Game of Thrones Recap: The Dragon and The Wolf

Season: 7 / Episode: 7 / HBO

***Spoilers be just trying to rest peaceful in the box, but here you go, opening it and unleashing them on the queen and shit***

Here. We. Mutha. Fuckin’. Go. All the armies are in the go position fam. Unsullied chillin’ out of front of King’s Landing like they just came over to borrow some brown sugar and shit. Bronn and Jaime lookin’ over the battlefield, hoping for peace but preparing for war. Just gonna make note that this episode seemed to be obsessed with dicks. I don’t have another comment for that, just stating what it is. I love how the Unsullied got thousands of troops at the front door and Bronn and Jaime are like, yeah, this is bad. Then the Dothraki come through with the ruckus and these same dudes are like, yeah, now we’re fucked. Dothraki came through like when cats got the trap music turned up to 12 through the senior community. They do not give a damn about your sensibilities.

Smaug Team Six coming through on the boat, but notably no Daenerys yet. Jon, who ain’t never been to King’s Landing looking at this shit like, I don’t know how folks be living in this cramped ass place. And Tyrion is like, nah, it’s not that bad, until the price of the metro goes up or you gotta fly out of Laguardia. Then it’s fucking terrible.

Below deck, the Hound goes to check and see if the wight is still alive dead animated. He knocks on the box and this muthafucka react like that uncle that got PTSD when you try to wake him from a nap

Cersei is used to being the fashionably late one, so she don’t like that ain’t nobody seen Daenerys yet. Who this bish, think she is. Showing up last to the red carpet in some new fit and shit. Plus, the last time there was a big gathering and someone was really late, a lot of muthafuckas caught that Apple Jolly Rancher fire at the Sept, so Cersei ain’t comfortable being on the other side of that shit.

She gives the Mountain the instruction that if anything goes wrong to kill Daenerys first, then Jon, then Tyrion, then Lady Olenna again, the Sand family they got in the dungeon if they are still alive, the ghost of Christmas past, heckler number 27 from her walk of shame, the UPS delivery cat that never leaves packages on the front of the Red Keep even though it’s a secure location…

Also, “anything goes wrong” feels like a wide berth here. What if Cersei trips on a step. Or Jon sneezes violently? We could have a massacre cuz some muthafucka didn’t take their allergy meds man.

Jaime watching all this shit like…It’s possible. That this. Is a terrible idea.

Smaug Team Six on their way to the Dragon Pit and they talkin’ about how they had to build the pit to keep the dragons. Muthafuckas couldn’t be roaming around the capital unchecked. Just snatching up children, sheep, chillin’ in the parking lot after the brothel let out, trying to collect some numbers. Street harassment had to be a real fuckin’ problem when dragons was outchea man.

They run into Bronn leading the Northface Swords. Brienne in that party looking at the Hound like, look here pleighboy. Don’t start no shit. Won’t be no shit. I came here for diplomacy. Not to King Leonidas your ass off a cliff edge again.

Also, cuz I’ve just about lost my faith in everything else, I think the one pure thing I’m rooting for in this show is the Dothraki. Even though I am 100% sure they gonna be blue dragon flame fodder next season. But these dudes not only gotta be the most attractive contingent of humans on TV right now, they absolutely, positively look like they will fuck your shit up at a moment’s notice. You know that question, is it better to be feared or loved? I feel like my answer would be “I would be Dothraki.” Shit just feel like a next level of that. If I could walk around everyday looking like a Dothraki general, then yo…you muthafuckas just gonna have to find someone else to write your recaps. That’s the career change I’m willing to make.

Tyrion and Podrick reunite and I had forgot that before he became training-forever Nightwing, Podrick was Tyrion’s squire…or something. Bronn tells them to hurry up and that “he can suck his magic cock later.” At first I thought he was talking about Tyrion and that whole dwarf genitalia holds magical powers thing (which might just be from the books). But then I remembered that Podrick is like the Lex Steele of Westeros. Which again makes me wonder why dude is up north failing at being a knight when he could be down in sunny King’s Landing doing porn parodies like Stone in the Sept 6 or Put’em on The Dragon Glass 12.

Brienne drops back to walk with the Hound and she like…yeah, so this awkward. Cuz…I really thought I killed your ass my guy. Brienne talkin’ about how she was just trying to protect Arya…even though Arya is the one that told her she didn’t want to go with her. Ok. Feels a bit aggressive for protection in retrospect, but ok. After saying she’s in Winterfell, Hound ask who’s protecting her and Brienne is like, yo…you don’t know the half son. Arya is a fuckin’ sociopath now bruh. Like empathy does not compute, T-1000 type shit. Half the North might be merked by the time I make it back.

