Season: 8 / Episode: 2, “A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms” / HBO
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Maaaaaaan, listen. Previously on Real Rulers of Winterfell:
And now Jaime out here testifying before Congress with Daenerys getting her best Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez on. Put this shit on C-Span you cowards! Dany talking about when she was younger, her brother used to tell her bedtime stories of Jaime killing her father. I mean, look, we don’t need more evidence that her brother Viserys was a terrible dude, but the fact that he was like, “And then once upon a time, a man plunged a whole ass sword through our father’s heart, watched his blood pool on the floor; ok sleep tight!” is just further evidence. Jaime catching her up on the timeline with that “tweets you might have missed that everyone liked, but didn’t retweet, so what’s the point of retweets now” function. Cersei ain’t sending a gotdamn thing. And she got the Greyjoys in pocket (among other places). And she got the Golden Company with 20K on the board ready to destroy whoever wins the war up north. Shit is all bad. He says that she never intended to send her army north, and Dany looked at Tyrion like, “I knew you was a muthafuckin’ lie.”
Tyrion comes to Jaime’s defense but Tyrion’s credibility been shot to hell for a minute now. Dude ain’t won a spades game since he took an axe to the face at the Blackwater. Your boy been putting out mad albums and no hits for the back half of his career. Dany ain’t having that shit either. Lest we forget that Jaime done put his sword to multiple head of houses, man. Sansa reminds everyone that he tried to merk Ned in the street like it was fucking Warriors or some shit. Then Jaime puffs his chest out like, look fam, we were at War. I’ve killed before, I’ll kill again. I did that shit for the Lion and the Roar, nahmean. Bran came in with sobering ass call back like “The things we do for love.” Bran is the dude that catches you at a reading that remember your old ass poems that you don’t be performing anymore.
That shit unnerved the fuck out of Jaime, but he continues on saying that this shit is different and that he promised to fight for the living. Nobody really buying this shit until Brienne of Tarth step up to the mic. Fam, Brienne came through like Billy Ray Cyrus for Jaime! I say gotdamn. This that type of defense made Billy Batson worthy of the magic, fam. She talkin’ about how Jaime is a man of honor, how he has been extremely good to her. Which is cool, but also like when you see someone’s racist ass tweets from five years ago but be like, but he’s married to a Black woman now, so he can’t be racist, right? Sansa takes that shit to heart though cuz Brienne is her sworn defender. And if Brienne vouches, then she good with it. Which shakes the living fuck out of Dany. But also, I get it. We just went from talking about how he stabbed her father in the back (literally) and facilitated the collapse of her house to giving this dude a presidential pardon on the spot? I mean shit, can we the jury deliberate for a second?! She throws that shit and Jon who pops up like he wasn’t even paying attention. Pomade Jesus really looked like he was sleeping in class and got called on fam. Jon gonna be asking to borrow someone’s notes after this meeting is over. He’s basically like, yeah, yeah, whatever the last person said, I concur. Dany gotta be like, these fuckin’ Northerners, I swear.
But she trying to keep the peace, so she agrees and grant Jaime clemency. Bruh, Grey Worm walked over to him and handed him his sword like, if you start some shit, I’m gonna end some shit fam. Like, it’s gonna be me that does the deed my guy. Shit is even worse for Dany when everyone gets up to leave and the Starks basically bolt on her. Dany is alone af up here, yo. No way that this all ends well between the three of them. And the best part, THE BEST part. Bran been staring at Jaime this whole fucking time! I feel like Bran been staring in the direction of Jaime since before his ass got to Winterfell and hasn’t broken his gaze since.
Dany is fucking losing it man. She look like she bout to call the manager at any minute. She points out that Tyrion stay fuckin’ up the money and that he’s basically useless right now. She storm off and Tyrion look back at Jorah and Varys like, y’all know anybody that’s hiring?
Time To Lay It Down Flat
Man, Gendry back on his grimy sexy shit. Your dude look like he in the fuckin’ muck where we met him. Pounding. That. Steel (Dragon Glass). Just so you know now, the rest of this episode is presented by the letter “Thirst.” Gendry working at the forge and Arya looking at my dude like it’s been a while since breakfast and lunch ain’t for another hour, so it must be snack time. That eyebrow raise was like the prequel to consent. She rolls up on Gendry like she his supervisor and shit.
Arya: You got my weapon ready?
Gendry: You mean weapon, as in…
Arya: You knew what this was.
