Season: 1 / Episode: 1 / AMC
***Spoilers be getting put in the Boston Crab hold and getting their body broken in half***
Ayo, welcome to the Badlands! Ain’t gonna lie, a brotha been Patiently Waiting for a track to explode on ever since AMC started pushing those promos like that raw uncut on the block. We open with a gorgeous field of red flowers and our man 50 grand, Sunny, decked in red leather on a motorcycle, lookin’ like he on a mission. The narrator says that the wars were so long ago that nobody even remembers them, but considering that there’s a bunch of helpless bastards on the side of the road with their wrists bound and throats cut, I’m guessing that ain’t shit changed but the dot on the range.
Yo, this shit is just fuckin’ savage, man. Somebody hijacked the truck and merked out ayebody. Little kids caught the low fade too. Sunny scopin’ the scene like, “these muthafuckas got no decency.” He peeps the fire off in the distance and figures its time to collect.
At the camp, these cats roasting a pig on the spit, but I can’t do the math on this shit because dead men don’t need to feed, yo. As the poet Marlo Stansfield once said, “They were dead when they opened their mouth, they just walking around not knowing it yet.” Now listen, me, I ain’t never lived in a post fall of society world where the wild shit can pop off at any given moment, but my life in the pre-Badlands has revealed some universal truths to me. Now, if you one of the ruffians, you might want to do a self assessment. Look at yourself and look at Sunny. Sunny is rocking the red babysoft leather and his motorcycle hums like a lullaby. He looks like he’s taken care of and there’s probably a reason for that. You look like you got selected for a Kanye West fashion walk that’s being held in District 12. Again, probably a reason for that.
Also, you probably consider yourself some thorough dudes that put work in. Ok, fair enough. But when a dude walks up in your spot, knowing the danger ahead of him, but leaves his fucking katana blade AT the motorcycle…maybe you do a quick inventory of how much your life is worth.
Lastly, before the get down starts getting down, the leader of these nomads knows that Sunny is a Clipper aka a personal warrior of a Baron aka the dude with the wallet that says bad muthafucka on it. You already know how this is gonna end. Dude didn’t even try to cut a deal.
Needless to say, Sunny start taking these cats apart at the seams. Literally. Man, this many limbs ain’t been broken in one scene since Iverson broke off Jordan and then Sportscenter played it 1200 times that night (and then Youtube got a hold of it and Michael ain’t been able to virtually walk since).
The Nomad leader gives Sunny about 12 seconds worth of effort, but then Sunny turns his arm into a gotdamn croissant and serves him up on the fire.
Sunny opens the trunk and this kid pops up like a damn Jack in the box. I don’t know where dude running to though, like he heard all that carnage happening and thinks that Sunny ain’t agile enough to run him down? Sunny ain’t even got the effort in him and hits kid with the Catwoman bola, bringing him down.
Kid wakes up while Sunny digging graves for the other transports and tries to sneak off. Sunny is like…fam, just stop. Kid says he survived because the Widow paid the nomads in gold deplumes to capture him specifically. Kid wants Sunny just to let him go and Sunny like…”I did not just put about 10 numbers on the board just so I could let you run free through the gotdamn fields like this The Color Purple or some shit.” Then kid gets bold, making fun of Sunny’s name on some “Why, because you brighten everyone’s day.” Sunny should’ve been like, actually my name is “Skullfuck Smartass kids I find in trunks, because I Skullfuck Smartass kids I find in trunks. Now keep digging.”
Back on the Plantation, Sunny and Happy to not be in a trunk anymore but you can’t tell, arrive at the fort. Can we stop for a second and remark on how gorgeous this shit is? This shit lookin’ like Cary Fukunaga did some opiates in Tennessee country as he fell asleep to watching some samurai flicks. Sunny and This Bastard Here pull up to the big house where the damn Kobra Kai getting in their work on the front lawn. Sunny takes dude to the Cogs, where the boys that dream of being Clippers get to whup each other’s ass just for the shot. Cogs making the the Fighting Pits in Meereen look like the ball pool at Burger King. Broke Privilege talking about no thanks, but I take it he wasn’t paying attention when they drove through the AFOREMENTIONED PLANTATION WITH REAL LIFE SLAVES IN THE POPPY FIELDS.
They go to see the Baron, who is welcoming the new recruits in a room. I guess. Can you even call this shit a room? Shit looks like the Grapes of Wrath. The Night’s Watch too good to hold meetings in this “room.” We get introduced to the Baron as he holds up the good book…then promptly defecates on it. Baron out here delivering the good word when he tells Sunny to come snatch off the vest. Fam. Clippers get hashmarks tatted on their back when they take a life. But why Sunny got the United States railway system on his back, fam?!?! Sunny has literally been putting numbers on the board! This dude got the population of Minnesota between his shoulders. I think this should be standard. Take a life, you gotta get a hashtag, yo. At least for the police, no telling how many officers got fresh ink this year.
Baron out here dropping the hottest verse in these Badland Streets and caps it off with the rallying cry “Do you wanna kill in my name?” which is dope, because it’s fucking dope. Like you don’t want to stand up in your team meeting at work right now and yell that shit after announcing you met your quarterly goals. This shit works EVERYWHERE, even church, especially since that’s what God said for most of the Old Testament. It’s also dope by default, because it sounds a hell of a lot better than, “Do you want to work like a savage in my poppy fields and die at the age of 47 with no spine left and the cartilage rotted away in your knees…IN MY NAME?!” Hard Pass.
After his release party, Baron asking why the Kid was targeted by the Widow, but the kid is like…um…who me. I barely know who the fuck I am Baron sir…Dude gets put in the fighting pits and is there for 12 seconds before he gets chain snatched, LITERALLY GETS HIS CHAIN SNATCHED. Gotdamn man, good thing cats ain’t wearing the new J’s in the Badlands. MK (as we finally learn his name) got some fight in him, but when it gets broken up, Sunny look at MK pendant with mad familiarity.
