Season: 7 / Episode: 2 / HBO
***Spoilers be creeping up in the night with a whole damn fleet***
Maaaaaaan, listen. Must be hurricane season at Dragonstone cuz the storm kickin’ up something vicious. Tyrion and Varys say that shit is like when Daenerys was born, hence her XBOX Live gamertag StormBornWhtLox. Dany up in here like a petulant pre-teen pouting about not being able to go outside during a thunderstorm and shit. Varys start spittin’ about how Cersei lying on her crown, that she ain’t really reppin’ the realm like that because so many kingdoms have turned on her. Now they heard that Daenerys knockin’ that Slick Rick, talkin’ about the Ruler is back and they ready to follow her to the thrown. Daenerys is like, “Oh word?”
She thanks Varys for his help in getting the southern kingdoms to support her, but that shit sound like a set up from jump. Dany turned that shit into a fuckin’ interrogation. Varys done switched sides more than an all day game of Red Rover. Varys be like them campaign managers during the Iowa Caucus and shit. Tyrion tried to jump in and throw Varys a life raft, but Dany said fuck that and kicked that raft into some wildfire. She breaking down every time Varys betrayed his ruler, including how he was part of the attempt on her life. This shit was mad uncomfortable for a minute, yo. It felt like she was reenacting Menace II Society or some shit.
[quote_simple]Daenerys: So Robert got his information from the little sparrows you had spying on me.[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Varys: Uh, yeah, the sparrows.[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Daenerys: So Robert got his information from the ravens you had spying on me.[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Varys: Uh, yeah, yeah, the ravens, that’s right.[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Varys: I uh, I thought it was the same metaphor with the birds, but whatever. [/quote_simple]
But fam, Scheming Saitama flipped that shit back on Dany quick. He start droppin’ bars about how he could give a good gotdamn about a king or a queen, but he from the street fam. The fuckin’ gutter. Varys is like, “cough up a lung where I’m from Marcy son, ain’t nothin’ nice!” He like, my loyalty is to the hood and as long as you treatin’ the hood well, then we can all eat queen.
Wheeeewwwww, Varys was spittin’ for his fuckin’ life right there. Your boy was hittin’ all them notes just trying to end his night not in the jaws of a dragon, fam.
But because betrayals come in pairs, GUESS WHO’S COMING TO DINNER AND DIDN’T EVEN BRING NO WINE?!?! Melisandre’s ancient ass show up on the door step to get an audience with the queen. She start speaking Valryian like we supposed to be impressed. EVERYBODY IN THIS ROOM SPEAK VALYRIAN BISH, STOP PLAYIN. Greyworm knows 27 words and he can speak Valryian. That’s like when the corny fuckbois vacation in Puerto Rico and try to speak their semesters worth of barely passing Spanish to every woman they see. Fuck outta here man. Dany is like, well, figures you show up since I’m apparently in the pardoning muthafuckas that once pledged to another king mood tonight.
Melisandre start talking about the prophecy and I’m like are you fuckin’ serious. Lord of Light be bestowing blessings on everyfuckingbody man. Lord of Light be picking at the bottom of the NBA Draft talkin’ about, “fuck it, we’ll just take the best left available.” If Thrones went on for two more seasons, she’d be somewhere telling Hot Pie he’s the Prince that’s Promised. Melisandre gotta have the most fucked Linked-In, in Westeros, bruh. Just L’s for like two pages.
They catch that bird up North and they are debating back and forth about if it’s too dangerous for Jon to go meet Daenerys in person. Davos apparently been practicing his reading so much that bruh can read the charisma in letters too. He’s like, look we gotta consider that shit cuz Dragons don’t just be falling off the back of trucks and shit. Them boys could come in handy against these undead fucks coming to kill us.
My gawd. Cersei’s speech is basically a one to one Westeros translation of Trump’s announcement for president. Just replace Mexican with Dothraki and she might as well as done that shit from Trump Tower. Lord Tarly is like, ok, that’s all fine and good, but uh, the bit about dragons intrigued me. How do we stop them? Qyburn uses those old customer service tactics like, ‘Ya know what’s that’s a great, great question. We’re gonna look into that.’