She starts quizzing dude on the white walkers and he talkin’ bout, this is some very different shit. Arya: I’m in to different shit. Look, I don’t know much about assassin mating rituals, but I’m guessing that throwing newly pounded dragonglass knives at almost the exact same spot from 10 yards away is how you start a family in the guild, nahmean. Arya out here using death dealing techniques as pheromones and shit.
Lannisters Bros Back for the Nine-Nine
Bran at the Weirwood tree getting this good leisure in and waiting on Jaime. Cuz, he knew Jaime was coming. Jaime cut straight to the chase and apologizes for pushing Bran out of a window. Like, look fam, wasn’t no qualifiers on this shit. Celebrities tweet out some problematic shit and do the “I’m sorry if you were offended shit.” Jaime pushed a 7th grader out of a tower to his death and just straight up apologized without excusing himself. Just sayin’, we need Jaime level apologies as part of our discourse. Bran hit him with that Wisdom of Solomon. If Jaime hadn’t pushed him, he wouldn’t be the (redeemed) man he is today. Also, I love how Bran basically tells people that he has transcended this human existence and people just be like, um, aiight, with no follow up questions. Nobody shuts down a conversation like Bran.
Tyrion waking the ground and runs into his brother. Man, these dudes never thought they would be back here. Ya know, and not conquering it. And the locals know that shit too. We already know Winterfell don’t really fuck with folks coming over the border like that, so they damn sure don’t like that Wall Street money showing up either. Jaime saying what we all thinking and is like…so Daenerys is different huh? You sure? Like for real, for real? Cross your heart and all that shit? Tyrion is convinced, but like we’ve stated before, Tyrion been wrong about a lot of shit lately. Also, Tyrion is in the endgame now. Dude has accepted he’s going to die at Winterfell and is already making brunch plans when he gets zombified. But Jaime ain’t hearing none of that shit cuz he too busy deciding which Brienne tattoo he getting inked on his back.
Brienne is overseeing the training or rather Brienne is overseeing grown ass Podrick overseeing the training. Podrick gotta be Nightwing now, right? Like he look way too fucking old to still be rockin’ the Red Yellow Green to Brienne’s Dark Knight. Jaime comes down to make small talk. Like, my dude was initially blessed with many gifts but catching up and talking about the weather ain’t one of them. Finally, Brienne is like dude wtf, this shit is weird.
Jaime confesses that he can’t fight worth a shit anymore, but he came here to fight under her command. That shit left Brienne legit speechless. Like, she can’t decide if she should say thank you or reserve a room in the Winterfell Inn. I would say for a nooner, but it’s so fucking grey in the North you can never tell what time it is.
Conquering Is Such Thankless Work
Manifest Daenerys in the room still stressed the fuck out. Jorah the Lesser Mormont comes to speak on Tyrion’s behalf. He’s like, yo, I snitched on you from jump, then went and became granite when you were trying to move that weight out east, and you forgave me. So, you can forgive him.
Daenerys: I didn’t think you liked him very much?
Jorah: Oh, I hate his fucking guts, but that little dude still smart as hell.
On his suggestion, Daenerys comes to speak with Sansa, The Lady. Bruh. Daenerys basically start this shit with, so I felt like we was on the verge of killing Jaime where he stood and you went and switched the game up on me. Sansa explaining loyalty and trusting folks which is some shit that Daenerys still gotta work through. Gotta love how The Lady kicked the chair from under Daenerys:
Daenerys: He never should’ve trusted Cersei.
Sansa: Um, bish were you not there? With two dragons? Right outside of King’s Landing? That’s on you too.
Dany tries to appeal to Sansa on some woman to woman shit and Sansa is like, mkay. Dany finally points to the direwolf in the room and notes that Jon’s position is causing some tension. The Lady is like, these dudes be on that bullshit, making decisions with their Valerian steel. Dany comes back with, yo, I was in the south. That shit was warm. I could be putting up dragon statues in King’s Landing right now, but I came here to fight Jon’s war, so maybe I’m the one who got manipulated…or really needed to solidify the North’s support. You know, one of those.
The Lady starts to soften a bit when she sees that Dany’s love for Jon seems genuine. Dany is like Jon is only the second man I’ve trusted like this. Sansa asks who the first one was, and Dany is like, yeah, let’s not, I ain’t trying to make Jon insecure like that. It is funny to think that Jon is among the best fighters left in the world, and Khal Drogo would’ve decimated him like all these puffed up dudes. Dothraki just built different.
