Season: 5 / Episode: 10 / HBO
***Spoilers be a tourist attraction at Castle Black where you and your whole family can stab the Lord Commander too***
Maaaaaaan, listen. It has been a damn journey folks. Here we are, the last episode of Season Five. Let’s go ahead and get into this gangsta shit.
Melisandre wakes up with a smile on her face because the snow is melting. Or because she probably had some underage soldier in her tent last night. I’m putting that at 50/50. She come into Stannis’ tent gloating about the Lord of Light making good on his promise, but Stannis is all business cuz he knows the cost of this shit. Well…his ass don’t know yet. He walks outside and it’s like he walked into a call center where all the phones are ringing and they’re all on the complaint line. First one of his soldiers tells him that half of his army hit the bricks last night, with all the horses. You know why? Cuz watching your king burn his daughter alive at the stake ain’t some regular shit, fam. How you expect to lead an army and inspire loyalty when you can’t keep your own family safe? Chris Rock once said his goal was to keep his daughters off the pole. Bruh, my goal is to keep my daughter off the pole that catches fucking fire. Lord of Light can go do something crude and anatomically impossible to himself. For real, the Lord of Light is the fucking Sallie Mae of Thrones. You can borrow against it to get what you want, but payback and interest make you wonder why the fuck you trying to better yourself in the first place. Stannis lookin’ at Melisandre like, Witch, you didn’t see the part in the flames where half my army tiptoed the fuck up out of the camp?
Then another dude rolls up with MORE bad news. Seriously, at some point I figured we’d never get to the battle because cats would keep rolling up to Stannis on some, “Your Grace, there was a puddle outside of my tent and now my socks are wet.” “Your Grace, lieutenant was fighting a squirrel over some acorns and now he got North Rabies.” “Your Grace, I slept wrong last night and my sword arm has a cramp in it. Don’t think I’ll be able to go today.”
The latest tragedy, if we’re calling it that, is Selyse waited for the trees to thaw out so she could string herself from one. That’s straight up commitment yo, that knot looked pretty complex. And then, because totally expected news comes in threes, Melisandre peaced the fuck out. She was like, nah homie, I gave SUGGESTIONS. Y’all ain’t blaming this shit on me. I’m not the one that makes decisions around here.
Just realized that Sam Fucking Tarley is probably the closest to a mental health professional we’re gonna get in Westeros. Jon straight up reliving that PTSD to Sam.
Jon: He just rose his arms Sam and them dead muthafuckas rose up too. Then he looked me dead in the eye and said ‘You ain’t shit Jon Snow. You ain’t neva gon be shit.’
Sam: Really? I would’ve thought he would say, ‘You know nothing?’ I dunno, maybe only the women trying to sleep with you say that to you.[/quote_simple]
Basically, they are realizing this shit is mission impossible. Valyrian swords and dragon glass don’t mean shit if only the 1% got them. And on top of that, everyone at Castle Black wearing cloaks hates his fucking guts. For Jon Snow, things are as bad as they’ve ever been. So that feels like a good time for his best friend to tell him he’s leaving for Grad School at the Citadel. This fucking guy. Sam is the dude that came over for family dinner, got full on grandma’s chicken and dumplings, then sees that his uncles are drunk and arguing with each other and is like, you know, I got a thing, across town, so… I’m gonna go. When Jon says they will make him swear off women at the Citadel too, Sam is like…
Sheeeyet, Sam STILL in the afterglow for that shit. Then Jon drops that, “Well I’m glad the end of the world is working out well for someone,” which is being excited that your bae sped over to your house just to see you, but hit a school bus with children that rolled into a ditch on her way over.
Man, you know Stannis’ army is small as fuck because almost every dude could carry a banner. Most armies got like 1 banner for every 100 soldiers, but Stannis’ army look like a damn flag corp.
Do my eyes deceive me or is Sansa, like, actually doing something? Sansa picking that lock is the most proactive thing she’s done since she yelled at Arya to stop hitting Joffrey in season 1. Since Reek’s punk ass couldn’t light one fucking candle in a tower without snitchin’, she gonna have to light that muthafucka herself. Also, I should say, Sansa dressing like a Sith Lord is probably the only thing about her that interests me at this point.