Also, Jaime got the worst job. He’s like the lead recruiter for a college that everybody knows is about to get hit with NCAA sanctions. He trying to hard sell Lord Tarly and he using the same fear mongering about the Dothraki. Quick check, do we know any White Dothrakis except for ya know, Daenerys? I’m sorry, I legit tried to say that last part without laughing and failed.
Maaaaaaan, Jorah with that greyscale looking like Meteor Man if Meteor Man was actually made out of a fucking meteor. Jorah look like he needs repaving for the summer. Jorah look like when your uncle fell asleep at the grill and left the hotdogs on too long. Jorah look like Two-Face if his origin story included the La Brea Tar Pits. Robutussin ain’t fixin that shit fam. Henrietta Slacks DNA ain’t fixin’ that shit. Claire Bennet from Heroes cells ain’t fixin’ that shit. Sakura’s medical jutsu ain’t fixin’ that shit.
Down in the crypts below King’s Landing, Qyburn takes Cersei to see all the ghosts of dragon’s pasts. Apparently, they been working on the first howitzer in creation to be able to kill dragons. This is really some Desolation of Smaug shit fam. Nah man, I ain’t trying to see Drogon go out like that. If it ain’t Bard up in the tower pulling the lever then I really ain’t trying to hear about this killing dragons shit.
At Dragonstone, it dawns on me that Daenerys really does have the court of misfit toys. Everybody here is either a former slave or someone that betrayed their king, father, or both. They start arguing about when to hit King’s Landing. Daenerys takes Tyrion’s words and says they gotta plan this shit out cuz she ain’t here to be Queen of the Ashes. Lady Olenna is like, gurl, don’t nobody out here care about how nicely you take over the kingdom. My granddaughter was loved by everyone and she still got that kryptonite bath like everybody else fam.
Tyrion lays out the plan. They gonna run that siege offense against the capital with the Westori armies and use the Dothraki and Unsullied armies against Casterly Rock and the heart of the Lannisters. Everybody was arguing a second ago, but now they lookin’ around like, fuck, that little dude got bars. Aiight, fine.
Dany speaking to Lady Olenna after the meet and seeking council. Lady Olenna had a simple message. She told the DJ to drop the beat and had one hook for Dany:
Boys are dumb, throw rocks at them.
Sage wisdom fam. I mean, I like Lady Olenna, but she’s like 80 and the only person alive in her family tree, so maybe take her plan and modify it a bit Dany.
Ok, ok. Y’all gonna have to give me a second. Cuz right after these dudes announced that they were gonna follow up Game of Thrones by doing some slavery fanfic, somehow, someway, we got one of the best Black love scenes on TV this year. How is this fuckin’ possible? ON GAME OF THRONES?!?! Thrones got like two Black people on the show period! And they produced this shit? Ok, but seriously, this shit was beautiful. First, it starts with our favorite past time, Greyworm spitting the best game on either coast.
Sam trying to convince the Archmaester that they can cure Killer Croc Mormont, but archmaester is like nah, we don’t fuck with gorgon victims like that. Let that man go be stonehenge somewhere. Sam ain’t trying to hear that though. Jorah lookin’ at his sword longingly when Sam come in like, so, I’m putting you in the clinical trial fam.
So, this shit was disgusting. I honestly don’t know which scene I’d rather watch again if I had to: the first episode where Sam became the Lord of Feces or this episode where we got the epilogue to The Fly. Yeah, I dunno man, you start peeling shit off me and it look like I’m leaking caramel, just knock me the fuck out fam.
Arya up in the tavern on that old school Assassin’s Creed eavesdropping mission, getting intel about Cersei. Hot Pie back in the muthafuckin’ building for the ’17 fam! He starts talking to Arya while she (nicely) running him for his bread and ale. I want Hot Pie to make it man. I want him to have his own tavern, selling the best pastries in Westeros. I’m talkin’ the Krispy Kreme “Hot Now” sign, his own “Serving it Up with Hot Pie” show on the cooking show and all that.