But then the real test comes when The Lady asks Dany what comes next…after this. Dany is like, I take the Iron Throne, duh. Sansa is like, yeah, but the North? Like, we still get to free Northern folk. Dany looking at her like, what part of conqueror are you not understanding right now. Like, the fact that Dany can’t compromise on this shit is giving us all the information we need to know. She in love with Jon, she supposedly has great respect and admiration for Sansa, but like, y’all all still gotta bend the knee when this shit is done? Yeah….that Daenerys bandwagon got a lot of vacancies right now. You can probably get your own row on a Daenerys flight these days.
Survivor’s Court In Session
They get interrupted, mercifully because Theon “I done buried Reek at Sea” Greyjoy comes back. He tells the queen that Yara is alive, but she sailing back to Pyke to take it in the Queen’s name. Dany asks why he’s there then and your boy is like, yeah, I’m making my stand at Winterfell.
Look, nobody, not Jon, not Arya, nobody got that welcome from Sansa like Theon just got. And look, Sansa would be dead and probably worse if not for Theon saving her and escaping from the castle. That shit was fuckin’ heartfelt. And also, one more example of how Sansa has people. Dany got people that follow orders. The difference is so fucking stark. Pun absolutely intended.
Refugees coming through, and Ser Davos doing the community service. A little girl comes through like, show me where the armor at pleighboi. Gilly comes over and convinces the little girl that the crypt needs defending so she can join them there. Like at Gilly fam. Started as a wildling sex slave, now we here. Getting Winterfell Panic Room access and shit. I’m so proud.
Vote Giantsbane At The Polls
Horns sounding and them dudes in Black are here. Jon running over for the reunion and gets hit with that backside blitz from Tormund.
Tormund makes everything better yo. Like, everything. Jon gets the briefing that they met at the Last Hearth. Umbers done swapped sides and all them dead muthafuckas gonna be soliciting the neighborhood before the next sunrise. And that shit is grim. But Tormund drops one of his several jewels of the episode.
The big woman still here?
Yo, Tormund is a fucking mood unto himself. Who will be the first to print T-Shirts in old English text with “The Big Woman Is Still Here” lettering and a silhouette of Brienne in the background. Like, that could make a strong contender to “Thick Thighs Save Lives.” Just for the record, Tormund done went north of the (now defunct) wall, battled an unending herd of white walkers, was on the wall when the Bunsen burner flame hit it, saw a young boy laid out by the Zodiac killer, finally made it to Winterfell and his first fucking question was, where’s that sexy ass Power Forward at. Keep. That. Energy.
The Last Night On Earth
Jon briefing everyone on the white walkers and how badly outnumbered they are. His strategy is that if they take out the Night King, they stand a chance to win since he controls the rest. Jaime is like, yeah, but your boy ain’t just gonna wander into the open and Bran comes through like, “well actually.” That is kind of what Bran is, a “well actually” auto response. He basically says that the Night King wants to kill the Three-Eyed Raven because he holds the collective memory of mankind. which, the Night King wants to erase. Is it me, or did Game of Thrones becomes weirdly existential in that line alone.? Like, I feel like we just got a sampling of a Sci-Fi/A.I. uprising plot thrown into the mix. Sam cosigns that shit and is like, yeah, true death is being forgotten. In a speech that was much longer than it needed to be.
The plan is for Bran to wait in the Godswood and lure dude out. He gonna have the Iron Borne with him. Which…ok. I mean, they some good fighters, and I’d feel better if this were Naval combat. But they being entrusted with the most important mission? I feel like we had other options. Tyrion trying to get back in the good graces and say what he’ll be doing during the battle. Dany is like, nah, you gonna be in the crypts with us. You watching the playoffs like LeBron and the rest of us my dude. Also, because Bran can see everything damn thing, its nice when Arya asks if dragon fire can kill the Night King, and Bran gives her the Kanye shrug. Capped off by Tormund being like, yep, we all dead up in this muthafucka.
Very dope that Tyrion asks to hear Bran’s story. It’s not like Tyrion is going to become the Three-Eyed Raven or anything if Bran gets killed, but it is a dope prospect of the willing passing on of knowledge after we just heard what the Night King wants.
