Season: 1 / Episode: 5 / AMC
“Running through the Badlands with my woes
You know how that should go
You know how that should go
You know how that should go
Don’t fuck with them barons,
They too irrational, woah”
Maybe ya’ll think that MK is basically the Phoenix force waiting to ascend because even Sunny losing sleep over sun. I choose to think that maybe Sunny would be a garbage collector in the real world, cuz he dreamin’ about straight trash. Of course, everything is better, even waking up in cold sweats, when Veil Da Fictional Bae rises up out the perfect white sheets like 1/3 of the Holy Trinity. She too pure for this world, yo.
In the pits, MK out here training and Sunny acting like he never met dude before and tries to super-strut by him.
MK don’t really know what consent means and pursues Sunny until Sunny tells him that he could’ve killed Tilda at the parley but didn’t. MK is like: “I did what? What parley? Wait, what day is it?” Sunny thought maybe they made some progress because Sunny might be controlling his power.
Just got lucky. I feel like that is the defining characteristic of MK’s existence at this point.
Widow out here addressing her new constituents ever since she got the statehouse majority on the ground and led the redistricting effort to take Quinn’s
slaves sword fodder people. She basically like, “If you tired of Barons dancing in the poppy fields you slaving in, come to Death Row.” And then, because she’s a smart politician, she picks the only Black Dude first to welcome for the public spectacle and promotion. This is her Hillary Clinton whips the Nae Nae moment, fam.
Quinn choppin’ up strategy with still Baroness, still undefeated champion Lydia. Look, Lydia ain’t going no damn where yo. She straight up on her Wallace, “This is me, yo” type shit.
Especially when Jade comes in and starts talking this educating the cogs madness. Madness that actually giving education and basic human dignity to those in service of you might actually yield loyal and faithful results. Wait, the hell just happened, I was on team Lydia like 12 seconds ago? Damnit. I will not give into Just Jade from the Block so easily.
MK is waiting outside the estate for Sunny when Ryder, his scarred up face, and his clang-foot approaches him. Ryder makes a quick jab about Widow looking for him earlier and is about to leave when MK grows yet another pair of too big for him cajones and asks Ryder to give his pendant back.
MK: It was stolen from me first.
Fam, we’ve known half a hundred times already that Ryder ain’t ready for prime time, but this clinched that shit right here. How Ryder gonna let the waste (all credit due to Greg Rucka and Lazarus for this appropriate term) talk to him this kind of way? Are you fucking kidding me? I don’t let my employees talk to me like that and I got a regular 9 to 5. If my pops was Baron? SHEEEEEIIIITTTT. I would’ve thrown MK the fade repeatedly until I needed rotator cuff surgery. Well, as long as I didn’t make dude bleed. But I/Ryder wouldn’t have known that!
Ryder presses MK on the design of the pendant and when MK says he doesn’t know, Ryder calls him a bad liar. If MK was bout that life, he would’ve replied with, “Bruh, you’re bad at everything.”
Baron Quinn addressing the Kobra Kai from the balcony with Lydia and Jade flanking him. He starts telling his clipper force that he needs them working the field, but suddenly comes down with a case of brain tumor. Dude got the permanent chalkboard scratching going on in his head. Because the Baron is in fact, a now privileged cat going through a mid-life crisis, when he falls apart, he falls towards the veteran wife. You know, there’s a hilarious, yet vulgar reference to be made here, so I’ll just let Chris Rock do his thing.
Baron tells Jade to lead them as Lydia shuffles him away, which is like having an affair with an intern with average work ethic, promoting them to an empty position, then in the middle of a staff meeting, telling them to give out the fiscal agenda for 2016 because you got food poisoning and had to run to the bathroom.
Out in the woods, Sunny and the small wetwork crew looking for a trail to the widow. MK out here RUNNIN’ HIS GOTDAMN MOUTH! I SAY GOTDAMN MAN. He says to Sunny that he’s sure he’s worried because Veil is pregnant. FAM.
