Into The Badlands Recap: Monkey Leaps Through Mist

Season: 2 / Episode: 5 / AMC

Maaaan, they layin’ Ryder’s ass in state like he Ned Stark and shit. I’m like Grandad from Boondocks talkin’ about Rosa Parks; they gonna lay Ryder’s ass in state, they ain’t gonna lay me in state. This some bullshit.

Jade take the blood oath and become the new Baron. She smear that blood on Ryder’s hands and that gotta be the first time dude got his hands dirty. Better late than never, I suppose.

The buddy cop adventures of Sunny and Bajie continue as they go to see the Commandant about smuggling them into The Badlands. Turns out, these the same cats that sold Sunny to the mines in the first place. Sounds like a great plan so far. Commandant lookin’ like the Fifth Beetle that got tossed before the fame and had to find his own selling metal. Sunny hands them the Silver Moon’s blade as currency for the Badlands and Commandant is like, aiight bet. You know, the way cats tell you to walk into a room before them so they can stab your ass in the back.

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Quinn leading the League of Shadows through the woods and dude start seeing the Ghost of Not Ready for Prime Time Ryder Past. Quinn got that steel to the heart remorse already. Tilda apologizing to Ma Dukes for breaking protocol and ya know, coming to save her life. Widow like, nah, don’t apologize, you probably saved my life (something tells me she would’ve been aiight). Then Widow is like, it’s my own fault, I took some terrible fucking council and betray my instincts trying to be some bih I’m not. I ain’t naming no names on who gave me that bad intel. Bastard’s name might rhyme with “Hell No” though.

Widow bout to read Waldo, but Waldo is like, look ain’t nobody in this muthafucka know Ra’s al ghul already had a Lazarus Pit in the Badlands. Besides, if you help hunt this zombie muthafucka down, maybe the other Barons will let you keep your shit.

Must be Shirtless Sparring Saturday and these cats getting that bo staff training in. But everybody hear the horn and start assembling except MK. This dude done left his cape on the rock and made a run for it.

Maaaaaan, listen. Shit was all going well at dinner till Commandant says that a man should take pride in his work. And the Commandant takes pride in trafficking young girls. Ugh. Shit is never simple man. All Sunny wanna do is see Veil Da Fictional Bae and his child. Now he out here make deals with a slaver.

Then Commandant let that shit spill that the Baron’s faced off until Quinn hit them with that fear toxin and sent them runnin. Sunny like, nah fam, I got that tatted tear myself. Quinn dead. Commandant like, yeah, either you lying on your sword or he got a water bender at the crib bringing him back to life.

Sunny: Dammit Veil.

Quinn. Going. Through it, fam. Ghost of Not Ready for Prime Time Ryder Past sittin’ on the table talkin’ that shit. GONRFPTRP so much bolder in death then his ass was in life. I mean, I would respect the gangsta if he didn’t go Wally West when he saw Quinn in life last time.

Shit is all bad fam. GONRFPTRP is like, you were a bad Baron. A bad father. And Jade said you weren’t even packin’ like that. Cold world fam. GONRPTRP is like Veil gonna do you the same way and you know good and gotdamn well she ain’t fix your tumor, b. Quinn is like, I’m as strong as I’ve ever been and GONRFPTRP is like, word? If you so damn strong, why you getting bodied by dead singing Baron right now.

Lydia done been summoned by Jade to the Fort. She in the Scarlett Witch mourning garb. She legit look like she gonna lift that shit and be like No More Barons at any moment. She tells Lydia that Quinn came back to the Badlands and kicked over all the muthafuckin’ buildings, yo.

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Yoooooooo, why they got Veil Da Fictional Bae strapped tied down like Hannibal Lector dooooooooeee? Why they got her strapped to the barber chair like she tender-headed and momma ain’t got time for your ass to be squirming cuz she need to drop you off before she go shoppin? Oh…cuz she tried to escape and beat a man to death. That…that might be why. Quinn is on lockdown and his second in command wants some answers.

He like, yo, why we come back and find most of Edgar’s hopes and dreams scattered all over the gotdamn floor Veil? Veil like he tried to force himself on me, I had to defend myself. And as soon as she said that shit, I was like fuck…

…Edgar was probably gay. Le sigh. Sometimes you play that King of spades and think you got your books and then that dude next to you pull out the Little Joker and just dashes all your hopes and dreams (I mean…ya’ll do Joker, Joker, Deuce, Ace, right?). So, Veil done killed a man and called him a rapist after the fact. Yeah, that is probably clip worthy if we keepin’ it 100. Also, nice to see that in the savage world that is the Badlands where you can get killed for coughing too loud, they still fairly progressive with sexual orientation politics. But dude keeping Veil alive cuz ain’t a whole lot of folks still getting their PHD in medicine these days and he needs her to both tend to wound and stop bullshittin about saving Quinn. Dude still got a tumor the size of Pluto in his dome.

Maaaaaan, MK. First rule of runaway club is you do not stop to take down a bunch of dead muthfuckas from trees. What this muthafucka think, he done made it to Canada already and they can’t touch him since he crossed the border? Sheeeeeeiiiit. MK did it so that he could get that new Fall Line of Kanye’s 2017 catalog, but I gotta imagine there’s a better way to get a new fit, yo.

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Lydia is still sitting at Ryder’s corpse mourning the elegant and empty suit that used to be her son. Jade is like, yo, we both had one thing in common, we both loved your son. And I’m like…and y’all were both laying it down with his daddy. Y’all had that in common too but I GUESS THAT AIN’T RELEVANT RIGHT NOW. Lydia is like, 1) The dude I pretended to act like was dead about 20 minutes ago, I know he has a bunker North in the woods. And 2) I get to slip give him that Kendrick Lamar Blood intro.

