what I hate? Spiders. Absolute worst, fam. They hit you with the candid camera reveal at the worst times, rendering otherwise grown folk into variations of Deion Sanders celebrating a pick-six, got me outchea Cuba-punching with shoes not mine trying to kill with no swag. Trash. Basura. Know what I love more than I hate spiders though? Women of color. Especially those who embrace their natural wholeheartedly & stunt that godly in a world that glorifies men, most that do it only half as good.

Enter Cindy Moon. The perfect intersection of the two. Lesser known spider-bite victim from the incident that brought us da gawd Spider-man, Cindy may be less strong, but boasts significantly more agility, stronger Spider-sense, & don’t need no weak-sauce web-shooters since she can produce webbing organically. That’s that spider-equivalent of that Bantu knot natural. Yaaaaaassss. And after 13 years in a bunker & hard training from some Old Testament headass named Ezekiel, she emerges to lay unholy hands on sucker MCs, turn Peter Parker all the way out, save his ass time after time, & rock top 5 hardest Spider outfit in the game.

Favorite Bar:“Okay so, rally caps. Personal life? Not strong.
But I did beat up a Hydra-tentacle-monster-robot-thingie. So I got that going for me.
Maybe I am getting the hang of the superhero stuff.”

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On her off-days, I like to imagine Queen Cin spinning herself a silk one-sie, dropping that Lemonade, & ceiling-dancing with Don’t Hurt Yourself on repeat with Parker somewhere playing Drake, re-editing the same damn “wyd lol” text message for a week straight cuz he ooooooopen. Excited that she’s re-emerged on her own terms in the Spider Women arc (even though its got a lot of room to grow right now) & power to Korean-American representation & all levels of beautiful.

Eris Morn
“I speak the truth, but I guess that’s a foreign language to y’all.”

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Whitney: 
Eris Morn is NOT a woman for the weak of heart, and it’s not just because she’s a battle-proven Hunter (a class she shares with my favorite alt) and sleeper baddie (her lips, yo. HER LIPS.). No, Eris is my Main Thang because she is so.damn.INTENSE. She’s not intense for no reason; Bae is a warrior and survivor, having spent years deep in the tunnels of the Hellmouth after her 6-person fireteam was slaughtered by Crota and his goons. While hiding, she studied the Hive extensively before building a ship out of scavenged parts and returning to Earth with oodles of new and much needed information. Upon arrival she was dismissed as “sick” and “corrupted”. Her detractors couldn’t keep that up for long however, as the information she provided helped defeat Crota and his army for good.

Favorite Bar: “It gets better. You get used to the pain.”

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I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention her voice. Her molasses thick and sultry voice. Whether shouting about “fingertips on the surface of [her] mind” or smelling the Hive on my armor, Eris’ voice is the stuff voiceover dreams are made of. Often equal parts fragile and powerful, she manages to be creepy, sexy, and encouraging at the same damn time. When she says, “You honor the name of those who fell.”, I believe her. When she states that I give her hope, I feel accomplished. Proud even. I mean…after all she’s been through, who deserves hope more than she does? I don’t know how many Black Wax Idols it will take, but I’m dedicated to making Bae happy. She’s done enough. More than just about anyone in Destiny Universe, she deserves to take a smoke break.

Quiet
“I was God’s best contemplating death with a Gillette
But no man is ever worth the paradise manifest”

Art by Plank-69
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Art by Plank-69

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Frantz: I was just on my way to handle some business in Afghanistan when she shot me. Right through the heart. From two-hundred and fifty yards out. We battled for forty-five of my favorite minutes in all of gaming history. Then I saw her: six foot one of badass sniper in combat boots… and a bikini…with fishnet stockings?! What the hell game is this? Is this a prank? I felt like my mom was gonna bust in and find me in some awkward, compromising position. I remembered I was 30, found my poise, and kept it pushing.

Favorite Bar: “The only language left to me, revenge. But the words we shared… No, that was no language at all. That is why… I chose the language of gratitude instead, and go back to silence. I am Quiet… I am… The absence of words.”