Baron walking up on his property (again, gorgeous fucking shot) like he own the muthafucka…cuz he does. The Baron’s wife, Lydia is opening the mail and informs her husband that another Baron has declined his wedding invitation. Wait, run that back…
Yeah, it’s what you thought, Baron is getting married again (as in, in addition to) and his present wife is the one checking the RSVPs for that shit. That’s like riding your bike to the track to get a good run in. Lydia acting like she ain’t bothered by this new wife shit, but she look like she been patiently waiting for a Baron to explode on. Baron getting headaches and Lydia urges him to give more responsibility to Ryder, their son. But apparently, Ryder is more Fredo than Michael and the Baron be like…naaaaah, let’s wait.
Sunny at the barracks looking at the bling that came off of MK’s neck while catching flashbacks of when he saw his fam get cut down like the poor bastards MK was rolling with. Ryder tries to press Sunny on going after the Widow, but everybody but Ryder knows this shit sounds like a terrible idea. Baron rolls up on his new bride, Jade while Ryder and Lydia watch Pops sewing his royal oats. You can see Ryder planting seeds, trying to succeed pops prematurely.
Sunny gets let through a gate which must lead to the South Central part of The Fort. Shit is just straight up grimy here. They ain’t even got street lights, fam. Sunny enter Gepeto’s workshop where THE FAIREST MAIDEN OF THEM ALL is giving dude a new hand. I’m guessing we don’t need the backstory for how he lost the original one.
Fast Forward to EVERYONE’S NEW FAVORITE SHIP IF THEY STILL BREATHIN’. Could’ve sworn I’ve seen an article on this type of blended beauty before. So Veil (VEIL, ya’ll?! Like, can we talk about the perfection of how this character has been presented so far…aiight, I’ma chill, I told myself I’ma chill talkin’ bout Da Fictional Bae, Veil) has been wifey’d up with the baddest Clipper walking and teaching our boy how to read. I’m not trying to decide what cats should do with their life. All I’m sayin is, if you are attracted to women and you find one that gorgeous who will make you literate and is willing to rub the very back in which you’ve tattooed over four hundred dead men upon, maybe you stop lookin’.
Of course, the good times stop rollin’ cuz Veil tells Sunny she’s pregnant. Of course, this shit is forbidden and Sunny got a decision to make. Veil wants to leave the Badlands and Sunny is like, that shit is a fairytale. But..Veil looks like she’s from a fairytale, so…seems legit.
MK is taking a stroll to the showers like this shit is summer basketball camp when he gets jumped by the same punk that took his chain in the pits. Dude hits MK with a good combo, but he needs to learn those cop interrogation tricks where they fuck you up with a phone book but you can’t see the bruises. Now we know why the Widow wants MK because when this dude bleeds he turns into fucking Kung Lao minus the hat. Dudes eyes turn black and he just start zoning out while he activates his Sharingan.
When the smoke clears, Sunny got a front row seat to watching MK bicycle kick this muthafucka across the room into a mirror, then use the glass shard to take out dude’s right eye. Sunny like…I must still be drunk or in the afterglow with Veil cuz I can’t believe what I just saw.
MK wakes up in Sunny’s barracks like, so, uh…what the fuck are you? MK been riding the beat like that since he was young. Him and ma dukes were searching for a healer when they got caught up in this shit. Sunny learns a little more about the symbol and that it comes from a place beyond the Badlands, apparently the same place Sunny is from. Sunny tells MK that Ryder took the chain, which is basically telling MK to do some stupid shit.
Sunny was rolling over to Veil’s house (I mean, why would you leave) but instead, gets rolled up on by some cats that must have gotten a two for one deal on samurai steel. AYEBODY out here with two swords, cuz that’s just how shit goes in the Badlands. Sunny like, fam, I keep the Leonardo set on me to, So Miley, What’s good?!?!
Sunny out here barely breaking a sweat. This shit lookin’ like poetry. And death. Like, a whole lot of death. Meanwhile, Widow chillin in the car just watching this shit, critiquing Sunny’s technique and shit. Sunny finally gives the last dude the neckbeard trim and Widow steps out to basically say, that was dope, but you still can’t sit with us.
She’s looking for the boy of course, and she must know some shit about Sunny too, hoping that shit will convince him to betray his Baron and hand over MK.
Now MK might be a lights out killer when his eyes do that Peak Blackness shit, but he ain’t too fuckin’ bright. Ryder catches MK stealing his chain back and unfortunately doesn’t beat him up enough to bloody him. Lydia recognizes the pendant too, so it seems all the women know what the fuck is going on in this show, even if the dudes don’t. Ryder says he’s gonna execute MK in the morning.
Sunny comes and sees MK chained up and he’s like, “Didn’t I just, I mean, I know what the fuck I said, cuz I was there when I said it. What was that, like, 20 minutes ago?” MK knows that Sunny saw some familiar shit in the pendant and wants to know more about it. Sunny don’t want this bastard to die, so he cuts him loose, basically guaranteeing that his own life about to get hella difficult. Lydia sees the boy escaping and since she knows everything else, she probably knows how that happened.
The Baron summons Sunny to tell him he wants him closer to the house. Might be because he feels Sunny is wavering. Might be because he knows Ryder is ready to collect his fade. The Baron tells Sunny that only they can stop the other Barons together and Sunny knows that Ryder ain’t gonna like being cut out. Baron like, fuckin’ kids man, you better be thankful you ain’t gotta worry about that shit.
Then we see that Jade, the Baron’s wife to be actually doing the Badlands / No Pants Dance with his son.
Oh. I’m sure that will end well.