It’s a New Year (HAPPY NEW YEAR from the BNP fam) and we are all excited for what a brand new calendar may bring. As the New Year carries a blank slate in a sense, a wonderment for what comes next, there are some resolutions we wish people would make. Some resolutions include giving the people what they deserve in the year that Back to the Future II promised us many things and some items that need to get the Stark Family treatment this year.
New Quest Available
A Period Drama with Mostly People of Color
As cynical as I am, I’m a bit surprised we don’t have something like this yet. You can’t swing a bored TV executive by the tail without hitting a new TV drama that takes place at least 20 years ago. And, Hollywood loves to show us racism as long as it isn’t present racism so we can act like we are 1000 years removed from it. So why can’t we get that as an ongoing series? I’ve alluded to this idea before, but we really are ready to see a multi-season drama dedicated to the Harlem Renaissance. Or the life of Roberto Clemente. Or Chinese migrant workers. I find it funny how I have to hear how we are in a post racial society, but simultaneously hear Ridley Scott and Aaron Sorkin say they can’t sell minorities in prominent roles to the American public or get those projects funded. If the Wire Marathon from last week taught us anything, it’s that if the quality and support is there, you can make a great show (the greatest show) no matter what your characters look like.
Half Life 3
Biggest pipe dream on the board. In fact, Valve may have already ruled out the possibility that Half Life 3 even exists in production, let alone will come out this year. But Half Life 2 (proper) came out in 2004. Basically, Barack Obama was a name more likely to show up in a random name generator for a Bioware game then be the name of our President when Half Life 2 dropped. “Episode Two” came out when Blackberry had the game on lock and people still thought touch screens were some Minority Report type shit. So we might, maybe, get “Episode 3” in the next 18 months and I can’t really complain about that. But come on Valve. Let Gordon Freeman LIVE.
An Image Comic Book to be made into a Movie or TV Series
Comic books are the hottest thing in media right now. Their movies are the biggest, they can’t put enough of them on TV and it’s boom in those areas are the biggest impact to Halloween costumes since some pervert discovered you could put “naughty” before any profession for a costume with hope to entice women to rock out with their tick tocks out. But an overwhelming number of these comic book adaptations are from Marvel and DC, which typically includes super powered heroes. Image has made a mainstay of removing the actual superhero from its comics and letting the story be told through the world the author creates or by some off kilter motivation of the murky protagonist…not because great responsibility comes with their power. Yes, we know Brian K Vaughan is on record as saying he never wants to see Saga made into a movie (while we here at BNP respectfully disagree), but the Image roster has so many great stories ready for primetime. Lazarus (for which Michelle Rodriguez has already professed her love for), East of West (imagine how gorgeous that would be), Wicked and The Divine, Pretty Deadly, Ten Grand (a better Constantine flick), Southern Bastards, Bitch Planet, Sex Criminals, my God SEX CRIMINALS as a TV show on Showtime?!?! Are you kidding me?!?! I really do need my SAG card.
Pass the Sticks
(for those not versed, “Pass the Sticks” refers most specifically to when a group of friends are playing Madden and someone is clearly getting the brakes beat off of them, but is stubborn in thinking that they will either have a huge comeback or will win the next game defiantly. Everybody in the room except said person knows this is bullshit bravado and has deemed that for the immediate future, ain’t no coming back from that ass whuppin. So the inclination is for the rest of the room to tell the loser they need to “pass the sticks” and let someone else get on. This analogy also works for Super Smash Bros, Mario Kart and dancing with the pretty woman in the night club that hasn’t made eye contact with you for two songs, but has asked why your friend is so shy…)
The Conflicted, Troubled, Morally Ambiguous White Cisgender, Heterosexual Male Protagonist in a TV Show
Let’s be clear about two things off the top: One, this trend IS changing, if ever slowly. The popularity of the Thursday Shondaland shows, The Good Wife, The Comeback, Homeland, etc, does prove that there is more than one way to make a good TV show, even if they are the exceptions to the rule. The second is that most of the great shows from the last 15 years or so do have that very, very specific lead character. From The Sopranos to Breaking Bad to Sons of Anarchy to Mad Men to True Detective and on and on and on; no one is going to argue those aren’t outstanding shows. But they weren’t great BECAUSE they had a straight white guy doing questionable shit. They were great because they had all the best resources available to them as far as writers, production value, platform and promotion in addition to having a great actor who happened to be white at the helm.
Low Res Memes with Terrible Messaging
Look, I ain’t here to shame the meme revolution. If you have read a recap from the site or have livetweeted along with us during a TV event, you know that BNP fux with memes. But I don’t know how in 2015, the year of our Lord, we still keep getting pixilated ass pictures that look like they were an ironed on design on a faded t-shirt from the early aughts that’s been through the washer 172 times. I don’t even know where low resolution pictures come from any more. I have no less than 8 electronic devices at the crib that take pictures and I couldn’t make them take low resolution pictures like that if I broke them in half first. If you out here giving the hood what it needs with that divine wisdom because you had some extra time on your break in the call center, then you gotta at least make that shit right for a 720p display, fam. Instagram is only gonna put up with your bullshit for so long. And oh yeah, I don’t fuck with Raven-Symone either, but y’all gotta stop using her as the template for hood vernacular. Especially since she doesn’t even identify with black folk like that.
Denzel Washington Walking Away from Something Exploding
Make no mistake, I still rock with Denzel, even if he’s firmly in the “Al Pacino as a football coach is the same as a cop is the same as a vigilante is the same as a teacher” point of his career. Nobody remembers what Denzel’s character’s names are any more and that’s awesome for him, less so for the critical movie buff. But I digress. Denzel has walked away from more shit blowing up then the Bush/Cheney administration. We might as well call him Denzel The Venture Capitalist, at this point. I realize that this must be in his contract for each movie like Tom Cruise running or 1990s Wesley Snipes having a fucked up haircut, but I think we’ve reached the tipping point, people. What happens when Denzel inevitably moves into the romantic comedy arc of his career? Are we going to get shots of Denzel arguing with a fellow divorcee in a restaurant, which leads to him storming out to the valet while the whole establishment gets the combustion special behind him? What about the Lean on Me remake in 2018 (which I totally just made up)when he storms out of the music class when they butcher “Fair Eastside?” It’s best to shut this down now before some innocent love interest who’s grown son doesn’t get along with Denzel when he comes back from college, gets hurt.