And yo, the Hound looked fuckin’ proud man. As he he should. She got the game from the House of Black and White. She got that fuckin’ ruthlessness from dat boy with the dogs on his sigil.

Short Bronn and Tyrion reunion as Tyrion start reminicising over the Battle of Blackwater. The battle that made Bronn. Yo, Tyrion just wants friends man. That’s all dude wants. He just want some muthafuckas to hang with. All Bronn wants is to know who gonna give him that castle.

Everybody get to the Dragon Pit and I almost forgot, how the fuck did Reek get on the first team NBA squad? WE DON’T EVEN CALL YOU BY YOUR REAL NAME FAM, HOW YOU GET A SEAT AT THE TABLE LIKE SOLANGE?!?! You had one job and then when you failed that job, you failed the next possible job by deserting your sister after that, the supposed next Queen of the Iron Islands. He’s like Mr. Dalvin of the crew man. I mean, it’s cool you could be there to fill out the group photo, but what purpose do you serve here?

Ain’t gonna lie, when it was just the Northface Swords and Smaug Team Six and Cersei wasn’t there, I was like nah man…tell me there ain’t no fuckin’ wildfire under the Dragon Pit, yo. But, then I laughed because Thrones doesn’t really kill characters that people like anymore.

Hound is like, yo, why the fuck am I here, yo? This is exactly why I left this shit. He tellin’ Tyrion that every bad idea has some Lannister c-word is behind it. So basically, the Lannisters are the Howard and Tony Starks of the Thrones-verse.

Finally, the Queen come through and I gotta say: whoever was on Cersei’s wardrobe this episode was not fuckin’ playing around. Her shit look like someone said, get me all the cloth wardrobes from Underworld set. Gotta love the glances and awkward reunions here too. Brienne looking at Jaime like she instantly needed a church fan. Cersei looking at Tyrion like she want to give the Mountain the order to make the little man fly. Shit was tense. And Euron looking at Reek like he doesn’t fucking matter…cuz he don’t.

Gotta save that Clegane reunion for last though. Hound rolls up on his big bro like, gotdaaaaaaaaam, they fucked your face up. I can’t even see that muthafucka past the helmet but your face got the texture of a bike tire inner tube or some shit. Then, the Hound straight up threatens him. A zombie. Called the Mountain. And not ironically. Props due for that shit.

Cersei getting impatient cuz Daenerys the only one not there. Finally you hear that tornado warning so you know Drogon got the wingspan out. Daenerys out her doing THE MOST in her entrance. She out here flexing like Diddy at the Met Gala and shit.

Also…I know what she was trying to do. The show of force. But yo, if they expect you have three dragons…then don’t bring two. This ain’t the fuckin’ Sith man. If you can’t bring all three, then you only need to bring one. Which leads me to something I’ll get to in a second.

Daenerys finally sits down and Cersei acting like she done missed curfew and shit. You gotta dragon, b? How the fuck you late?

The fastest things in Westeros:

[check_list]

• Whatever Bran is warging when the Night King sees him.
• Davos on a boat in season 7
• These new G-Chat Ravens
• Yara with a woman in close proximity.

[/check_list]
Das it.

So…can we talk about this Euron shit…like…why? Is there a contractual minimum dialogue that the actor needs to speak for his part or some shit. Dude is way down on the totem pole at this meet to be the first one with an extended dialogue. Euron is the cishet white dude that talks the most in his women’s studies class. FOH man.

Speaking of which…Why is Daenerys talking the least at this meet. She is supposed to be the next ruler but her dragon made more noise when he landed than she did this whole fuckin’ meeting. Which it dawns on me…is Dany actually ready for this shit? The most resistance she went up against were some noble lords of Meereen. She ain’t faced anybody this stature yet and shit showed. Whole meeting she sittin’ there look like she was in cowering against her locker during freshman’s first day in high school or some shit.

After some jawing back and forth, Tyrion like, yo, we ain’t really come to talk like that though. Let me show this shit that Amazon Prime delivered.

Hound goes and gets the crate and folks sitting around like Detective Mills:

Maaaaan, listen Hound kicked that box over and the wight started running like he was trying to turn in a good 40 time at the combine. This muthafucka running at Cersei like, “I heard you got some of Pattie Labelle’s piiiiiiiieeeeesssss.”

