Season 2 / Episode 9 / The CW
And you say Central Ci- Whoa what the fuck is going on in Star Labs? It looks Wells must have challenged Zoom to a race or owed him money cause my man is running like his white and male privilege is on the line at the finish line while Zoom flys by him ON THE DAMN WALL like he doing the wall ride from Tony Hawk 2.
Wells makes it to a lab just in time to barrel roll with the pump action choppa tho. Wells reenacting scenes from The Last Action Hero until Zoom got’em for the papers. Wells just pleads for his daughter’s life and Zoom responds with, “Merry Christmas.” Which I’m sure someone in the showroom was nodding to saying it’s hot but…it really came off weird.
Cut to Iris comin through to the Jitters (post Kendra Saunders management) to see Joe. Iris had to curb stomp a golden girl for the last flash action figure. There weren’t any Green Arrow dolls she notes and Joe says, “Probably cause of season 3 or they’d try and sell’em with a Batman costume over his arrow costume.” Joe wonders what to get Barry, Iris suggests something like the watch Joe’s father gave him. Apparently Joe’s dad only gave it to him cause he was always late. That’s some old timer ass dad shit man. Thats how you get your kids getting you socks and ties and shit out of spite. Joe told his dad if he had a son, he’d get him fun shit, Super Soakers and all that. Iris has the “Funny you should say that.” face
At Barry’s lab him and Patty face wrestling and Iris comes in like, “This is cute” Patty runs out on that awkwardness. Iris asks Barry how he is and dude is ramblin’ bout the strangeness of the year, happiness, he mentions everything but Zoom punching him in the back so hard that he shit himself. Iris is like, “Mm hmm mm hmm that’s nice funny you not mentioning the part bout getting your ass kicked ummm JOE HAS A SON!” She tells him about how her mother Francine kept that from Joe. Iris told her to bounce but that weight been holding her down but she can’t keep it to herself any longer cause WALLY FUCKING WEST is here baby. He’s here.
Jay and Caitlin are discussing possible ways to shut the breach off from Zoom’s end while giving each other the “Nudes or nah” look which got Cisco over this shit already. Cisco done lost Kendra to the reincarnated love game and is just out here trolling. Caitlin invite Jay over to the West estate for Christmas as Cisco sings, “Bump and grind” in the background. Over at Iron Heights apparently they only need two guards for a maximum meta human security prison. They’re talkin’ bout the snow and that shits busts through the windows and in comes Mark Mardon aka Weather Wizard. Why he make short work of two guards just using hail? That embarrassing as fuck.
Mark frees Captain cold and then goes to free the Trickster. I mean there were a number of other actual metas you coulda freed and teamed with but yeah, let’s go with the understudy for the Joker. That’s a legit choice. Mardon wants them to team up and kill the flash.
Mark: I was watching World Star and saw that Zoom guy punch the Jenga out of the flash’s spine. Now’s the time to attack him. We could kill him for really reals
Leonard: Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo there’s no money in this? It’s going to look like I’m walking away from this conversation as I’m still talking and walking out the door but *closes door*
Trickster: *looks at Mark* Ya wanna know how I got these… Twizzlers?
Joe guides Barry through the prison break and informs him that since Mark Mardon is back, Patty is bout to be on he Frank Castle shit cause she want that homie deaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. At Star Labs Cisco comes up with tracking Mark using his powers via a weather map (or using a weather man on the news) and coming up with the Wizard Wand to drain Mark’s powers as he never got to do earlier since Barry changed the past, erasing the time line where he did make it. Why wells in the back fucking sulking his ASS off tho. “You shouldn’t have gone back in time Barry *pout face*” I woulda kicked Wells out for killing my buzz man.
Iris and Barry meet up with Joe over in Barry’s lab to tell him that he’s got a son. Joe hits a wall of feels man. My man said, “Whats the boys name? WALLY? WALLY WEST? Yeah… yeah that’s my shit.” Joe leaves to focus on the escaped prisoners and to sit with the fact of having a kid. You know he gonna sit in the car and listen to “cats in the cradle” and mouth all the words. Barry and Iris get home and see Snart up in their house DRINKING THEIR HOT CHOCOLATE?
Barry: THE FUCK IS YOU DOOOIN?
Snart: Be cool… pun intended. Iris, I fux with that piece on gentrification you wrote about. Also, Weather man and watered down Joker are going to try and kill you Barry. I’m not cause theres no money in it plus I gotta catch up on the netflix shows i missed while in jail.
Barry: Help me stop them. I know you’re actually a good person.
