Game Of Thrones Recap: The Red Woman

Season 6 / Episode 1 / HBO

***Spoilers can’t see shit, but still mercilessly get the Donatello work in the middle of the street***

My Gawd, my Gawd, MY GAWD we back up in this piece like we never left. Well, I mean, some people left ‘cuz plenty folks been fed the fuck up with Game of Thrones shit of late, but that’s not what we do here at BNP. We head to the trenches and report back on awesomeness and fuckboys alike. So let’s get back into this No Chill TV Viewing Experience to kick off Season 6.

Look man, first Negan kill an unknown muthafucka, now this? How we open the season with Ghost crying as we zoom in on “I fell down dead like this” Jon Snow? Like, they couldn’t time lapse us 15 minutes from the finale? It’s been like six months and we are literally returning to the scene of the crime. Gotdamn, man. Jon, my bastard, I hate it had to be you. They stabbed your boy until he made blood snow angels. Davos hears Ghost droppin’ the thug tears so he comes out to see what’s going on and you’ll notice, the courtyard of the Night’s Watch is empty as fuck. There’s less people out here than folks bumping Jay-Z at the crib after Lemonade dropped. Davos sees the body is all kinds of fucked up. He on that Clerks shit like, “I ain’t even supposed to be here today!” The non-fuckboy Night’s Watch cats come out and are shocked to see their Lord Commander got Jackson Pollock-ed in the middle of the damn yard too. I don’t know where these muthafuckas was at 5 minutes ago when it was packed like SXSW with knives outchea. Ain’t like they got HBO in their sleeping quarters or some shit.

They carry him inside and place him on the table, so just in case you thought… maybe he’s badly injured and just barely breathing, naw man. Jon dead as fuck, yo. No ambiguity. Jon was at The Wall in the afterlife when Prince came through with an entourage, a Valyrian guitar and a purple cloak for the watch that he had specially made from Essos. These cats trying to figure out who they can trust when the Red Woman sensed a disturbance in the force and came knocking. She lookin’ over Jon’s body in disbelief. She says, “I saw him in the flames, fighting at Winterfell.” Davos like, “Oh, the flames huh? Same flames that saw my King Stannis ruling the Iron Throne? Those flames, witch? If you and your flames don’t get the fuck up out my face with that shit…”

In the great hall, this simple ass, punk ass, I’m-still-bitter-a-17-year-old-got-more-votes-than-me Ser Alliser out here justifying why they Caesar-ed Jon Snow. Then this dude starts name droppin’ all the conspiring senators ‘cuz he don’t want to hold that weight. Naw, that’s a punk move, crow. Ayebody know you mad ‘cuz you ain’t had hair like Jon in about 30 years. Muthafucka wanna talk loyalty, but we are literally here ‘cuz you airholed the Lord Commander. The fact this non-charismatic bastard actually got these dudes thinking he might have done the right thing tells me all I need to know about these spineless cats. Ain’t no honor here, man. Night’s Watch basically the DNC in 2016.

The last of the loyalists got their blood up, but Davos is like, um, I’m mad too, but I ain’t trying to commit suicide, fam. Let’s think this shit through.

At Winterfell, Ramsay is also mourning “she who smells like dog.” So… not that your boy’s acting was bad, and not that I can’t believe that Ramsay would be genuinely sad that the girl he was banging but constantly telling wasn’t shit — or at least wasn’t shit next to Sansa — got tossed off a 6-story catwalk. What I’m saying is, *I* don’t give a fuck. Ramsay is Satan, bruh. And not like, he lost his love and became Satan as a result. As in, he was on vacation from hell when his boo happened get the sudden stop on the stone floor. Ain’t nobody out here droppin’ my well-earned thug tears for this shit, man.

Roose confirms that Stannis is dead and said that he would reward the “man” that gave the killing blow…

Then Roose is like, defeating Stannis was a good victory. Also, defeating Stannis wasn’t shit and you should feel fucking ashamed. Roose be the king of mixed signals, fam. Can you imagine if Roose was your driving instructor?

Roose: That’s a good job with your maneuverability test. You didn’t hit one cone. I’m genuinely impressed.

You: Thanks I’ve been prac–

Roose: You also hit a fire hydrant, sideswiped a child in a wheel chair and t-boned your own mother’s car who is currently on her way to the emergency room. So… 83%. Good job. Maybe.

Theon “don’t call me Reek or ask where the rest of my fingers are” Greyjoy and Sansa are running for their lives through the snow. Look man, I know these cats ain’t exactly been training for the Brooklyn Half Marathon or anything, but this “escaping” shit is pathetic. Had they not invented adrenaline yet? What link a Maester gotta get on his chain for that shit to come back to the world like fuckin’ dragons? Sansa spent all that time in the tower and ain’t been watching nary an episode of Underground ‘cuz she ain’t inspired by survival enough. Seriously, if we recast Jurnee Smollett-Bell as Sansa right now, who says no to that?! Sansa can’t even cross the cold water to save her life, fam? My folks that endure Minnesota winters every year probably rolled their eyes hard enough to fuck up their TV reception at that shit. There’s some hot cocoa on the other side Sansa, your ass gonna be aiight.