Pod sees Stannis marching on Winterfell, but is a bit confused because he’s never seen a marching band carrying the Flaming Heart Banners before. He rushes to tell Brienne who’s been waiting to see if they every gonna put the Christmas lights on that tower. She has a near miss as she leaves to pursue Stannis right before Sansa lights the candle… Womp fucking Womp.
Let’s be clear, I’m a big Brienne fan, a huge Brienne fan, but what a damn waste, yo. Brienne doing absolutely nothing while sitting in the Dark Knight Armor for 80% of this season is like Batman chilling in the Batcave watching Goodtimes reruns. Kendrick Perkins has gotten more burn in the NBA Finals than anything Brienne has done during episodes 2-9 this season. And now she can’t even be bothered to stick around for Sansa when one would think an all out war would be the perfect distraction to slip in and save her? Naw man, I’m fed up. And I’m sure Pod got tired of hearing that Renly Baratheon danced with me story by now. Come on, fam.
Stannis starts commanding his troops to prepare for a siege… which is cute. That’s like entering into a freestyle battle when you suck at freestyling and got 1 rhyme memorized. House Bolton basically sent the rottweilers out on some, “Get off our lawn, old man” shit.
Stannis takes out two soldiers, but not before one of them tries to amputate his leg. Stannis, the childless, the wifeless, the fuckboy with the flaming heart banner, is stumped against a tree when Brienne walks up. She made the shit real formal for someone that is about to murder a self proclaimed king. No small irony that Stannis supposedly got merked by a Lannister blade. Of course… they cut to black when she swings down… so there might be some specula–
You know what, get me the fuck off this Brienne storyline. I’m spent.
Sansa tries to escape, I guess, but is stopped by the Kennel Master’s daughter. After a bit of threatening, something human finally stirs in Reek and he pushes her off the tower…
…I mean, we gonna talk about the fact that we saw her death in all its vitriol but not Stannis’? Whatever. Ramsay is back from war and Reek convinces Sansa to jump off the tower, presumably into the last snow bank left in the North.
Ser Meryn Trant is in the brothel just whipping young girls to hear them scream… I mean… TV folks… what are we really doing here? Like, we know dude is a piece of shit, how necessary is this? Of course one adolescent girl doesn’t whimper when she’s whipped. She don’t even yell out when the switch breaks. For the record, as someone that was whupped with a switch, in a black family, that’s a terrible move. Don’t ever make your parents feel like their methods aren’t effective on the first go round. Don’t make them feel like they got something to prove. Just sayin’.
Arya springs to life, reveals her real face and stabs Meryn HALF A HUNDRED TIMES. Seriously, Arya stabbed Meryn Trant more times than Brienne has done things that didn’t include staring at a tower this season. Arya stabbed Meryn Trant more times the number of meaningful scenes the Sand Snakes have had. Arya stabbed… you know what, you get the point.
Arya returns to House of Black and White where Jaqen and Bobcut are there and the jig is up. You can’t be stealing from the Many Faced God and not leaving anything in the collection plate. And, THAT’S when things get weird. Jaqen kills himself, but it’s not really him, it’s nobody cuz not-Jaqen is right behind her. Then Arya plays 52 pickup with the dead man’s faces. And then she goes blind… yeah, that’s all I got. I feel like this particular path to this plot was one of several on a dartboard and one of the writers hit that shit with their eyes closed.
We’re leaving Dorne (fucking finally) as Jaime, Myrcella, Trystane, Trystane’s Chest Hair, and Bronn all plan to depart. They are saying their goodbyes and then Ellaria kisses Myrcella in a way that suggests that everybody else should’ve brought a gift for the ceremony. How Jaime gonna sit there and act like that shit was normal? And then Bronn and Tyene Sand say goodbye to each other, which is one of the most unnecessary things to happen since that cop did a combat roll at the McKinney Pool… and then every other fucking thing after that shit. But of course, it leads to this gem:
“You want a good girl, but you need bad pussy.”
So Benioff and Weiss wrote this episode and I want to remind you all that they also wrote some incredible shit like almost all of the Tywin dialogues from previous seasons, all of Tyrion’s speeches, etc. That last line is like Shakespeare writing Soul Plane. What in all fucks are we talking about here? I don’t care if it’s not canon, can we get the disease from Orphan Black‘s boy clones to sweep through Dorne and kill off the Sand Snakes? I’m officially over them as an existence. Jaime is about to confess to being Myrcella pops, but Myrcella knows this already because it’s the worst kept secret in all of Westeros. And right as Myrcella is super excited about being the product of incest, she starts bleeding from the nose. Kind of feel like that’s an omen unto itself. Of course, she was poisoned when Ellaria was tonguing her down at the pier.
