Season: 7 / Episode: 3 / HBO
***Spoilers be getting pulled by the neck through King’s Landing***
Maaaaaaan, listen. King Pomade Jesus and the crew arrive at that oceanfront property they call Dragonstone in a boat the size of those small buses that be taking your grandma to church during the week and shit. I mean, I know this shit supposed to be all cool and the gang, but I don’t like the fact that Jon brought like 8 dudes with him across Westeros to holla at the Queen. Also. Where. The. Fuck. Is. Ghost. Jon gonna get enough of traveling long distances without the god-tier scout direwolf by his side fam. They touch down on the shores and are greeted by Stormborn’s finest hospitality crew. For real, Missandei and Tyrion look like they work for a law firm and are greeting a big client at the door. Tyrion and Jon start chopping it up, starting with insults of affection first. I really wanted that shit to keep going:
[quote_simple]Tyrion: Bastard of Winterfell.
Jon: Dwarf of Casterly Rock.
Tyrion: Abercrombie In the North.
Jon: Cirrhosis Liver to the Queen.
Tyrion: Heard you lost your virginity to a wildling and then let her get killed by wilding Bruce Wayne.
Jon: Heard you fell in love with a snitch and then she turned on you to get it in with your daddy. [/quote_simple]
Good times…good times.
Missandei starts speaking in the most perfect AI companion voice ever while laying out the agenda, and then politely telling them to hand over their weapons. Uh-huh. Then the Dotrharki cats swiftly take their boat off the shore. Uh-huh.
They start walking that Great Wall path up to the castle and Tyrion feels the real need to let Jon know that he ain’t never seen Sansa in her V. Secrets before. They’re sizing each other up and realizing that this shit don’t really make sense how they ended up where they are. Jon tells Tyrion that his bannerpeople (we gonna keep it gender neutral for no other reason than Lyanna Mormont still got the most delegates, nah mean), think he’s a fool for coming and Tyrion is like, “NO SHIT. Man, when I wrote you that kite, I was thinking, this muthafucka gotta be dumb as hell to accept this shit fam. Like, a fucking idiot to accept this invite. Whew. I was cracking myself up Jon, like that shit had us weak when I was reading it out loud. Like, nobody thought you’d be such a dumbass to come. But yeah, real spit, it probably wasn’t prudent to come here.”
So, I don’t know how long Danny and the Flame-Ons been in Dragonstone, but these muthafuckas really could’ve put up a “Beware, low flying dragons in this area” sign or some shit by now. There gotta be some code violations with this shit. You ever been in the hood with someone who definitely not from the hood and a car backfires or some shit and your non-hood adjacent friend hit the ground like the end times just started cuz they thought someone had just started buckin’? That’s what Davos and Jon looked like when the Dragons flew over head. Shit was embarrassing man. Can’t take these northern boys anywhere.
Varys and Melisandre aka the first woman ever aka Red Woman Vandal Savage, standing on the cliffs watching the welcoming party. Varys for real pressing RWVS on why she didn’t go down to meet the King of the North after passing dude’s mixtape around last week. She’s like, yeah, I didn’t part on good terms [they kicked my ass out and threatened my life if I came back]. And I made some mistakes [I literally Joan of Arc-ed a 10 year old]. Damn man, just remembered that the whole fucking Baratheon line is fucking dead. Like none of them stag muthafuckas still breathing. RWVS is basically responsible for putting the last ax swings on that family tree. I know she brought Pomade Jesus back, but like she got one hit record and at least three garbage albums. So…like the middle of Nas’ career (I’m sorry, it had to be said).
So maaaaaaaaan, we been waiting for this shit. BEEN. WAITING. FOR DIS. SHIT. Auntie Daenerys and her
play cousin Jon meeting for the first time. Missandei reading Daenerys’ resume for like six minutes straight. That shit was like 100 bars of death over the “No Church In the Wild” beat.
Davos was like, oh, they call this dude J-Snow, King Risen, if you nasty.
Daenerys don’t waste no time telling Jon to kneel and dude is like, Hard Pass. Daenerys start bringing up old shit, about how the Starks bent the knee in perpetuity to the Targaryans, but I’m like, Danny, you really trying to recall fucking history right now? How you gonna be like, “we had peace, so much peace” and omit the part WHERE YOUR POPPA ROASTED JON’S PEOPLES FUCKING ALIVE LIKE IT WAS RIBFEST WEEKEND. The fuck?!?! Daenerys for real trying to Arizona school board the textbooks right now. Jon is like, real talk, we got some dead muthafuckas with eyes the color of Cool Water cologne coming from beyond the wall, the Iron Throne can wait. STOP WASTING MY TIIIIIIIIIME.