Well, the dogs and the bloodhounds they’re using catch up to these cats looks grim until DARK KNIGHT BRIENNE COMES THROUGH WITH THE BATMOBILE HUMMIN’ LIKE IT JUST GOT A FRESH OIL CHANGE MY GAWD I’VE BEEN READY FOR BRIENNE TO GET BACK ON THIS MURDA MUZIK.

She start takin’ out these flayed bastards one by one, even when she gets knocked from her horse. But yo, like Samson’s hair, Brienne’s strength is in her ground game. Why this dude want to jump off his horse and fuck with Hollywood Cole in the snow, I’ll never know. And neither will he since he lasted about 6 seconds once Brienne got her shit back together. Her apprentice however, Nightwing Podrick, he ain’t got his access to the Batcave yet. He still strugglin’. Ain’t really his fault though, since Brienne had your boy chillin’ in the tower like fucking Rapunzel all autumn. Frank Ocean almost released another album before Podrick got some run. Actually, no. No he didn’t. I’m sorry, that was irresponsible of me.

Pod takes one cat out, but this dude Theon, who might have had his own sword removed at some point, picks one up off the ground and finishes Pod’s attacker.

So Brienne gets one in the plus column and one in the minus.

[icon_check]First off, props to Brienne for not being smug about this shit with Sansa. She better than me. Conversation with me would’ve been like, “Oh… you uh, did you need somethin’? Something I can assist your punk ass with? Oh, you lost your Maleficent outfit and walked through some lukewarm water and now you want my help?” But Brienne is good peoples. She ain’t (emotionally) savage like your boy. I mean, her sword is literally called Oathkeeper.

[icon_x]On the other hand, Brienne, my Lady of Tarth, my beautiful warrior, you gotta learn your fuckin’ lesson. This I-pledge-my-life-to-you shit is getting out of hand. Brienne may very well be cursed by Lil Based God. Every time she swear an oath or take a job, someone gets fucking merked or reaches their destination minus their bowling hand. Brienne should’ve just been like, Sansa, where you headed? Oh further North? No shit, me too. What a coincidence! I was gonna go to see your brother JON AT CASTLE BLACK, oh my god, I can’t believe we said that at the same time, JINX! But seriously, why don’t we just hang out since we’re headed the same way? Besties on a road trip!

A ship from Dorne is on its way to King’s Landing, and fam, when has anything ever coming to King’s Landing meant good news? Cersei up in the chamber rubbing her short hair like it’s gonna make that shit grow back quicker. Naw boo… you gonna have to wait that shit out. She might as well pat her head like sistas who just got their hair done, but the shit is itching and she don’t want to mess that shit up by scratching (look yo, I don’t mind telling you all a few bits of insider Black culture, but I still can’t tell y’all about “Becky.” Y’all gonna have to do that research on your own).

So… Cersei looked happy for the first time since, what, season 1? But that shit fades because her only daughter lost at Clue when she was killed by Mrs. Snakes with the poison in the boat. Jaime tries to comfort her and tell her that they will take everything back and more… but… Jaime hasn’t actually been successful at anything since he “successfully” pushed a boy from a tower. Jaime, I appreciate you and all but… you need more people.

Somebody tell me why Margaery still in a gotdamn cell? How Sway? If I get accused of treason by someone, I claim they’re a liar, then that person gets locked up and punished for treason, WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL DOING A BID? Bernie Sanders want to address prison reform? Well the Black Cells need some love from the Gentleman from Vermont. This some ole bullshit. High Sparrow finally comes in to see if she is willing to confess to something.

High Sparrow: Do you believe that you are pure? That you are perfect?
Margaery: [confused] Um… you can still see me right? Did you really want me to answer that?

Back in Dorne, which up to this point has been the most beautifully lame place in the world, Ellaria is helping Doran into his chair as they talk about the differing roles between him and his brother. An emissary brings them a message saying that Myrcella Baratheon is dead. But that shit might as well have been Drake’s mixtape cover, ‘cuz bruh, if you reading this shit it’s already too late.

The coup is full blown as one of the Sand Snakes stabs Speaking Black Man #1 in the back and Ellaria gives Doran that shot to the heart, no chaser. Fam, she must have held that knife in Doran’s chest until the Sand Snakes became interesting. They really out here on their Make Dorne Great Again shit. I mean, it looks like SOMEBODY watched Lemonade this past weekend. The Knowles women might actually be the original Sand Snakes if we keepin’ it One Hunned.

