I’m vexed… this vexes me. I wasn’t. I wasn’t expecting all this. I was minding my own damn business on Twitter, lurking in the tweets and liking posts (y’all know who I am), then I saw a tweet saying my mans and dem Bryan Cranston is Zordon. Y’all got the man that knocks as Zordon? Y’all got Malcolm’s Daddy as Zordon? Y’all got “the real is back, the vile is back, flow bananas, here, peel this back” as Zordon?! It was way too much, I needed a moment. I was mad skeptical on the teaser trailer that dropped last year and saw the official trailer was out, so I’m like alright, lemme play this shit. Let me get this nostalgia in real quick. I bet it ain’t that different, I mean how much could they change right?
*walks away from desk. Squats down. Puts hands into 6 God prayer position then looks up into the sky like Vegeta did when it was raining. Gathers composure and sits back down at desk*
Now I’ve done had some trailers tell me to shut the fuck up before. I’ve had some official trailers smack some sense into me before. Man, I ain’t ever had one grab me by the imaginary Jesus piece and pull me to the screen and tell me “who the fuck you thought it’s supposed to be?” Power Rangers saw them jokes I was making off they Iron Man-looking suits and they ain’t like that shit. They ain’t like that shit one fucking bit. I dunno who they brought in to remix that fucking trailer (had to be someone of color) but that shit went from dreary Dawson’s Creek to the Rihanna “Work” video. You saw when Blue Ranger deaded Benjamin J. Grimm’s stunt double in his fucking chest? What part of the nostalgia track is this, maaaan?
Yo you can’t have that Pre-I would’ve voted for Trump era Kanye “Power” track in a fucking trailer unless you fucking believe in your god damn self. If you put Kanye’s “Power” in your fucking trailer that’s like Babe Ruth stepping to the plate and calling out a home run. DON’T YOU PUT THAT FUCKING SONG IN YOUR TRAILER IF YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART YOUR TRAILER IS FUCKING TRASH! These mofos teased that track bit by bit through this whole trailer doe.
I’m trying to tell you motherfuckers, this shit changed me. There was more humor in this shit and it doesn’t look as though they are taking themselves too seriously. Plus switching around the colors so that the Asian character isn’t Yellow Ranger and the Black Character isn’t the Black ranger was a great tongue in cheek joke. I’m looking at Zordon like, “God damn?! Is that you, Z? My space mans is back, yo? Alpha lookin’ a little Jar Jar binks-ish but I’ll take that shit. You looking good, Alpha! You slimmed down, baby.” The cave headquarters looks like it needs some fixing up — oh shit, y’all got a training room now?! The fuck?
Listen, when the villains showed up and Rita came down… First of all Rita, yoking Rangers up in their fucking room and strolling down the street like it’s a catwalk, just fucking shit up. Be clear, shit is real out here now and when homie said what they supposed to do and that fucking “NO ONE MAN SHOULD HAVE ALL THAT POWER” drops and you see these cats suit the fuck up, then they pull the Zords as if they were a glock, and not only that but then the Zords come out with the fucking choppas strapped to ’em?!
Pink Ranger got the oouwop on her fucking Pterodactyl, fam?! On some “get a close up and let ’em see the chrome plate” shit. THE SABRETOOTH TIGER ZORD RUNNING UP IN THESE FUCKING STREETS WYLIN’? ANGEL GROVE GOT MECH SABRETOOTH TIGERS MAKING THEIR WAY DOWNTOWN, FACES PASS, WALKING FAST AND THEY HOMEBOUND?!” She through that shit into gear, said fuck it and went in for a whole piece of the fucking pie, fam. She went in for the gold rush on ’em straight ’49’ers style (get it?).
Angel Grove is fucing bumpin’ right now. The block is hot out in Angel Grove famlay. Don’t go down to the farmer’s market right now ’cause they wylin’ in the streets out in the suburbs, my guy. I don’t know what reset button was hit or if they just pulled the rope a dope with the teaser trailer, but my god. I will be in the theaters with a bunch of other 30+ adults for this shit right here. Leave the kids at home y’all. We need to see this one with no distractions, this right here is for the culture. This right here is for that 90’s bless up. It’s moprhin’ time my [African American compatriots]. *tear streaks down cheek*.
It’s fucking morphin’ time.