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Homegirl is straight up the personification of womandom at large. She was captured and tortured, kept it chill AF…Until they tried to take her pants off. She then proceeded to straight merc out a whole unit, with her hands tied. I was taken aback to learn that she couldn’t talk, I thought, “First she’s not the main character, and she has no dialogue?!? Kojima failing on that Bechdal test!” Then I got to know her better, and saw that Quiet is the quintessential ride-or-die homie who speaks rarely but acts frequently. *SPOILER ALERT* Then she spoke… In Navajo! Quiet blew my mind (get your head out of the gutter, smh), and literally made me cry twice. After Quiet became bae, I’ll take humming “Love Deterrent” and the squeal of neon green laser aim over conversation any day.

Kamau Kogo
Since he was with his boys he tried to break fly /
I punched him dead in his eye and said, “Who you calling a bitch?”

Oz: Are you the type of guy that has no problem with your bae being better than you at video games? Because if you’re not, first of all, you should probably do something about those insecurity issues, but also….this is not your part of the post so you can just keep scrolling. For everybody else, we have to talk about Kamau Kogo aka Jailbreak Bae from Kelly Sue Deconnick grindhouse feminist narrative, Bitch Planet. Labeled a “non compliant” in a society where the patriarchy essentially rules the world and sent to a women’s prison on an asteroid, Kam pretends to play along like a good prisoner all while plotting to escape Bitch Planet.

Favorite Bar: “We spend our whole lives being strong
and then one day you realize strong ain’t strong enough.”

There is just nothing that isn’t attractive about a woman who isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty. She’s proficient at “megaton” which is essentially a rugby death match and she regularly beats up armed guards (sometimes while stark naked). Even as a prisoner, Kam is an audacious force of nature that rolls with a hard line “take no shit” stance on her oppressors. How is that not sexy? Imagine going to meet your girl at the downtown and before you even walk, you see dudebros flying out the window, catching hands from your girl because they tried to touch her hair without asking. That’s Kamau Kogo, Da Breakout GAWD. I don’t know about y’all, but I’d pay the bail money to watch that.

Vegeta
“I’m trying to get mine in this life time/The after life is much further in pipeline”

Anissa: Most people who watched Dragonball Z identified with Goku, aka Kakarot. He was the manifestation of good: being nonjudgmental, selfless and all around a good guy. But let’s be real! This kind of person doesn’t exist. Real people have determination, anger, nice at times, and are selfish. Vegeta definitely deserves the Super Saiyan status even if he’s not the most “pure-hearted Saiyan.” You would think that since Vegeta was a prince, he wouldn’t have to work much for anything. But you’re wrong! Vegeta had to experience persistent training while Frieza enslaved his entire race and killed his father. He worked his ass off to please Frieza by all means necessary. Just imagine if your family was killed and your entire race was enslaved by a powerful dictator and then you’re forced to work for that person. Goku’s life looks pretty good by comparison.

Favorite Bar: “The God of Destruction? I’ve heard of him…”

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Okay, so Vegeta was kind of an asshole. You have to understand that he was bullied and tormented all his life. Of course, he’s going to act out. He feels like he has to stand up for himself and his race since he was one of the few left. When you feel like you had to defend your race and others use you as disposable labor, you can’t help but feel like a never-ending joke. Vegeta is filled with pent up anger and its totally understandable. He is the realest character in Dragonball Z. His characteristics are more in line with someone who has gone through what he has. Vegeta represents pain and determination. He never stops trying no matter how many times he fails. He may not be as popular or well-liked as Goku, but he is definitely underestimated and is definitely someone we can all take a lesson from… and he’s cute.

Nadia Greene
“It’s my pain and my struggle
The song that I sing to you is my everything”

Omar: Listen, your bae might be good enough to cheat death but they ain’t G enough to beat death. Yeah, you heard me, I said your bae, fave, honey, zaddy, or boo ain’t about that five minute square up with the Grim Reaper. I’ll tell you who is tho, my girl Nadia Greene from Jamal Campbell’s Immortal Nadia Greene web comic. Nadia been fighting reapers off since she was 5 years old with nothing more than a hot sauce colored Louisville slugger (before Lemonade even dropped) and these hands, son. We got a Black girl out here giving the highlander work to agents of death and getting on the radar of Deities. Nadia is such a bawse ass bae that we see Gods of different realms like Hel, Odin, Arwan, Azrael, Anapa, Zeus, Ausir, Izanami, and Hades coming together talkin’ ’bout, “We need to shut this girl down, sooooo who gon’ throw hands with her? Let’s draw straws.”