Greyworm making the rounds and the finest sista in all of Seven comes out. And ye, the locals still locking their car doors when she walks past. Greyworm been seeing this shit and is like, yo, check it. We gonna fight. We gonna beat these dead muthafuckas ass. Then we gon’ whup Cersei’s ass. After that, we out. I ain’t trying to do my retirement in Senator Mike Lee’s stomping grounds, yo (I’m sorry my progressive Utah folks, but you knew what this was). Missandei wants to go home to Naath, which must be like the Atlanta of the Thrones-verse.
Sam pressuring Jon to tell Daenerys Caesar about that real history. Jon really wishing he never heard that shit. Jon tells Sam it would be ok if he hid in the crypts with Gilly and Little Sam. Bruh, Sam was so offended. Put some respeck on his name. My dude start reading his resume:
Sam: I was the first to kill a white walker. I killed Thenns. Or a singular Thenn. Like, they 10s, but I keep ‘em clean though. I survived the Fist of the First Men, stole books from the Citadel Library
Jon: Yo, I really need you to stop telling people you got some overdue books from the library as evidence that you’re a badass.
Shit is wild though; these dudes were part of the same Night’s Watch graduating class and now there’s only three of them left. Then Eddison says that real sobering shit:
Whoever is left between us, burn the others. Jesus. This shit is super real now.
Tyrion and Jaime drinking in front of the fire and Tyrion says “I wish father was here.” Which is like, getting drunk with your brother and saying you wish the father you gave a crossbow colonoscopy to was still there. Sorry, there ain’t really an apt analogy for that shit. (Not that their father wouldn’t believe what they are about to do and where they are doing it.) Jaime gives that half laugh when shit ain’t really funny, but he ain’t trying to make it more awkward by not laughing.
Still, after all these years, Tyrion and Jaime still have some of the most sincere scenes. Jaime is like, I can’t be a golden Lion anymore (guess that hair dye really do stick, even with this Northern weather) but Tyrion can still go back to whoremongering. But Tyrion is like, nah, and it’s some real shit. Tyrion used to be the inconsequential son of a great house where no real responsibility was intended for him. Now, he’s Hand of the Queen. He can’t be out here on his old Tyrion Spring Break shit anymore.
Brienne and Podrick Grayson come in to chill before ya know, they all die. Then Davos and his crew come in. Davos came for the fire, but Tormund came for The Fire. Yo, if you don’t have someone in your life that looks at you the way Tormund looks at Brienne, then you just not reaching the full potential of what life has to offer you. All he wants to do is kill white walkers and re-enact the pottery scene from Ghost with Brienne, but not in that order.
Sorry if I’m being repetitive by my god, I live for Tormund just being involved with some shit. My dude made his play at Brienne early. Tormund, who ain’t scared of shit, hit her with the “this might be our last night alive” pitch EARLY. Tyrion offered him a drink and Tormund was like, nah, I brought my own cuz I am prepared for ANYTHING.
Also, if we gotta endure some alpha male peacock bullshit, please let them all be of the Tormund variety. My dude tells Jaime (and really anyone curious, which ya know, includes me) how he got the name Giantsbane.
My dude. Killed a Giant. Before his balls dropped. Then climbed into bed with the dead giant’s wife. Who then, NURSED him. I’m sitting at home like, how many turns does this fucking poem have? Every sentence was an adventure, yo. Also, are we to believe, that your boy then drinks a full ass horn of Giant’s milk?!?! Like I don’t know where he would’ve gotten some fucking Giant’s milk from, but you can’t tell the story of how you were nursed on Giant’s milk and then drink a Budweiser after that. Everything about that scene was fucking incredible fam. I was legit stunned silent by it.
Well, If You Weren’t A Lady Already…
Arya finds Clegane on the wall and sits down to drink with him. Arya starts interrogating dude like, yeah, you ain’t really a brotherhood type a muthafucka, so why are you here?
Arya: When’s the last time you fought for anyone other than yourself?
Clegane: Heaux, I got Spartan kicked off a mountain for you.
When Dondarrion comes up and starts talking his shit with Sandor giving it back, Arya is like, so this is boring so I’m out. She takes it back to where it began, doing archery and hitting the mark. Gendry comes through with the weapon Arya requested (demanded). Arya asks him what the Red Woman wanted with him, and Gendry coughs up that he is Robert Baratheon’s bastard and that she needed his blood for a ritual.
