Can we just acknowledge all the shit your boy Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes (Bucky if you nasty) had to deal with before Marvel’s Infinity War? Heroes stay having to overcome mad shit and break through their limits, but your boy Bucky done carried mad L’s for his stint in the MCU. Bucky took L’s for shit that wasn’t even adjacent to him. Bucky been dealing in L’s like they’re currency for him, but he’s taken his losses without complaint. Well, not out loud, at least.
Let’s go back and take a look the homie’s journey of your boy overcoming the bullshit. Your man went from a Fenty beauty mascara-rocking assassin to facing a horde of invading aliens in Infinity War. I mean if there was ever a time for Bucky to say, “you know what, this that bullshit”, this is it.
When Bucky got kicked off the Polar Express
The L’s really started right about here. Ya man Buck went from beautiful-faced soldier to Prisoner of War to getting tossed out a train on some Uncle Phil and Jazz shit. Soon as Bucky picked up his mans and dem’s shield, he been trying to deflect L’s. He got to let the niner bang one good time at least before catching the rock’em-sock’em robot out the wall.
You see him slide along the wall as he got blown out, too? Steve lookin’ like “gaw(d) daaaaamn you gon’ let the Tin Man do you dirty like that, Buck?” Dude Bucky’s arms went up like he was on a roller coaster. Shout out to Steve for being a real friend, and trying to save his boy from going out like the Kool-Aid man tripping after breaking through a wall.
This was the first in a long line of hard L’s for Bucky. Even that fall is fucking embarrassing. My man went from slamming Cadillac doors and punching Nazis to singing Tom Petty “And I’m freeeeeeeeee, free fallin'” bars. Hate it had to be him.
“Oh, y’all just goin’ brainwash me into doing mad terrorist shit, Word?”
Maaaaaan, Bucky been stored with a metal arm in the fridge next to froyo for years under Hydra, then thawed out to do mad hits. They legit froze this man on some TV dinner shit. The disrespect! After they thawed his ass out like chicken, Bucky killed so many people, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was connected to Pac and B.I.G.’s deaths at this point and not even know it. He literally just wakes up like, “Welp, guess I’ma assassin/lowkey terrorist now”. Is he even getting compensated for these hits? Did Bucky even get a bank account set up? Never mind the fact when that he runs into his mans Steve and he doesn’t recognize him and gets a fucking UFC Combo.
Homie got his arm broken then, put in the fucking Coquina clutch. That’s a magnificent L. Yeah he shot Steve later then saved his life or whatever, but we’re not letting this L go unnoticed. How you get your good arm snapped, man? Your own boy ’bout to make you a double amputee for the truth, liberty, and justice for
all (some, really).
“I just wanted some plums and I’m feeling really attacked right now”
Bucky legit tried to get his life together, and do his ‘white boy backpacking in Europe’ swag. He went out for some plums and next thing he knows, he’s being blamed for some terrorist shit he ain’t even do (this time) plus has a dude in a catsuit washing him for an entire movie. Fam, this guy legit had King T’Challa of Wakanda singing ‘Ain’t No Mountain High Enough’ as he was running over each hurdle to catch his fade. Some dude trying to bring up old shit with the mission report ‘December 16th, 1991’; then he’s waking up in his right mind with his arm caught in some machine from fucking Pep Boys with Steve and Sam staring at him. All the while Bucky shouting “I ain’t even do nothing (this time)!”
He got washed by a kid without a learner’s permit
This shit. This shit just hurts to watch. You can see Bucky’s heart breaking in slow motion on this shit right here, man. This man done decked the shit outta Captain America and Black Panther with the steel, and a fucking Zach Efron type stops his fade? Bruh, this is like Justin Bieber catching a punch from Mike Tyson.
Bucky done got his back blown out a train, slapped in the face by his captors, brainwashed, mind put on factory reset, arm broken, drop kicked to “fuck outta here” by an African King — but this right here? This the first time we done seen straight hurt on Bucky’s face. That boy feeling this L in his soul and to add insult to an already shit day, Spider-man pretty much busts (his webs) on him. Come on man, that’s gross! Gon’ take some WD-40 to clear out the metal arm. Bucky gotta be picking that web shit out the metal arm crevices and thinking “Ughhh… what am I even doing here, man?”
“Dick move dude, I was using that!”
Maaaaaan, Tony Stark cut through Bucky arm like he was slicing a pound of Boar’s Head meat for a bodega sandwich. The arm ain’t even fall off either. Tony straight up made that shit biodegradable after that blast. Tony had Bucky looking like an action figure your friend borrowed and gave back with a missing arm, my guy. That shit ain’t even make it to lost and found, bruh. How Bucky wasn’t fed the fuck up right then and there I’ll never know. I woulda been cursing my ass off.
“Just put me in rice ’till this mess is sorted out”
Listen, Bucky needed a time out man. Dude just needs to get his factory setting restored by Shuri for a moment. No one man should suffer that many L’s. Let that man catch his breath, yo. You know you’re in a bad position when a technologically advanced African nation that avoided white folks at all costs for thousands of years say, “fuuuuuuck… aight, come here, man. We got you” They stored this man next to some ice cream sandwiches and the cure for cancer for like 10 months.
“Thanos. Mentos. Azarath Metrion Zinthos. It don’t even matter,
I’ll buck on whoever, homie”
Look at ya man’s face, yo. Look how unimpressed Bucky is with all this shit. My man was farming on Wakanda arm dolo, just living off the land with respect as a guest. T’Challa walked up on’em with that toolbox holding a new all-Black-everything arm (gold trim ’cause this shit Black as fuck) and a fucking machine gun like ‘aye, time to pay that rent’. Bucky looked this man dead in the soul and said, “Who I gotta pop the trunk on?” Legend. Fucking Legend.
My man done took mad L after uppercase L and is still with the shits. Bucky facing a fucking intergalactic colonizer coming for Earth’s fade and he’s just lookin’ at Thanos like “I just wanted some plums, man.” Bucky ain’t even using any Wakandan weapons either. Wakanda got shit that’ll make every other tech on earth look like the baking soda volcano but Bucky like “Nah, I’m good with these regular ass bullets.” He legit was too. Bucky was letting that choppa bang out on a whole horde of them lowkey Demogorgon lookin’ aliens. Son even did the Marvel Ultimate Alliance spin move with Rocket.
You mean to tell me our boy did all that worked, bucked all them buckets of bullets, did the spin move with Rocket just to get got in the end? Just to K-22 paper jam into obscurity? My man got the shred machine treatment after all that? What part of the game is this? You can’t introduce this man to this level of an L when he just discovered all the uses for coconut oil. That is in no way okay. Come on now.
I’ma need Bucky to get some time to vent, ’cause he ain’t get de-frosted or de-brain-freezed for this bullshit. Real shit: my man just did a 50 to 60-year bid as a POW and finally gets a vacation, just to get the dry erase board treatment? Nah man, naaaah. Not like dis yo. Not like dis! Let that man Bucky Barnes live. No More L’s for Buck!