[quote_simple]”You know what I see? I see a man without a country. Not hard enough for this right here, and maybe — just maybe — not smart enough for them out there.” – Avon Barksdale.[/quote_simple]
So when I heard that the new James Bond author Anthony Horowitz said that Idris Elba was “too street” to play James Bond, I was like, naw bruh, don’t you remember what Avon the Street Gawd said? In one of the best scenes of one of the greatest TV shows to ever exist, Avon tells his long-time partner Stringer Bell (played by Idris Elba) that he wasn’t “street enough” for the game. And come on, Avon may have made some bad decisions when he was trying to hold onto his empire, but ain’t nobody in Baltimore rocking “Avon Barksdale was wrong” t-shirts. So, with all due respect Mr. Horowitz, Avon has spoken, and thus I assume you haven’t watched The Wire so you probably don’t know any better.
But wait a minute — if one believes Idris is too street, then one HAD to have seen The Wire, right!?!? I mean, if you’re going to make that argument then you had to have seen Idris rockin’ a gruff United States accent, using burner phones, ordering the death of a crew member, and then shacking up with said crew member’s baby moms (we have established that Stringer Bell was a straight up punk, right?). But I understand the disconnect: one man’s “ain’t hard enough for this” can be another man’s “too street.” It’s not like Mr. Horowitz and Avon are attending the same dinner table, just like a Republican candidate billionaire who is a presidential front-runner is to some people just a rich ass racist to me. See how that works?
But back to this “street” thing, I’m still confused, because I’m starting to suspect that Horowitz has never seen The Wire, similar to the fact that nobody I know reads James Bond. So how did Idris Elba become “street?” Daddy’s Little Girls, Pacific Rim, Luther, Mandela… Nelson F-Bomb Mandela, fam? (Gotta be respectable when talkin’ about the Gawd) Did Idris start out by reading some street lit on the corner in England? Did he roll with a Shakespeare troupe that performed in random pubs where all the main actors and actress were actually petty hustlers in rags and dirty trench coats (which I would watch, by the way)? I mean, I don’t know much about England, that shit might be huge there. Maybe it’s just by comparison: Idris ain’t really “street,” he’s just more “street” than we’re used to. Okay, that doesn’t make sense either, but it’s worth looking at the would-be predecessors.
If you want to talk street, then Daniel got some street cred. Ain’t that dude play a nameless thug in Layer Cake? Wasn’t he the dude in Road to Perdition who was the hopeless son of a big-time mob boss when he murdered like 5 people in two scenes, one of them being an innocent woman and child? Oh, oh, we not talking about Daniel Craig’s characters, but the actor himself. I guess that’s fair — Horowitz didn’t say Heimdall was too street to play Bond (but I say ALLOW IT). Fair. So Daniel Craig ain’t too street for Bond? I like Daniel Craig a lot, a whole lot, but dude looks like he might have buried some small animals up to their necks when he was going through an awkward phase in high school. Daniel Craig looks like he might have choked someone out one time when Arsenal lost to Liverpool, so I don’t know about that either. If someone told me that Daniel Craig could speak 7 languages and once saved a firefighter from a building, I’d probably believe it. If someone told me that all the footage from Defiance where he was mercilessly merkin’ Nazis in the woods was real, I’d probably believe that shit, too.
Bond so street he goes by 008 because it’s hard to tell time in the streets.
Bond so street he bought his suit at PJ on 12th and Livingston.
Bond so street his Walter PPK got an extra P in it cuz you know what they say about those street dudes.
Bond so street he’s got gadgets hidden in his doo-rag.
Bond so street, he drinks his martini shaken, flipped, turnt-up, and dropped down low, but not stirred.
Bond so street, all the white women love him before they even know he’s Bond.
Bond so street, he threw some D’s on the Aston Martin.
Bond so street, he’s good at Poker, but he’s better at Tonk.
But wait… y’all think Horowitz meant something else? Y’all don’t think when Horowitz said “street” he actually meant… negroid? No, no, nobody would dare say, aloud to a national outlet, that one of the best-known actors in the world was too Black to play a character, did he now? No blacking way. I can’t blacking believe that. Well, this black’s everything. I remember this woman back in the old black used to black us street, but I black that was because we used to play black in the street. Not because we were black. Well, that makes me pretty black. I black such high black. Black Horowitz, I was blacking for you. Why you gotta black me down like black. Black black black black black black black black black black black black black black. Nahmean?
Our esteemed author, with a doctorate in street has since apologized. Uh-huh, get the black outta here with that.