Wakanda Barbershop – Episode Six: Heroes Watch The Republican National Convention

*It’s a Monday night in Wakanda as Otis is the last barber working for the night. Adam Brashear aka Blue Marvel is in chair number one getting a cut.*

Otis: I appreciate you coming here like you do Adam, but considering you don’t even get older anymore, you know your hair don’t grow either, right brotha?

Adam: I still like to keep it up tight, Otis. My hair already gray, it can’t be lookin’ scraggly. Just the edge up will work.

*Otis turns channel to CNN*

Otis: I forgot the Republicans were on TV tonight.

Adam: Jesus, Otis. This shit is painful. I remember when the racism in politics wasn’t so blatant.

Otis: Brotha, you older than me, you absolutely remember when the racism was this blatant.

Adam: True.

Otis: Did this dude from Iowa just say that “what other subgroup of people contributed more to western civilization” than white people?
Adam: Jesus, don’t let Apocalypse hear that shit. Dude will raise the rivers again just to prove a point. Otis, you a Wakandan, why we even watching this mess anyway?

Otis: You Americans like British dramas. Wakandans like American Sketch Comedy.

Adam: You get tired of being clever?

Otis: Like Trump gets tired of feeling the breeze on his scalp.

*The door opens up and and in walks Victor Alvarez aka Power Man 2.0 and Kamala Khan aka Ms. Marvel.*

Otis: Can I help you young folks?

Victor: Is it too late to get cut
Victor: Is it too late to get cut?

Otis: [Looks up at TV with RNC on] Come on in, it’s gonna be a long night.

Adam: Good to see you again Vic. How did you find this place

Kamala: He followed the Chi here…

Victor: Hey, it worked didn’t it?

Adam: What did you do, set your chi to the Blackest corner in the known universe?

Victor: …something like that.

Kamala: Hey Mr. Brashear.

Otis: I appreciate a young lady that respects her elders’ elders.

Adam: Shut up, Otis.

Victor: What are y’all watchin’?

Otis: The Republican Convention. It’s like watching what would’ve happened if Red Skull became a real estate mogul and got interested in politics because he was bored.

 Kamala: Yeah, it's really hard to watch

Kamala: Yeah, it’s really hard to watch

Otis: [stares at Kamala] What brought you to Wakanda girl, you lookin’ for a place to stay in case this clown wins?

Kamala: Basically. But if I go, they gonna kick Victor out too.

Victor: And Spider-Man.

Kamala: At least half of him.

Victor: Ghost Rider.

Kamala: Nova.

Victor: America Chavez. Twice.

Kamala: Hell, the Whole Young Avengers Squad gonna have to get the hell up out.

Adam: Damn, that’s some cold shit.

Otis: Don’t worry Adam. You ain’t going anywhere, Trump will still need some Black people to work the White House grounds.

*Melania Trump comes to the podium on TV.*

Adam: Not sure I’m ready for this. They’ve been talking about how she will be the most famous first lady ever if she wins.

Victor: Like FLOTUS didn’t put numbers on the board for 8 summers? They gonna miss her when she’s gone.

Otis: I miss her already and I ain’t even from there. I hope to Bast this speech isn’t landfill though.

Melania Trump on TV: We will no longer have our security threatened. No More Mutants.
Melania Trump on TV: We will no longer have our security threatened. No More Mutants.

Victor: Hold up…

Adam: Naw, that was a coincidence. Melania don’t know nothing about House of M.

Kamala: What was House of M?

Otis: Young Lady, I like you. Don’t get kicked out of my Barbershop.

Adam: Ya’ll heard from Sam Wilson?

Victor: Not since Misty came looking for him here.

Adam: Oh yeah.

Otis: [staring at his repaired front door] Yeah, me too.

Melania Trump on TV: And when my husband had to file Bankruptcy, I told him he was strong and could overcome this. I told him, that if you can’t win, you have to figure out how not to lose.

