In the history of hip hop there’s nothing more hype than Diddy yelling on a track. Say what you will – he ruined hip hop, he got ghost writers, he still owns 30% of Jadakiss – I don’t care! Look me in the eye, I don’t care, because Diddy yelling on a track is my shit yesterday, today, forever and always. “Hate Me Now”? Flames! “Victory”? Flames! “Don’t Eat”? Lord Jesus save me like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego because I’m trapped in a genjutsu of motherfucking flames!
Listen to that shit. I said listen to it! I fux with Dwayne Johnson hard but give me Diddy’s motivational alarm clock any day, fight me (just let me listen to “Victory” first to get my mind right, bet). And not just songs too, Diddy done ascended to yelling on Instagram, no beats, A Capella, just talking shit to no one in particular but everyone at the same time. Oh yes, that voiceover on Jada’s “Don’t Eat”? That build-up to Jada swinging out the gates, talking ‘bout “Waited for luck, it never landed (naw)”?! That shit was taken from Diddy’s ‘grams ‘cause apparently dude exclusively communicates in motivational speeches.
You think I’m talkin’ ’bout some money?
N***** on my comments page saying “Damn Diddy, leave some for the rest of us.”
YOU DON’T HUSTLE YOU DON’T EAT
YOU DON’T HUSTLE YOU DON’T EAT
— WORLDSTARHIPHOP (@WORLDSTAR) June 25, 2018
He was laying in bed! He got his arm up and the camera tilted down like a teenager playing on My Very First Thirst Trap playset just talking shit. Like he literally woke up this morning to talk shit. Like he gotta talk shit before breakfast. Like the cereal don’t taste the same if the dudes at his table know he ain’t get to talk his shit first. “Diddy you okay? You look a little… did you talk that shit today?” He doesn’t feel complete unless he reminds you what he probably reminds himself every day in the mirror to hype himself up, sucking his teeth like “you ain’t never gonna hustle hard as me.” Diddy on the ‘grams sounding downright disgusted.
I LOVE THAT SHIT. “You think I do this shit for the money? I do it ‘cause I WA—“ and then it cuts out. On my deathbed I want Diddy to show up and whisper in my ear what he said when it cut off.
Nurse: Jordan, Diddy’s here… he just wanted to pay his respects.
Diddy: Hey Jordan, it’s me. Sean. I just wanted to say… *bends over hospital bed* I do this ‘cause I want to.
Nurse: He’s gone now. This is how he wanted to go.
All your favorite songs should have Diddy yelling on the track. Any song is made better with Diddy yelling on the track. In a scientific study I made up for the purpose of this article, every song is made 40% better with Diddy yelling on the track. Take a classic, take hard rock, I don’t care! “Like a Virgin”? Add Diddy yelling on the track. “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”? Diddy yelling on the track. Star-Spangled Banner? Have the part with the bombs bursting in air and have Diddy yelling on the motherfucking track to that shit! WHAT WE GON’ DO NOW? IT’S ALL FUCKED UP NOW.
But you know Diddy’s best accomplishment? You know the hardest nerd classic – YES, NERD CLASSIC – Diddy ever blessed us with? Gather ‘round my people, because in 1998 Sean Puff P. Diddy Combs recorded “Come With Me” on a fucking Godzilla soundtrack. Oh you don’t remember? You forgot how big Godzilla was in 1998? That movie was everywhere. I still got a 48-ouce cup from Taco Bell with that green Godzilla logo on it somewhere ‘cause that was the shit before the turn of the century. Diddy couldn’t even make a music video for this shit, he made a 7-minute mini-movie and brought a god damn 2Pac hologram of Jimmy Page playing the guitar. I didn’t know who Led Zeppelin was and I sho’ as hell ain’t know Kashmir but I put it on my life and my god I can’t hear that guitar riff to this day without screaming the lyrics to the fucking Godzilla soundtrack. Feel this shit, man:
“HEAR MY CRIES, HEAR MY CALLS,
LEND ME YOUR EARS, SEE MY FALL”
Diddy was rapping out the hole blasted out the side of building’s dome. There was wind blowing through my man’s leather coat he was wearing indoors alone and there was missiles whizzing through the air. A fighter jet literally blasts Diddy and a fire burst – an actual fucking ball of flames – propels him into an elevator that’s inexplicably open and waiting to catch him and HE DIDN’T CATCH FIRE. HE’S NOT EVEN SINGED, THE LORD PROTECTED HIM AND HE DUSTED IT OFF IN THE MAGIC ELEVATOR AND THEN DIDDY HAD ENOUGH AND RIPPED HIS LEATHER JACKET OFF.
“You said to trust you, You’d never hurt me,
Now I’m disgusted”
The Coors Light elevator went to the 100,000,000th floor and burst through the ceiling. At this point you knew you must be high because there’s no other explanation for the shit you’re witnessing, this is just bananas, and just when you started to get a handle on shit Diddy spread his arms in the air and burst into a thousand doves. If you are reading this article and somehow have not seen the “Come With Me” music video you must think I’m joking, but I assure you, this actually happened. Diddy burst into doves and they flew in front of the camera like a John Woo film.
Any movie needs a moment of peace to make the action more compelling, and Diddy knew it, so he descended slowly in an all-white suit as his voice sang soft and cool as the cirrus clouds around him.
“I cry… Tears… Of sorrow…” [Actual Lyrics]
And that’s when shit gets really real! Diddy floats through 40 stories of Sean John product placement and lands in Times Square WITH A FUCKING ORCHESTRA. Really, who thought of this, because they’re fucking genius. The beat drops the second my mans feet touch the stage and Diddy starts pumping his arms with explosions, a string ensemble violinists, and a god damn dinosaur behind him.
I want to fight you
I’ll fucking bite you [Actual Lyrics]
Can’t stand nobody like you
You can’t run
You can’t hide
Close your eyes
Come with me
What follows is two minutes of raw Diddy emotion, rapping, yelling, tearing at his clothes, and twirling in circles in a cacophony of “uh huh, yeah.” He brings back the original verse, “Hear my cries, hear my calls,” and stops because you weren’t even fucking ready, he has to openly ask if you’re ready for him to continue talking his shit. By the time you realize he’s gonna re-do the entire first verse you feel like the Alchemist when he went on a journey to find himself where he started.
And so it ends, Diddy and Godzilla looking face to face, and Diddy turns to walk away from the nerd event of a lifetime. Say what you will about Diddy – he ruined hip hop, he got ghost writers, he made and destroyed Da Band for his personal entertainment – I don’t care! Look me in the eye, I don’t care, because Diddy screamed “I’m gonna take you with me” …and he fucking did. And it was a journey we needed and deserved.