Fam…fam. Bajie getting it on with one of the, lets call it what it is, slaves and he in Sunny’s tent. Sunny ain’t trying to see this shit. Nor is Sunny trying to hear Bajie’s 2015 slang. I mean, fam, Teddy Bear in the streets, warrior in the streets is a phrase, at this point, over 500 years old, yo. Think about that next time someone says Jive Turkey and you want to give them shit about it.

Amelia, the girl from earlier comes in to say, her mom gonna be in later to provide services. Sunny is like…fam, I”m good actually. Her mom’s Portia come in like, fam, lets get it shakin’ cuz I ain’t trying to get that Denzel Glory last tonight. When Sunny is like, you ain’t got to go home, you but you gots to get your sexual obligations the hell up out of here. Then Portia was like, actually, I’ve been saving up for a killa like you. She try to give him the William Munny Unforgiven deal and hire him kill the Commandant. Turns out Amelia is just about old enough to join the workforce. Sunny really trying to avoid that Godfather III shit and get pulled back in. But yo, once you put the US Railways on your back, all the world gonna see you as is a Clippa, fam.

So…Veil bout to be going through it. Why she doing her medical rounds, she go back to the clinic and see that Henny Rock is missing. So…she is of use to NOBODY right now, cuz this shit a nightmare already without y’all snatching the kid, yo. She goes and finds Quinn chillin’ with Henny Rock…and about a six inch blade. Maaaaaaaan, GONRFPTRP is standing behind him like the worst hype man fam. He got the pike pump in Quinn’s back and dude filling him with all kinds of air.

Gotta say, this shit legit look like some Angel and Devil on each shoulder, right down to GONRFPTRP wearing all red. Dude is like, kill that boy, like you killed meeeeeeeeee. He gonna betray you just like meeeeeeeeeee. But Veil is like, Henny Rock is the avatar, he gonna bring change to the world. And also, let me slide you this innocent kiss right quick while I disarm your unstable ass. I swear, Destiny’s Child “Survivor” started playing in the background on that shit. Da Fictional Bae out here DOING WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE. You don’t grow up in the Badlands and give birth to the son of the greatest killer alive without learning some tricks, fam. Also, pretty sure a kiss from Veil would suspend any demons in your head, so that scene feels hella accurate. GONRFPTRP is like, Women got you fucked up Quinn.

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Bajie is like, man, banging a slave girl reaaaaaalllly leads to good night’s sleep. He really feeling himself on some “MY LEFT STROKE JUST WENT VIRALLL” type shit. Sunny is really not trying to hear this shit right now. Dude just trying to keep his head down and get his ass back to Veil at any cost. Commandant is like, so, Portia tell to send me Hades last night? Sunny is like, fam, I fell asleep early, she might have been talking, but I didn’t really hear shit, I been battling these migraines and sometimes its hard to focus and…

But Commandant had spies, so he knew what was said. He like, thanks for not taking the job, but you know I’m bout to bring Portia out and show off the Tyrion Lannister scar right in front of you as part of your gift bag while you leave, right? Then this dude picks up Amelia and says she bout to be his best earner.

So…what was Commandant’s point here. Was he trying to build a fucking legend and rep that would go into the Badlands by word of mouth? Or did he just decide that it’s been a good run and this would be a decent way to commit suicide? Bajie sees the jig and is like, Sunny we really got a schedule to keep. Sunny tries to bargin for Amelia and Portia and Commandant is like…yeah, no. Then, proceeds to shank Portia on the spot anyway. I REALLY NEED TO KNOW WHAT THIS MUTHAFUCKAS GOAL WAS. Sunny is like, ok, I guess you want that Tupac back. Commandant is like, you’re out numbered and unarmed, but Sunny literally dressed like he knows how to use the Force, so all of this is a bad idea, yo.

So of course, Sunny start taking these muthafuckas apart. Legit 50 vs 1 and Sunny got time yo. Sunny been bumping that Kung Fu Kenny too and he’s like, “if I gotta beat the fuck out of a junkyard full of henchmen, I’ma make it look sexy.”Bajie finally grows a conscious and scoops up Portia before giving Commandant the Harley Quinn to the back of the head and snatching up Amelia too. They peel off in the whip, pick Sunny up on Front St, and peel out of the junkyard.

Widow is wheeling Waldo through the conservatory and is like, yeah, your idea wasn’t horrible. This shit just ain’t me yo. Graveling ain’t my ninja way. So I’m bout link up with Quinn and take the rest of these muthafuckas down.

Lydia don led Jade’s people to Quinn’s hideout in West Avalon. SHE GOT THAT NEW HUNTING MY EX GEAR ON FAM. Lydia is like Taylor Swift except WAY more interesting. She tried to record all the records about Quinn’s ass. They go through the door like this shit gonna be some stealth operation. YOU THINK QUINN JUST CHILLIN’ IN THE WOODS WITH NO DEFENSIVE PERIMETERS COME ON FAM YOU TELLIN’ ME JOKES. Yeah, these muthafuckas get blowed up ten feet deep into the spot. All the alarms sounding the League of Shadows getting in defensive stances and shit. Quinn is like, we under attack, but also, there is exactly one woman and one baby in this whole spot and how did y’all let both of them slip up outta here fam!?!?

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Veil Da Fictional Bae OUT HERE ON SOME GIVE US FREE / LIVING MY LIFE LIKE IT’S GOLDEN SHIT. She in the woods with Henny Rock making a legit break for it. Get that cardio in Veil, pace yourself and keep moving forward Bae!

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