Hound snatched this dude back then started cutting him down to show that the regular blade work ain’t stopping these undead bastards. Yo, Qyburn picking up the undead hand was creepy as hell. That was like his equivalent to sniffing a panties drawer, man.

King Pomade Jesus does the demonstration of what kills these things and for the first time Cersei looks fuckin’ shook. Cersei got the same face we all got when Steve Bannon says he’s part of a race with superior genes and we all like…but you can see yourself, right? Cersei look like she an anime fan watching Netflix’s Deathnote over the weekend.

Dany speak up like, yeah, he ain’t just a nice ass, Jon is also telling the truth. I seent that shit with my own eyes. Bout 100,000 of them muthafuckas North of the Wall.

Maaaaaan, Euron’s punkass seen that shit was like, the official decree from the Iron Islands is, Hell to the Naw. Then peaces the fuck out.

And then…the most impulsive, ill tempered, “I don’t care if I set my house on fire with me in it, at least it will kill the burgulars too”, muthafucka on the show becomes…pragmatic? Wait, what? Cersei, who once killed about 15% of King’s Landing’s population because she didn’t want to appear in court, the woman who ordered a code green on clergy fam, CLERGY, all of a sudden, in 90 seconds is all like, fuck our beef, lets form Voltron? Did y’all get Men In Black flashed a minute ago and remember nothing? What…what are we doin’ yo? Of course, the short-game is that Cersei puts the condition that Jon gotta become Switzerland and not get involved when the fighting resumes. Cersei is like, he’s Ned Stark’s son and I know Ned Stark’s son will be true to his word. LOL.

1.

2.

Is this the new, “MLK, Jr. was non-violent, so violence has no place” shit that white folks use? It bears mentioning that Ned Stark was a loyal and honorable man that was fucked over by folks that were neither loyal nor honorable. Like MLK, Jr. was non-violent and then fucking shot. Basically what Cersei is saying is, yo, I would appreciate you being a loyal and humble servant like your alleged pops cuz it will make it easier to throw you for the Wu too.

But of course, Jon goes completely left. Jon is like, yo, I already pledged and I joined Dragon Kappa Dragon last week. But why I feel like nobody else knew this shit at the meet except for Dany? This is like finding out two of your friends been dating while you’re at the big family cookout, but y’all just went clubbin’ over the weekend and these muthafuckas ain’t said shit then. Cersei is like, welp. Well, thanks for coming, but not really, enjoy your polar vortex zombies. We’ll be happy to kill whoever survives when you’re done.

Brienne is like, Jaime, I know you ain’t about to let this shit go down like this. We can’t let the dead over run us cuz we ain’t even got it jumpin’ off yet. I wore my best wolf cloak for you bae.

Man, everybody is like, Jon, baby, what is you doin? Whole Smaug Team Six lookin’ at him like:

Dany is like, yo, I’m really aroused right now, but you could’ve gotten the milkshake whenever you wanted. We had different goals here today. Tyrion is fuckin’ fed up. He gotta be like, you fuckin’ Starks drive me crazy man. He gotta be fed up with these northern bastards by now. But for real Jon, like what are you actually doing? You really went on a suicide mission up in the Fortress of Solitude’s hood, faced off against thousands of wights, sacrificed a dragon, transported the chimera virus across the continent like Mission Impossible 2, all so you could be like, yeah, the only thing you wanted to negotiate in this Cersei…hard pass. Jon the type you bail out of prison, then be like fuck the system, I ain’t appearing in court while you’re like, muthafucka what about that bail money? Jon the type to get pulled over on a traffic stop and confess to the officer that he was smoking…two days ago. Jon the type to remind the professor that they forgot to assign the reading for that day while everyone’s leaving class.

Tyrion like, fuck it, I’ll go talk to Cersei cuz we out of options and we need to keep teasing viewers that someone might die this episode. Tyrion sees Jaime on his way to the gallows and they like, So…this was fun, aye? Just a couple of idiots saying goodbye I guess. But seriously, as callously as it came about, this was a probably the best non CG heavy scene of the episode, possibly season. Dinklage and Headley did the damn thing. Also, Tyrion gotta be tired of defending himself like, you know pops knew I was innocent and tried to kill me to prove a point, right. Tyrion basically dared Cersei to have the Mountain give him that broadsword to the back but pulled back. My only issue with this scene is this “Cersei with child” shit. Before I was thought she was lying, now I’m just hoping it cuz this shit about to come up in every damn conversation that Cersei has now. Cersei being pregnant this season is like the person that attends Crossfit for two weeks and suddenly it’s the only fucking thing they talk about.