Then Daenerys start feeling herself talking about how much she’s survived, how many assassins have failed to kill her, how she freed the slaves, how she got her husband killed, how she promoted the dude she was sleeping with to head of security that led to her enemies storming a coliseum and killing a ton of her people…wait, no, she didn’t mention that shit? Like, we just gonna forget all the terrible decisions that Danny has made? Ok, bet. But she basically arrives at the point that she was born to rule the seven kingdoms and that’s all that matters.
THEN DAVOS SAYS ENOUGH OF THIS SHIT CUZ MY MANS JON GOT THE ILLEST CATALOG TO COME OUT OF THE NORTH. Davos hopped in the booth and was spitting so long they ran out of track. Your boy was just killing that shit A Capella cuz they killed his mic and he was still spittin’. Basically, all that shit that Danny been doing, living off her name, Jon been doing with no fuckin’ name. Just building his street cred by working that block. We basically comparing Ivanka Trump to Jay-Z right now. Davos is fuckin’ fed up. Your boy almost let that shit slip that Jon is fuckin’ re-animator 2017, but Jon stops him short cuz he don’t like all his business in the street like that.
Speaking of Reek (Reek, Reek, his name is fucking Reek until he redeems himself) getting airlifted onto one of the few remaining Greyjoy ships pledged to Daenerys. Captain of the ship is like, so what went down?
[quote_simple]Reek: Yeah, that shit went sideways fam, Euron caught us.
Captain: Your sister dead?
Reek: She got captured.
Captain: But you got away?
Reek: Fam shit was crazy, I was fighting like five bastards at one time, right? And then I took two of them down, quick. You should’ve seen me, I was out here lookin’ like that new God of War with that ax, nahmean. Then, out the corner of my eye, I seen Euron snatch up Yara, and I was like, fuck that shit, you bout to die big brother, but then, someone had smacked me upside my head with the handle of their weapon or some shit, so I lost my balance and fell overboard. Then I was surrounded by fire and you know I had this concussion and shit, so I was just trying not to drown at that point.
Captin: You jumped into the water like a punk didn’t you?
Reek: Like, the biggest punk man, I think I entered the Speed Force I dove so quickly. [/quote_simple]
King’s Landing loves parading defaced women through its fucking streets, don’t they? Euron got Yara on a gotdamn leash with the Sands pulled right behind, wearing Princess Leia’s “Prisoner of Jabba” attire. I’m guessing they hit that 10K steps on their Fitbit easy cuz it looked like they walked the Tour De France through the city like that. Calf game gotta be crazy. Euron brings the prisoners right up into the great hall and presents the Sands as a present to Cersei. Cersei got that, “I just got my hair did” confidence and tells the court that with Euron and Jaime leading their respective forces, they gonna win this muthafucka.
Then Euron basically challenges himself to be as disrespectful as possible. He start taunting Jaime about his sister’s sexual preferences which would be wildly inappropriate if Jaime didn’t actually have answers to those questions.
The Sands down in what I assume are the Black cells cuz the shit ain’t getting any darker than this. Cersei got them gagged and chained up and come on, with the Mountain down there, we all assumed the fucking worst. But Cersei is like, nah, Lannister stay paying these debts fam. Ellaria killed Cersei’s daughter, so you know, the barter system is real. She kisses Tyene with that Mabeline Long Farewell shade so that Ellaria can watch her daughter die. But no, not just die fam. Rot. Ellaria gotta front row seat to the decomp. Jeeeeezus. Cersei’s clapback game is the most sinister bruh.
Jaime trying to drown his sorrows and Cersei came up in the spot mad aggressive because deadly vengeance to her like watching Love Jones for some. Cersei just trying to do that Torture and Chill.
The Iron Bank all up in King’s Landing cuz the Lannisters been holding on to the package too long and now they out here rockin’ new authentic jerseys, buying their bae diamond earrings and shit. But Cersei is like, “Yo, I’m gonna win this war and then I’m gonna re-up so you got nothing to worry about. Besides, Daenerys be telling all her customers they ain’t gotta pay, so I know you not gonna make bank off of her.”
Tyrion goes out to the Big Little Lies cliff to pout about his failed plan with the Greyjoys and Dorne. Yo, I really do like Tyrion. But we realize this cat has not made a good call in a really long fucking time, right? Like, he was once great and now, he spells his first name with about 3 Ls. He’s basically Senator McCain living off reputation right now.
Pomade Jesus is pissed because yeah, he is a prisoner here. Kind of like everybody told him he would be, or worse. Tyrion is like, “yeah, you should try to run that shit by the Queen one mo gin cuz that shit might as well have been you reading Goodnight Moon to Daenerys the first time. Cuz…Goodnight Moon makes no fucking sense. Like none at all. My daughter brought that to me to read and I was like, ‘Love, real talk, go get some real shit from your room cuz we all too old for this landfill anymore.’ You outgrow the narrative logic of Goodnight Moon the moment you know you don’t hang no mittens from a fucking clothesline in the middle of your giant bedroom.”
