Alien: Covenant Trailer Don’t Give A Damn How Peaceful Your Christmas Has Been

Look. These PR heathens, they know what they doin’, yo. Don’t take a marketing degree to figure out that you put your feel good movies out on Christmas and you put all the very-much-not-for-sitting-in-a-theater-on-Christmas trailers for future dates, out on Christmas Day. Right about the time Santa was doing the T-Shirt Gun drive-by on your crib, 20th Century Fox hit you with the “take this shit out of your stocking once the kids are distracted with all the shit you just got them.” Maaaaaaan, listen. You can’t be dropping this trailer at midnight when your boy is still using the reindeer wrapping paper and trying to CSI the cookie crumbs and half drunken milk to keep the Santa myth going for one mo ‘gin. You can’t flash Ridley Scott’s name across this shit against the Black on Black backdrop like we don’t know what this is, fam.

Since half this trailer is straight up Alien on humanoid crime and affected music, let’s Sherlock what the fuck is going on (cuz they sure as hell ain’t telling us). David staring longly out the window, this gotta be post-Prometheus, right? Elizabeth (the only other Prometheus survivor) is on the IMDB, but I couldn’t really place her in the trailer. Weren’t they going to the Engineer’s homeworld? How did THAT turn out? These cats didn’t just vaporize them on sight? Well, now some new alien fodder crew done reached a planet of sorts where David is at and they exploring this shit LIKE ANYTHING GOOD EVER COMES FROM THAT. At least it looks like there’s a military escort this time. Can a PHD get an escort in these exotic land streets?

Anyways, the actual trailer starts off with a WOC begging to be let out of a locked room with an imminent danger while a White woman on the outside of the door says she can’t let her out and I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a more apt analogy for the 2016 Presidential Election. Well, Trump emerged from the sick White dude’s back and the woman on the outside ran, strictly out of self-preservation, so…that’s all I got. Sometimes this shit writes itself.

We also got another Engineer ship being found and…FACE HUGGERS BAAAAAAAAAAAACK. YAAAAAAAAASSSS (I mean, NOOOOOOOO, them bastards are fucking terrifying). Xenomorphs BAAAAAAAAAAACK. And the shower sex murder scene trying to curb your spontaneity game, hardcore. And is that Danny McBride? Getting fuckin’ weepy? Cats out here trying to stretch for real.

Outlook…I dunno fam. It’s Alien and it’s Ridley (not to be confused with Ripley) so it’s got my curiosity. It ain’t got my hype for some of the other movies trailers that have dropped recently, but May ain’t that far away and I know we gotta get some more jump scare, chest or back bursting action in between then.

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  • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

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