Into The Badlands Recap: Two Tigers Subdue Dragons

Season: 1 / Episode: 4 / AMC

And you say Clipp City!

Start off with a woman running through the woods frantically, like she’s trying to escape something. By which you know something is fucked up because being on foot in the Badlands is like getting out of the car in Mad Max: Fury Road. Just generally not a good fucking idea. Woman flags down a car for help, but it’s a set-up as Tilda distracts the drivers while the rest of Widow’s hit squad releases the custom made ninja stars that look like monarch butterflies flutes on ’em.

Widow come out of the woods, in 6-inch high-heeled boots no less, and brings one of Baron Quinn’s clippers out to set up the heist like Quinn killed these cats. Tilda might have some reservations about them starting a war and shit, but she didn’t exactly step in before dude’s head gotten taken off of his shoulders and returned to the earth.

Sunny on top of the wall training MK but it’s a struggle. Hey, the goal is to be less useless than you were the day before, right MK? Quinn comes up to discuss the coming war and his dealings with Baron Jackobee. Quinn gives Sunny that you-got-my-back look and Sunny is like…yeah, I guess, provided nothing better comes up. Then I got your back like a muthafucka, Baron.

At the Widow’s fallout shelter, her hitters, which I’m referring to as the Widow’s Peak, (y’all just gonna have to live with that shit) are discovering all kinds of old shit. Like, shit so old, it’s old to us in present day, fam. One of them comes upon a record player and they start rocking out to an old ’45. Sadly, it seems that rhythm was lost in the great war too. Widow comes in pissed off because when you are trying to organize a war and chaos, then you can’t afford to let your army smile once in a gotdamn while. But Tilda, b. Naw, She is fed the fuck up. She is realizing that that ma dukes might be on that bullshit when it comes to how noble her cause is. Then Widow gonna guilt trip her daughter by alluding that Pops was a piece of shit that may have abused her and of course, the Widow saved her from that. Widow is like, it’s a cold war, Tilda and I’ll protect you… but watch your gotdamn mouth when you disrespecting Da Gawd in front of her disciples.

It’s nighttime at The Fort and we know it’s night because the camera focuses on the moon for like 20 seconds and mosquitos are playing a damn concert in the surround sound. MK out here working on his moves and getting hella sweaty, shirtless. Dude look like an extra in A Time to Kill the way they doused him with the spray bottle.

He thinks about cutting himself to unleash the beast while Sunny looks on…but MK is pretty boring, so of course he doesn’t.

Jade going over the delicatessen being brought through the crib in prep for her wedding to Quinn. She’s also still on this, “I’m just Jade from the block” bullshit while still commanding muthafuckas around. She start badmouthing traditions and Lydia is like, “this bish.”

Then Jade says the most nonsensical shit that’s she’s said so far which is setting the bar pretty fucking high.

“You never had a daughter. I’ve never had a mother. Maybe if we saw ourselves more like that rather than as rivals, maybe it would help us survive this.”

Wait. Wait. Wait. So, I perhaps if I believed that the young woman marrying my husband, the one that my husband penetrated in the room next to my dying son while I had no choice but to listen, was actually more like my daughter, THAT WOULD MAKE SHIT BETTER?!?!

If Lydia got up and grabbed a sword and delivered the edged fade to Jade right then and there, I think Quinn would have to hear her out on this shit. That would’ve been justified. But perhaps even better was Lydia’s real comeback in which she let Jade know that she knows Jade been sampling both generations of the gene pool. I mean, Jade can’t hold on to her head that much longer, right?

We get our first appearance this episode of Veil Da Fictional Bae as she is treating Quinn. She’s come up with a “plan” to give Quinn some potion that will slow the growth of the tumor. Hard to tell if she is for real or playing the long game of giving Quinn a slow death. Another person that wants Quinn dead would throw the Badlands into chaos, but…

Sunny takes MK out to the middle of nowhere so MK can get some room for his ego to breathe. Sunny wants to cut MK to see what they are dealing with. He hits MK with the sword one time and MK unleashes his super from Street Fighter Turbo. He hits Sunny with the flicka da wrist one time and sends him flying into a conveniently placed stack of bricks about 10 feet away. Of course, no follow up attacks because MK faints like he walked through a cloud of chloroform.

Sunny wakes up with probably a concussion and a half. MK still out cuz…of course he is. MK can’t remember anything when he goes Nova like that and Sunny tells him to try and focus on something specific. A good suggestion would be the mantra: “I’m MK and I’m straight up trash. I’m MK and I’m straight up trash.”

Quinn and Ryder discussing the head that got sent them saying that Jackobee thinks Quinn hit his transport. Quinn knows the Widow behind all this shit, even if Ryder too slow to catch this shit. Quinn tells his only begotten son to ride out and meet Jackobee’s people to set up the parley but Ryder be like…yo, there’s quicker ways to kill me, Pops.

Quinn starts taunting Ryder cuz he knows his son got feelings for Jade. Which leads to this made-for-cable exchange.

[quote_simple]Quinn: Must be hard, thinking of her as a new mother.

Ryder: I don’t think of her like that. She’s nothing like mother.

Quinn: No, she’s not. Especially the way she tastes.[/quote_simple]

But Ryder got a plan, so he decides he will go out there, but he doesn’t want any back-up clippers, aka witnesses to the foul shit he got in mind.

