Ayo. Wait. WAIT. In the words of a terribly racist character played by Leonardo DiCaprio in a polarizing movie: You had my curiosity. But now you have my attention. It ain’t like Charlize Theron needed to prove her action bonafides after Mad Max: Fury Road. It ain’t like the first redband trailer with that fuckin’ brutal ass stairway fight wasn’t that real rap raw. But this shit right here my blonde? This shit right here?
Nah, this deserve the write up fam. This shit lookin’ like a cross between Wonder Woman and Haywire. This shit lookin’ 80 cents on the dollar ain’t cuttin’ it. This shit lookin’ like 2 minutes of an R-rated Meryl Streep meme. Nah man, let’s keep it one hunned. Hollywood BEEN lookin’ for a woman protagonist version of the Bourne films (the first 3.5 films though, we don’t recognize that last comeback that really wasn’t). Especially since so many of those failed attempts were roles written for men originally. But the way this shit open though?
Y’all came to my hotel room? With the wet work bag retrieval? YOU TRIED IT. But wait. We gonna kill a man in the backseat of the whip with a stiletto doe? We ending these dudes with a gotdamn BCBG?!?! Stop playin’ games.
Blondie out here lookin’ gawdly with the Black Canary melee hands. No scream necessary. All you got is these. Front kick game crazy. Homage to Machette with using a rope “attached” to a dude to swing out the window?! I don’t know what else y’all really want man. WASN’T EVEN GONNA MENTION THAT THEY GOT BLACK SKINHEAD KNOCKIN’ IN THE BACKGROUND. I don’t really fux with Kanye albums like that anymore, but I would absolutely listen to a full Kanye playlist of just trailers featuring his music while someone is getting the muthafuckin’ brakes beat off them.
Atomic Blonde out here trying to restore the feelings. This shit is for all the folks that paid to see Salt in the theater. This for all the folks that still don’t know how Hillary lost. This for the Marvel heads that never got a Black Widow movie. This for all the people that heard Zoe Saldana speak and can no longer watch their copy of Columbiana. Blondie voting with kill’em heels, fam. HERE FOR IT.