Orphan Black Recap: The Collapse Of Nature

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***Spoilers be getting chopped into single file and snorted off the glass table***

Oh My Gawd Sestras, AND YOU SAY CLONE CITY!

Swear to Leda this shit snuck back up on us like the night that Walt Whitman used to talk about, but this shit is here and it’s back, yo. And you know how we know this some Orphan Black shit? Cuz the first gotdamn shot of the new season is in the woods where folks burying a body while someone in a fuckin’ sheep mask is stalkin’ them. I mean, is we full #CloneOnCloneOnClone thirty seconds in here or what? Not only these cats burying a body, but they sharing loving kisses between the shovel drops too? I mean, the couple that buries bodies together is the couple that…you know what, we don’t need to know what them kind of muthafuckas do when they ain’t disposing of bodies. Sheepface almost gets caught, but then gets her Jesse Owens on through the woods. When she gets clear, she makes a phone call and Clone #1 picks up.

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Sheepface is like, “You wanna see a dead body…but don’t trust anyone.” Waking up next to Clone #1 is…Paul? Wait, impossibly handsome Monitor Action Figure Paul?!?! Wait, this dude just call her Beth? I’m in a flashback?!?! WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME?!?! The timer on my DVR says 3 minutes and that is not appropriate “get in your feels” prep time. Beth gets the coordinates from an “MK” before she goes into the bathroom and straight TONY MONTANAS SOME PILLS off the counter. Like, Lawd. We knew Beth was troubled but we start off with her snortin’ the uncut. Gotdamn, this gonna be a long episode. Meanwhile, Sheepface gets the text back from Beth saying she’s on her way and pulls her mask off to reveal, yep, “MK” got them good Leda genes too. No one actress should have all that power!

ART BACK!!! I mean, for a flashback, dude don’t look younger as much as he looks thinner, but it’s good to have some melanin back in these Clone streets. They’re at the site of the body dump and Art is like, yeah, your informant giving you info on some shit in the middle of the woods in the middle of the night ain’t shady at all… So the body got a window cut into its right cheek, eyes lookin all kinds of Alastor Moody, and apparently a bifurcated penis…let’s call that the two-headed Loch Ness monster cuz we ain’t seen the shit and it can just go down in legend for all I care.

 

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I had a joke here, but really, that’s the face you make when someone has cleaved their penis in half…on purpose.

Beth gets back in the car and gets a call on the Pink phone (PINK PHONE ALERT FOLKS) with Cosima Da Fictional Bae on the other line. She’s moving into a new dorm, presumably at the request of her sestras, but the money looking funny for her to enroll. Stepford Sestra Alison supposed to come through with the loot, but she wants an expense report. Oh, future murder, she’s so meticulous. Cosima is stressed out cuz she’s homeless at the minute (How Sway?). Then she asks Beth if she ever heard the one about the lesbian and the U-Haul. Beth got the “I just came out here to have a good time, and I feel like I’m being attacked” face on and Cosima is like, nevermind. No Cosima, I mind, I HAVE NOT heard the one about the lesbian and the U-Haul and would love to hear this insight/punchline. If you got some insight to this sage wisdom of sexual orientation and transportation of one’s belongings, please share it with a brotha.

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Art talking to Beth because she’s obviously going through ALL the shit right now. Art trying to break her down, but Beth is on that, my life is the kind of crazy you ain’t ready for partner.

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Back at the station, they walk past the adorable, if impossibly charming, Felix who just got picked up for solicitation. LAWD. Like, I can’t even with this dude right now.

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Beth runs into Raj, the tech dude who ain’t never seen a Beth smile he didn’t like. Beth’s solution for being in a bad relationship and suspecting Paul of cheating on her isn’t to break up with him…it’s to ask Raj for some surveillance equipment…to bug her own crib. I mean, the game ain’t changed yo, it just got more fierce. I mean, you suspect me of cheating, just break up with my ass. I don’t need to be on camera walking around in my underwear and singing the Frozen soundtrack in the house because I think I’m alone.

Beth drives off to a trailer to meet MK. Sorta. When she get there, shit lookin like Gene Hackman’s crib from Enemy of the State and MK ain’t even there except by web cam. “You not scared enough.” YOU SO FOR REAL FOR THAT SHIT MIKA! MK tells Beth that Neolution is involved. Shoulda known man. The two-headed Loch Ness Monster Penis should have gave that shit away. It seems that MK is the one that uncovered all this shit and told Beth about it, who then told the rest of Clone Club. She tells Beth about the club and where to find a contact for Neolution.

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In the club, our boy with the tail from season 1 has an appointment with his tailor, cuz you know…tail. Beth is still snooping around and everybody in here got…enhancements. Beth wonders how she looks so much like a cop, but Beth is the coppiest looking cop I’ve ever seen. Her blazer is literally a blue wall.

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She starts talkin’ to a pregnant “enhanced” who got the Big/Small pupil thing going too. She walks in and got the Magneto package cuz she picking up Beth’s pen with her fingertips. Beth tries to ask ol girl and her bae about the dead dude with one cheek, but they stonewall her. She’s like, yeah, your brethren, the penis+1, he dead, so if you give a damn, you should call me.

