On Saturday, Lionsgate dropped the official teaser trailer for 2017’s Power Rangers movie and it’s certainly what you’d expect from the people bringing us
another gahdamn Madea movie are you kidding me what is wrong with you the John Wick series. Just like the original Mighty Morphers themselves, we brought together three of our staff’s foremost Power Rangers experts to combine their powers and deliver their take.
Savon: Power Rangers done went and glowed up on us, y’all! What you know ’bout that light-speed rescue life! You wasn’t with us giving aliens them high kicks on a spooky boat in the middle of the night on our way to the volcano to save the homies in Turbo! My VHS player been showing classics since ‘96! Them movies had Felicia walking up Sherman Ave talking ’bout “Savon lemme borrow yo VCR so I can watch that young Mighty Morphin’. But this shit!? This shit right here!? This teaser trailer for the new Power Rangers movie that chripticronakunalite! Out here looking like Chronicle, slash Jumper, slash The Breakfast Club in the face. This that Peacoate Drizzy Drake crip walking in the middle of the Great Ninja War. Trailer looking like over 9,000 and a bag of you gon’ get this work!
Ja-Quan: Hol’ up real quick. Imma let you finish but aaaaaawww shhieeeet!
Saban (whoever this magical being behind the scenes is) done leaf-hurricane-drop-kicked expectations and dropped a blazing hot trailer. My inner 3rd-grade fanboy is running laps in the backyard hyped beyond belief talkin’ that trill ass cosign shit.
Inner 3rd-Grade Fan Boy: Yo the new Power Rangers is ’bout to be the doper than a baker’s dozen feins in a crack house. It’s ’bout to be more fire than Smokey the Bear’s last visit to the California countryside. More insane than Jared Leto selling tuxedos in Toledo out the back of his El Camino. Yo this trailer look like the boys from Chronicle got the Peter Parker deal from Tony Stark. People are going to actually start paying for their own Netflix accounts just so they can watch the OG Power Rangers in anticipation for this potential blockbuster. Most people I know, fans of the original sensation and skeptics alike were all at about a 3 on the hype scale before this trailer dropped, and I, for one, definitely just got cranked up to a solid seven. Let’s gooooo! (AKA, in my head I’m screaming “don’t mess this up Hollywood. Whatever you do, don’t fuck up Power Rangers.”)
Lauren: I couldn’t agree more that holy sweet baby Bast do the effects look cool, but if you were hoping for any trace of the goofy, cheerful badassery that made us believe in the magic of model cities, you’re in for an approximate Megazord of grit and angst. Here’s some of the glorious dimly-lit highlights we have to look forward to:
Sad Jason is sad but you probably wouldn’t understand:
Because I know when I think “Power Rangers,” what I really want is Holden Caulfield learning martial arts. One of the nice things about the original series is that for all of the sheer blinding sugar-frosted whiteness that comprised our lead characters, at least they were kinda nice about it? Like if the Mighty Morphin Jason is that “ally” that keeps posting statuses paraphrasing what was actually said by POC but conveniently forgetting to credit them, new Jason is your Facebook friend’s friend who keeps commenting that he doesn’t believe in white privilege because of how he grew up. He’s just so sad, y’all.
The Sakura Big Chop:
At some point we’re going to bury this trope where our Strong Female Lead demonstrates her Strength™ by cutting off all her straight hair. Fam, I promise there are other feats of strength we can do. Slide homegirl a gym membership.
Are Zack and Trini even in this scene?
Who knows?! It’s just like the old days! You’d think with the obvious racial markers no longer attached to their suits (although Zack will always be the Black Power Ranger we deserved) that these two characters could finally get some equal screen time, but honestly who really needs POC characters talking to each other and not mediating all of their conversations to our white male lead? No, but seriously, no one noticed that Zack got like three words in the whole trailer? We gonna just relegate his personality to posing dramatically on precariously high places? I actually wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t a joke where Zack’s not actually friends with any them, just a random dude they happened to find at the site where they find the Power Coins.
Also, if you’re not gonna find another fly ass Vietnamese woman to play Trini (Rest in Peace, Thuỳ Trang, you the realest there ever was), could you at least not make her character obnoxious though?
Wait, did Jason and Kimberly just kiss?!
Nope, run that footage the eff back.
What? Girl what? What in Zordon’s chin hair is that?!
Can you do that? Y’all, people out here living they best lives by sending they whole ship off to sail into the sunset like ain’t no other canon come before it. Welp. More power to you, fanfic authors. Your decades-long wait is over.
No matter what your take as a fan is, though, we all know we about to be takin’ up them seats in the theatres when this movie drops, one way or another. In the meantime, it’s morphin’ time!
Check out the official trailer below: