Into The Badlands Recap: Hand Of Five Poisons

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Season: 1 / Episode: 6 / AMC

I got some good advice from my Regent, Lauren, to just hit you cats with the “And you say Clipp City” opening, then hit you with about 4K Flame Emojis as the recap and that shit would be hella accurate. But I’m gonna take the long walk with y’all cuz you Clippas deserve that much. This episode EARNED it this week.

Sunny riding out on a mission. He arrives at the River King again carrying an ominous bloody sack from his motorcycle. River King just chillin, going over the books. You know, just a day in the life of a muthafucka that calls himself the River King. But why he look like a shady merchant and more like he at the studio composing the next best song of the 26th Century (or whatever the hell year this is)?

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I’m pretty sure there’s a Jimi Hendrix documentary that has a still shot like this somewhere in it. Sunny hands him the sack and River Hendrix empties that shit nonchalant like it was fucking Halloween Candy on the table. Which would be fine if it weren’t a severed head. He sizes it up with the wanted poster and figures it must be MK on some “ehh, all non-Black folk look alike” shit. But I mean, how can he be held accountable? Just how many severed heads is a muthafuckin packin anyway to be giving out false ones?

Sunny goes to scoop up Veil and tell her that they leave tonight. Veil is like, “I know you gotta job where you can come and go as you please, but some of us out here gotta work real jobs.” She’s been summoned to the Fort because Jade has been poisoned. Sunny tells her not to go because shit might get crazy. He tries to leave but Veil hits him with, “You didn’t murk my parents in cold blood and then tell me your Baron did it, did you babe?”

On the outside Sunny is like…

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Internally, he gotta be like…

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Veil Da Fictional Bae is like, well, I know your ass was there. “How you gonna just watch my folks get the Thanksgiving Turkey treatment, yo?” This shit is heartbreaking yo. We need one ship to make it in this one show. ONE DAMN SHIP, FAM. Now that shit look like it’s about to capsize. Veil hits Sunny with the, “If I’m here, I’m good. If not, don’t come lookin’ for me.”

Out here in the savage streets, one of Penrith’s followers is marching up the hill to some shit that look like it came out of Dark City. This shit is basically a church with no congregation. Pentrith’s devotee delivers a message that they’ve discovered another “dark” child. These monks carrying a box to the truck, same sort of box we found MK in to begin with. So these dudes just hunt bad ass killing machines? Fuckin’ Badlands got an Akatsuki too? SHIT IS SO SAVAGE OUTCHEA.

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At The Fort, Jade wakes up from her poisoning to see Lydia sitting bedside. “Welcome back to the living,” Lydia says in a way that sounds more like, “How the hell did your ass wake up from this?” Lydia telling Jade that maybe she was out in the sun too long. Cuz every muthafucka I know that got heat stroke started foaming at the mouth and shit. Quinn walk in the spot like, “Heifer, the sun ain’t do that shit. The sun spiking drinks now, homie?”

Quinn says that Jade was poisoned, then gonna show the evidence in the bottom of Lydia’s jewelry box. Fam. Lydia is like, “Oh hell naw, you are not about to set me up for the Wu like this.”

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Quinn has her escorted out and Jade got that, “Yeah, trick, but you ain’t willing to poison yourself for this life,” look on her face. Oh, but Jade ain’t fuckin’ done with this long con, fam. She tells Quinn that Ryder out here keepin’ mad secrets (well, I doubt that she tells him that Ryder was inside of her like, a week ago, but yo, details aren’t important).

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Speaking of ol’ clangfoot, he meets Lydia outside the gates and tries to play that, “You brought this on yourself,” kind of act. Ryder is dumb as fuck, yo. He assuming that he got the upper hand, but didn’t even see this shit coming and he’s the one that gave Jade the idea about the poison. Lydia walks out in the Badlands wishing the Fort had been Pro-Choice when she got pregnant.

Ryder back up in pop’s office trying to set up Sunny. Quinn gives Ryder another chance to come clean and dude lied to his pops like it was nothing. Quinn hit Ryder with the “So be it.” Which was basically shorthand for, “Well, I guess Jade can give me another son if it comes to that.”

Sunny meets Quinn in the chapel and Quinn start dropping bars about Sunny’s mysterious dealings. He brings in some of the other clippers and calls Sunny a traitor. Sunny could’ve given all these cats the Ninja Gaiden treatment, but he ain’t really trying to kill his own people, even if it means clippin’ Quinn. They take Sunny to the dungeons and Quinn tells MK they about to make beautiful music together.

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It seems that Veil Da Fictional Bae was actually going to pack up her shit and roll out with Sunny, but somebody laying in wait for her at her crib and hits her one time with that chloroform.

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The hood come off of Veil and she discovers she’s been kidnapped by the The Widow’s Peak squad. Widow laid up in the Grapes of Wrath house, dying slow from blood poisoning when Sunny tried to give her the lean cut from the deli. Widow wants Veil to stitch her up so she can go to the meet, the Widow look like she shouldn’t even be going to sleep right now, let alone out into the Badlands. Veil got so damn gangsta this scene, yo. She giving Widow terms and shit. Widow try to hit her with that “Feminists need to stick to together” shit, but failed to mention that she only needed the sistas in her movement when it was time to patch her up. If it ain’t inter-sectional feminism Widow, we ain’t buyin that shit!

Veil asked her who sliced her up, and the drink must be getting to Widow, cuz she got real free with the Sunny slander. Veil like…

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Veil hit her with the needle one time like, “You need to chill with that shit.”

Quinn comes to see Sunny in the prison and he asking where Veil is. Quinn knows ALL THE SHIT, fam. He know Veil and the baby, MK’s power to transform into a jinchuriki, all that shit. He givin’ Sunny all the bars right now.

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Sunny tells him that when he gets out, he clippin’ Quinn first. I would’ve added “And second, third, fourth, bruh I’m gonna kill you to the tenth power if you put your hands on Veil.”

Lydia has found her way back to poppa Penrith seeking shelter and salvation, but pops like, “Who the fuck are you again?” Lydia tries to tell him that she been keepin’ up on the scripture and all that, but pops wants real sacrifice and make your girl go down to the river and pray.

Veil is sewing up Widow and trying to act like she ain’t hearing the righteous shit that Widow spewing. Veil sits out three bottles like this three card molly and tells her one of bottles is a tincture that will heal her. The others be that shit Jade was coughing up last episode. She’ll find out which one when Veil is safely home. Widow is like, “Boo, I don’t even know if you’re home still standing. Shit is happening right now.”

Quinn convinces MK that if he fights for him, then Sunny will stay alive. Ironic that Mk is willing to do shit to keep Sunny alive considering that this is all MK’s fault that Sunny in the basement chained up like Amistad.

Ryder meets with Zephyr and it looks like two muthafuckas that might as well drown themselves in the river they’re overlooking cuz they way in over their heads here. Ryder lets Zephyr know that Widow is probably bleeding out from the wound Sunny gave her. Why Zephyr didn’t take this as a sign that shit was going belly up is beyond me.

Waldo comes to see Sunny and gives him the prison break. Waldo reveals that he is The Widow’s inside man. He feels obligated to Sunny and he’s telling him to get the hell out of dodge before this place becomes a shit storm. Waldo telling Sunny to just leave first chance he gets, then drops that, “But by the way, the ambush is going down at the dollhouse. But seriously, forget about them and leave.”

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Waldo, your ass ain’t slick…

[divider type=”space_thin”]
Tilda takes Veil back to the edge of the property and Veil hits her with, “Yo, your mom is fucking crazy, T. You need to go head and let her drink that long goodnight and stop playin.” Jesus, Veil turned the “my hands ain’t all clean, so stop trying to play me” knob up to like 9 just now.

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So, spoiler alert, Quinn wasn’t really taking MK to his first “whicking.” (good lord that shit sounds mad foul). Before they walk in, Jacobee’s crew comes out for the ambush. Jacobee walk like a man that got carried around in a chariot till he was about 12. Of course Ryder comes out too and Quinn looking at him like, “Didn’t I tell your ass to stay at home?!”

Of course this shit is an act cuz Quinn brought MK for a reason. He slices MK’s shoulder then steps the fuck back cuz he’s played Mortal Kombat before. MK just start taking these muthafuckas apart yo. Jacobee got put through a door. Ryder got the high five to the chest, and Zephyr got hit so hard her hair turned black, then back to white. Jacobee’s whole clipper force getting tossed like Agent Smith in Matrix Reloaded when Neo was whippin the metal pole back and forth. Quinn chillin on the side, pleased with himself until he see his Regent, Clippa #1 standing there waiting for him. Yo, Sunny ain’t even let him get off the mandatory TV monologue, he just ran this muthafucka through like room temperature butta.

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MK still handing out all the work and is about to give Ryder the goodnight when Sunny stops him (gotdamn you, noble ass Sunny. You couldn’t have taken 90 more seconds to kill Quinn?). MK still in his zone and hits Sunny with the E Honda fist.

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But just then, the Akatsuki shows up. Yo. These the muthafuckas that run TOWARDS the danger fam. They lookin’ at MK while he’s in the Avatar state the same way we look at MK when he ain’t…like he ain’t shit. MK tries to continue racking up his high score, but dude hit him with the Chi block one time.

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Sunny, valiantly tries to fight off these cats and take MK back, but yo…I don’t even know what clever shit to say. THESE MUTHAFUCKAS ARE THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH SO HELP ME BAST THE PANTHER GODDESS. I say gotdamn. Sunny trying his best and even took out his swords, put them shits back to back and tried the Darth Maul shit, yo.

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… didn’t work. Sun. SUN. Who The Fuck Are These Ninjas?!?! They apparently, go in and out of the avatar state whenever they feel like it. This is like MK is fucking Eren Jaeger, where he needs to bleed to go full Titan, but Annie out here going Female Titan whenever the fuck she feel like it. Then, wait, did these muthafuckas just form Voltron?!?!

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I’m done yo, I’m done, I am fucking done. I ain’t never seen no shit like this on TV in my fuckin’ life, yo. Is this what the ballet looks like? Cuz I’m seeing Nutcracker On Ice every gotdamn year if that shit is as beautiful as this. After that Voltron shit…it’s just a sad state of affairs for Sunny. They beat the sexy off that man. Well, not really, but, whatever. Daniel Wu still out here thrivin’. When they put Sunny in the spin cycle and start beating him round robin style, I’m guessing Sunny was like, “Wait, I’m getting my ass beat like this for fuckin’ MK?!?! The fuck am I doin, yo?” Sunny gonna wake up tomorrow thinking about how he almost got murked by Shaolin monks over M fuckin’ K like…

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Ok, I can’t let this shit go. I’m sorry. I know I said I was finished but that shit was fucking brutal. We JUST spoke on how Zoom beating down Flash was the worst beat down we’ve ever seen a hero endure on TV and Badlands was like, “Nah b, I need you to buckle in and wait a few weeks for this shit.” I’m watching this concerto of internal bleeding given to Sunny like…

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Epilogue (cuz this shit is DEAD, DONE, OVER after that):

[check_list]

    After the somewhat slaughter, Lydia is being reborn again to her Father’s congregation and you can tell this humble pie tastes terrible in her mouth.

  • Widow confronts Tilda about her lying about MK. Tilda ain’t really buying her bullshit, but Widow tells her that she used to be “special” like MK.
  • Veil shows up to the crime scene and finds Sunny’s broken sword, but no Sunny. Welp. I guess getting back to Widow’s place shouldn’t be TOO hard this time of night.
  • Oh Sunny? His ass on a boat getting out of the Badlands, like the River King promised him. sorta. He ain’t happy about Sunny bullshitting him about the bounty and not killing MK. Now he just about to sell his ass to Donald Trump because people of the Asian Diaspora are the only ones he hasn’t said some overtly racist shit about.
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    Oh…, my bad. Maybe he’s just checking boxes and trying to get a free sub from a racist Subway franchise or something.
  • As for MK, he in a box, doing voice over work, being driven across the desert to the Shaolin Temple. He says this is only the beginning, but I need AMC to show us the receipts and make that shit true.

[/check_list]

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  • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

  • Show Comments

  • Gentleman Scholar (@thall612)

    The akatsuki? Lol, nice. Sunny was doing his numbers before they went avatar state. I really rock with this show.

  • Romita

    Your review of S1E6 of “Into the Badlands”……. total amazeballs. Thank you.

  • Jon

    Best. Episode. Review. EVAH!!!

  • Sam

    Yo, y’all are the greatest for this. I was enjoying every paragraph with joy and laughter!

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