Dany and Jon talking in the Dragon Pit and Dany waxing on about how the Targaryens were only special cuz of their dragons and were no longer special once the dragons were gone. Jon is like, gurrrrrllll, I think you all kinds of special. Even though you a dragon short.

[quote_simple]Jon: Your family hasn’t seen its end, you’re still here.

Dany: I can’t have children.

Jon: Oh, wow, I wasn’t even talkin about–

Dany: So, ya know…shoot your shot

Jon: Well, not literally.

Dany: [/quote_simple]

Finally, Tyrion comes back out, alive shortly followed by Cersei. Cersei does her second flip this episode and proclaims that she’s going to pledge the full support of the her army behind them to fight the Great War, with no assurances from either of them. Now, if that shit sounds too easy to you, apparently you would be the only muthafucka in Westeros that thinks so. All of a sudden, the most murderous woman in the known world is down for the team up with her enemies? And nobody questioned that shit? Ok. Sounds a lot like the moderate republican myth to me.

Fam, Little Restraining Order in his place of power in a dark ass room giving council to Sansa. In the span of 90 seconds, he done thrown both Jon and Arya under the bus. This whole scene, everybody gotta be like…Sansa, you ain’t this dense girl. This whole possible plot by Arya revolves around her wanting to be Lady of Winterfell, which is literally, some shit she never wanted. Like…you know what, I’m tired of talking about this manufactured ass subplot until I have to…

At Dragonstone, they putting together their plans for going up North. Look man, Jorah tried it. Your boy seen the writing on the wall. He tried to block Pomade Jesus so hard man. Jorah was that dude that been best friends with the person he actually loves and whenever his friend gets interested, he be like, “I just think it’s funny how…” Also peep the exhale from Daenerys after she made that decision. That was someone that just accomplished their to do list:

[check_list]

• Entered a truce with Cersei
• Left King’s Landing without anyone dying
• Secured the D

[/check_list]

Ugh…this scene and everything with Reek man. I want to like it. I wanted to be moved by two men that were not actually sons of Ned Stark, but were both basically raised by Ned. Jon giving out honorary Stark titles and he can’t (cuz he don’t know) claim the fuckin’ Stark title himself. Reek is like the fuckin’ Arbitor from Halo man, only thing he got left is to die in service of a great deed. If his story don’t end with him murdering Euron to ensure his sister’s escape, then he could drown going to get groceries as far as I’m concerned.

But also, why does Theon have no fighting skills whatsoever. Dude grew up in the Stark house. His sister is a fierce warrior…what he been doing, man? Fuckin’ buying power ball tickets while everybody else been perfecting their footwork? And don’t even get me started on the “knee to the groin that isn’t there” turning point of the fight. Like…give me up to the drowned god for watching that shit.

Sansa done called Arya to the Great Hall and Arya stepped up to the stage like, yo, what you need sis? Even though this shit was as predictable as a Trump breaking campaign promises, I still was half rooting for this shit to fully embrace the stupidity of this plot and set up a scenario where Arya killed like every soldier in the room when they tried to apprehend her. But nah, Sansa announces all these crimes. Crimes by the way…that didn’t even fit Arya when she announced them. Like the only thing that was missing from this scene was an exaggerated zoom-in on LRO’s face when Sansa dropped the bars.

The only good things from this scene, truth be told, were that Bran finally fucking did something. Bran is like Jean Grey if Jean only used her telekinesis to preheat the oven. The second of course was Arya with the no hesitation on LRO. You know how cats on the court shoot and be like “Kobe!” Arya rolled up and slit LRO throat like, “Child Protective Services!” Shit was a wrap. Arya slit this muthafuckas throat then walked back to her post so that she could have the best place to watch him die from. Savage. As. Fuck.

Jaime is planning the expedition up North and Cersei come in like…oh I was just playin. We ain’t doin’ that shit fam. Jaime is fed up. Which, ya know what, is past due. Cersei is really on that, we all gonna die, so at least let me chill where it’s summer still. She planned on betraying Smaug Team Six from the beginning. That whole shit with Euron was a ploy and he left during the first act, so that means everything from Cersei was bullshit.

Euron going to get the Golden Company from Essos and plans on marching her army up north while everybody else is actually fighting the war they all agreed on. Maaaaaaan, I thought Jaime was gonna choke her out right there. But ya know, giant fuckin zombie there makes that plan difficult. Cersei is like, yo, either you a traitor or a coward and Jaime is like, I don’t. Fuck with. Youuuuuuu. She for real threatened Jaime’s life witha fuckin’ zombie and Jaime called her bluff. I gotta say, I don’t think you come back from that shit. Jaime done abandoned his Lannister armor and hit that Oregon Trail. Aaaaand it snowing in King’s Landing. Yeah. Winter Here like a muthafucka fam.

