Two Dope Boys and an- OH MY GOD THE FLASH GOT FUCKED UP

Yo, it’s been a full week since Zoom dragged Barry through the streets while Barry’s body was flapping in the wind like a surrender flag. Even though it’s been seven days, The Boys still haven’t recovered from the PTSD of seeing possibly the most historic beat down of a superhero in recent history.

Omar: Rhonda Rousey took an L this week but that still wasn’t as surprising as the beating The Flash, Barry Allen took. Barry needed a ref to throw a flag on the play as well as a kitchen sink. I don’t know if there is a version of WorldStarr in the DC Universe but Barry better hope not cause I ain’t ever seen a hero get their body earth’d like that since Superman’s funeral.

Will: Yo, the DC version of Worldstarr are the comments on tumblr when the Convergence event was poppin’ off. Shit was just savage with no concern for human decency. And that’s exactly where Zoom’s state of mind was when he was giving Barry the Holy Trinity ass whuppin. Dude tried to bury the Scarlet Speedster, then was gonna sit at his tomb three days later just in case he rose again.

Omar: I mean we can take it to the highlight reel.

Barry tried to toss that lightning like it was a super smash bros item and caught the UNO Reverse. How you come out the pocket with Guile’s sonic boom and get that shit return to sender? Zoom out here givin’ Barry the PSE&G treatment, he put the fear of Zeus in his ass.

Will: Barry, my Speedster, I hate it had to be you. The lightning is a cool trick and all, but obviously Barry is a novice with that shit, like the first two hours of Infamous when you playing with Cole Macgrath and you haven’t unlocked the good powers yet.

But can we talk about how Zoom ran around Central City doing press conferences while carrying exhibit A with him everywhere? Cats was probably at home, ordering pizza, heard the doorbell, answered that shit, but instead of getting that large thin crust cheese, they just got Zoom’s demonic ass holding “dead from the waist down” Flash.

Omar: DUUUUUUDE! Why Barry look like an unrolled fruit by the fruit blowin’ in the wind as Zoom was runnin’ with him? Barry body was straight soggy tortilla shell limp, looked like a fresh popped party streamer!

Jay Garrick had to be watching that shit from his laptop talkin’ ’bout, “And y’all ain’t wanna believe me. See? You see? Now you out here lookin’ like strained playdoh, *eats Dorrito* whole body lookin’ like the khakis with the crease in ’em. These young kids don’t wanna fuckin’ listen to a damn thing till they get dropped on the blacktop.”

Will: And look, I know shit is scary at the time, when Zoom showed up at the secret lair then kicked in the door waving the limp four limbs of their hero. But the next day, when that muthafucka wakes up… how you not lookin’ at Barry with pure disgust? Iris gotta be like… yeah, after that, ain’t no way I’m bearing his children. They gonna ask me how their father ended up in a wheel chair and there’s no way I can tell them that someone kneaded his spine like bread dough and made him defecate in his speed force draws.

Omar: Look at ya mans and dem! Look at him! Lookin’ like Forrest Gump walkin’ with the leg braces! I saw him take that hit and said, “OoOoOOoooo-ughhhh… He must have shit himself on that. IT’S OKAY IF YOU SHIT YOURSELF, BARRY!”

This is seriously the worst moment of the entire beat down cause it looks like Barry got hit so hard that he ejaculated… It’s either that or he’s trying to hit the high note of a Mariah Carey track. Look at that arch in the back, man! Look at that arc! That’s the arc ya moms gets when you were a kid and hit the back of her ankle with a shopping cart.

Will: Bruh, that’s some shit your body ain’t supposed to come back from. I feel like Gustin Grant needed at least 18 months of yoga for that scene. Fam, Flash’s body went fuckin’ parallel to the Earth on that punch. Lookin’ like Sesame Street, “this episode is presented to you by the letter C.” Flash is my dude man, I really don’t appreciate Zoom punching him so hard that it turned his body into the shape of a socket wrench.

Omar: Yo, Oliver Queen got his throat hit, stabbed through the abdomen, and kicked off a fucking mountain and that shit looks like a fucking spa day compared to what Barry went through. Ollie must’a watched the news of this shoutin’, “I SAID GOD DAMN! BARRY! BARRY SOFTEN THE BLOWS WITH YOUR PRIVILEGE! USE YOUR PRIVILEGE OR A WAD OF HUNDREDS TO SOFTEN THE BL– he can’t hear me. I’ma get him a walker for Christmas this year.”

Zoom out here thinkin’ he Z from Zola story cause he trappin’ with the speed force and Barry in that Jared fetal position just wanting a warm glass of milk and a “everything is going to be okay” head pat.

Will: Yo, if this was Zola’s story and Barry wanted to jump (well, fall) off the roof after the shit that Zoom aka Z just did, you better let that man meet his maker the way he wants. No judgment from me. I mean, if I were Barry, and woke up after that shit, I might have been pissed ya’ll kept me on life support long enough for me to live through that shit. Barry was basically dead after Zoom gave him the spinal tap. The rest was just parading a corpse.

Omar: Barry woke up and said, “AWWW FUCK. I’M STILL HERE? Y’ALL AIN’T LET ME GO?” The previews had your boy runnin’ on a tread mill but fallin’ and shit, still in a wheel chair. Yo, Zoom got in this dude’s fucking mind. He gon’ need to pull a Korra and meet up with Zaheer to guide his ass back to the speed force. Yall know damn well Jay Garrick is Zaheer in this scenario too.

Jay is going to be such a fucking nice guy about it instead of straight entering the room doing the running man (un-ironically) while singing. ” I told you so” which will get remixed into “I tried to tell your ass” then chopped and screwed “Buuuuuuuut dooooooooooon’ttt nooooooboooody wannnna listennn yo Jaaaaaay,*Eraaa-eraaa* Listennnnn, Listennnnn to Jay”

Will: See, I disagree, Barry needs to find a way back into the speed force and resurrect Earth 1 Harrison – Not Really – Wells instead. That’s your Zaheer moment. Also, can we talk about the fact that the beginning of every episode, Barry talkin’ about “…and I am the fastest man alive.” Muthafucka we’ve met two villains that were speedsters and both them bastards were faster than you! Barry ’bout to get sued for slander but I hope his lawyer has a wheel chair accessible entrance cuz your boy still got the wind chimes for legs right now.

Omar: I literally have no words for how he can come back from this shit next week. In the intro he needs to be like, “My name is Barry Allen… I’ma skip the shit I usually say about being the fastest man alive because the doctor said my long-term memory should be coming back in about a week but there some shit goin’ on I think… and I am the only one fast enough to stop it. I am the Batman — I MEAN FLASH!…I AM THE FLASH.”

Barry going to need Derrick Rose’s help to come back from this injury and then get Iyanla or Dr. Drew to help get his emotional shit together cause I guarantee that boy still layin’ in the fetal position as we speak, talkin’ ’bout, “I really don’t want to have the conversation with Cisco about me shitting in the suit… or the other thing I did either.”

Will: Man, he ain’t gotta worry about that conversation because Cisco vibed that suit after they had to cut Barry out of it and saw that nothing but shame and bodily fluids were ahead, so he burned that shit quick. And the intro for the next episode shouldn’t even be an intro to the Flash. It should be Barry doing a commercial for Depends: Adult Diapers. That shit should be one long info-commercial with about 20 minutes of Flash content. My faith in humanity needs some breathing room. I can’t watch another full hour of Flash this soon after the massacre.

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