[quote_simple]Hot Pie: What happened to you?[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Arya: Man, ain’t nothin change but the dot on the range. My family got slaughtered, so you know, I’m just out here, killing lords, crippling houses, trying to run up on the Queen and give her the needle and the thread, nahmean. Regular shit. How you be?[/quote_simple]
Hot Pie drops that knowledge that the Boltons are dead and Jon is King of the North. Shit changed Arya’s whole fucking life, fam. She leaves and makes that hard turn up North to go see the fam.
Jon up in his quarters lookin’ like he just got done recording a 90s slow jam single and needed to decompress. Another raven has come, this time from Sam about the Dragonglass. WHO GETS MORE MAIL THAN WINTERFELL?!?! Gotdamn man. With all the ravens coming through, the Seat of the North just gotta be covered in bird shit 24/7. Lookin’ like a Hitchcock film.
Jon addresses his court and tells them that he finna ride out to Dragonstone and see what’s good, but his court is all like, “Man, fuck that noise.” They all assume that Dany is like her pops and gets off on roasting Starks over an open fire. I thought that shit was done when Lady Mormont told Jon not to leave too. Cuz LADY MORMONT IS THE VOICE OF A GENERATION FAM. She is the fucking Teen Vogue of the North right now. Ain’t nobody trying to be on the wrong side of history. Then Sansa gets tagged back in.
[quote_simple]Sansa: You are abandoning your people right now. You are abandoning your home.[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Jon: But I’m leaving you in charge.[/quote_simple]
[quote_simple]Sansa: Gurrrrl, if I knew you was gonna say that shit I would’ve worn a new fit! Sheeyet, you got me out here in some last year’s collection and I’m Queen?! Queen doe brother? I’M YOUR QUEEEEEEN, TO BEEEEEEEEE.[/quote_simple]
Man, Sansa lost that anger real fuckin’ quick, didn’t she? Jon put her in charge and she was legit like, wait, what were talkin’ about? How I’m about to redecorate this shit up riiiiiiight?
Yo, can Sansa just get the loyalty of the Vale so she can have Little Restraining Order’s army? Like, he got one more time to proudly proclaim how he hit it first like Ray J when it comes to Catelyn AND he be trying to slide into her daughter’s DMs too. THAT SHIT AIN’T NORMAL, B. I mean, one of my first big crushes was Lisa Bonet and I’m not all the way comfortable about how stupidly attractive Zoe Kravitz is, so I don’t know how LRO does it man. Shit vexes me.
Arya in the woods heading north when the horse start getting nervous. Animals getting jittery about some shit you can’t see is a bad fuckin’ sign man. Arya knows something ain’t right and pulls the Needle ready to deal with some shit. Fam, why about 50-11 wolves roll up on Arya like she wearing the wrong colors on this side of the woods? Arya been training to kill people on the sneak. This Bourne Legacy shit wasn’t part of the training. But then a white wolf the size of Essos roll up behind her and…you knew what this was.
This shit was way more emotional than I was ready for man. Nymeria is the fuckin’ realest wolf fam. The best to ever fuckin’ do it. She done tasted Prince Blood, yo [say that shit in the key of Coming to America: The boy got his own money!]. She roll with a squad full of fuckin’ killers. This the first time that Arya has seen Nymeria since what, episode 3? You know how many Starks have died since then. Arya told her to come with her, but Nymeria was Arya’s wolf, so you know she ain’t really trying to get a union job and be obedient like that. She roll out with her crew, but nah man, that can’t be the last time we see her.
Yo, don’t let the fact that you on official queen’s business and gathering an army to lay siege to a castle in rebellion ever stop you from getting your fuck on.
Right as Ellaria and Yara got into that real shit, the gangsta shit outside pops off. Yara rushes up to the deck to see what happened and its fucking chaos. Well, chaos personified by the King of the Iron Islands. How you let a fuckin’ fleet sneak up on you in the middle of the night? Somebody is fuckin’ fired man. Or probably, on fire to be honest. These dudes ain’t pushing smuggling boats. We talkin’ caravels and shit going stealth like when you trying to sneak back into the house after curfew.
Listen fam. Euron came for that murder and nothing short of that shit. He putting the ax to every fucking body.