Adam: Now wait a gotdamn minute. Didn’t Valeria Richards say that?

Kamala: I know who that is!

*Everyone stares at Kamala*

Kamala: What, she was a judge at this science fair I went to.

Otis: Y’all hear about this Riri girl, built her own Power Armor or something like Iron Man?

Adam: Yeah, there’s been a file on her for a while.

Kamala: A file?

Adam: NSA… I still know how to get access.

Otis: Bast give me strength.

Melania Trump on TV: And we do not take your vote of confidence lightly. With great power there must also come great responsibility.

Kamala: Okay, I’ve definitely heard that before.

Victor: EVERYONE HAS! Did she just rip off Spider-Man?

Adam: This shit getting out of hand.

Victor: When did Marvel start writing speeches for the Republicans?

Adam: Don’t even get me started.

Kamala: Our government is such a mess. Did you see that picture Paul Ryan sent out with the interns?

Otis: That shit looked whiter than a DC reboot.

Melania Trump on TV: And when we take the White House back, you won’t have to worry about people saying Happy Holidays to you. We will bring back Christmas. Sweet Christmas.

Victor: Oh my god.

Kamala: I think I just heard Luke Cage punch a wall. In Queens.

Adam: Is nobody else hearing this shit?

Victor: The way the Republicans are cheering, I had no idea they were such big comic book fans.

Kamala: Yeah, well they don’t like Captain America.

Melania Trump on TV: Hillary Clinton is a creature of the night. Like a rodent or a bat. And this election, we will Break the Bat.

Otis: Okay, now this is just getting rude.

Kamala: I feel like she walked into a comic book shop and bought the most popular trades from the last 20 years to prepare for this speech.

Adam: I feel like they probably offered G. Willow Wilson a cabinet position ‘cuz they thought it was an old White dude by the name and then they saw a picture of her and pretended it was a prank call.

Otis: Okay Adam, you’re done. Victor, get your ass in this chair and let’s get this cut in. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Victor: Hey don’t rush my cut pops.

Otis: You gonna see the chi of these clippers coming for your ear if you keep talkin’.

Melania Trump on TV: So please join me, my extravagant supporters. My excellent conservatives. My exquisite defenders of the constitution. To me, my X-Men!

Kamala: Okay, I’m leaving.

Victor: Where you going?

Kamala: Back to Jersey to volunteer for Hillary or work a phone bank or something.

Victor: Hillary doe?!

 Kamala: GirlIGuessImWithHer (Ana Hildago art)

Kamala: GirlIGuessImWithHer (Ana Hildago art)

Victor: Cyclops probably rolling over in his grave after that last one.

Adam: What are you talking about, Scott isn’t dead?

Victor: But what about Secret Wars?

Otis: Secret What?

Victor: I dunno, I suddenly have no memory of what I was just talking about.

Adam: Yeah, well I remember why I hate politics. I can’t believe this shit show.

Melania Trump on TV: Thank you Cleveland. Thank you RNC. Hail Hydra.

All: Son of a —

Welcome to the Wakanda Barbershop! Here we get to see your favorite Black Marvel characters, as well as other characters of color, be self-aware and talk about what’s going on in our timeline of reality and their fictional 616 Marvel universe. What better place to hang and vent than the best barbershop on Earth, located in Wakanda? It’s so popular that characters from other comics publishers are allowed to stop in. Even characters that have been in limbo for years can be spotted in the Wakanda Barbershop, “Where That Atmosphere Be So Black.”

Are you following Black Nerd Problems on Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr or Google+?


  • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

  • Show Comments

  • Evil Ninja (@EvilNinjaX24)

    Yeah, it’s time to get my passport and a work visa so I can attempt to chill in Wakanda for a few years, ’cause shit is stressful in the US.

    • Miranda Goldstine

      Me too, if I can’t get to Montreal, I’m going to Wakanda

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *