Season: 1 / Episode: 5 / Starz
Maaaan, listen. All these bright eyed, gloomy tailed folks making their way across the divide. They talkin’ about maintenance for the embassy but ehh… That shit don’t even sound right. Why you dressed like you got stock in Apple for phones that don’t even exist in your world yet talking about maintenance? They peel off in the BMW and end up in fucking Slum Village. The three travelers get a tour of the new place from this creepy ass landlord. He like, look, this a chill spot. Don’t make no trouble, or I’ll make trouble for you.
Gonna be pretty fucking hard after your boy got the Coke Zero pressed against the back of his head for the makeshift silencer before getting his brains Jackson Pollock-ed against the wall. Something tells me these cats ain’t here to install a new cooling system at the embassy.
Non Prime So Laaaaaaaame
HIB out on the stroll when Andrei calls your boy up to play some Go. He don’t look thrilled to see this dude, but he gotta play the part, nahmean. Andrei must be getting the brakes beat off of him, because he like well damn, Howard, you done leveled up. HIB bout to hit him with the endgame but realizes that not sucking at Go might blow his cover. So he throws that shit. But also, Andrei is an asshole, man. Dude is basically patting HIB’s head the whole time like, “There you go, boy. You almost got it. You might actually win. The sequence is right there.” Man, kiss my prime ass, Andrei. A dude can’t just relax and play some Go by the canal outchea without all this pressure to win some shit?
HIB walks up in E-Coma’s room and he frustrated about why she had to make shit complicated. E-Coma was good at her job and difficult AF apparently.
Well, Butcher Shop as Good as Any I Suppose…
Your boy the butcher opens up shop and here come Clare with the glock right at the opening bell. She like, look here fam, I know Howard came up in the spot so I need to know what was said. Butcher is like… yeah, I don’t know fam. But it seems like the rumors about this Weather Underground knock off “The School” might be some real shit.
Y’all out here mobilizing like a muthafucka. Clare asks your boy again, but we all know where this shit is going. Clare is like, you’ve already chosen your side, but the butcher drops these bars:
A decade here, three at home. You know what I know? There are no sides. We’re all going to the same hell.
Howard over in Prime looking for Anna and some dude just up in her spot. He like, I’m her father and dude is like…nyope. He’s like, well, tell Anna I stopped by and dude is like…I doubt it.
Pope Giveth and Pope Taketh Away
Howard walks out to the bench where EPMD saw the truth like the Elric brothers. And then your boy Alexander Pope rolls up. Your dude knows Howard’s real identity like Ra’s Al Ghul knows Bruce Wayne. He tells Howard that he’s a runner, and that means he been making Lames into heartless killers for a grip now. Then Pope start talking about “I see you all up in Prime’s house. Drinking his Kool-Aid. Putting your name on the orange juice and shit.” Howard been playing house and Pope out here inspecting the premises.
Howard is like…but its upward inflection my family? Pope is like yeah…your girl EPMD, she really ain’t who you need to be spending your creeping time with fam.
St. Pete got his crew up at the job doing that Watergate inspection on shit cuz there’s a mole up in this muthafucka and the gardening crew is here. St. Pete tells Aldrich that shit is really out here and someone on their level been feeding intel to the other side. Aldrich hears that shit and is like, aiight, we’re taking a ride.
Kind of Need E-Coma to Wake Up and Answer Some Questions
HIB doing his usual visit to E-Coma to keep up appearances but he sees pretty Andrei out here getting pissed cuz he can’t see…Emily Silk. Oh…word? What this pretty muthafucka doing looking for E-Coma fam. HIB is like, what in the shits? Maaaaaan, what was E-Coma into and who really is this bastard, yo?
HIB go up in this dude’s crib and stakes out the stairwell. I don’t know if your boy doing intel or gonna snuff Andrei out or what.
Back in Prime, Howard hits up EPMD and is like, so your boy Pope came to see me. EPMD is like, OH HERE GO THIS MUTHAFUCKA. Howard is really fucked up over how different his others are than him…mostly cuz he don’t know what kind of dirt E-Coma is into. He tells EPMD that E-Coma got hit by a car and she already know what this shit is. Now he knows that EPMD didn’t have some simple drug overdose and EPMD is like, yeah, no shit, why don’t you run that by your boy Pope.
This shit is all bad, fam. Folks trying to kill Howard’s wife, the embassy has been compromised, and Howard just trying to make a difference yo. He asks EPMD how he can help and she pondering that shit cuz muthafuckas don’t normally just volunteer to have their existence exploited like this.
Baldwin gotta have straight up murda on the mind man. Clare done set her up. She in the bathroom cleaning the nine so she can rack up the next kill streak with the chrome glistenin’. She hit the cafe, trying to normalize some shit, and the waitress bring her extra soup and shit. Server looking at her thirsty AF smiling through the vapors of the soup and shit.