Tyrion tells Daenerys to at least come up off that dragonglass since she damn sure ain’t sending any dragons on a bid up north. He’s like, “I know you ain’t trying to fuck them White muthafuckas, so you can at least act like an ally and he might want to put in on this war later.”
Danny talking to Jon at THE BEST VIEW IN WESTEROS talkin’ about how she named the dragons after her brothers. Then she’s like, you lost two brothers too. Jon like, yeah, but one of them dudes is chillin’ at Castle Black right now so…
Actually, no, Pomade Jesus didn’t say that BECAUSE WHY HAVE THEY NOT TOLD THEM THAT WARG IN THE SHEETS STARK IS ALIVE YET. What…what are we even doing man? There is literally only one more living Stark than there are fucking Dragons in the world, but this shit can’t make it through the wire? You tellin’ me jokes man. Starks don’t grow on trees, fam, them muthafuckas are literally dead, returned to the earth and feeding the trees at this point.
Danny tells Jon he can mine the dragonglass even though she still think he sound wild as hell for believing in zombies and shit…as two dragons fly overhead. Whatever.
Sansa up at Winterfell in the new wolf queen cloak she got as part of a Destiny quest but WHY LITTLE RESTRAINING ORDER ALL UP IN THE FRAME? How does Brienne not get an alert in her Dark Knight armor every time LRO is within 15 feet? This shit is distressing man. If LRO can’t go within 100 yards of any school grounds, then he damn sure shouldn’t be this close to the substitute Queen in the North. LRO get his 2 minutes alone with the Queen and basically gives her some visualization techniques. I’m like, fam, you using a lot of words to say absolutely nothing right now. It was like listening to the Charlamagne the lesser god talk about…well, talk period.
That shit gets interrupted because word comes that Sansa got a visitor. You hear that music swell, being all not quite Hans Zimmer and shit, and you already know a Stark must be at the gates. Yep, they done pushed, pulled and medflight Bran to Winterfell. BTW, Meera look tired as fuck, bruh. Can she get a vacation from this caretaker shit? Sansa gives him a hug and Bran staring into the void cuz dude has literally seen too much at this point.
Like, seriously, you thought it was hard to convince someone that zombies exist? Try explaining that you got that subscription to Tidal that got cats whole discography before that shit hits the Westeros shores for anybody else. Then dude gonna tell Sansa how he’s sorry about what happened to her. And how beautiful she was the night she was raped. BRUH. You can see all this wisdom but you don’t know what the fuck a trigger warning is? How you just gonna make her relive that shit on fuckin’ impulse? Gotdamn man.
SAM THE SLAYER AIN’T JUST A SLAYER, HE A LOVER AND A FIGHTER, AND A SCHOLAR AND A HEALER.
Sam done got called to the principle’s office for treating Killer Croc Mormont cuz now this dude only looks like he survived a house fire. Sam broke some rules, defied orders, but also saved dude’s life. So instead of expulsion, archmaester just gonna make him transcribe some scrolls that been around since Melisandre was a teenager.
Daenerys stressed out about losing the fleet and for real ready to grab the burner and handle this shit herself like Doughboy after Ricky got shot. They like, “nah killa, that shit too risky.” They start talking about the assault on Casterley Rock and how the Unsullied gonna have a fucking fight on their hands. But since Tyrion built the sewers, he know the weakness on some Helm’s Deep shit.
Greyworm knows that shit was way too easy though and sees Euron’s peoples out there burning their ships. He wanna know where the Lannister army is and the simple answer is, not here muthafucka.
That’s cuz these dudes took their whole army to High Garden instead. The sigil for House Tyrell is “Growing Strong” but they gotta remix that shit to “Growing Extinct.” GREAT HOUSES DIE EVERYDAY B, WESTEROS WILL BE AIIGHT.
Also, what the fuck good is Tyrion for again? He supposed to be the smart one. That’s the thing he does. If Tyrion isn’t being smarter than everybody, then what actual value does he have? Clever one liners ain’t winning the Iron Throne, fam. Your boy done got outflanked in embarrassing fashion.
Lady Olenna up in the castle knowing the end of days (for her) done finally came. She drops those last bars to Jaime like, “you know your sister/baby mama is the worst of us, right? Like, you know your twin is Rosemary’s Baby, for real?” Lady Olenna know she gotta die, so she just trying to put out enough bars for them to patch together an album after she gone. Jaime told her that Cersei wanted to do all kinds of sick shit for her death, but Jaime gonna spare her that. He pour some poison in her wine and Lady Olenna is like, “if that shit ain’t painful, I’m gonna take that shit to the head quick. Like, right the fuck now.” Most people would’ve at least looked at that shit for a couple of seconds, Lady Olenna drank that poison like it was a fuckin’ shot. She knocked that shit back like, “Bartender, pour me another.”