Then, Arya starts really coming at Gendry on some, “so who was blowing up your phone last night” type of shit. Arya is like, I ain’t gonna go through your Instagram cuz you gonna tell me on your own my dude. I would also like to make note that Arya began disrobing AT THIS PART. On the “so how many chicks we talkin’ about” part. This shit was pre-ordained. Arya seen the future like Bran, she knew exactly how this was going to go down from jump.
Also, I far be it from me to undercut Arya’s sexual agency, but I’m a day one, watched the pilot during its live airing type of dude. I remember when Arya’s favorite part of school was recess. Watching a naked Arya tell Gendry he gotta take his own pants off is…some different shit. An evolution I wasn’t really prepared for.
After The Party, It’s Hotel Lobby, After the Lobby It’s the Knighting Ritual
We start with the obligatory “we all bout to die before the big battle, so let’s get drunk and sing songs” scene that Thrones consistently gives us. But Tyrion starts expressing some optimism by giving folks titles and listing their accomplishments. When he slips up and calls Brienne a knight by mistake, Tormund is like wtf. Brienne explains that tradition states women can’t be knights. To which Tormund says, verbatim, “Fuck tradition.”
Just to recap, Tormund Giantsbane is a pansexual warrior who believes in body positivity and rails against old patriarchal rules. GET YOU A TORMUND. Like I’m pretty sure this dude is a cosponsor on the New Green Deal bill. And then THE line of the episode:
I’m not a king, but if I were, I’d knight you ten times over.
Look, I don’t care what your sexual preference is, if you weren’t aroused at least slightly by that, you might be a white walker already. Good gawd, Tormund giving unfiltered praise and sexual promises in the same damn line. Dude is really one of the best writers of his generation.
Jaime takes the cue and is like, actually, any knight can make another knight. And Brienne took that shit. Yo, this was dope af. Give Brienne all her roses, fam. Everyone perked up for this shit. Jaime, with the last bit of honor he has did the damn thing. Brienne finally got promotion for the job she’s been doing for several years. And who is clapping first and the loudest, fuckin’ Tormund. Not threatened in the least that Jaime stole his thunder, he just happy af for Brienne. I love this fucking dude. Brienne is emotional, Jaime lost in the moment and Tyrion will toast to anything. Just a great scene.
And now for my other favorite character. Lyanna Mormont is the best. If everyone does die and there’s only one person to inherit the seven, my god let it be Lady Mormont. She’s like, fam, I ain’t hiding in no punk ass crypt. Do I look like I be hiding in some punk ass crypt? She in the full armor and ready for fuckin’ war. Jorah the Lesser Mormont can’t tell her shit.
But it aint’ all bad for Jorah, as Sam comes to give him the Tarly family sword to go into battle. Sam ain’t running to the crypt, but he knows he ain’t about to be out there slaying white walkers like Michonne or some shit. Jorah brought dishonor on his house (hence Lady Mormont) and lost his sword to Jon Snow. So, him getting to use a Valerian Sword from Jon’s best friend is some real full circle shit.
When the wine dried up, Tyrion wants to hear a song, but can’t nobody blow but Podrick. Dick Grayson got some pipes, yo! And it’s a beautiful song, but like, underscores that like, a lot of muthafuckas bout to die. That Missandei and Greyworm send off was heartbreaking. A brotha just want to see a little Black love survive the apocalypse? Is that too much to ask?
True Detective: Iron Throne
Dany goes to see Jon in the crypts, cuz he been avoiding her all episode. They standing at the foot of Lyanna Starks’ statue, and Dany shook off the jump. She still believes that Rhaegar raped Lyanna and started the war. But Jon is like, yeah, let me run this shit back to you. Yada Yada, they were in love, they had a son. I be that son. Dany is having a terrible fucking week man. I mean, she just learned her brother wasn’t the monster she thought, but also learned she isn’t the rightful heir to the throne. Dany was like, nah, you read that shit on internet, what are your sources?
Dany really came at him like he was peddling propaganda.
Jon: Bran saw it, Sam researched it
Dany: Fake news.
Yo, Jon really seeing what happens to Dany when her power is threatened. Truth be told, if Dany had some means, I’m not sure Jon would’ve made it out of that crypt alive.
But that shit gets sidelined cuz the horns are blowing which means the Dead just got dropped off by their Lyft. Them dudes is HERE. Night King pulled up to the court with a bunch of pros talkin’ about “We got Next.”
Things are truly as bad as they’ve ever been.