Aldrich taking your boy St. Pete out on a country drive. They hit the cottage that got some UN security measures and shit. Aldrich is like, ol girl is a defector from the other side, secretary in Strategy. She gave us dirt, we have her a house in the Shire.
Your girl fixing these cats tea and shit like this is all normal. Turns out that when ol girl turned, she said that they needed to be on the look out for some sideways shit happening at the strategy level.
EPMD got Howard setting up a sting operation and shit while they walking around an empty ass mall. M. Tee. Muthafuckas is not trying to smell outside on Prime, yo. Howard didn’t know that the mad cow hit Prime back in the 90s and wiped out 7% of the population. 7% yo. I don’t like paying 7% sales tax, yo. But the population? Sheeeeeeeeiiiit. EPMD said they almost lost Anna to that shit. All that grief made EPMD start hitting them pills. And then all that shit went south.
The mark walks in, so EPMD sends Howard down to get some information out of him. I guess dude be worshipping HIB so this should be…easy?
Speaking of HIB, he ain’t trusting this Andrei muthafucka so he waits for him to leave the apartment and then breaks into this shit. Dude scoping around his studio until he finds E-Coma’s go bag in the attic. Maaaaaaan, Emily was a fuckin’ player, my dude. She had a bunch of unmarked bills and a sexy pistol up in her bag.
Howard Under Cover, But Can’t Get Under No Covers
Howard trying to be like HIB but that shit ain’t convincing. It don’t fucking matter in the begining since you’re boy out here talking all kinds of shit that nobody would care about anyway. Howard gets right to the point, talking about how this dude is moving intel and your boy froze up. He talkin’ about he needs another drink but he dips the fuck out instead. Howard following Edgar but dude runs into EPMD back in muthafuckin business instead. She out with the chrome pointed at Edgar until he gives up the address. Howard looking at her like…the fuck? I thought we was just talkin’ yo?
St. Pete out here getting his fuckin’ mind blown cuz Alice done took him to Club Indigo. Basically, the other side had some slush fund money pouring in to fund black ops shit by training kids until they became fucking killing machine adults. Then they send them across the way to be sleeper agents. But I say gotdamn! This shit is from some fanatics that are still pissed about the flu.
Got Alices in Different Area Codes
After Alice Prime get done telling them about Shadow, the force behind that shit, Alice come walking through the door, doing the exact same shit. So basically, this shit is Wonderland with two Alice’s and a non-cooking husband bastard — I guess that always got the heat too high in the oven. You thought your Thanksgiving got complicated.
HIB been sitting in Andrei’s crib reading documents when Andrei comes back home. He hemmed dude up cuz he knows that story about his sister in the hospital was bullshit. HIB like I know you been hiding the research fam, so just spill the goods. Andrei is like, fine, you caught me. She didn’t tell me she was married until I was already in too deep…
These Emilys Ain’t Loyal
Oh, he wasn’t colluding with Emily on this spy shit. He was just giving E-Coma that good away from Howard loving. Gotdamn. Ain’t none of these Emily’s any good on any infinite number of Earths! Of course, he still thinks that HIB is Howard the Lame, so he doesn’t know why he’s carrying a gun. HIB is either impressed or fucking disgusted (cuz dude did wet himself). HIB grabs the bag and leaves cuz he gotta walk this shit off, yo.
Clare comes and finds this black ops muthafuckas to give them all their orders. Bunch of case files, plans and blueprints. They lightweight mad that not all the shit is as coordinated as it should be, but then one of the children is like, wait, you ain’t talkin’ to Clare like that.
Don’t you know she a fuckin’ legend. Clare leaves but Baldwin out here watching her on the street trying not to murder the whole fucking block, yo.
Aldrich putting in some after hours work trying to figure out who the “vacancy” was and who might be out here dry snitchin’.
EPMD: Heisman Contender
EPMD basically curbs Howard when they get back to her crib. I guess that adrenaline that comes with pointing a gun at a muthafucka wears off quicker than you think. She like, I’m not your Emily. And also, I’ll call you when I need some other shit.
HIB goes to see E-Coma and he lightweight big mad about the shit. He like, I don’t like you on Prime, I was hoping you would be worth a damn, but you out here creeping on Howard? Can’t trust these E’s anywhere, yo. He says thanks for the intel and bounces. Guess we ain’t reading no War of the Worlds late into the night, tonight.
Howard comes back to HIB’s crib and sees Anna waiting for him. She comes inside then starts grilling him on how he won’t leave them alone. The fuck…you came to see me, yo. He pleads with her to act like they don’t know each other (they don’t) and to pretend he isn’t her wayward father (he isn’t). Howard trying to get the family he never had and Anna is basically like…aiight dick, if you must.
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Good stuff Will…you are the muthafuckin man for these write ups…lol. Counterpart is on some serious the twilight zone antics.
Evil Ninja (@EvilNinjaX24)
“I thought you were better.” Man, that hit hard. It’s always painful (for everyone involved) when someone comes tumbling down off that pedestal they were placed on.