Last season blew the hinges off what we’ve come to expect from Game of Thrones. No more “formula” to follow, no more insults from Throne Tyrants shouting “that didn’t happen in the books!”, no more adaptation. All that remains is a straight-up Usain Bolt 100-yard-dash to the finish line. Pure adrenaline-filled, unadulterated HBO programming at its absolute finest. No brakes were installed on the season 6 European muscle car, but this upcoming season 7? They bout to throw some turbo in that mu’fucka and ice it out with 20-inch gun-metal Rosie the Riveter Sprewells!! Yeah, I said Rosie the Riveter Sprewells.

Season 6 Highlights

Jon Snow’s Resurrection

When you start the season off with the most anticipated and hotly debated resurrection since God’s son, you positioning yourself for greatness in the long run. Jon Snow is dat dude. No other way robot it. He embodies everything we want from a human in this world; noble, just, highly skilled, hot (all of my female friends would’ve castrated me if I left that one off) and an all-around badass. Carice van Houten, who plays Melisandre acted her ass off in that scene. She seriously looked defeated. A boy was killed and a man rose up from that table, gasping for air, confused about what in the Seven just went down, but conscientious enough to lay down the law of Old Gods and deliver justice to those craven ass Judas scumbags…especially Olly…Fuck that kid.

Zombie Mountain Ser Gregor Clegane

Na fam. How your most brolic warrior in the whole world die then get brought back as a silent stalking agent of death and revenge for the most ruthless and power hungry blonde bombshell in Westeros? Reporting live from the gutter of Flea Bottom, pulverizing the back of cat’s heads like a smashing pumpkins Halloween spectacular.

Battle of the Bastards

This battle was Every. Fucking. Thing!! From the clear and present danger of having infinitely less trained soldiers, to the stampeding assault of the Bolton forces, this battle was going to be a gruesome one by any means. We all remember the insane swordsmanship of Jon Snow as he was pummeled by one attacker after the next, slashing men on horseback one after the next, then seeing him crawl out of that pit of decaying bodies?! So insanely tough. BUT it was the strategic prowess of his little sister Sansa Stark, that ultimately bodied the Bolton forces into submission. Which brings me to…

Year of the Queen

Anybody notice that each of those seasons 6 events were made possible because of a woman? Melisandre brings Jon back. Cersei orders Qyburn to work on Gregor Clegane. Sansa gets the reinforcements.

Cersei the Mad Queen

Alright, we all know the deal right? Most beautiful woman in the realm marries King, becomes Queen, bears 3 healthy children to grow up and become Kings and Queens in their own right. Harrowing prophecy comes true and said Queen Mother loses every single child to 3 separate gruesome fates, each arguably worse than death. Oh y’all thought Cersei, The Epitomy of Petty, Lannister was gonna take that shit lightly? Sitting down with her silk gloves on her lap, sippin chamomile tea, as the Sparrows and Kings Landing vultures swoop in on that Iron Throne? NAH fam. She gon find a trove of wildfire (left behind by a previous Mad Ruler) and set up every power player in the mufuckin realm so she can Timothy McVeigh AYEBODY up in there!! Whole Terrell lineage murked (*winks at Lady Olenna*). High Sparrow and his minions vanquished. Yo. Cersei said, if my kids can’t have the top spot by rights, Imma snatch that shit up by unmatched force. Try me fam. As Jamie watches his love descend into madness… Ladies and gentlemen I now present to you, Cersei of House Lannister, first of her psycho, Mad Queen of Kings Landing. That’s it. Maybe Casterly Rock, but even that’s a stretch. Season 7 is about to see some of the wildest shit in television history. I have a feeling the popular theory of Jamie murdering Cersei will indeed come true, after she deads him for Euron Greyjoy’s salty demeanor. We’ll see how long the first Queen in centuries holds down the Iron Throne.

A Girl Has a Name. A Girl’s Name is Arya of House Stark.

Ayo shout out to Arya Stark! The spunky spark of life turned killing machine ain’t never conformed to societal standards and we’re here for every second of it!!! She’s fought, trained, and clawed her way out of sure death time after time. Arya is one of the my beloved characters in the show, for good reason. She’s basically an Andalite ninja.

Here’s to hoping she reunites with all the living Stark children and becomes the bounty hunter-mercenary of the team. Could you imagine half a season…or even 2 episodes of Nightcrawler Terminator sneaking into their enemies castles and massacring all their leaders, causing chaos, and allowing the Children of the North to exact revenge?! It could happen… I don’t think anyone really believes Arya will become any sort of Queen in season 7, and she doesn’t need to. Just keep doing what you’re doing. That Frey pie scene was insanely satisfying. Kudos kid. Kudos.

Khaleesi the Conqueror

What more badass shit can this woman possibly do? She been captured by a tribe a jabronis barbarians and sellswords but managed to make it out unscathed, burned down the Westeros Ringling Bros. Circus, and brought the entire brown world to their knees. Again. Now she has her eyes set on Westeros as the rightful heir to the Iron Throne. With Tyrion by her side, three dragons raining hellfire from above and wooden horses ships to cross the high seas, I don’t see this series going any other way. But then again, this is George R.R. Martin we talmbout. My inner optimist expects Jon and Dany to meet and fall in love (ya know, the whole Fire & Ice thing) but……. *Looks up with a misty gaze*

I stopped believing in Thrones happy endings after Robb lost his child, wife and head which was then sewn onto the body of his direwolf, Grey Wind, and tossed around the Twins like a beach ball at Coachella.

So yea, doubtful the two fan favorites will wind up falling in love with each other and band together to fight the White Walkers after hitting Cersei with that Liu Kang fatality. One can dream though.

Sly, Slick, Seductive Sansa

Dark Horse alert!! If there is any money to be put on a surprise Queen by the end of Season 7, it’s Black Swan Sansa Stark. She has slowly but surely learned how to play the game of thrones, evident in her ability to convince Littlefinger to bring the Knights of the Vale to Jon’s rescue outside Winterfell. Sansa possesses all the intangibles. The Stark name, a well-informed confidante by her side, and the desire to be as honorable as her father and dutiful as her mother. If we’re keeping it a buck, Sansa is the Queen we deserve.

Season 7 premieres on July 16th baby!! Summer can’t come soon enough.

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