Favorite Bar: “They can send all the reapers they want. I’m not giving in, and I refuse to die.”
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Do you hear me, yo? I don’t think you do, because when Gods have to convene about you being the Ali of fighting for your life, I don’t know what can be more Gawd body than that. What I love about Nadia is that she’s got a condition killing her but she is still carefree Black girlin’ it with humor and fly ass big hair all while literally refusing to go into that long goodnight without a fight. She’s cocky, stubborn, and cashing these checks death keeps writing to her ass and winning against the house each time. Nadia Greene is a character that personifies the strength of Black women coupled with not backing down from whatever challenges life throws your way. Life and Death are trying to give Nadia Lemons but Nadia demanding to see their manager because she is not having it.

Claire Temple
“Me I keep it sexy, daddy so I can’t fail
Keep it gangsta for the cowards so I give ’em hell”

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Ja-Quan: Damn this was hard. I could’ve easily gone with a woman with a much bigger name and has a much larger following. Could’ve gone with a woman possesses incredible powers. Hell, I could’ve gone with a woman with fuckin dragons! But I couldn’t stop thinking about how amazing Claire Temple (played by Rosario Dawson) is on DareDevil. She represents everything that I’m about; Selflessness, Compassion, Justice… and is sexy as all Hell’s Kitchen! She’s been the nurse with a heart of indestructible gold.

Favorite Bar: “You told me you were the man this city needs. I think that was only half true. I think you’re the man this city created. For better or worse.”

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From finding Daredevil in the dumpster, stitching up Matt Murdock and nursing him back to full strength to bringing him back from near death on numerous occasions. “I’ll always be there when you really need me to patch you up.” As well as help out Jessica Jones by healing Luke Cage, the man with impenetrable skin, after taking a shotgun blast to the neck at point blank range. Yeah, shorty been through it. And she’s soooo ride or die that you cant help but love her. She helps torture some dude, stands back as Daredevil does Lucifer’s work, gets kidnapped by the Russian Mob, and never ever even thought about snithchin!

Not only does she hold it down every single step of the superhero way, but she don’t take no shit from nobody! Yea, her and Daredevil might have gotten a flirty and romantic, but she has never shied away from keeping it 100 with our masked one-man Fight Club.

Buttercup
“This is the curse of Tutankhamen, I bring the drama on /
I’m sinful, I’ll eat you, broad daylight, on Ramadan”

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Jordan: Who’s my homie of 2016? Who’s riding down the streets of Townsville, the hardest city in the history of cities, down to rumble toe-to-toe, no gloves, punch first and ask questions later? If we’re talking bae in the most obvious admiration, ride-or-die, non-romantic sense then this year I’m riding with the toughest fighter I know, none of than the homie Buttercup of the 90s original and newly rebooted Powerpuff Girls. Monsters, supervillains, her own sisters – Buttercup don’t give a fuck, if you come at the queen you best not miss ‘cause homegirl will throw more hands than you bargained for.

The brashest thing made of sugar, spice, and everything nice, Buttercup seemed to have more Chemical X than anyone else and made her the fighting persona of Arya Stark with superpowers who woke up in a bad mood just wishing a monster would. Buttercup is the type of hero every villain fears because she’s just one moral fiber away from being just as ruthless as they are. One time, Mojo Jojo was outed as the mastermind behind yet another plan to take over the world and he was punched out a window. Vicious, right? Nah, because we’re not done. Because Buttercup.

