Counterpart Recap: The Lost Art of Diplomacy

  • Season: 1 / Episode: 3 / Starz

    Damn, we get this shit started quick seeing Emily Prime on the street, looking all slow-mo and photogenic and shit. EPMD bout to make moves and then skrrrrrrrt—car crash. My bad. That wasn’t EPMD. That was Emily Silk getting sideswiped by a student driver or some shit. Howard gets to the hospital and they basically telling him that his wife is all kinds of fucked up. Dude is a frantic mess.

    And we’re back to today where Howard still going to see his wife except now there’s club bouncers at the door of her room and shit and they ain’t letting folks in with no tennis shoes, white tees or hoodies. Howard start telling E-Coma about his promotion, even though he know that shit wasn’t on merit.

    Maaaaaaan, listen, EPMD catching an early feature and they got a public advertisement for spreading germs and shit. One kid coughs and everybody treat that little muthafucka like Patient Zero. Little kids doing the reverse rap video walk and backing up from this dude like he’s the origin of the zombie apocalypse. They strap up they mask and do everything short of stoning this dude. I say gotdamn man. That’s some cold ass shit. But yo, Earth Prime is all kinds of fucked up man. Germs got them hella shook. You sneeze from germs and they might put your ass in Riker’s Island solitary confinement.

    EPMD is there on a meet and you know this shit is real cuz she got the nine ready. Dude got that intel on who set her up with that fake ass authorization. She bout to bounce before she also gives EPMD the scoop on how Baldwin vs The World turned out on the other side. EPMD like, man fuck that, I got to mobilize my shit and figure out what happened.

    The police aka the clueless muthafuckas about this Crisis on Infinite Earths shit are interrogating Baldwin. They like, check it… why your ruthless murdering ass got the same prints as the woman we caught you dead with, huh? Baldwin like… man, speak no evil, my dude, and kept that shit mad quiet.

    St. Pete doing his usual Wednesday routine with a prostitute up in the Waldorf and shit. He gets a call from… fuck it …who we assume is a powerful bastard asking about Baldwin. He questions St. Pete on that shit and your boy got no fucking clue what’s going on. Worse, said powerful bastard is calling St. Pete from St. Pete’s fucking office, so guess where we all know where the fuck St. Pete ain’t at?

    So now, St. Pete gotta go off on his crew since he bout to get his head lopped off when he meets the powerful bastard. Oh, extra points, the powerful bastard is his father-in-law. Fun. And, he works in Diplomacy apparently. Which means he bout to exploit the shit out of this Baldwin in custody shit. Howard In Black is like, yeah, time to let these muthafuckas know I’m in the building and hit up the embassy to stall negotiations. Aldrich still nursing that lip and now he gotta drag Howard Silk everywhere with him so he doesn’t create any more public shootings.

    Well, look like Ian bout to get some burn as he gets the mission to go to the other side and find out what the fuck is going on before this deal for Baldwin gets done. But he gotta take EPMD with him and he like “nah fam, that ain’t no dinner thing.” But EPMD got connections so he got no choice. EPMD is rolling cuz she wants to clear her name and Howard in Black is the only one that can do that.

    Speaking of HIB, he at the embassy to see what magic he can whip up to stop the deal. This shit look like Fort Knox. Cameras everywhere. HIB getting escorted by armed guards and shit. He finally run up on the 32-inch inseam-in-charge and welcomes him as a fellow traveler from the other side.

    Aldrich and Howard got to interrogate Baldwin. Everybody sees Aldrich and just ghosts that shit immediately. Housekeeping got mad fuckin’ pull, yo. Baldwin is like, I ain’t answering your questions since you put the kill order on my bizzaro self, so send the lame in here that don’t shoot muthafuckas. Baldwin asks why Howard tried to stop the shooting and Howard is like…yeah, cuz she ain’t do shit but look like you, fam. You ain’t supposed to die over that shit. Baldwin asks Howard how he feels about his other, and Howard is like, yeah, I wish I never met that muthafucka. He throwing dirt on our name and shit.

    Yeah… shit ain’t going great for HIB. He talking to the diplomat and dude giving HIB a hard fucking time. He like… yeah, your idea is shit, you fucked this up and now, I’m leaving so the inquiry team can have a look at you. But ya know, thanks for bringing yourself in.

    St. Pete walk up in his step-papa’s office and they already in there negotiating how much shit they gonna try and fleece Prime for. Diplomacy bout to rob these muthafuckas blind, man. They got all the leverage cuz Baldwin might be on some off the books black ops shit that the other side wants to keep quiet.

    Ian and EPMD getting inoculations before crossing over. They gotta get these joints every three months before crossing now… for six hours, fam. And one building. They can’t even leave the embassy grounds. That’s like spending two hours in the mirror getting your edges right just so you can go out and get the mail and then turn your ass back around. Everybody has to go across alone, so EPMD out here taking them small steps for Emily kind outchea. Shit look like the third act of a horror film when you get trapped and make your last stand against the chainsaw wielding cat that was chasing you.

    EPMD and Ian get to the embassy and shit is a lot more relaxed than when HIB came through. And yeah… HIB is there waiting for them. Ian is like, yeah, tell us what you know my dude and HIB is like, man, I just got here. I went for a jog one day and ended up in another dimension so I don’t even know what you talking about. Then he looking at EPMD and drops this bar:
    “Well, now I know the answer to the question of ‘who do I have to fuck to get on this team.’”

