Negotiating With Evil Overlords is Always a Winning Strategy

Platinum Plans Made with Ice Cold Hands

One of the things I like most about the sci-fi/fantasy genre is how it is easily relatable to what’s happening in our everyday lives. Authors, writers, directors often consciously or sub-consciously place our everyday issues into their books, movies, and TV shows. I’ve been astounded at how much of our current political cycle reminds me of what has happened in our favorite, or more popular works.

Let’s take Star Wars for instance. Who could forget when Luke tried to convince the Rebellion to sit down at the table and hash things out with Vader, or when Jyn Erso, from Rogue 1, had a long speech where she told the Rebel Alliance that they were just resisting wayyyyyyy too hard, and what really needed to happen was a sit down with a few High Moffs to figure out the best way forward. Or does everyone remember that time when General Organa met with Supreme Commander Snoke to try and figure out a way to make the Empire Great Again, so she ordered everyone to lay down their arms and instead of fighting, just politely ask for an economic plan that would be focused on the Alliance?

Hermione Wins Award for her Humanitarianism

You don’t remember those scenes? Well, what about that time Hermione Granger decided to meet up with the Death Eaters and appeal to their greater sense of good. Because the real problem was that the Auror’s were engaging in violence against “Dark” Wizards and what we really needed to do was get both sides talking. Besides which I’m sure there were good people on both sides of the Wizarding War. I know, I know…Voldemort tweeted some mean things, but don’t be such a MuggleFlake. He (who must not be named) just wants to take Hogwarts’s back to its glory days, when Muggles knew their places and weren’t coming in caravans to infest Hogwarts with their cantaloupe-like legs.

Because we all know when the Muggles send their children over to Hogwarts, they aren’t sending their brightest, they are sending criminals and rapists. And we all know that Dumbledore’s Army & The Order of the Phoenix are pretty much the same as the Death Eaters. None of them really care about Muggles. Yes, Death Eaters are trying to wipe out Muggles, but what has the Order of the Phoenix really done for you lately, I don’t choose my evil overlords out of fear.

Muggles Will Not Replace Us!

Also, before you bring this up, I know that Red Skull and Hydra are bent on world domination, genocide, and crimes against humanity. But the real problem are these ANTIFA groups fighting against them. You can’t trust those types of people, using dangerous weapons and improvised homemade shields (and probably soup cans). We know how those dangerous ANTIFA types from Brooklyn are. It’s those SWJ’s that are the real enemy, punching people, resorting to violence.

Or do you remember the time Grima Wormtongue sided with Saruman the Grey, not because Saruman was weaponizing orcs and attempting to destroy the realms of men. No, no no, you have it all wrong! Wormtongue’s stocks portfolio went up 54% and it was economic issues that caused WormTongue to betray, I mean, try to enlighten Rohan and bring them to their senses.  

I specifically remember Saruman telling the Orcs to “stand back and standby”, which was in no way an endorsement of their man-eating, murderous behavior. I’m surprised that you even dared bring that up! Saruman the Grey in no way endorses the extreme behavior of the Orcs, and neither does Wormtongue. I know that Saruman technically created this new breed of Orc, but he created them to be bigger, meaner, stronger, faster, and more radicalized in order to… love Middle Earth more. They are going to overrun the realms of men, with patriotic love.

President Snow and the White Witch are Hungry to Sit at the Stone Table of Acceptance

Speaking of negotiating, let’s jump over to Westeros. Look at how great everything turned out when High Sparrow sat at the table and negotiated with Cerci Lannister. Ok, maybe Westeros isn’t the best example. Let’s look at Panem instead. Katniss negotiated with President Snow and he absolutely never did anything that caused any sequels to be made right?

She won the Hunger Games, sat down, negotiated an end to the brutal caging & murder of children, because all we need to do, is listen to both sides, even when they are carrying torches and chanting pro-Capital slogans. I think the best lesson from that entire series was how every meeting Katniss had with President Snow produced a positive result for the Districts. Because what President Snow really needed was for someone from the Districts to sit down with him and pull out a Platinum Plan.

Maybe #Resistance is futile, and we should all just assimilate to the flavorless Borg like entity that probably seasons its potato salad with croutons and cortical nodes.

I mean the great thing about Sci-fi and Fantasy is that it’s just full of examples of how negotiating in good faith, when the other side is hell bent on destroying your way of life always works out. I mean, Thorin Oakenshield should have sat down with Smaug, Asland probably could have convinced the White Witch to stop her blood sacrifices if he could of just been in the room right? Well, he was in the room, tied to a stone table, but still. Maybe, just maybe, #Resistance is futile, and we should all just assimilate to the flavorless Borg like entity that probably seasons its potato salad with croutons and cortical nodes. But I don’t think that’s what Jean-Luc Picard, Benjamin Sisko, and Admiral James T. Kirk would advise us to do.

Iceman Coming Straight Outta Competence

Maybe I’m wrong and what Thanos really needed was a few words of wisdom from Bobby Drake. Given time, I’m sure Bobby Drake (better known as Iceman) could have crafted a robust agreement with Thanos. Of course, there would have been naysayers, those mutant intellectual elites, who would have derided Iceman for being naïve. They probably would have worried that Iceman, having seen his best days in the 90’s, would be out of his league and out of touch in negotiating with Thanos. Some haters might say, that since Iceman himself said that he hasn’t really been paying attention to politics any of the current climate in the Marvel Universe, that he was ill-equipped to deal with the current crisis.

Critics of Iceman may have pointed to the fact that there were already multiple plans on dealing with Thanos, crafted by scores of professionals that had already spent time and effort on putting together a plan that had been vetted by other professionals and that it seemed arbitrary to swoop in at the last minute and try to craft an agreement with someone who’s shown nothing but disdain for your people.

Iceman, with his fully fleshed out, really well-crafted Contract with Mutant America, that Thanos would double-dog, pinky swear, to adhere to.

Some might be so shortsighted as to say that just last week Thanos and his cronies have crafted an anti-mutant policy that was designed to kind of… destroy the planet. But those critics would be wrong, those critics would be bound to outdated ways of thinking. Because what this current climate called for, needed, nay….really longed for was for Iceman to come in out of nowhere and save the day. Iceman, with his fully fleshed out, really well-crafted Contract with Mutant America, that Thanos would double-dog, pinky swear, to adhere to. Because as every Marvel fan knows, there’s not much that happens in the Universe that Iceman can’t fix, and Thanos is known for his even tempted approach to problem-solving.

See, for all you doubters… look, there is Thanos’ favorite black representative Ebony Maw, coming to tell us how glad he is that someone of Iceman’s character and temperament, took time to sit down and negotiate with Thanos. Iceman is going to take Thanos’ response back to the rest of the mutants, Thanos will have a change of heart and I’m sure it will all be just fine. We have an entire genre of sci-fi and fantasy works, going back over a century, that tells us it will be.

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  • Joseph Harris is a writer, performance poet and fantasy bookwyrm. Ph.D student in Education at Michigan State University. Knows the difference between Wyverns and Dragons. My wheelhouse is urban & high fantasy, but I'm starting to be seduced by GrimDarks. You can find me online either at the Gram : https://www.instagram.com/the_scholarly_hooligan/ or arguing with people on facebook @ https://www.facebook.com/JosephTJHarris

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