(yes, it was half off at the DiCaprio gif shop)
MK “empathizes” with Sunny because he’s sure there’s been people he’s wanted to kill and couldn’t like. MK.
Sunny: It’s crossed my mind. Repeatedly. As in, right the fuck now.
Turns out that the Widow wasn’t really trying to get the Black vote with her hospitality, but was really just bringing boys up to the house to cut them and see if they turn into a Tekken 6 character. Beware White Women politicians that want your vote/loyalty, fam. Tilda asking her ma dukes about this mysterious boy, especially since she saw MK got the darkness up close. Tilda tries to deflect Widow asking her about MK and the fact that she saw them kissing.
Patriarchy just ain’t gonna flourish in The Widow’s garden fam. That’s the platform she should run on. Not this random, cutting random Black boys palms, type of shit.
Ryder comes and visits Waldo and we learn that Waldo is the one who saved Ryder from the Nomads and that he was cast aside by Quinn when he lost the use of his legs. Ryder out here looking for loyalty and Waldo claims he’s going where the wind blows. But he also warns Ryder about who he allies himself with. Ryder shows Waldo the pendant and Waldo says he needs to go holla at his grandpa, the preacher Penrith.
This dude Bale, the colt for Petri talkin’ that shit about hunting some butterflies to get his first tat. I know his name is Bale, not because he’s at all memorable, but because the closed captions on the TV told me so. Second, this dude talking about “if he gotta kill some girls, so be it.” In other words, yeah, we’re hoping you run into some butterflies too, Bale.
MK sees a clue and start to walk towards it, but Sunny stops him. Basically, MK was about to walk these dudes into the fucking Temple of Doom trap scenario. No treasure, just damn near severed limbs. Petri gets the bear trap treatement and his leg lookin like some drywall when they start taking the sledgehammers to the walls on Bath Crashers.
At the Fort, Jade gotta be wearing the nicest apron for a field hand ever as she teaches the clippers how to harvest. Lydia comes out there saying she wants to help…
Veil Da Fictional Bae is treating Quinn, starting some experimental IV treatment and Quinn, despite his brain almost exploding 20 minutes earlier, must be feeling invincible to be talking to Veil any kind of way. He trying to provoke her, but Veil is FED UP.
Veil talking to Quinn any kind of way and I don’t blame her, not like Quinn can afford to kill the second best medic in the Badlands. Of course, cuz Quinn is fucking terrible, he tells Veil that Sunny killed her parents.
Ryder finally comes upon his Grandpa in the woods, who looks like he’s been the unofficial king of O Brother Where Art Though. When I say this dude got a flock, he got a muthafuckin flock. Folks livin’ straight off the land, in white linens and no shoes. I mean, you could say he’s a devout man of faith or running a highly efficient cult, I’ll let you decide. He sees Ryder and is basically like, “you was fucked up when your mother brought you here before. You taller, but you STILL looked fucked up, fam.” Turns out, Grandpops never liked Quinn, especially since Quinn refused to pay the ransom to the nomads to bring Ryder home. Ryder shows G-pop the pendant and he tells Ryder its Azra, a fairytale for cogs that doesn’t really exist. G-pop tries to convince Ryder to take a different path with him among the flock, but it sounds like G-pop done ordered the code red on SOMEBODY in the fort.
Tilda sneaks into Sunny’s camp while everyone but MK sleeps. She takes MK aside and talks to him like SUNNY DA GAWD AIN’T 10 FEET AWAY. Come on fam. Ninjas don’t sleep yo. He knew you were here like 2 hours ago. Tilda tells MK that he’s dying little by little from using his power and they finally start talking about running away together. What kind of bastard Romeo and Juliet shit is this? Before they can make their move, Sunny makes himself known and gives Tilda the five finger palm crush to the chest.