In the car Beth gets a call on the pink phone and it’s ALISON. Even before she was running for office and shit, she was wielding guns and pushing that weight in these Clone streets. She sends Beth a care package via courier all while talking about wanting to blast something with her new gun. I mean, its good to know that not a whole lot has changed with Alison.

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Olivea (pre-castration) from the the club calls Dr. Leekie (pre-shot in the face), and tells Leekie that Paul been fuckin up cuz Beth out here runnin’ loose off the leash. Of course Leekie ain’t got that much time to discuss it cuz Beth rolls up on him like, Surprise, Muthafucka! She quizin’ Leekie on this dude’s smallish pupil (a sign of being a Leekie follower), but Leekie like, naw fam, I don’t know that dude.

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Jawlines on Fleek

Beth comes back to the station and get pushed from the case. She gotta take a piss test, but that blue bottle she got was from Alison’s daughter so…Lawd. Unless she been dippin into her mom’s stash, Beth gonna pass her drug test alright. The day ain’t a failure though cuz Beth got the NSA package and is about to wire her house up like Light Yagami’s crib.

Later that night and it’s time for the dinner that Paul promised Beth. Beth sets up the cameras, then sets the dining room table, then sets up the blow and snorts a couple of lines. Then a fly ass dress. Then more blow and alcohol. I have no idea how she’s still conscious when Paul finally does get home. Paul trying to suggest that maybe they should take a holiday since work is stressing her out and she’s like, Nah, 2 months of locking the doors with hot sex on a platter works for me. To which Paul says no…which does not work for me. Fam. I mean, I know she’s high like, 24/7, but you have seen Beth, right? Then Beth drops the bombshell about not being able to have kids (which we kind of already knew, I guess). But then she drops those bars “can you knit me together, or just tear me apart.” Look fam, this shit is all the way heartbreaking. We’ve spent 3 seasons with these clones and never seen any of them like this…

…and this may seem insensitve or shallow…but I feel the need to address something in the middle of the drugs, the crying, the begging for affection and rejection from Paul…

…Beth is killin’ it in this dress right? Like, she put that on for a dinner at the crib? Sheeeeeeeyet, Paul trippin.

Well it was almost a short-lived experience because Beth so fed up (and coked up) she almost puts some hot shit in the back of Paul’s head like in The Walking Dead when someone got bit and you ain’t really trying to wait around for them to develop a hunger for human flesh.

After leaving Not-Dead-Yet-But-Still-Fine-Paul, Beth heads over to Art’s house where he’s watching cartoons with his…daughter? Um…what? This negro got a daughter? Like…O-Black got some explaining to do. I mean, I know it’s hard to keep the diversity up on a show where the lead is White and plays 76 percent of the roles, but we got potential Black Girl Magic and this never got touched upon?

Beth says she just wants to watch TV…but she got an overnight bag…A’iight. Then when she’s sleeping on the couch Art, saddles up to her mad familiar. You know…like someone you “mad familiar” with. I don’t know if this the first time or the first time this week, but Art is officially in Clone Club now, yo. Art is officially Mr. Steal Yo Clone.

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Beth wakes up…in Art’s Bed…to a phone call from Trina, ol girl from the club. Her boyfriend went to meet the same folks that MK seen getting their Goodfellas on in the woods. They done planted some shit in your boy’s cheek and that shit growing like Alien. Trina giving Beth instructions for where the meet is at, but she gotta stop Trina bout 3 times to pop more pills. This is crazy yo, seeing the intense downward (and we know irreversible) spiral of Beth is depressing as hell. They should call this Season 4 or the one where we see Beth die slowly.

She sees the couple put dude under to remove his cheek, but also a cop there overseeing the shit. Ruh-roh. These Neolution bastards are everywhere. They remove dude’s cheek and he got a gotdamn slug in his cheek. Shit fucks Beth all the way up and of course, she knocks over the fine China on the fire escape, making a bunch of noise and alerting these Neo-Lunatics. She makes a run for it and gets around the corner, but it’s never good to have a drugged up, stressed out, and unstable individual with the gun safety off when folks just stroll around the corner. Folks just trying to drop something in the dumpster and Beth spin around and puts two in her like it was nothing. Safe to say that Beth is having an off week.

She calls Art talkin about she messed up bad, but Art like, you damn right you did since you not still in my bed?!?! Oh…you killed someone, yeah, that’s pretty bad too. The victim was a civilian but Art plants her phone in her hand so that Beth can say she saw a gun. Gotdamn Art, I mean…gotdamn. You were trying to help you but you enabled the fuck out of this situation, yo. Beth gotta talk to IAD about the shooting — who happens to be the Neo-Lunatic she saw overseeing the cheek / slug removal.

Beth goes to see Mika in person this time. This is probably where she realizes this shit is a complete wrap.

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Another clone wakes up to a phone call in the middle of the night, Art’s on the phone, but Kira is the one asking who it is, so we finally get to see SARAH MANNING THE LEGEND, in the present day. Art is like, I know it’s late, but honestly, I’m tired of your sestras showing up at my crib and puts MK on the phone (she made it y’all, she made it!). MK drops the bars on how Neolution is coming for her and Kira and she needs to get the fuck up outta there now. Not now, but like…RIGHT NOW.

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  • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

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