Favorite bar: “Don’t think we’ll go easy on you just ‘cause you’re crying.”
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In the most hood shit I ever seen, Buttercup ran downstairs – she can fly, but no, she took the fucking stairs – and went Big Papi Ortiz with a street lamp like when you were a kid and tossed the baseball in the air to pitch to yourself. Dude was already beaten but she had to get the extra licks as if to tell somebody that hitting the ground is too good for you. You know how savage that is? When the ground is too for you? Somewhere there’s a hidden verse to “What’s Beef” where Biggie raps about a drama so real.

Magnus Bane
”Watcha drinkin’? Rum or whiskey?/Now won’tcha have a Double with me?”

Carrie: A few years ago I watched The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones which is based on the first book of the Mortal Instruments series by Casssandra Clare. In watching this film I was introduced to Magnus Bane, the several hundred year old High Warlock of Brooklyn. (This was also my introduction to Godrey Gao–thank you whoever casted him. Bless you always.) The fandom is going to come for me with seraph blades when I say I cared about little about anyone else in the film and wanted more backstory on Magnus. Like damn…could he get a few more speaking lines at least?! Fast forward to this year when I heard that there would be television series adaptation of the series and I stopped and I wondered: “Will there be a warlock and will he get more lines than all the people of color spoken altogether in all the Harry Potter films or nah?!

Actor Harry Shum Jr  dons the eyeliner as the immortal downworlder Magnus in this new adaptation and his scenes are sincerely some of the best of the show, period. Magnus is that guy you’d want to go grab a drink with. He’s that guy you’d want to shoot the breeze with. He’s so fun. And well dressed. He goes from being flirty and confident and not quite comedic relief to being vulnerable, severe and most definitely a force to be reckoned with and then the cycle repeats.  I’ve really enjoyed seeing this version of him and hope season two meets the light of day so I can see more of my favorite Warlock.

Favorite Bar:” If Valentine had the Mortal Cup and created Shadowhunters and controlled demons, it would be like Beyonce riding a dinosaur around Times Square. People would notice.”

If you wanted to talk LGBTQIA representation: Magnus is bisexual. He’s lived for so many years and is way comfortable with his sexuality. The romance that book readers have been waiting for years involving Magnus and a certain someone actually blossoms in this adaptation! (Please know that my reaction was totally somewhere near KORRASAMI levels.) The relationship portrayed in the television series is a breath of fresh air especially when you consider the horrifying (and not new) trend of fridging Queer women on TV and the challenge of actually finding characters that aren’t straight who don’t fall into one dimensional caricatures.

Helena
“Begged to be understood anytime I showed the wrath /
But how could I expect third parties to know the half?”

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William: Look, I’m not saying it’s healthy or advisable, but many of us had a crazy partner phase where the more batshit off the reservation they were, the more intrigued we became. If I had met Helena when I was in my late teens, there would be a different man standing before you now. Not only did Helena rehab herself after being the villain after season 1 of Orphan Black, she coined to the term “Sestra” for her clone sisters and does more gutta shit pregnant with twins before 6 am, than most of us will do in a lifetime.

Favorite Bar: “In Siberia, when planning escape, you take weak person with you.
They’re called sandwich because you eat them.”

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Yes, Helena had a rough start, yo. She may or may have not given the long goodnight to 3 clones before we even knew she existed and then one via sniper rifle special delivery early in the series. And yes, she at one point tried to kill her twin Sarah Manning the Legend. But seriously, who on this show hasn’t tried to kill Sarah? That is basically the premise of the show. But since, Helena has murdered a cult leader who was a sadist and tortured her, escaped a prison out in the desert, developed a bad conscious in the form of a talking scorpion, ATE THE MUTHAFUCKIN SCORPION, and went back in to prison to save her twin. Helena is THE protector of the Clone Club, Warden of the Ukraine, fam. You ever see that (terribly dated) movie The Prophecy? You remember this quote:
[quote_simple]Did you ever notice how in the Bible, when ever God needed to punish someone, or make an example, or whenever God needed a killing, he sent an angel? Did you ever wonder what a creature like that must be like? A whole existence spent praising your God, but always with one wing dipped in blood. Would you ever really want to see an angel?[/quote_simple]
Fam, Helena is that angel. Deliver me.

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