Sunny is like, “how long THIS bullshit been going on? MK, you know you way too dark for Tilda to try and take you home to meet her mom.” MK tells Sunny that apparently, Tilda is like his true love or some shit and he only stopped his murderdeathkill rage because of her. Um. Ok. What’s his name, dude I forgot already cuz I turned the captions off, comes up to see what’s good and Sunny puts on an act like he’s got to take Widow back to the Fort for interrogation. Fuckboy number one tries to get all hardcore and of course gotta call our girl Tilda a bitch….
Fuckboy screaming cuz his hearing potency just took a 50%, Tilda spit his ear out into the field like it was some gotdamn sunflower seeds.
Jade is tending to Lydia’s hands, which are swollen from working the poppy fields all day. Then Jade hit her with the Back to Back.
“For a woman who’s never worked a day in her life, you did pretty well.”
Lydia can’t even come back from that, she just had to take that shit.
Widow and her crew come upon Tilda’s cloak with an armadillo sword nailing it to a tree. Widow actually shows some human emotion and plans to go get her daughter.
Back at the Fort, Lydia waits for Quinn to wake up and gives him the ominous “It will always be just you and I” speech. Like dude ain’t engaged right the Black now. She leaves when Sunny enters the room and gives the update on catching Tilda. Quinn tells Sunny to give Tilda the Abu Ghraib treatment if necessary. Then he tells Sunny to stop seeing Veil to make things less complicated. And obviously, Quinn ain’t a TV exec because Sunny and Veil is like 60% of the reason we watch this show each week.
Sunny comes down to the dungeons to put the screws to Tilda. He straps her in what looks like it’s called a “Device with which one tortures.” Things are as bad as they’ve ever been fam.
Jade brings Quinn some porridge and Quinn proceeds to tell this mad problematic story about how he remembers the moment Jade had become a “woman.” Cuz…he was there when she was just a child. Like 3 years ago or some shit. Then Jade falls over and starts spitting up that milk of magnesia and you know somewhere, Lydia is like…
Down in the dungeon, Sunny getting ready to pick a torgure device, but don’t call me Black Widow is in the MUTHAFUCKIN BUILDING.
Sun. SUN. SUNNNNN!!! This fight the type of shit that have cats waiting around the block like the new J’s about to drop. This the type of shit that make you forget where you are and now you late for a date or some shit. This the type of shit that have you practicing karate moves in the garage like George Michael.
They out here throwin dem thangs, fam!!! I know we gotta get at least one more Widow Sunny fight in the finale cuz this shit was “Jamaal I fades them all” type of tough. Especially when they went Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon by grabbing the weapons off the wall? Man Listen…
You know how we do the Top 5 Dead of Alive on the site? Yo, I might have a Widow Top 5 comin’. I mean, I don’t even know if Badlands got a legit five hard muthafuckas to choose from, but if this shit last 10 seasons and they introduce 15 new clippers, she STILL gonna be Top 5. She just goes way too hard in the paint.
…so this is me, basically, trying to bask in the glow of this awesome fight and ignore the ludicrious MK/Tilda/Dude who’s name I forgot triangle happening while Sunny and Widow spitting the god flow in the room over. Basically, MK gets Tilda free, Tilda (who we know is a legit badass) starts attacking Mr Forgettable, somehow MK gets locked in the cell, somehow, Mr Forgettable starts kicking the shit out of Tilda, you know, the same one that broke a grown nomad’s neck in like 7 seconds. MK feels he has no choice left, cuts himself and then hits Fuckboy with the force push Darth Maul got Obi Wan with in Phantom Menace.
I mean, I had suspended my disbelief that cutting a man could turn him into Hellboy temporarily, but we out here doing magical projectiles and shit? Aiight then. That ends the fight and gives Widow time to escape from Sunny’s deathblow. If you’re scoring at home, MK’s audition to be a character on a 2D fighter not only killed another colt, but allowed both the Widow and Tilda to get away. And you know Quinn seen the whole damn thing. With his creepin’ ass.