    Gotdaaaaaaaamn.

    HIB giving everyone a hard fucking time. He like, I don’t trust anyone in this room. Not you. Not you when you were a baby. Not the woman I got history with. I don’t even know this fuckin’ guy. And fuck this guy too.

    Diplomacy meets with the ambassador. Ambassador tries to give a good offer but yeah… that ain’t fuckin’ cutting it.

    Ambassador: You ask for the world.
    Diplomacy: Well… your world.

    This shit is not going to be nice. At. All. They going back and forth until St. Pete’s phone goes off and you would’ve thought someone at that table spontaneously combusted or some shit. Yeah, the other side ain’t got cell phones, fam. Dude rockin’ an I28 and the other side still using dial up and shit. That’s. Fucked. Up. Apparently, the other side didn’t have time for invention and innovation because they been fighting plagues and trying not to go out like the dinosaurs and shit. And… there might be some implication that the shit was manufactured. Welp. As you can guess, that shit didn’t exactly go as planned and everybody got up from the table with hurt feelings.

    Man, EPMD talking to HIB and she out here talkin’ ALLLLLLL THE SHIT. She says that it was Pope that put that action code to get your boy murked. HIB like nah fam, that can’t be right. EPMD is like clean the shit out your ears, fam. Cats is dying in the streets yo.

    In the police station Baldwin and Howard still talking and Howard is like, dude, you was about to put the hit on my wife… the fuck, man? Baldwin like, look bruh, you might hate HIB, but we all meet in the middle somewhere.

    Well, shit, the deal is done and Diplomacy is celebrating. St. Pete try to stall that shit one more time and his pappy-in-law is like, fam, this is actually the whole point and y’all just running around in shadows, bruh. Then he drops the reality check on him, talking about, you’re a good enough dude and you make my daughter happy (smile emoji). But you got the silver spoon so far up your ass, you spit metal when you talk. And being at this level… you gotta actually earn that shit.

    EPMD and HIB exchanging some info and HIB discloses that this shit be because of a dispute in Management. Brotha man (three fingers), fourth floor. HIB starts holding back some information of who his sources were and THEN we get some real truth. Turns out that EPMD was deep in the game well before HIB was and he never forgave him for keeping that from her. That shit created a divide and your boy been out here working his way up the ladder and crossing over like Iverson ever since.

    EPMD asks if they are still together in this world and HIB ain’t got the heart to tell her that she brain dead as fuck over here. When they leave, HIB gives EPMD some code when she goes back home. Ayebody know that shit is code but can’t nobody do shit about it. Even Ian, who’s pissed that his stroke game ain’t good enough to get her to confide to him.

    Baldwin getting transported as she’s going to be traded back to other side with the deal done. Buuuuuuuuuuut, they get caught in the street first. Whole team of muthafuckas started going all Heat on them and shooting up the vehicle (even though it’s bulletproof). Well, that muthafucka ain’t explosion proof. They bout to light the whole joint on fire until Howard convinces Aldrich to let Baldwin go. They would have probably got murked the fuck out if Baldwin didn’t stop the kill order. They speed off and leave Howard and Aldrich swinging in the wind.

    Since HIB just got his visa revoked, he knows when he goes back that he can’t come back over. So he’s like… um, send Howard the Lame instead. I’ll stay here for a week, get to the bottom of this shit.

    Back on Prime, EPMD following that cryptic ass sentimental for the very non-sentimental HIB. She finds the letters he was talking about and leaves the church with that shit. On the other side, Howard looking at his world for the last time in a bit before he crosses over to Prime Contagion. EPMD finds a quiet bench and reads the letters.

    Turns out, HIB is there on an assignment to find the sender’s aggressors, but also to protect Howard the Lame. Turns out, Emily’s ain’t loyal cuz E-Coma kept shit from Howard just like EPMD did. That shit is A LOT for EPMD to handle and them tears start flowing down the cheek. She gets home, pricks her thumb on something as soon as she comes in the door… yeah… that wasn’t some accidental shit cuz she woozy and shit. She eventually collapses on her own floor and the cleaners with the footies on their shows come out the back room, dropping pills around her and shit before bouncing, making that shit look like an overdose. Damn yo, things are as bad as they’ve ever been.

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    • William is the Editor-In-Chief, leader of the Black Knights and father of the Avatar. With Korra's attitude, not the other one.

    • Show Comments

    • Andrew Evans

      I’m a white dude from Alabama, and I f’in loved this review bro! At first I was like, nah.. But this was hilarious and very accurately written! I’m guessing maybe 75-80% of white folks out there could not follow this article(bc most are not fluent in this type of slang!) fortunately I am and I absolutely love this show so far and laughed out loud while reading this review! Thanks bro-

    • Derek

      first result after searching about letter Emily read, was not disappointed.

    • Isaac

      This review made my day…

    • Evil Ninja (@EvilNinjaX24)

      Man, I should apologize for not getting into the reviews for this show sooner. Shame on me. Next review that shows up on my RSS, I’m here post-haste.

    • Perrita

      I cannot stop laughing. Howard the Lame!

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