Game of Thrones Recap: Home

season: 6 / Episode: 2 / HBO

Apparently Melisandre ain’t the only one that got some advanced aging issues cuz Bran look like he’s gotten a couple of kids, a mortgage and a divorce since the last time we saw him. He up in the mangled redwood getting his warg on with the Three eyed raven. You can tell they are warg-in the fuck out cuz their eyes done went all white like Storm and shit. Your eyes going the color of the Oscars is like the international sign that you doing some otherworldly plane, type shit, kind of like 85% of the powers that people mysteriously get come from lightning.

Three Eyed Raven showing Bran Winterfell back when his dad and Uncle Benji–

WAIT, YOUNG EDDARD BEFORE THE BEARD AND THE MANUALLY INSTALLED DROPTOP ON MY NECK STARK IS BACK?!?! And lost to the great North Uncle Benji??? I don’t think I was emotionally prepared for this moment. I’m genuinely touched and emotional from Game of Thrones and not repulsed and eyerolling at gratuitous violence right now. But we’re literally 2 minutes in so, this too, shall pass. But then Lyanna!?! I need a moment. But wait, there’s more? Is that Hodor Wylis? Mama, I got some giant in me, Wylis? No more Biggie Willie, you can call me Wylis? And this dude saying shit other than Hodor? This type of Game of Thrones exists? What happened to George RR Martin man? What tragedy claimed this man’s thirst for joy and hope?

But like any Thrones episode, right when you get a muthafucka smiling, these cats pull off the white glove one finger at a time and slap you across the the gotdamn face. Hodor Wylis carries Bran outside and he is so hyped about some shit he saw in the past, but Meera living in the present where her brotha still dead as all hell. She ain’t really here for this fond faux-reminiscing your ass doing Twenty Something Bran.

Back at The Wall, Ser Allisar and the Hateful 80 still playing Big Bad Wolf to Ser Davos’ and the Little Pigs. Whole lotta Huffin from this punk ass man. He’s like, nobody needs to die tonight, BUT MUTHAFUCKA, JON SNOW’S WHOLE BODY EXCEPT FOR HIS HAIR IS LITERALLY DECAYING ON A FUCKIN’ PICNIC TABLE RIGHT NOW. Who you think you foolin, bruh? These cats know the jig, so they pull the swords out. They start hacking at the door from the outside and Ghost is basically revving up like Prime-Tyson.

But before THAT murda muzik starts, apparently the free folk been bumping Views from the 6 [hundred foot wall] and they ready to do this shit too. The door buckles and it’s basically like, gotdamn GIANT, COME THRU. Ser Asshole gives the order to attack and that shit equated to two sword swings and a dead ass night watchmen. The cowards in black don’t want no trouble with Tormund Giantsbane and the rest of the Village Hidden in the Snow behind him, fam! Told y’all, you needed some bruhs on The Wall, man.

EXCEPT…

I need y’all to join me in a circle. A circle of faith, healing and understanding. Let us bow our heads. I stand before you, the old gods and the new, because I want answers Lord. I want to know the secrets you hold. Why are we here? What is our purpose? What were we intended for? But really, I just want to know, why you made it your will to have a muthafucka shoot a gotdamn giant in the shoulder with a singular arrow? I don’t meant to question you many faced god, I just thought I had this world figured out and then you had a man commit suicide by throwing a toothpick at a whale. I just need to know where I fit into this world and will my lack of understanding ultimately crush my spirit like I had been grabbed by the leg and swung against the wall with a flicka da wrist like Big Momma working the church fan in Sunday Service. Amen.

Back in King’s Landing, which at this point is the Trump Rally capital of Westeros. The very dude that pulled his balls out when Cersei was doing her walk is now bragging to the other no ambition having bastards about doing that shit. But you know, you bark loud enough, a bigger dog on the block gonna come see your ass. So dude is taking a piss when the Zombie formerly known as the Mountain rolls up AND TRIES TO SHOVE DUDES HEAD THROUGH A WALL. But not like a long enduring shove, more so a quick snap like your boy was playing patty cake or some shit. All upper body strength too, dude didn’t use his legs or nothing for that shit. The lesson here: dudes, just stop lying on your dick. Like, in any capacity.

Cersei tries to go see her daughter in the sept, but half a Lannister Army is there to stop her cuz she got Zombie Mountain by her side and you bastards need more people! But she relents and goes back into the Red Keep while her son is in fact in the sept and standing over his dead sister.

Look fam, if Bran can age enough to have that North Remembers 401K and Health Benefits, then Tommen gotta level the fuck up man. My four year old daughter has come in here and given me commands four times since I started this recap, so Tommen’s ass got no excuse. Jaime tells him “everything she endured she did for you.” Which is a lie. Tommen yells back, “don’t you think I know that.” Which is still untrue. Jaime tells him to go see his mother, which is like me asking the CEO of the company I work for if they’ve ever seen Goodfellas, so I can tell them to go get their fucking shinebox. I hate Tommen and his whole bloodline, but this shit just hard to watch yo.

But let’s talk about Jaime Lannister one time as he gets completely dressed down by the High Sparrow. Have you heard the term, carry yourself with the confidence of a mediocre White man? Well, I’d say that’s like Jaime right now, except it actually is fucking Jaime. Mediocre. Dude was probably the best swordsman alive (stress on “man” cuz Brienne could’ve probably still got him) and now your boy is just threatening old raggedy looking dudes with the glove hand. He better take all that “I could’ve been a contender” shit and get the fuck on somewhere.