I ain’t got shit to say about Trystan Martell or Trystan Martell’s chest hair except this dumb ass turned his back on a Sand Snake with a spear. Which is like expecting life to be normal after having an affair on your wife when your wife is the most famous pop star in the world and can summon her own Black Woman Unsullied army by saying “Dracarys” or “Formation” at a moment’s notice.

In Meereen, Tyrion and Varys are walkin’ the beat, trying to look common and shit, but Tyrion walks with the confidence of a cop accused of killing an unarmed Black person and knows he’s going home at the end of the night. Varys tried to clown him, acting like, when he was younger, he would’ve told Tyrion to run the jewels. But then Tyrion like, something, something, something, your penis got chopped off and there really isn’t a better come back than that, so there.

They’re discussing how to find whoever is leading the Sons of the Harpy, but that shit might be sidetracked, ‘cuz these dudes literally burned every gotdamn boat in the harbor. It’s like that that scene in Bronx Tale when Sonny asked the biker assholes to leave the bar and they keep being assholes, so then he locks the door and drops that, “Now youse can’t leave.” Yeah, Harpies basically just locked the door to the bar on these cats and let them know they might not make it up out this piece.

Jorah and Daario are searching for Daenerys and following the trail of burnt goat skulls. Daario is throwing shade at Jorah about Daenerys not wanting him. Look, Daario, I know you feelin’ good about yourself ‘cuz you been inside the queen recently, but not only were you not present when Grey Worm and Ser Barriston the Bold got needle-worked, he was also head of security when the Harpy fucks flooded the coliseum. That’s like the Washington Professional Football Team has a home game and the stands are 65% Cowboys fans. So Daario can kindly shut the fuck up, fam. If Jorah is the guy that does his job, Daario must be the other one.

Speaking of terrible muthafuckas… these dudes slave driving Daenerys are fucking terrible. Like, of course they are. I mean, Dothraki already some rough dudes, but these muthafuckas are like the Saviors from The Wolves from The Walking Dead kind of terrible. Also, look, I get it, blonde/white haired white girl, looking like she sweats privilege, but even out here, why we assuming cats can’t speak Dothraki?

Once they bring her before the Khal, dude is literally ready to unwrap her without consent, when she hits him with the illest bars east of the Narrow Sea.

I am Daenerys Stormborn, of House Targaryan
the first of her Name, The Unburnt,
Queen of Meereen,
Queen of the Andals and the Rhoynar and the First Men,
Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea
Breaker of Chains and the Mother of Dragons

GOTDAMN, WHO READS THEIR RESUME LIKE DAENERYS, YO?! Her business cards must be a fuckin’ postcard, fam. Of course, Khal Moro just laughs at her until she name drops that she’s the widow of Khal Drogo and this muthafucka sobers up real quick like he just crossed a DUI checkpoint. As a poet I’m very fond of when Anna Wiese once said, “I’m glad that after five minutes of me expressing my disinterest you finally found a man in the conversation, someone whose wishes you deem worthy of your respect.” Moro backpedalling like a fucking cornerback now. He cuts her free, and Daenarys is like, bet. Now, let me book this jet and get back to Meereen. But instead they’re like, yeah, so, Khal widow, you actually have to go live in a temple for the rest of your life. Guess in that long ass list of titles, I didn’t hear Dothraki Scholar, huh?

Man, Arya is for real fuckin’ blind, man. Like, this shit really got me fucked up right now. She out here on the corner begging for some mutton and can’t see shiiiiiiit.

Then Bobcut finally comes up with the the bo staffs. Then proceeds to BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTER RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GOTDAMN STREET. Fam, I need a minute. Arya might become Daredevil some day, but right now, she just fuckin’ blind teenage girl getting the brakes beat off of her before her and her many-faced god.

Finally back to The Wall and Simple Alliser is trying to convince these cats to come out and play, like everything is OK. Naw, b. We are very fucking far from OK. Davos gives him the “No, that’s okay, we don’t want to buy any magazine subscriptions today but perhaps come back later” talk. Naw, they know ain’t no parlay to this shit, they open that door, everybody getting a blade in the guts. Shit looks hopeless, but Davos tells them that Melisandre might have some old magic for them. Or some tricks up her sleeves. Or she might break out some old school gangsta shit on him. Like that throwback spell-weaving. Like…

Look yo, all I know is that my boy Jon Snow still ice cold stunna on a table, but Melisandre up in here sulking, getting naked, takes the off her charm and became the witch from Hansel and Gretel. Melisandre is like 642 years old. FAM! How, Sway? No wonder she believes so much in the Lord of Light, she was there when this muthafucka was born, man. Nah, b, Dorothy didn’t put up with Blanche, Rose, and momma Sophia so that you could be up in here bucked naked wearing skin from the Paleolithic Era. Is she like the original Medicare patient? Pray to god I never take off this Fitbit and look 500 years older, man. Things are as bad and as old as they’ve ever been, fam.

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