Which means we’re about to get war between Dorne and the Lannisters, which means we get more of the R&B group that couldn’t pack a living room with people if they threw a free concert in season six. Hooray.
Daario, Tyrion and Jorah look like the last dudes at the club after all the good looking people found a ride home. Tyrion is trolling everybody when Grey Worm hobbles up into the spot like, “The fuck going on up in here? Jorah, the hell you doing here with your punk Andal ass.” When all the squabbling is done, Daario and Jorah are out to find Daenerys while Grey Worm, Missandei, and Tyrion stay behind to rule Meereen.
Drogon and Danny are are up on a hill while Drogon is trying to sleep off that late night meal from last night. And by late night meal, I mean humans that probably died screaming while they were on fire.
Daenerys is real appreciative for the escape, but she hitting Drogon with that Lost logic.
Drogon is not really about that “doing anything” life though and your boy just chills there because you aren’t supposed to go flying less than 2 hours after eating. Daenerys starts wandering the country side until a whole Dothraki army rolls up on her. Something tells me name dropping Drogo ain’t gonna get it done this time around.
In King’s Landing Cersei is finally ready to do that press conference admit she been on the cream and the clear during her most productive seasons. She confesses about laying down with her cousin Lansel, but not about her children being Jaime’s. I dunno man, I’m no expert, but I figure once you confess to fucking one family member, what are we really holding back on at that point?
But since she didn’t admit to all the crimes, she can’t just take that mercy plea and walk with no further punishment. She gotta atone first. Which means she gets a Mad Max Fury Road Hair cut and gotta compete in the Nude 5K. This shit was all bad, fam. I mean, they cut her hair with a straight razor, they don’t give a fuck about split ends or nothing. And she gotta walk through these terrible muthafuckas yelling every vile thing at her possible. AND THAT BELL. THAT GOTDAMN BELL. Cersei ain’t gonna remember being called the C-word or having shit thrown on her shoulder. What’s gonna keep her up at night is that gotdamn bell ringing, fam.
I don’t doubt that she contemplated starting that walk all over again if she was allowed to break off and hand deliver the fade to Shame Nun with that fucking bell. Side note, there’s a dude that jumps out and flashes his dick to Cersei during her walk of atonement and that shit, rightfully so, is supposed to seem unnerving and offensive and outrageous. Fellas, I want you to remember Cersei’s walk of shame included being sent a dick pick. Think about that shit before you hit send. Second side note: All respect to Dinklage and some other deserving others, but Lena Headey is the best performer on this show. Period. I’ve said my piece and counted to ten on that.
At the Wall, Jon has already lost his best friend to the Citadel and is still seeing Dead People with blue eyes in his head, so you’re boy is really not trying to hear any of Davos’ shit about supporting Stannis. Davos is just desperate cuz he knows all this shit has went terribly wrong. Especially since the Red woman is back at Castle Black and ain’t her smug ass self. Davos presses her on Shireen and Melisandre ain’t got the heart to confess that they smoked that little girl like slow-roasted salmon.
Jon is in his chambers when Ollie’s punk ass comes in talking about Uncle Benjin is back. Thrones got the nerve to play some triumphant and foreboding music too. Bastards. Turns out it was all a set up to get Jon Snow outside while the watch could brand him a traitor. Then these punk asses get in single file to stab Jon like they been waiting for the new iPhone to drop.
Just so we are all clear: The Knight’s Watch, which is predominantly made up of killers, thieves, rapists and deserters are so offended by the thought of the wildlings coming south of the wall and hold such a strong disbelief that either the White Walkers don’t exist or that they won’t need help to fight them, that they felt their Lord Commander had to die for being too friendly. I feel like this is the same level of logic used when Men’s activists group pop up from dudes that complain on the internet, then go to their day job that pays more on average than their women co-workers. And then came Ollie with his Et tu, Brute moment. But you know what, Ollie’s a fucking kid. He saw his parents killed. He isn’t supposed to know any better, except he totally blew his shot at being Batman after this.
And that’s where season 5 ends. Jon staring up into a bastard sky, stabbed 47 times, bleeding out on the senate floor and wondering where the hell Ghost was at during all of this.