Season: 5 / Episode: 9 / HBO
Awww shit, AWWW shit, AWWWWW SHEEEEYET! Listen, if you’ve made it this far in Thrones, then you know what episode 9 usually means — Baelor (Ed walked up in the barbershop and got the high and tight cut), Blackwater, Reins of Castamere (aka The Red Wedding), and Watchers on the Wall aka the day Jon Snow made bastards the new black by defeating the wildlings. So you know expectations lookin’ like when Kanye and Jigga announced they were doing an album together… hopefully we don’t get Watch The Throne…
First off, any episode that starts off with Melisandre and fire ain’t a good fucking omen, fam. Seeing her at the beginning of the episode was like going on a first date and spending half of it talking about their ex. It’s gonna be a long ass night. Ramsay took 20 terrible muthafuckas like himself and set fire to all the food storage, supplies, and yes, horses (Ramsay hates every living thing, yo). So now Stannis and his army aren’t just in a tough spot, they’re as our friends across the pond would say, Proper Fucked. Stannis and Davos look like they growing their playoff beards out except these muthafuckas never even made it to the Conference Finals.
Jon and the survivors are walking up on the Wall and I know they took some boats at some point, but these rough bastards LOOK like they walked all the way from the massacre. Ser Allisar staring at Jon from atop the Wall, like your boy a Jehovah’s Witness on a Saturday afternoon. Seriously, Ser Allisar might has well been curled up in the castle acting like he don’t hear nobody knocking, putting the TV on mute with the subtitles on and shit. I half expected for Ser Allisar to yell down to Jon that he better call Tyrone. Eventually he gives the order to open the gate, after Jon was probably thinking “this muthafucka really wasn’t about to let be back up in my own spot?”
Survivors are walking through Castle Black and the Brothers of the Watch are not impressed, throwing all the level 5 shade possible at Jon. Even Ollie looking at Jon like he just dropped the F bomb on live TV.
Stannis sitting up in the tent thinking shit was all good just a week ago. Davos comes at his command and is immediately shipped off to Castle Black for more supplies and horses. Davos know some shit ain’t right, but you can’t really call out the jig to the One True King, so Davos just gotta eat it and not say shit. He even tries to take the royal family and Stannis shoots that down too. Davos goes to say goodbye to Shireen and she says she’s reading The Dance of Dragons. So, Ramsay said A Feast for Crows last week, and this episode is titled The Dance of Dragons, basically so that you remember this shit is based on some books that the show runners stop giving a fuck about a long time ago.
Jaime is escorted into the Dorne mixer by Speaking Black Man #1 (of 1). Myrcella wearing the low-cut dress talking about the Dornish weather agrees with her. Bruh, if it agrees with you so much then why it look like you lost an argument with the sun that kept your ass so damn pale? Prince Doran wants to know why Jaime snuck into the country and tried to abduct his, cough, niece, and Jaime like, yo, I ain’t trying to tell you how to run your shit Prince, but you really need to get your house in order, especially this one over here.
But can we talk about how comfortable Ellaria Sand is up in this piece, talkin shit out the side of her neck, pouring out the toast to King Tommen, giving all kinds side eye in 37 flavors? By the time Prince Doran says Myrcella can go back to King’s Landing with Trystane on the small council, Ellaria told the Prince he missing some vertebrae.
But Prince Doran is FED UP. He basically hits her with… Congrats on having my brother’s babies… I only half give a shit about any of that so you gonna join my brother in eternity if you keep this shit up. Prince Trystane and his chest hair are willing to let Bronn live as long as Speaking Black Man #1 can give him the Dwight Howard elbow as payback.
Also, who the hell is managing this defunct R&B group, the Sand Snakes? Did nobody have Jermaine Dupri’s contact information? Their first album bout to go triple wood. I know there ain’t shit else to do in a jail cell, but I don’t know how you take the concept of bad ass women warriors, all unashamed bastards and kin to Oberyn Da Gawd, and make them as dull as actual sand. I had a statistics class in college that had more interesting character development than this.
Arya still on the grind, selling clams and whatnot along the river. I gotta say, this shit look less than great for your digestion, fam. She basically out here selling White Castle with a vinegar chaser. She’s approaching her target, the thin man, but first she notices some Lannister guards coming aboard in the bay.
I mean, look, I know it’s not everyday you get the chance to cross a name off your revenge bucket list, but I need some Starks to complete a mission before doing their own shit. I bet Arya do ALL the side missions in Skyrim before doing any of the campaign missions. Arya is stalking Ser Meryn Trant to the brothel and this piece of shit in here doing the most. Or the youngest. Whatever. He must be following Tyga on Instagram or some shit, cuz he out here going young in the paint.
Arya returns to the House of Black and White and either she’s gotten to be a really good liar or Jaqen don’t care that she blew off the mission because it’s all the same to the Many-Faced God. Homie gonna collect one way or another.
