A few weeks ago Black Geeks of Dragon Con asked “Which supervillains would make up PEOTUS Trump’s cabinet?” Of course, anything worth doing is worth OVERDOING and any nerd question worth answering is worth writing a whole article about. Brain-parts thus inspired, I teamed up with the King of the Flaming Hot Takes himself, CB Rucker to give y’all a definitive list. Plus we gotta get these laughs off since the real picks are turning out to be even more terrifying than our fake ones.
White House Chief of Staff/Chief Strategist – Formerly know as the “assistant to the president” this is the highest ranking White House employee. They “protect the interests of the president” and, under the right circumstances, can become the power behind the POTUS.
Many would put Lex Luthor in a more prominent role, and there’s evidence to support that sure. However, Lex is peak Lex when he’s “the man behind the man” pulling all the strings with the ability to absolve himself of wrongdoing should shit go south. The last thing Lex would want is an office where folks would be all up in his pockets looking for financial conflicts of interest. He’d simply find a mark willing to do it and control him. No, YOU’RE the puppet.
Secretary of State – Chief diplomat and head of the Department of State. Responsible for forging and maintaining relationships between the United States and other countries.
Magneto is basically Mitt Romney: that dude who’s always blurred the lines between hero and villain. Mitt went full Age of Apocalypse leader of the X-Men Magneto earlier this year when he was on that “Never Trump” shit… then regressed to House of M “I don’t want my daughter to destroy the world, but I REALLY enjoy this alternate reality where my dreams of mutant supremacy have come true” Magneto when he decided he was gonna meet with the dog avi-in-chief for the role of Secretary of State.
Secretary of the Treasury – Head of the Department of the Treasury and handles all financial matters dealing with the government.
Complete chaotic evil poster boy he is, The Joker’d likely print and put into circulation way too much cash so he could literally and figuratively burn it. That’d send our economy into an inflation spiral, madness in the streets. Cats and dogs living together. Pandemonium. And one happy Joker.
Secretary of Defense – Head of the Department of Defense whose power over the military is topped only by that of the president.
Waller’s cold-blooded ass stay ready to bust out a military force and brandish new weapons. Ms. Waller plays no games and would indiscriminately nuke our allies, enemies, neutral countries, rowdy US cities, all of Florida, e’rybody.
Attorney General – Head of the Department of Justice and primary legal counsel for the country.
Although this former District Attorney has actual experience for this position, his current methods of justice decided by two-headed coin flip makes him the perfect fit for this trash-ass cabinet. Hell, he’d probably be a better Supreme Court Justice pick too. Smh, 2016 steady being garbage.
Secretary of the Interior – Head of the Department of the Interior and in charge of the conservation of federal lands and national parks.
Black Manta would give zero fucks about the actual interior but considering Trump wants to give the appearance of a “diverse” cabinet he would get the nod. Although we can probably sit this one out quiet as it’s kept. Yeah…
Secretary of Agriculture – Head of the Agriculture Department and in charge of developing and enforcing laws dealing with agriculture, food, forestry, and farming.
Get ready to go full Atkins/Paleo/Whatever diet Hugh Jackman goes on to play Wolverine because we ain’t eating no more plants. Dr. Isley will have none of it, even if she has to murder everyone to make sure. Should create quite the antagonistic working relationship with Captain Pollution. We might need Black Manta waiting in the wings anyway…
Secretary of Commerce – Head of the Department of Commerce and in charge of economic growth and creating jobs.
A successful businessman whose fortune in the arms industry will likely be a massive conflict of interest at best and treason at worst? PERFECT nominee for Trump.
Secretary of Labor – Head of the Department of Labor and in charge of employee benefits, wages, unemployment benefits, etc.
He’ll roll all the labor laws back to the ’30s. It’ll be like Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle in this bih.
Secretary of Health and Human Services – Head of the Department of Health and Human Services and charged with protecting the health and welfare of Americans.
Another almost qualified pick but totally unhinged. Equally likely to greatly develop mental healthcare or gut the whole thing. Will probably spend most of her time following The Joker around while he destroys the Department of the Treasury.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development – Head of the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) and develops programs dealing with fair housing and improving cities.
At first, we were going with Mariah because crooked urban development is her thing. But then Ben “Pyramids Are Grain Silos and I Don’t Remember Running for President” Carson got the nomination in real life. So we putting up Solomon Grundy because WHY THE FUCK NOT. If Ben “I know you mad you had to read Gifted Hands and sit through my lectures” Carson can do this shit, so can he!
Secretary of Transportation – Head of the Department of Transportation and in charge of Amtrak, the Coast Guard, and highway, railroad, and airline safety.
Top five morning commute irritants has to be when you’re on-time, even early, until you arrive at the platform and the ONLY train you can take to work is completely fucked (shout out to my Red Line folks in DC and my C train riders in NYC). Well Dr. Thawne will make sure that’s no longer a problem… you just have to worry about trains going so fast that the speed-force propels you into an alternate reality where your life is even more trash.
Secretary of Energy – Head of the Department of Energy and in charge of conserving resources.
You know how Donald Trump talked about bringing back all those coal jobs on the campaign trail? Well, who better to do it than Captain Pollution! Say toodles to beautiful skylines because under Captain Pollution coal’s coming back like a Martin marathon on BET.
Secretary of Education – Head of the Department of Education and in charge of financial aid and educational records and institutions.
Both of them want to destroy all of humanity and what better place to start than with America’s youth. I believe the children are our future, and that future is bleak af.
Secretary of Veterans Affairs – In charge of veteran benefits and welfare.
Slade might ACTUALLY give a fuck about vets. He’d make sure The Wounded Warrior Project received the funding needed to help all veterans… but he’d probably end up turning them into biologically and cybernetically enhanced killing machines that would end up starting highly successful careers as a part of Academi (formerly Blackwater).
Secretary of Homeland Security – Head of the Department of Homeland Security and in charge of protecting the citizens of the United States. So defense minus the army benefits.
The ultimate paranoid, xenophobic government man. Just the jackass we’d never want having access to all of our information and cultivating “No Fly” lists. Only question: How we gonna take down these Sentinels?
These are our picks and they aren’t up for debate!
Just kidding, we can talk about this no problem. Nerdhood and laughs will get us through this madness. Let us know if y’all want us making more lists. Not gonna lie, we’re pretty good at this.