In Meereen, the council choppin’ shit up, playing Tonk and drinking Henny; basically everything that isn’t really ruling or getting Daenerys back. Things are as bad as they’ve ever been, fam. Queen gone. Fleet burned. Slaver’s Bay got slavers again. Cats getting errors when they try to cancel their Tidal subscriptions since they already downloaded Lemonade. Shit is rough fam. Tyrion decides that it’s time to unchain the dragons because they’re not eating and you know, fuck else they gonna do? Keeping the dragons chained up would be like Amber Rose NOT bringing up that Kanye likes the Sistine Chapel treatment in bed when he was wildin’ out on twitter. Nuclear options, yo.

Tyrion done some dumb shit, but it was shit he could talk himself out of. We know his Valyrian is rusty from the first episode, but dude really thought he was bout to sweet talk some gotdamn dragons. But I mean, Chris Pratt got a bunch of raptors to think he was Poppa Dinosaur, so I guess these starved dragons not tearing apart this dude like a rag-doll and him freeing them is possible. Sure.

Staying in Essos, here go Arya, who is so fucking filthy she is basically camouflaged into the gotdamn wall. Bobcut come back and start giving her the Tim Drake bo staff work. And by work, I mean, they beat Arya like they were tired of Arya using the wrong pronouns. Arya starts swinging crazy until Not Jacqen comes back and gives her the Fight Club on the porch treatment.

Arya is now no one and finally gets to go back to the House of Black and White. Which, I dunno fam, she probably want her eyesight back first, but I think I’d opt for a fucking bath first. I can smell myself, I don’t need to know how bad it looks too.

Roose and Ramsay get the report that Sansa bounced on their hunters, but they know where they’re headed. To see dead as all fuck Jon Snow at Castle Black. Ramsay is like, yo, lets go kill him and be done with this shit. Poppa Bolton is like…you know you on that bullshit right now. Then, the maester comes in and tells Poppa Bolton that his child was delivered and its a boy. The camera work is important, because if you pay attention, you can see the last bit of human squeezed out of Ramsay when that news drops. I’m assuming this dude has a picture mounted in his sleeping quarters that’s getting older and more corrupt with each passing day as Ramsay stays young and fuckboy. Ramsay comes in tight for the hug and then Jon Snows his own dad. Not that I feel sorry at all for Roose, cuz dude is a piece of shit who just happened to not be a psychopath. But he was the last check on Ramsay’s crazy. Now, Ramsay’s knife brings all the crazy to the yard.

Look, I’m not gonna go into detail about the fucking barbaric dispatching of Lady Walder and the baby, but I need her to have some semblance of instincts. Like, she knows that Ramsay is a terrible, terrible fucking dude. But her spidey sense was on the gotdamn fritz. Like, why do you have to walk through to kennel to get anywhere in Winterfell? Why you chillin’ when this muthafucka opening cages? Why are you and by extension me, still asking gotdamn questions while this dude basically setting the dinner table with you at the middle of it? Ain’t nobody deserve that, but I’m sayin…I need y’all to advocate for your own survival.

Wait…can we, can we go to the Iron Islands one time! Can we check in with the Lannister-lite Greyjoys?! Theon is on his way back, but bruh YOU MIGHT HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF FREEZING YOUR ASS OFF IN THE SNOW CUZ SHIT IS NOT GREAT BY THE SEA, FAM. Yara is giving her pops Balon the run down about how they fucked up trying to do too much. For real, Yara is fed the fuck up, but Balon is stubborn and still wants to wage war on the North. Balon goes out to cross the rickiest bridge in Westeros during a storm but his brother Euron is standing in the way. But Euron must have been the kid that happened after the vasectomy corrected itself cuz dude looks 20 years younger than Balon.

Well, Euron don’t care how old he is and ain’t willing to wait for that death of old age, so he tossed Balon, that old salty dude that calls himself king, overboard. What is dead may never die. Unless your ass just did a header into Niagra Falls during a thunderstorm. Then your ass just stay fucking dead and they float your corpse out to sea.

Davos goes to visit Melisandre who cleaned up a little bit before he came over. Which means she straightened up, swept the floor and de-aged half a thousand years. Davos is like, yo, ain’t all you red priest muthafuckas got that resurrection jutsu they used in the fourth great ninja war? But Melisandre is like, yeah, I don’t know if I can do that cuz I never picked it up. Look yo, I’m not a good juggler. But if I lived long enough to experience the big bang theory, I might have had some time to work up to 4 objects at a time by now. Davos convinces her to try and bring John Snow back and everybody in attendance like the Knick ready to watch this shit go down.

She holding her hands over over his body like when you can’t see in the dark and you trying to walk through the living room without making any noise or bumping into shit. Which makes sense because your eyesight might be the first to go and they probably didn’t invent corrective lenses till she was 300 years old or so. But yo, this shit don’t look like it’s working and cats looking at each other like, I mean, my elbow itches now, but I don’t think anything is happening.

Basically everybody leaves because Melisandra just failed her last medical exam and Jon Snow ain’t moved a muscle since he gave Ollie the anime gasp when Ollie stabbed your boy in the heart. Even Davos leaves like, fuck, I chose the wrong week to stop drinking. But Ghost knows something is up when he rolls over and here go MUTAFUCKIN JON SNOW GASPING ON THE TABLE LIKE HE JUST CAME UP FOR ALL THE AIR. Take in all the Air Jon! Have some of my air Lord Commander, I ain’t trying to be greedy fam! I got some aquafina, some orange juice, pomade, whatever you need fam! Man, I ain’t been this happy to see a pretty White dude come back from the dead since Justin Timberlake dropped Futuresex/Lovesounds. What a time to be alive, people. What a time for Jon Snow to be alive!

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