So remember all that slick shit Ellaria been talkin’ the whole season? Nah, me neither. She ain’t really ’bout this life cuz when she was given the choice between life and death, she was basically like, “Rebellion? Prince, I was just playin’! It’s just jokes, yo. That wasn’t no rebellion, I was role playing with the girls. Come on, look at them, they’re horrible, they were never meant to be taken seriously…”
Aiight, fam, let me be clear about something because I know sometimes shit gets lost in the jokes: Stannis Baratheon (the TV version) is a cowardly piece of shit. If sacrificing your daughter to being burned alive puts you on the path to being “the person you are destined to be” then you are destined to be a spineless muthafucka. And the show runners really thought that giving us this awesome scene earlier where Stannis tells the story of how he saved his daughter from greyscale was supposed to interpret how hard of a choice this was for him. Naw, that’s bullshit. He turned his daughter into some “break glass in case of emergency” type of shit.
And how the fuck does an army still follow you when they just watched you burn your own daughter alive for your personal survival and ambition? Is the Lord of Light even really performing miracles in these streets like that? I’m sayin’, ever since she gave birth to a demon smoke assassin like 3 seasons ago (again, some cowardly shit from Stannis to kill his brother), what has Melisandre really done besides have sex with an underage boy and put leaches on his body? Before you think about doing anything to my daughter, you gotta show me some receipts, yo. Just tomfuckery all the way around.
***Also, let me take a moment and state something I hate hearing from viewers. If someone justifies some bullshit on Game of Thrones by saying, “well hey, that’s how things were back then,” then I want you to ask them in what year Dragons were used in warfare. Or how long ago did the faceless men die out. There is no “back then” because this shit is fantasy. You notice how over the many years that has existed in this show, that no new technology has come about? That’s because there is no progression in this fantasy world so stop comparing it to feudal England that lasts for three thousand years. The show been on since 2011 and the only new invention is that Qyburn seems to be creating a zombie in King’s Landing. You think cars are coming to Westeros anytime soon? So again, enough for that “things were brutal back then” bullshit. It’s fantasy, it will ALWAYS “be back then.” Simpletons.***
Maaaaan, listen, we back in Meereen because the fighting pits have been opened and the official games have begun. Cats out here proclaiming they are there to fight for the honor of the queen, but Daenerys is really there on some “I’m just here so I won’t get fined” type of shit. You know what the theme of this episode is: it’s a terrible, terrible world for young girls.
And that strongholds are really easy to infiltrate. Yeah, awesome, Daario is easy on the eyes, and he’s a hell of a fighter, but something tells me that his promotion to head of security is on some Peter Principle shit. This muthafucka so busy trying to flex in front of Daenerys and show up the new King, that he can’t even coordinate some simple body searches to get into the coliseum. But before we get there, we gotta talk about your boy Ser Jorah, first stalker of his name. Who Daenerys need to file a restraining order with? You can’t keep repaying mercy for your treachery by showing up on ya girl’s doorstep.
— Oz Al Ghul (@letsgetfree13) June 8, 2015
So you know who’s not giving points to Ser Jorah cuz he foiled a plot by the Sons of the Harpy? Me. That’s like being thankful that your stalker chased off a home invader cuz he was already chillin’ in the closet while you slept. Jorah needs to find a nice quiet place to become a boulder in peace and recognize no means no.
When he throws a spear and and kills a would-be assassin, everybody is shocked because the crowd is like 50% these Harpy fucks. See, this is what happens when you leave the pretty I-got-these-gluteus-maximus-muscles-from-doing-P90X muthafuckas in charge. Barristan the Bold wouldn’t have let six hundred people with blades and gold masks under their robes through the front door, fam. She the gotdamn queen, man. Can you imagine if the security for our president was this shaky?
And Greyworm must heal like a gotdamn glacier. Did they have to put this dudes insides back in or somethin’? Is Missandei on some Rogue shit and draining the life from this dude whenever she kisses him? The people demand answers, yo.
When the killing starts, Ser Jorah, champion of the Friend Zone, comes up to Daenerys on some Terminator “come with me if you want to live” type shit.
They make their way down into the arena where, somehow, they are hopelessly outnumbered. How the Unsullied Army down to like 6 dudes? Anyways, right when Daenerys thinks this is it, everybody hears that thunder in the distance, but it ain’t raining. That’s cuz DROGON DA BLACK WINGED GAWD BACK! Your boy came up in the spot like Doughboy in Boyz in Da Hood.
Drogon handing out that dragon fire like that shit came with your admission to the fighting pits. Now here’s the thing, who want to kill Daenerys so bad that they willing to stand in the arena and throw spears at a muthafuckin dragon, b? What your conviction got to be to say to yourself “Well, I could cut my losses, try to get at her another time when Drogon isn’t around, or I could chuck my only spear at a dragon and stand an 80% chance that I will be burned alive or devoured in one bite. Damn, being a Harpy is full of hard choices”? Bruh, after seeing dudes fight a dragon with spears, nobody better ever criticize the band that went down with the Titanic. That now tops the list of irrational decisions.
Daenerys, either wanting to save Drogon or herself or both, finally musters up the courage to climb on Drogon’s back and tells him that Flight 1045 is cleared for takeoff… in Valyrian. Drogon gets a head of steam and peaces the fuck out with Daenerys on his back.
Which sounds awesome… until you remember that Tyrion, Missandei, Jorah, and Daario still down in the arena and outnumbered. That’s pretty fucked up how everybody was in peril, but Daenerys gonna book a single-passenger plane for her escape. Now you know why the Republicans in Meereen hate Dany, she always leading from behind.