Snart: Sooooo it’s going to seem like I’m walking away and leaving while still talking to you but in reality *leaves out window*.
Trickster gets on social media and TV talkin’ bout how he finna fuck Flash up.
Jay: Hmmm. We don’t have a trickster on my Earth… or racism, unequal pay, a glass ceiling, misogyny or reality tv. God, I wanna go back home so badly.
Team flash is able to track him down due to the reflection of a toy in his eye, they know exactly where he is at. I would never have guessed that shit. Personally, I woulda just been raiding every Toy R Us in a 6 mile radius. Flash gets there but Patty is there as well with the guns out. They get surrounded by a bunch of explosive dreidels because its obviously was a trap all along. Patty starts confessing about how badly she wants to put a bullet in Mark Mardon for killing her dad. That’s the whole reason she became a cop… soooo she could basically kill this dude. I feel like Central City police need a better screening process.
Wells has another meeting with Zoom in the basement of Star Labs (the fuck are the security cameras man). He’s begging for more time. Zoom is like, “Word? How bout I go up there and show EVERYBODY we follow each other on twitter? no? oh. ONE MORE DAY!” Meanwhile, Trickster been posing as Santa and handing out mad gifts (that are probably bombs). Mardon is chilling on top of a building waiting for Flash to show up.
Mardon: I’m deciding if I should kill those people with acid rain or…. you know what never mind check this out.
This cat free-falls off the building and is flying. This dude really been practicing with his powers man. He unlocked a whole new skill tree. Barry has to run after his ass and Tony Hawk off a helicopter (just to show off) to catch up to Mardon.
He is able to knock him down but then gets told a bunch of kids were given bombs disguised as gifts by Trickster. Trickster Birdman hand-rubbing like, “Yup. I dids dat.”
Mardon: Now we could blow them all up or you just stand there and let me beat your ass publicly so i can spread this shit all over Social media. I’m also going to practice my sweet Sub Zero attacks on you too.
Flash:…I hate my villains. Go ahead ARGHHHH….ice attack to the chest. Classic.
Wells figures out a way to get rid of all the bombs. Cisco and Jay accompany him as they track down one bomb and use it’s frequency to attract the others like a magnet and send them through yet another portal like they did with Grodd. Once they clear all of them they tell Flash. Barry after getting hit with fucking a literal tropical fruit punch of weather takes out both Trickster and Weather Wizard fast as fuck… which makes you think maybe he woulda been fast enough to do that before they even detonated the bombs but whatever. Oh look, Patty shows up on the scene…
Flash: Hey Paaaaaaatty, I caught (shoots him with the metallic boot so his leg is clamped down) DA FUCK? PATTY! COME ON NOW!
Patty: I don’t hear you la-la-la-la-la going to blow Mark’s brains out.
Mark Mardon:… we don’t believe you, you need more *hears the gun click* oh…..
Flash is able to talk Patty out of shooting Mark point blank in the melon as she instead arrests him. Ummmm, I feel like some news team had to have gotten that on camera tho and she should would her badge off the strength for that due to intent but whatevs.
Barry is at STAR LABS looking at Earth Two Wells work from behind a glass in another room but talking to him like he is Eobard/Wells. He’s talking about hating his fucking guts but needing to forgive him to move on. Me? I’d hold that grudge cause A) I’m fucking petty, B) you killed my mother you ass. But that’s me. Wells sees Barry and is like…fuck you staring at? and no i don’t wanna go to yall’s lame ass Christmas party.
Everyone is at the west house for the party. Joe found out more about Wally and that he doesn’t know about him being his father yet. He gives Barry the watch his father gave him cause that’s still his first son and he plays favorites. There’s a knock at the door even though everyone is already present. Joe answers it AND WHO IS IT? WHO ELSE COULD IT BE BUT MUH FUCKING WALLY WEST.
Wally: *Looks at Barry Allen dead in the windows of his soul* Look at me… Look. I’m the captain now. Also, nice watch. RUN IT!
Meanwhile Wells has his final meeting with Zoom. He figured out that Zoom has been sending villains after Flash in order for him to get faster and use more of the speed force. He’s fattening this Barry up like your mom does you when you come home for the holidays or visit from college. Zoom wants salivating over how delicious Barry’s speed is going to be when he takes all of it. After showing Wells his daughter, Wells then agrees to help Zoom. He’s going to get Barry faster so Zoom can fucking have a speed force buffet. … Come on Earth 2 Wells! I defended you in conversations man. Fuck.