Sam made it to Winterfell and he goes to see Warg in the Sheets.

[quote_simple]Sam: I didn’t think you’d remember me.
Bran: I remember everything.
Sam: Like before you became kind of a prick?[/quote_simple]

Bran tells him that Jon is coming back to Winterfell with Daenerys and he like, fam, I got ALL the gossip for Jon’s ass when he get here. He tells Sam all that shit, bout how he really is Rhaegar’s son and says his name is Sand instead of Snow, cuz that’s what they call bastards in the south. Sam is like, nah b, that first marriage got annulled, Rhaegar and Lyanna were married, they’s bonafied.

So, one: You the Three-eyed Raven and you didn’t know that shit? How you failing Trivia Pursuit and you got the answer sheet? Bran remembers everything, but apparently he fell asleep during that episode of Targaryen Lineage That Will Change Everything.

Two: How Sam just gonna take credit for Gilly’s discovery man. He straight up Columbus-ed the fuck out that piece of info. Damn Gilly, I hate it had to be you. I guess we gotta initiate Gilly into the sisterhood with Sacagawea, Mary Shelley, Nattie Stevens, Joan Clark, Black women in general…

Of course this shit confirms that Robert’s Rebellion, the event that made the Starks the Warden’s of the North, was based on a lie. You know, “Weapons of Mass Destruction” kind of a lie. And to top it all off, of course, Jon ain’t his real name. His name is actually Aegon…like his half brother that killed by the Mountain. So I guess this was some George Foreman shit, every boy shall be named Aegon.

MEANWHILE…

Incest on Fleek. These folks literally out here rockin’ the boat. Aegon the Aunt Piercer, the dead man formerly known as Jon of course found his way to Auntie Dany’s cabin for that regal room service. AAP done leveled up man. Dude went from a wildling to the prominent Queen of Westeros. The glow up is in full effect it seems. Also, only Game of Thrones plays triumphant music while a dude is inside his aunt. It’s a lot man.

So…can we talk about the conclusion of this fucking Sansa / Arya drama? Here’s the deal, if it was an elaborate ruse where both Sansa and Arya were setting up LRO, then who was the audience (besides us, the literal audience) that witnessed this discord? Who would then report this back to LRO, solidifying the theater of this tension between the sisters? That answer, as the show provided, was nobody. One scene on a balcony with no one around and another in an isolated room when Sansa found the faces.

So, essentially, the only people that were supposed to be fooled in those scenes…was us. Which makes that just shitty writing. And if it wasn’t for show, if Arya wasn’t in on it and Sansa just came to her own conclusions about LRO, then why is Arya no longer mad? LRO was present when she wrote the letter but Sansa still wrote the letter, so killing her pederast wouldn’t have changed that. I hated this storyline, but at least it ended with Pervert Carcetti bleeding out on the cobblestones man. It just could’ve been done a lot smarter.

Fuuuuuuuuuck, you knew this shit wasn’t over, yo. You know the only time they take us to the wall at the end of an episode that some really bad shit about to go down. Tormund and Beric walk the Wall when they see these dead muthafuckas coming out the woods. ALL OF THEM. White Walkers put 10K on the board off rip. But when thousands of dead muthafuckas emerge from the woods and that’s not the scariest part…

Viserion aka Sub-Zero Charizard came through with the Blue Rata-tat-tat. My gawd fam. Your boy broke out that Killer Frost Bunsen Burner flame on the Wall. Shit was fucking crazy. Ice King Magneto out here saddled up on Sub-Zero Charizard doing work. Nah man, this shit fell in like a minute. Like, a Jamaican 4 x 100 team fam. Bran the Builder ain’t spend his life building this shit just so Dany could leave one of her nukes north of the wall for the dead to re-purpose that shit. So, if you’re scoring at home.

The White Walkers have a dragon, and not even the biggest dragon, but a dragon that melted a wall that’s stood for a thousands years in about the time it takes to pop some instant pop corn, just so Cersei could not join their army to fight the dead. We could’ve never seen this coming…

So now, it looks like every muthafucka at Eastwatch either caught those Azula flames, fell 1000 feet to their death or got crushed under boulders of ice. And the army of the dead marching through the wall without a fight. All I know is, we better get some air to air combat next season ending with Drogon doing some version of “Am I my brother’s keeper” when he gotta take down Viserion. It can be no other way.

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