Wait…I got a question. How the fuck is it that Ellaria can’t fight? What…what are we…what are we doing man? You gotta squad of killas but you can’t hold a knife unless you stabbing your wheelchair bound not-really-brother-in-law in the chest during a coup? Lost mad respect there. Your combat training tops out at tonguing down a teenager with poison on your breath? I’m fucking disgusted.
The Sand Snakes. Man. Man. Sand Snakes had the most disappointing run since the 2004 Lakers with Gary Payton and Karl Malone. Nah, Sand Snakes the most over-hyped failure since the Hindenburg. Everybody loved Oberyn like he was Jigga and then the Sand Snakes came along like Memphis Bleek. What the hell man?! They both had their chance to kill Euron individually and together and Euron ended up killing both of them with their own weapon. So disappointing man. We just gotta rename Dorne the 2016 election fam. Nothing good whatsoever came out of it.
And then the end, Yara goes to take on Euron herself. I thought she was going to pull it off. Well, no, I hoped she was gonna pull it off. I be rooting for Yara so hard man, but after seeing Euron look like fucking Führer King Bradley going through the whole ship, I knew it wasn’t gonna happen. I was one of those parents in the stands standing up and cheering loudly with “Lets Go Yara!” while simultaneously thinking, “Oh god, they gonna kill my baby out there.” Euron got Yara hemmed up and calls out to Theon, seeing what he gonna do. Man, Theon flashed back to fuckin’ Winterfell and became Reek again real quick. Theon went from “I’ll do whatever my queen commands of me” to seeing his queen in peril and being like, “well the water ain’t that cold for this time of year.” Gotdamn man. Reek jumped into the water like he was fucking Aquaman. He dove in like he was about to be purified in the waters of Lake Minnetonka. Reek dove off that boat in such perfect form, you got soldiers on the boat throwing up scores and shit.
So that’s it man. Ellaria, Tyene and Yara all taken hostage. Theon doing the movie poster for Splash 2017. And Obera and Nymeria Sand both dead as fuck hanging from the mast of a burning ship.
I think we can officially bury the Sand Snakes, the fucking Mokenstef of Westerosi legend. Things are as bad as they’ve ever been fam.
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Evil Ninja (@EvilNinjaX24)
Yo, I’ve been waiting like 28+ hours for this. You did not disappoint, fam.
All the ravens in the world and none that say “Jon your brother over here chillin at the wall”
You called the Sand Snakes the Mokenstef of Westeros and I nearly died!!! True dat tho — NOTHING good came out of punk azz Dorne. They just all swag all the time — best clothes, best tans, best sex, best wine and No bars. No skills.
Your writing style is esoteric yet hugely entertaining. Brilliant recaps.
DUDE!!! This my NEW SHIT!!! I’ve READ and RE-READ this blog 3 TIMES!!! I’ma read it again as SOON AS I GET HOME!!! (Faith Evans voice)
Samuel C Glass Jr
“Purified in the waters of Lake Minnetonka…”
Oh, no you jus’ DI’UNT!!!!
Pomade Jesus!!!!!!!!! Comedy
Pomade Jesus!!!!!!!!! Comedy
“…the Sand Snakes, the fucking Mokenstef of Westerosi legend.”
There are no maesters at Castle Black right now. That Raven email is hella complicated. Lol.
“If Thrones went on for two more seasons, she’d be somewhere telling Hot Pie he’s the Prince that’s Promised.”
Why must you kill me???
Most brilliant recaps this side of Westeros for real. I live for them. Loll.
I fall out every time I read “Little Restraining Order”. You hear me?! Fall. Out. All my life I been looking for this perspective on GoT. Thank you for filling the void.
La Shaun phoenix Moore
Super happy to read this! It was brilliant!!!
My sister just sent me this recap!! I loved it!!! Finally a recap that sounds like my sister and i at 10:31pm!!! Lolol. You got a loyal fan here!!!
I have tears in my eyes-I’m CRINE!!!!
There are too many gems in this one, but Theon? ???
I know it was shade but as soon as I saw Mokenstef I wanted to hear “He’s Mine”. It still rocks hard in the carriage.
I just needed to say every single damn line you write about Jorah was solid gold. Solid. GOLD. I was in tears to the point that my toddler ran over to pat me on the back and tell me it was ok.