Then, with her last words, she was like, “yeah, your boy, that Joffrey muthafucka, I WATCHED HIM DIE LIKE OH DAMN, I DIDN’T KNOW THE SHIT WAS GONNA LOOK LIKE THIS BUT I DID KNOW IT WAS GONNA LOOK SOMETHING LIKE THIS CUZ I GOT THAT MUTHAFUCKA BODIED TELL CERSEI TO HOLLA AT CHA GIRL [death rattle].”
LOL @ The Lannisters still believing that doe eyed (at the time) Sansa Stark was the mastermind behind that shit. Lady Olenna went out like a damn G with that murder on her lips for her last words. May we all go out with a clear conscious such as that. HOW YOU WIN YOUR OWN DEATH SCENE FAM? Lady Olenna really was the Ruth Bader Ginsburg of the seven kingdoms. Bars all the way to the end.
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Your reviews make me so happy. BTW, the two brothers Dany talks about being dead are Rob and Rickon. Jon knows Bran is alive.
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS to E’RRY BIT O’THIS!!!!! ESPECIALLY Theon’s bars!!! ROTFLMMFAO!!!
REEK!! I meant to say REEK!!! LMAO!!!
“Davos was like, oh, they call this dude J-Snow, King Risen, if you nasty.” SO GOOD!
Evil Ninja (@EvilNinjaX24)
*pours one out for Lady Olenna and the best bars spit since Kane on The Symphony*
Always a pleasure, and that whole last paragraph about Lady O! 100x YES!!
This shit is so good, I don’t hide it at work. Yup, I’m reading GoT shit during my work day! Got a problem with that? Read some yourself and tell me it’s a waste of time. I wait for this! Thank you!!!
HOW YOU WIN YOUR OWN DEATH SCENE FAM? Lady Olenna releasing the Lemonade of Westeros.
There is at lease one Baratheon still alive, Gendry is Robert’s true-born son. I think he’s going to show up later in the season (maybs) Love your review BTW!!
How does Jon know Bran is alive? That wasn’t in any of the episodes.
yo ur reviews are the GOAT fam, keep it up
Following the mutiny at Craster’s, Tarly told Jon he met Bran on the way back and couldn’t convince him to come with him to Castle Black.
I live for these reviews.
And why I low key want this Mabeline Long Farewell shade now? LMAO
Sonjanita Leche Moore
Didn’t Sam and Gilly tell Jon that Bran was alive?
Sonjanita Leche Moore
What do the Baratheon’s call their bastards? Are they of the north? the south? Would he be Gendry Storm (since the Baratheon’s are from Storm’s End)?
Yo, that was tight! Wish u reviewed all my shows.
You need to do Twin Peaks reviews/recaps. I love your column.
you are an extremely creative and entertaining writer. you have no idea how much I look forward to your GOT recaps! excellent! This tho: “hen dude gonna tell Sansa how he’s sorry about what happened to her. And how beautiful she was the night she was raped. BRUH. You can see all this wisdom but you don’t know what the fuck a trigger warning is? How you just gonna make her relive that shit on fuckin’ impulse? Gotdamn man.” #BRILLIANT
I live for your recaps of GoT.
This is great lmao. Jon did lose two brothers though, Robb and Rickon.
BARZ SON ALL. THE. WAY TO. DA. END!
So glad I happened upon your review!
“Jon is like, real talk, we got some dead muthafuckas with eyes the color of Cool Water cologne coming from beyond the wall, the Iron Throne can wait. STOP WASTING MY TIIIIIIIIIIME.”
La Shaun phoenix Moore
I am fucking crying! This shit is lit as fuck (as always). Favorite line so far: “For real Sam?!?! You just out here revolutionizing medicine and shit fam? Premiums bout to go up cuz Sam out here performing miracles. LOL, just kidding. Premiums about to go up cuz Republicans trying to kill us all with these repeal efforts.”
Just because Dany has dragons doesn’t mean she should automatically believe Jon about the White Walkers. Dragons were last seen 150 years ago, and their is proof that they existed because their skulls are still in the Red Keep. The White Walkers, in contrast, were last seen 8000 years ago, and there is no proof they ever existed at all.
For a modern equivalent, it would be like someone pulling off Jurassic Park by getting enough DNA to clone a dinosaur . . . and then some stranger coming up to them and saying “hey vampires once almost took over Earth 1.5 billion years ago, and and coming back to try again, help me fight them.”
So…like the middle of Nas’ career (I’m sorry, it had to be said). – COMEDY!!!!!!!!
There is still a Baratheon top-side. Gendry.
Yes. And Sansa would have too since she knew that Theon didn’t kill Bran and Rickon. That’s not a guarantee he’s alive, but it leaves it open.
And yes, Sam told him he saw Bran going beyond the wall.