Look yo, there’s a little too much MK alone up in Veil’s place of residence for my comfort. This clumsy bastard gonna trip on some steps, bite his lip, and end up doing some horrible shit in bae’s home. I CANNOT ABIDE THAT. Sunny pissed that MK stole the book from his room because he supposed to know how to get out of the Badlands already. Veil drops the science on Sunny that Quinn has a brain tumor and that she can end his life sooner if that’s the play.

Ryder is chilling at the meet spot as the Jacobee’s crew led by Zypher come upon him in the woods. Ryder tries to negotiate hard with her, but she ain’t buyin’. Of course, Ryder got something else in mind, and Zypher look like she all about that base and that betrayal. No treble.

Flashback to Ryder’s most promising moment.

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Sunny goes and visits Waldo the Handicapable Gawd and expresses his doubts about staying in the Badlands. Waldo seen the jig coming a mile away and figured out your boy Sunny went and fell in love. He gives Sunny (who he calls Sunshine, which is awesome) a literal little plastic army man as a token to give the River King aka Frank Sobotka that runs the docks. That’s his way out if he’s still trying to escape.

Up in Quinn’s residence, Ryder comes to see Jade and Jade is like, fam, this has been cool and you got a decent jawline and shit, but I’m about to be a baroness and I ain’t got time to come down with a sudden case of stabbing in my sleep over you. Ryder brings up Beatrice, the wife that preceded Jade saying that she didn’t just up and die for no reason. He tells Jade not to be naive, but that’s like telling Batman he shouldn’t go out at night.

That of course prompts her to go talk to the handmaiden that was there when Beatrice caught that good, don’t wake me, you couldn’t if you wanted to, sleep. She says that she saw the Baroness gather up that straight cyanide in the poppy fields before Beatrice caught the fade.

Down in the pits, Sunny come through selecting scouts for the parlee with Jacobee. He chooses a bunch of dudes not named MK, because…MK.

The meet is in a cemetery…of course it is. Quinn and the Clippas (great cover band name) checking the spot out as Sunny finds MK snooping around. Fucking MK man. This cat rivaling Spike Lee putting himself in all of his films for most annoying shit you just gotta live with to get some entertainment, right now. Zephyr and the Jacobee crew are waiting for the meet. We finally meet Jacobsen, who is Black (go figure) and rocking a Gumby (extra points). Jacobee calling the Baron out on a personal vendetta with the Widow on the fact that he still claimed her oil fields. Basically, Jacobee ain’t buyin’ anything Quinn and his unkempt eyebrows are selling. Then Jacobee goes in on him like, my father didn’t think you were shit. I don’t think you shit either.
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MK sees Tilda comin’ up posing as a mourner when really she got a trademark spade of the Jacobee crew and tries to kill Quinn with it…from about 100 feet away…I mean, sure, I’m still here for it. Of course this causes all out mayhem and we start getting some of that good steel on steel action. Jacobee can handle the sword too as he goes head up against Quinn and I imagine this is what every White dude that considers Black men a threat by default pictures in his head.

Sunny is trying to pursue the agitator when he’s stopped by Zephyr and they starting throwing (swinging) them thangs.

MK catches up to the assailant and realizes it’s Tilda. MK is like, ya mom ain’t shit. Tilda is like…

Yes, MK looks better than he once did, but Tilda still gives him the work. She hits him with a throwing star which nicks MK in the neck.

MK is straight up Eren Jaeger in his Titan form and starts going after Tilda. She holds her own for a minute, but MK got her in the “I could crush your neck with a flicka da wrist whenever I want” grip. She somehow gets through to him calling out his name and makes him relent. I guess ain’t nobody ever told dude to stop before.

Quinn is trapped between Jacobee and Zephyr before Sunny shows up with the throwing butterfly that Tilda tossed at him to get away. Convinced this has all been a set-up by the Widow, Jacobee and Zephyr bounce…like 30 people ain’t just get murked 10 minutes ago. Shit is just savage out here, yo.

Quinn and the Clipps get back to the Fort and this shit lookin’ like a fuckin’ slaughter. Ayebody dead in this muthafucka. This is probably why they need sword control in the Badlands. I can’t imagine how many folks gotta get diced up by a sword for nothing before the Barons put their heads together and finally find a way to take swords out of irresponsible people’s hands. Widow made a sweetheart deal to those who would be loyal to her and killed everybody else…and then, left, I guess. I dunno, didn’t make sense on a second viewing either.

Ryder is supposed to be in a secret meeting with Jacobee, but Zephyr actually brought him to see Widow. Man, we knew Zephyr wasn’t shit, yo. Can you name any trustworthy people whose name starts with a Z? I mean, Zola, maybe, but that’s about it. The Widow out here wearing the 2016 line from the Breathtaking in the Badlands collection. Her dress looking like straight smoke strands and abundant confidence. The deal is that Zephyr wants to take the Baron title from Jacobee and Ryder gets to take his father’s spot. But all the Widow wants is MK. Fam, please don’t tell me that Widow is stoking this war for fucking MK, the greatest lame of our generation. This some Helen of Troy type shit if only Helen was more useless.

Sunny goes to see The River King about getting out. River King think Sunny ain’t shit, but he respecting Waldo, so he makes him a deal. A month ago, 28 cogs came on a shipment, but all of them got slaughtered on the way there. Turns out, it was MK, who must have gotten a nosebleed, or bumped his head on the wall when the ship was rocking or some shit. River King wants his head delivered to him and then he’ll give him passage. I mean, it seems like a difficult decision but…

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  • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

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